Tarnished Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I recently had a four-month physical affair with a work colleague (longer if you count the emotional flirtation that went on for months beforehand). We mutually decided to recently end it and I then confessed everything to my husband (and I mean everything – all the details). My husband recently decided that his wife needed to be told and he emailed her. He didn’t go into specifics of the actual affair, but there could be no doubt about what took place. He told me after the fact that he had done this, which I accepted as his decision. I was still in contact with my AP via work and I knew that his wife had contacted him to discuss what she’d just been told and that he was very scared. My AP told me that when she called him after receiving the email he denied that anything took place, that we were just friends (even though a week earlier she had found suspicious text messages between us – which he again justified as us being good friends). She then contacted my husband and asked him to clarify what took place and he told her when and where we had sex (as I had told him). He didn’t hear from her again. I was worried about what had happened to AP when he went home that day so I called him the next day to find out. He refused to discuss anything with me, telling me it was between him and his wife. I repeatedly asked him to tell me if he had at least confessed, and he kept saying that it was between him and his wife and he wouldn’t talk about it with me. After that call I then emailed his wife and apologised for my part in it all and said that I hoped she’d forgive her husband for the sake of their family, as my husband was doing for me. After discussing what he said to me with my husband, my husband now thinks that what my AP has actually done is to continue to deny that he had an affair with me, instead paint me as a delusional person who had a friendship with him and then wanted more. When he turned me down, I turned on him and fabricated an affair story that I told to my husband, knowing he might tell her – my motive being to hurt him and get revenge. The scary thing is that I think he might have really done this. His wife was married before and her ex cheated on her and they broke up. AP said to me that if his wife ever found out about us, she would kick him out immediately and take their kids interstate where her family lives. I am now so furious that he might have done this and made me out to be something that I am not. I might be an adulterer but I’m not a liar or a bunny boiler!!!! I’m thinking I’ll confront him at work next week with this theory and see if he’ll admit it to me. What is so ridiculous about it all is that I know things about him, personal physical things that only a lover could know. Does he want me to contact her and tell her what I know… I’m just so mad…
lollipopspot Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 (edited) I am now so furious that he might have done this and made me out to be something that I am not. I might be an adulterer but I’m not a liar or a bunny boiler!!!! I’m thinking I’ll confront him at work next week with this theory and see if he’ll admit it to me. What is so ridiculous about it all is that I know things about him, personal physical things that only a lover could know. Does he want me to contact her and tell her what I know… I’m just so mad… You already told her about it, your husband already told her about it, that's enough IMO. At this point, it's their relationship to deal with. It's interesting that you're "furious" that he might be lying to her and she might believe him though - I don't think you really have a lot of high ground to stand on. You've been a liar too, you've just decided to come clean at this point, and now you're an evangelist for truth telling. Let it go, it doesn't concern you anymore. Maybe because she has kids she wants to maintain the illusion of a stable marriage, even though she has enough info to doubt it. That's her choice. If you ever really cared about your AP, I don't know why you'd want to wreck whatever they've managed come to in their marriage that is allowing them to stay together. You've already done your part of disclosure to her. If she wanted to know more she'd contact you. Edited January 25, 2014 by lollipopspot 5
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 You can't control what goes on in their marriage. Your husband gave his wife the truth about the affair and she chose to believe her husband, who threw you under the bus to save his own behind and not suffer greater consequences. Let it go and focus on salvaging your own marriage and regaining your husband's trust again. Fix 'you' and affair proof your marriage, understand boundaries when having any sort of friendships with men. DO NOT confront him at work. You chose to have an affair willingly with him, and now it's over. Think about finding another job. This is important for your marriage. if your husband had cheated on you, would you feel happy and comfortable that he was still working with the person he had the A with? Your focus is way too much on exmarried coworker. How are you supposed to get over him and live in peace again if you see him daily and have anger and speak to him? NO CONTACT has to happen. 7
lollipopspot Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I am now so furious that he might have done this and made me out to be something that I am not. I might be an adulterer but I’m not a liar or a bunny boiler!!!! I’m thinking I’ll confront him at work next week with this theory and see if he’ll admit it to me. What is so ridiculous about it all is that I know things about him, personal physical things that only a lover could know. Does he want me to contact her and tell her what I know… I’m just so mad… This quote again...actually, yes, you are a liar. You had an affair. And if you flipped out on him at work, and contacted her again (since both you and your husband have already contacted her) with a bunch of lurid details, you might kind of seem like an obsessed bunny boiler too... 4
