my gf broke up with me, i love her and want her back

[adozk]

OK, it is gonna be a long post, but I thought I should give a summary of the relationship so you could understand the situation better and give me better advice:

 

OK, so here is the story of my three and a half month long relationship (I’m 30 she’s 27 by the way):

 

I met this girl at my work. We work in the same place. In the beginning, I was not really interested in her, but she showed me signs of interest, so I took her phone number, but didn’t do anything with it.

 

One evening she sent me a text, some random funny stuff, and I responded. So we started texting, and for about two weeks we texted each other every now and then. After two weeks, I asked her out for a concert of one of my favourite bands, and she accepted. I didn’t think of that as a date, I just wanted somebody to join me for the concert. Everything was fine that night and the first physical contacts happened, but nothing much (she puts her head on my shoulder, I hold her by her waist...). I joined the songs shouting, and this surprised her as I’m known as a quiet guy. She said I’m not like what I seem.

 

After the concert, I drove her to her place, and before she was getting out of the car, she said that she is just getting to know me and us working in the same place is a little stressfull and she needed time. It didn’t mean anything to me at that moment, because I was still not interested in her as a date.

So after that, for about two weeks we texted and phoned each other, and we always see each other at work, and I started to like her. I asked her out a couple of times, she accepted and we started dating. We were having a lot of fun in our dates. She seemed a very outgoing, fun and a happy person, but underneath that there was a sad person. She had problems, and I encoureged her to talk about them.

 

She comes from a religious family, she was suppressed by her family when she was younger, was sent to a religious camp after college, she doesn’t like her dad, she couldn’t take it anymore at home so she came to the big city, stayed with her relatives at first but the same supression, so she left and began a life on her own. She used to be super shy, but she changed when she came to the big city, became a party girl for a while, but she doesn’t go out much anymore. She didn’t give much detail and I didn’t insist, but there were times she cried. I didn’t say much, but I listened.

 

So after about two weeks of dating she became distant. I had already fallen in love with her, I got worried, and one evening I spontaneously asked her out for a coffee, she accepted and we talked. I asked her what we were doing, like are we dating or what. She said she was having a lot of fun with me but she doesn’t want to put a title to it. She asked what I thought, and I said I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I said I want you to be happy, I want to make you happy and I would do anything for that. She said let’s just give it some time and let the time show what happens.

 

After that, she stopped being distant, and we dated for another one month. That month was awesome, we had a lot of fun, I’ve done things that made her happy and I was feeling that she was falling for me too. One evening we were in my car and I gave her a present, which made her really really happy. She was so happy she couldn’t stop thanking me and hugging me. She was so sweet, and I got encouraged by that, although I wasn’t planning to do it I couldn’t help myself and whispered “I love you” to her ear. When she heard that, she stopped, all her happiness gone, she simply became still. I asked her, don’t you feel it, and she said we are having a great time together, she feels it but not as much as I do. Then she said, she is so bored with life, she doesn’t have any expactations from life, she’s just letting things slide, and if I’m looking for something serious like marriage I shouldn’t be wasting my time with her. She also complained that I was asking too many questions about her life, and she never asks questions.

 

So I regretted saying the L word, because it was too much too soon, I felt that I’ve given away all my power and I was expecting her to become distant again. But she didn’t, nothing seemed to change, and our relationship went on for another month, we were even closer. She was introducing me as her boyfriend to her friends

 

But then, she became distant again. We went out for new years eve, and she was fine then. But after that, she started not answering my texts, not answering or returning my calls, (not that she did not answer all my calls, but she didn’t call me back if she didn’t answer my call, even the next day). She also seemed upset at work. As she became distant, I insisted on contacting her. I insisted when I asked her out and she didn’t want to come, I insisted when she was going to the doctor (general surgery) and I asked what was wrong and she didn’t want to tell. Then I made one stupid thing. January 11th (Saturday night), there was this company dinner, and I wanted to hold her hand for just two seconds when no one would see (we kept it a secret at work that we had a relationship, it is regarded not appropriate for colleagues to involve in a romatic relationship). It’s not that I reached out and tried to grab her hand forcefully, I just asked her with a gesture to bring her hand closer. But this made her angry. The next day I called her to asked her out, she said no, I insisted but she didn’t change her mind.

 

The next Monday she didn’t come to work because she went to the doctor, I called her to ask if everything was OK, she answered and said there was no problem. Tuesday, she was looking very upset at work, so I asked if she wanted to go out that evening. She asked what we would do, I said we would eat dinner and than do something. She said she didn’t want to go out as she was upset, but I insisted again, said we would do something fun to cheer her up. She thought for a while and said OK.

 

And that evening came the break up talk. She broke up with me.

 

She said: I have been trying to love you but I can’t do it. I really honestly tried to make it work, but I can’t feel the love and I can’t lie to you about that. I can’t decieve you. I wanted to break up as soon as possible, because the more I postpone it the worse it will get for you. I know you’ve attached to me, and with time it will get stronger for you but I can’t reciprocate that. So the sooner the better. I’m sorry. It’s best we go on as friends, if you want. If you don’t want to talk to me I will not talk to you, but we can be friends if you want to stay friends.

 

I said: You felt something for me, I know it, otherwise we couldn’t start this at all. What made your feelings go away. What was it about me that made your felings go away.

 

She said: I wanted to see how far I could go with you. I just can’t feel it, how can I explain it to you? Some of your behaviour (like me insisting on things or asking too many questions sometimes) only helped my decision, but that is not the main reason. I tried but I can’t feel it. We have different personalities.

 

I said: I’ve seen that something was wrong because you were being distant lately, but I wanted to understand what the problem was and try to fix it first. Should we not be able to work things out then I would end the relationship myself. Having different personalities is not a reason for break up. We can work on things that we do that annoy each other. I wasn’t expecting you to end it so quick like this. I wanted to try fixing it first.

 

She said: Like I said, I can’t feel love for you. And maybe you are wondering if there is someone else. I assure you, there isn’t. I just can’t feel love for you.

 

I said: All this time didn’t you fell anything?

 

She said there were times she did. And she cried when she was talking about those times.

 

Then we walked to my car, I held her hands, she didn’t refuse it but said it didn’t make sense, I said it didn’t have to. In the car, I wanted to kiss her goodbye, she refused it, got angry and said what I did was wrong. I apologized.

 

Before I started the car I said I was sorry. She said for what. I said because it didn’t work out. I believed it would work out, I believed we would be happy together, and she said maybe this is for the better.

 

When driving, I asked her if there was someone else, and she said no.

 

Then we arrived at her place, I smelled her hair one last time and kissed her forehead (I always did this when we were leaving) and said take care.

 

So that’s the relationship and how we broke up. She was trying to comfort me during the break up talk. She didn’t want me to be sad.

 

She texted me once that night we broke up, asked if I went home OK. I said yes, she texted good night, I texted good night to you too. We had a couple of small chats at work in the first days after the break up. Now we say hi when we bump into each other, but nothing more.

 

Sometimes she posts some interesting things on her facebook. One was an amateur song (somebody else sings it) which says "I said it when I was drunk last night, you listen to it today when you are sober, I love you " and other lyrics are about how he came into her life all of a sudden, she can't forget his face one second, she is asking why he is not with her and far away when she burns with his love, he was her last chance for love but she lost it and so on, to which she commented "there is nothing else to say". She posted that one week after the break up and today she posted that she was feeling lost. No idea if any of those has anything to do with me.

 

Anyways, it’s been ten days now. At first it sucked, I felt really bad, but I’m learning to deal with the pain now. But I’m constantly blaming myself.

 

I blame myself because I didn’t give her space in the last two weeks, when she started to act distant again.

 

I blame myself because I came on too heavy too soon. Dropping the L word was a mistake. Maybe that scared her off.

 

I blame myself because during the relationship, I couldn’t fulfill her emotional needs. I became aware of it in the beginning of the relationship, that she had a depressed inner self. And she knew I was. I told her I wanted to make her happy, and I would do anything to make her happy. Maybe she hoped that I could really reach that sad person inside of her, and make her really happy. That was what I wanted to do, but later during the relationship, I forgot all about it and neglected it. Maybe she could not feel the love for me, because I dissappointed her, I couldn’t give her what she expected and I promised.

 

I feel like if I had done things differently, we would be together now.

 

Is there any way I can get her back?

[d0nnivain]

She seems like a nice person . . . kind etc.

 

 

Unfortunately you fell hard & fast. You describe loving her before you were really dating.

 

 

Her lack of interest in life may be a sign of depression. If that's true, there is nothing you can do to win her back. It's her own head that is holding her down. It's not about you.

 

 

At this point you need to give her a wide berth & give yourself time to heal.

[adozk]

Yes, she was a very nice person, that's why I'm extra sad that I lost her.

 

And yes, I fell hard and fast and I showed it. I came on too strong, didn’t know when to back off, was available all the time, and made these mistakes over and over again. The first time she became distant in the relationship, I knew it was because I didn’t back off when I should.