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I recently had a four-month physical affair with a work colleague (longer if you count the emotional flirtation that went on for months beforehand). We mutually decided to recently end it and I then confessed everything to my husband (and I mean everything – all the details). My husband recently decided that his wife needed to be told and he emailed her. He didn’t go into specifics of the actual affair, but there could be no doubt about what took place. He told me after the fact that he had done this, which I accepted as his decision. I was still in contact with my AP via work and I knew that his wife had contacted him to discuss what she’d just been told and that he was very scared. My AP told me that when she called him after receiving the email he denied that anything took place, that we were just friends (even though a week earlier she had found suspicious text messages between us – which he again justified as us being good friends). She then contacted my husband and asked him to clarify what took place and he told her when and where we had sex (as I had told him). He didn’t hear from her again. I was worried about what had happened to AP when he went home that day so I called him the next day to find out. He refused to discuss anything with me, telling me it was between him and his wife. I repeatedly asked him to tell me if he had at least confessed, and he kept saying that it was between him and his wife and he wouldn’t talk about it with me. After that call I then emailed his wife and apologised for my part in it all and said that I hoped she’d forgive her husband for the sake of their family, as my husband was doing for me. After discussing what he said to me with my husband, my husband now thinks that what my AP has actually done is to continue to deny that he had an affair with me, instead paint me as a delusional person who had a friendship with him and then wanted more. When he turned me down, I turned on him and fabricated an affair story that I told to my husband, knowing he might tell her – my motive being to hurt him and get revenge. The scary thing is that I think he might have really done this. His wife was married before and her ex cheated on her and they broke up. AP said to me that if his wife ever found out about us, she would kick him out immediately and take their kids interstate where her family lives. I am now so furious that he might have done this and made me out to be something that I am not. I might be an adulterer but I’m not a liar or a bunny boiler!!!! I’m thinking I’ll confront him at work next week with this theory and see if he’ll admit it to me. What is so ridiculous about it all is that I know things about him, personal physical things that only a lover could know. Does he want me to contact her and tell her what I know… I’m just so mad… How did u get the wife's email? That's a bit creepy... And you shouldn't have pushed to know his confession; it does make you sound like you will concoct a story. Just focus on rebuilding your marriage with your DH. All that matters is YOUR spouse believes you. 1
Author Tarnished Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 I know her email address because I actually know her. I've never met her in person but we've spoken on the phone and had email conversations previously because of the nature of our jobs. Yes, you're right - I am a liar. But at least I had the guts to confess and my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage. What hope does his marriage have if he just tells lie upon lie. I want her to know the truth. And seriously what person would concoct a story and confess to a fantasy affair (including sex) to their husband/wife just to get back at someone. Doesn't she realise how ridiculous that thought is. I will put it behind me, which is more than he'll be able to do. I don't how he can sleep at night if these are indeed the lies he is telling her.
Grumpybutfun Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I know her email address because I actually know her. I've never met her in person but we've spoken on the phone and had email conversations previously because of the nature of our jobs. Yes, you're right - I am a liar. But at least I had the guts to confess and my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage. What hope does his marriage have if he just tells lie upon lie. I want her to know the truth. And seriously what person would concoct a story and confess to a fantasy affair (including sex) to their husband/wife just to get back at someone. Doesn't she realise how ridiculous that thought is. I will put it behind me, which is more than he'll be able to do. I don't how he can sleep at night if these are indeed the lies he is telling her. How is he sleeping at night? The same way you slept when you lied to your husband. Wow, you really need to get some perspective and be extremely grateful your husband took you back. Their marriage is none of your concern. G 10
Author Tarnished Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Yes I am lucky my husband took me back and is willing to work with me on rebuilding. One thing I've realised in all of this is that my husband is a 1000 times the man my AP is and 'm doing all I can to make it up to him. 2
anne1707 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I am a fWS who had an affair at work and still work with the exOM. Every moment you spend thinking about the OM is damaging to your marriage's chances of reconciliation. You have to let go of this anger. You have to stop placing such importance on what the OM has said about you. Your only contact with the OM should be about work and nothing else. Not even chatting about the weather now. I know it is hard to do this (from personal experience) but you have to do it. The fact that you even phoned the OM to check whether he was ok after your husband had told his wife says to me that you are still too involved with this man. It was also very disrespectful of your husband considering you are trying to reconcile. You need to be indifferent to him, not hating him. 7
gaius Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 How is he sleeping at night? The same way you slept when you lied to your husband. Wow, you really need to get some perspective and be extremely grateful your husband took you back. Their marriage is none of your concern. G If I was the husband, got cheated on, swallowed my pride and forgave her only to have her run around calling the other dude, being so concerned with what was happening with the other dude, I think my testicles would just wither up and fall off right then and there. Perspective is right. 6