 

But did I take any lessons from that?

No.

 

When things turned around and we dated for two more months, I completely forgot about that, again didn’t back off when I should, was always available and eventually she lost interest and became distant again.

 

That’s when I should have finally realised, but instead of giving her some space, I pushed her even more. So she broke up with me.

 

She said she tried to fall in love with me but she couldn’t, that must be because I couldn’t keep the attraction on. I also believe that I failed at fulfilling her emotional needs related to her inner depressed self, and that’s another reason.

 

She was very nice, at least she didn’t give me any bull**** and was honest with me for the reason of the break up. There is nothing I can blame her for, so I blame myself.

[WYSWYG]

that's tough.

 

She seems nice but somewhat indecisive or maybe just being honest that she's really not in love w/ you. She may have seen something in you that she didn't like. That or she may just have behavioral issues. All this is beyond your control. She is who she is and best not to figure it out.

 

You're the one suffering on this. You're still very attached, like most of us dumpees here. But ask yourself if it's really worth the pain. Who really wants to be miserable when life is too short?

 

If you really wanna get her back, you have to distance yourself. It seems counter-intuitive but you have to give her space. NC is what most people will advise. You will have to grieve/mourn the loss for a while. Most folks here is going thru that process.

 

In time, the longing/pain will fade. Once you have clarity, you two might be in touch again and see if the romance can be rekindled. Or by then, both of you might have moved along w/ someone new. Only time will tell.

 

According to my psychologist, I'm a codependent. The ex took my kindness for granted cuz I'm always available and cared like a dad. I learned that I need to set boundaries to fortify myself and not guna be a doormat on the next one.

 

It's been almost 3 months for me. I was still in love w/ her when I walked away but I knew the RS was not going anywhere and I was sick of fighting, mood-changes and deceptions. I'm feeling better nowadays but not over it still..

 

Don't blame yourself too hard and too much. Nothing you can do to change in the past but just learn from it.

Edited January 25, 2014 by WYSWYG

[adozk]

She definately didn’t like my beaviour in the last two weeks, which is basically me insisting on things. She distanced herself, and that’s what I should have done too to give her the space.

 

When she is being distant, you see there is a problem, and you try to fix it, but the more you try the more you push her. It’s a trap. Maybe it’s OK to try once but if she keeps being distant, you don’t insist. Otherwise, you just help her make a decision, and under these circumstances it’s usually breaking up with you.

 

And the worst part is, I KNEW this. But still, I went the other way. All the things I’m gonna have to do now to heal, I should have done before the break up and it could be prevented. Knowing this makes me feel stupid.

 

Sometimes it doesn’t sink in before the disaster happens and you face the consequences.

[adozk]

any more insight would be greatly appreciated.

i'm pretty effed up atm.

i'm trying to go nc as best as i can, we're working at the same place.

[LostOne08]

I saw your thread and I just had to reply. Your breakup sounds almost EXACTLY like my last one was, and it's kind of eerie. So, I'm willing to offer you any insight I can into this situation. Hell, you can kind of think of it this way: I'm where you'll be within a few months. My breakup was almost 5 months ago.

 

You and I are the same age, 30. My ex was older than yours, though, she's 33. The problem with my ex was that she had two really long relationships before her and I started dating. Both of those ended extremely badly and my ex was totally neglected and mistreated by both of those guys. It wasn't her fault, but now with the benefit of hindsight, I could see that she was kind of…poisoned…by that. Especially the last guy. Everytime I think about how he ruined what may have otherwise been a perfect woman, I get infuriated. Anyway, my ex and I have a mutual friend and that's how we started dating. It lasted almost 5 months and everything was great for the most part. Like you and your ex, I don't think I was filling a lot of the voids in her life, but I was working to do that. And I was frustrated because although she was letting me in a little bit, she kept things mainly to herself.

 

Over the course of the last week of our relationship, I noticed she was getting colder and more distant. Just the week prior, we were in constant contact (we lived in different towns about an hour away from each other, but saw each other as much as we could). Like you, my instinct was to confront the problem and try to work on it. I cared about this woman so much, I didn't want to lose her. Anyway, that turned into her breaking up with me. She said she didn't feel the chemistry between us although she really wanted to but there was no spark and that we dated as long as we did because she kept hoping it would happen. Sound familiar? The only thing is, she initially wanted time to herself to reevaluate and then nine days later she finalized it. That's what she wanted.

 

Maybe I can help you from making the next few mistakes I did, though. I tried to talk to her after that, tried to make her see that there was SOMETHING between us and that if we only worked on it, she could be completely satisfied by our relationship. You can guess how that went, it pushed her away. I wasn't over the top with it, but I called and texted a few times over the first six weeks until finally she ended up telling me that it would be "ideal" if I didn't contact her "for the time being". It still stings whenever someone says the word "ideal" to me, that's the first thought that comes to my mind. Months later, she dropped me from Facebook. That hurt at the time, but I should thank her. If she had gotten into another relationship prior to dropping me from Facebook and I saw it, I don't know what I would have done.

 

My ex told me the same thing yours did, that it was the lack of attraction. That she felt like I was more invested in the relationship than she was and that she didn't feel anything, but wanted to. She said it wasn't because of anyone else and I believe her. At first, I absolutely didn't, but given the way things went in the months following the breakup, I've grown to see that was probably the case. She said she wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship after her last ones. It had been a year and several months since her last breakup until we started dating, but there's no timetable on those things. She initially wanted to be friends as well, but when I kept pushing to make the relationship work it soured her on that.

 

So, if I had to encapsulate the advice I've learned for you it'd be this:

1) Don't beat yourself up over what you could have done or should have done. The past is the past, this relationship didn't work and it was because of BOTH of you, not just you. Remember, even if coming on too strong or not giving her the space is what drove her away, she didn't do enough on her end to let you know how that made her feel and she didn't want to make the relationship work in spite of your behavior. Keep the "bad" you did in mind for the next relationship, because this one is over. Even if you get back with her down the road, it'll be a totally new relationship.

 

2) Go NC immediately and STAY there. Don't give that up for anything. That's the mistake I made. No "maybe if I talk to her one more time I can explain…", "maybe she misses me and is waiting on me to contact her…" none of that. I can assure you, that is not the case. If she wants to hear from you, you'll know about it. I know this is extremely hard, but you mentioned keeping up with her Facebook posts, you HAVE to immediately remove her from Facebook. Do you want to know exactly when she starts seeing someone else? If you don't this step is necessary. I know the both of you still work together, if she asks why you deleted her just tell her the truth: you're hurting and it's best if you two weren't in contact for right now either online or offline. As for the work situation, I'd say just don't speak to her unless you absolutely have to. A cordial "hello" should be fine, but don't linger and make small talk. Just keep it moving if at all possible.

 

3) Focus on yourself. Do something you've always wanted to do and didn't. Pick up a new hobby, go on a trip. I did both of these things and while they were "temporary" moments of happiness after the breakup, they did help me recover.

 

I know you want to get back with her, because you probably felt like you didn't get a fair shake at the relationship. I know this because it's exactly how I felt. But, you have to face one cold reality: you might get back with her, she might work on what kept her held back in the relationship and come back to you but the chances are extremely high that she won't. Especially if there was no attraction there. So, you have to live life like she's not coming back. It's hard to hear and I apologize for the harshness, but we can't let things like this keep us back from truly living life.

 

I'm pulling for your recovery, man.

[drallafi]

Is there any way I can get her back?

 

Nope.

 

But you will meet someone with whom you're more compatible.

 

I know this doesn't help because you don't want that. But give it some time. It'll be ok.

[adozk]

Pretty much the same story LostOne08. We were also living in different cities an hour apart. My ex had a relationship of 6 years, which her bf ended with a text for a stupid reason, but I didn't know that until we broke up.

 

Thinking back to the course of the last two weeks of our relationship, maybe she was getting colder and more distant because she was annoyed. Now looking back to it I think she was having PMS and I took some of her behaviour personal. She could still tolarate that, but if only I didn't do that unaccaptable thing in the company dinner (trying to hold her hand when I thought no one would see, but still someone could see it and that would put her in a lot of trouble). And I didn't even apologize for it.

1) Don't beat yourself up over what you could have done or should have done. The past is the past, this relationship didn't work and it was because of BOTH of you, not just you. Remember, even if coming on too strong or not giving her the space is what drove her away, she didn't do enough on her end to let you know how that made her feel and she didn't want to make the relationship work in spite of your behavior. Keep the "bad" you did in mind for the next relationship, because this one is over. Even if you get back with her down the road, it'll be a totally new relationship.

 

Maybe that's true, but it sucks to know that I made it easier for her to decide.

 

Hurts to know that I can't hold her in my arms, and smell her hair anymore.

[adozk]

I'm going NC, but I can't stop thinking about the last weeks of the relationship.

 

At the new years eve party, there was that moment she had an upset stomach, I asked her if it was her period. She said not yet but it's gonna be bad this time.