Author Tarnished Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 My husband was also curious to know how they she is after he told the wife what had gone on. He didn't mind me contacting him but yes, he now wants me to let it go, which I'll do. 2
gaius Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I am a fWS who had an affair at work and still work with the exOM. Every moment you spend thinking about the OM is damaging to your marriage's chances of reconciliation. You have to let go of this anger. You have to stop placing such importance on what the OM has said about you. Your only contact with the OM should be about work and nothing else. Not even chatting about the weather now. I know it is hard to do this (from personal experience) but you have to do it. The fact that you even phoned the OM to check whether he was ok after your husband had told his wife says to me that you are still too involved with this man. It was also very disrespectful of your husband considering you are trying to reconcile. You need to be indifferent to him, not hating him. How does your husband deal with that Anne? Office Christmas parties? Does he just not go to where you work or has he found some way to not beat the crap out of the guy the moment he sees him? I don't think that's a situation I could deal with. 2
anne1707 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 How does your husband deal with that Anne? Office Christmas parties? Does he just not go to where you work or has he found some way to not beat the crap out of the guy the moment he sees him? I don't think that's a situation I could deal with. We make a point of keeping in touch during the day at work and on Christmas parties. He also now drops me off at work in the morning and picks me up too. From time to time we will have lunch together during the week so he will actually come to my office to meet me. My husband is an incredibly strong man and he has acted with immense dignity throughout all of this. Though he does love seeing the exOM squirm when he comes to my office and he does still want to beat the cr*p out of him when I finally get a job somewhere else 3
ComingInHot Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Tarnished, what are you doing to R with Your Husband instead of focusing on MM and your concern, anger and angst regarding the A, MM and His W? It sounds from what you wrote that you are keen on R''ing with Your H. Why? 2
Quiet Storm Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 You can't expect a liar, cheater, manipulator to morph into a standup guy just because YOUR conscience kicked in. Let it go. 9
chelsea2011 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Who cares what they think at this point. It is no longer your concern. His wife has enough t deal with because she just got hit with something that caused her traumatic pain in the past. She will deal with it in her own way and instead of worrying how you appear you should be showing empathy and compassion for the pain she is now going through for a second time in her life. An old wound was opened and she is now trying to process the feelings that have surfaced. You should focus on the fact that you care what others are thinking because that may be one of the issues that led you down the affair path to begin with. I can identify with how she feels. My first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and he would make it obvious by flirting with her right in front of my face. It was like he got off on watching me be tortured by it all. Fast foward to a few years ago, someone I was seeing started to do the same thing and wow, the pain from the past came rushing to the surface and I was knocked off my feet. It was like this guy was being coached by my ex or something because he was doing the same exact things my ex did. my head started spinning, my heart felt assaulted and I felt like he punched me right in the stomach. It was awful. My point is, it doesn't matter what she thinks of you now because you are a part of the reason she is hurting right now. You may have come clean, but you still have a lot of work ahead of you in figuring out why your coping mechanisms are faulty. That is more important than what your xMM is doing or what his wife is thinking. 5
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Yes, you're right - I am a liar. But at least I had the guts to confess and my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage. What hope does his marriage have if he just tells lie upon lie. I want her to know the truth. And seriously what person would concoct a story and confess to a fantasy affair (including sex) to their husband/wife just to get back at someone. Doesn't she realise how ridiculous that thought is. I will put it behind me, which is more than he'll be able to do. I don't how he can sleep at night if these are indeed the lies he is telling her. You have no idea what is going on inside his head and how he is justifying this all to himself. You both certainly had no problem having an affair and keeping it hidden from your spouses, so nothing has changed on his end. Difference is, you woke up and decided to confess - Good for you, that took courage and you're real lucky that your husband is willing to give you a chance to make it right again. FORGET him and his marriage/wife. How they go on and handle things is their business now, not yours. Focus on yourself, your husband and fixing things in your own life. If his wife contacts you or your husband, as a united team speak to her and let her know your side of things and answer all her questions. Until then, do nothing when it comes to them. 4
Snipercatt Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Perhaps you are so concerned about xMM because it is a way to delay working on your own issues. Your interest isn't congruent with someone who has ended the relationship with finality. That's your sign that you aren't focused on the appropriate issues. Don't worry about what his wife thinks of you, you can't rehabilatate your reputation with her, even under the absolute best of circumstances. This situation is scorched earth and you'd do best to evacuate in mind, body and soul and quarantine yourself from any future involvement. To do otherwise invites disaster. 2