 

Next Sunday (5 days later), I asked her out, she was at home sleeping all day, didn't answer my calls.

 

The weekend after that, there was this unaccaptable mistake I made at the company dinner (I tried to hold her hand, at company dinner it was unappropriate). That Sunday I asked her out, she said she had a headache and could not go out, she slept at home all day.

 

The next day, she said she had to go to hospital at night, as she became ill. I asked her why, she said she caught cold and her stomach was upset.

 

And the next day after that, she broke up with me. After the break up conversation, she said she had to leave, I wanted her to stay a little more as it would be the last time I would be that close to her. She said she had to go, it's not about the break up, I would understand if I were a lady.

 

Now I know I might not sound like I'm 30, but I've heard that in some cases the PMS can be really very very bad and it lasts as long as two weeks. I've even heard of super PMS, which is said to happen every 6 months or so. She had all the symptoms. On top of that, I made some stupid things to annoy her even further. Maybe these combined made her think she couldn't take it anymore.

 

I know she rushes decisions sometimes, and she is very stubborn, sticks by what she says no matter what. Even if she regrets it, she wouldn't come back to me.

 

If this is the case, is there a way I could encourage her to get back together? Idk, how do I know if this is the case?

 

Anybody with PMS break up experience? Maybe ladies can have more insight about it?

Edited January 31, 2014 by adozk

[adozk]

I see that I might be at the beginning of the coping stage. But there is something that holds me back.

 

Some background info:

 

My relationship lasted three and a half months. She broke up with me 17 days ago. I saw that coming, but I made it easier for her to make the decision to break up.

 

At the beginning of the relationship, I fell hard and fast, and I gave too much too soon. I fell much much much more for her than she fell for me, and she knew that. She knew that the break up would be very hard for me to take. She was genuinely nice and tried to comfort me during the break up conversation.

 

She said that she tried, but she can't fall in love with me. She said she wanted to give it a try to see if it would work out and how far we could go, but she can't pass that threshold of love (that might not have translated well in English). She said she wouldn't lie to me about that, and she can't act as if she is in love with me when she isn't. I asked her what made her feelings vanish and go away. She said some of the things I did helped, but those are not the main reason. She said it was a matter of feelings, and there is not really any way to explain that. Then I hound her about the reasons, that I shouldn't have done.

 

Fortunately, I haven't done any of the begging, crying, or trying to convince her... On the contrary, I told her I was considering a break up too, as things were not going well, but I wasn't expecting it to be this quick. I wasn't really considering a break up, I don't know why I said that, maybe I didn't want her to feel guilty because of her decision. Idk.

 

She said we could remain friends and continue to hang out if I wanted, but she would cut contact if I cut contact. I said I wouldn't cut contact, didn't say anything about remaining friends.

 

Now I'm going NC as best as I can. But we work at the same place. I only say hi when we see each other at work, or I simply smile. Sometimes I wink at her if there is eye contact, and she smiles back, but that's it. There were a couple of times I initiated small talk in the first days of the break up, but I don't do that anymore.

 

Now when I think about the last times of our relationship, I see what I've done wrong and I blame myself. In the last two weeks of the relationship she became distant. Idk, maybe I took some of the things too personally, but I knew that she was not attached to me as much as I was attached to her. So I panicked. And I smothered her. Not like I called her a million times or texted her all the time. But I insisted on things she didn't want to, talk about things she was not comfortable talking about, and I couldn't take no for an answer. I was her boyfriend, I assumed she could tell.

 

And then I made that huge mistake. I think that made her make the final decision to break up. We were at this company dinner/party one night. And I wanted to hold her hand when I thought no one would see. Not that I tried to grab her hand, but I made a gesture to ask her to bring her hand closer. She refused to that, and I repeated like three times and she got really angry. No one in the company knew we were in a relationship, because it is considered not appropriate that colleagues involved in romantic relationships with each other, so we kept it a secret. She could be in a lot of trouble if someone saw. I knew it was a big mistake, but I was so emotionally messed up I didn't even apologize.

 

Three days later she broke up with me.

 

I didn't how to behave correctly towards the end. When I saw her being distant, I needed to back off, give her some space, and work on myself. Instead, I let jealousy and paranoia get the best of me. I lost emotional control, and that made me do stupid things. If I could do before the break up what I need to do now in the coping stage, the break up could be prevented, or postponed at least. Who knows, maybe she could finally feel the connection in the meantime.

 

 

Now I think it's mostly my fault that she broke up with me. I'm having trouble overcoming the self blame.

Edited February 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moved from thread on different topic