experiencethedevine Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I know her email address because I actually know her. I've never met her in person but we've spoken on the phone and had email conversations previously because of the nature of our jobs. Yes, you're right - I am a liar. But at least I had the guts to confess and my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage. What hope does his marriage have if he just tells lie upon lie. I want her to know the truth. And seriously what person would concoct a story and confess to a fantasy affair (including sex) to their husband/wife just to get back at someone. Doesn't she realise how ridiculous that thought is. I will put it behind me, which is more than he'll be able to do. I don't how he can sleep at night if these are indeed the lies he is telling her. You know nothing of what he has told his wife. You are making assumptions based on what you say your husband has told her. That is all. His marriage has as much hope as yours regarding survival. That is what occurs in an affair where both parties are married. You are obviously angry because you have no idea what he has actually told his wife as he has (in my opinion) rightly told you that it is no longer any of your business. If you see her suppositons as ridiculous, you must consider that she will likely view your outrage at not knowing what he has told her about you in a similar vein. 1
peaksandvalleys Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I know her email address because I actually know her. I've never met her in person but we've spoken on the phone and had email conversations previously because of the nature of our jobs. Yes, you're right - I am a liar. But at least I had the guts to confess and my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage. What hope does his marriage have if he just tells lie upon lie. I want her to know the truth. And seriously what person would concoct a story and confess to a fantasy affair (including sex) to their husband/wife just to get back at someone. Doesn't she realise how ridiculous that thought is. I will put it behind me, which is more than he'll be able to do. I don't how he can sleep at night if these are indeed the lies he is telling her. Whatever hope his marriage has is absolutely not your business. If it stands a chance of complete restoration or completely implodes you have done everything you need to or should do. Your spouse told her and you told her. She has been lied to by you and him and now you want her to see "a" truth. Leave her alone. 8
lollipopspot Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 OP, I reacted strongly to your post because of the mix of self righteousness and self centeredness - while talking about yourself cheating on the person you made vows to. It's like a thief being REALLY ANGRY when someone steals something of his. Do you know what this woman is going through? Maybe she just had a cancer diagnosis. Maybe she's depressed and hanging on by a thread. Like I said before, maybe she can't imagine being a single mother at this point. It sounds like you're not going to confront her again, and I don't know you, but I think it might be beneficial to work on your empathy. It's not just what you want, and people are saying about you, and how you feel...everyone has their own lives to live and deal with, and you can only be responsible for yourself and being careful of the effects you create from your actions. Let everyone else deal with their own "karma." 2
Artie Lang Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I've realised in all of this is that my husband is a 1000 times the man my AP is it's lamentable that it took an affair and the OM throwing you under the bus to realize what you had. this OM has shown you his true colors, as most AP's do when they begin to feel the squeeze of potential consequences for their abhorrent behavior. you can't control what this POS is telling his wife. i agree that his wife might be in denial if she is actually questioning the legitimacy of the exposure. then again, what spouse wouldn't question such a thing..... can't really blame her, or other BS's for trying holding on to a shred of the blind trust they gave their WS. you really need to let this go and focus on recovering your marriage. 4
Author Tarnished Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 I really appreciate all the different opinions I've received in reply to my thread. It has helped me to see that even if he is continuing to lie to her and paint me as a desperate and jilted woman, then that is just what they think. I know the truth and so does my husband - unless he starts spreading rumours about me, then I'll let it go and have no contact at all with him. It would be awesome to be able to leave my job and start again but unfortunately we live in a small regional area and that is not an option. Who knows, maybe she'll make him leave his job. Whether she believes him or not, she's not going to like him working one floor above me five days a week, especially if I am some desperate femme fatale!!!!!! Hahahaha. I would like to hear some opinions on why he would lie and deny the affair (saying I made it all up). Why would someone do that (if it is what he's done)? Wouldn't it just mean there is no hope of them recovering if she ever does doubt his word or finds irrefutable proof of the affair?
anne1707 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 He is lying to protect his selfish ar$e, simple as that. His lies are not because of you but because of him. And yes, his marriage can never fully recover whilst the lies continue. But you also need to let go of thinking about what motivates him if you are to fully reconcile with your husband. I do understand the questioning and anger you may have re the MOM (been there, more than done that) but you can only start making real progress when your focus shifts to where it should be. Let your future be a truly happy marriage and not a fake marriage (like his). 4
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