They say it isn't your fault...but...

[confusedandhurt2002]

I'm not talking about things that may have been broken in a marriage to lead to an affair. I'm talking about a BS feeling like it was their fault their spouse cheated, no matter how many times someone says "it was something broken in your spouse, not you." To me, no matter the problems in a marriage, the answer is NEVER to have an affair. An answer? Get a divorce...separate..something, anything, other than destroying a person from the inside out.

 

People have told me over and over, it's not my fault. It was his choice and he made the wrong one. things are going great between him and I, so this isn't one of those "I'm so depressed because he's an ass" posts.

 

What bothers me at times is how people may say "it's not your fault" but really they are thinking "What did she do/didn't do that made him stray?" They sit and wonder: "Was she awful in bed?" "Was she a nagging wife?" "Did she belittle him?" "What DID she DO?"

 

It's stupid, I know, but sometimes I think if people know or find out they will think, "She's less of a woman. she couldn't even satisfy her husband, he had to go to someone else."

 

Sometimes in public I hang my head like they are all staring at me and judging me and thinking, "She must not have been good enough or he wouldn't have strayed."

 

He's stayed with me, is fighting for me, and wants to be here, so obviously I'm not "less than." So why do I feel that way? And that others are thinking that about me? It's an absolute ridiculous feeling, but I just wanted to share in case others who have been betrayed feel that way too.

 

We have to remember that everyone has their own story, their own skeletons in their closet. None of us are perfect and we all have our own "shame" to bear.

[Lokahi117]

I find this very interesting as it usually society's view of a man that strays as he is a dog, and when a women strays, that the man is usually not man enough to have satisfied her. It's one of e main reasons that such a small percentage of men stay with a ww.

 

I'm sorry your feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel. Because I feel the same way. But rest way way way assured that people view your husbands choice to cheat as he is a dog and the woman or women he cheated with are sluts and skanks. You as the bw are almost always viewed by any mature rational person as the wholly innocent here.

 

Hugs from over here in Loki-land.

[yellowmaverick]

I can honestly say that I feel no shame for myself. I feel ashamed of HIM, but it doesn't extend to me. I know who I was and who I am. The people who know me well know who I was and who I am. My children know who I am. I don't worry about what anyone else thinks because of the affair.

 

Honestly, Confused, anybody who thinks that you did something to "make" him have the affair is probably someone who was or is engaged in an affair himself/herself. I don't look at a person who was assaulted or stolen from or bullied and wonder what he/she did to deserve it. Only those who never take responsibility for their choices do that.

 

Don't worry about what you can't control.

[EverySunset]

I felt like you do, for a long time.

 

I didn't buy the whole "exclusion of responsibility" talk until later, when his friends who knew about it broke down and found me, even after changing my number to apologize. That they saw the reckless, damaging behavior but couldn't stop the train. THEY felt bad, the shame. It blew me out if the water that his friends worried about me more than my own husband had.

 

Whatever reason my H had for being unfaithful was, the choice to do so was his. Not mine, not his friends.

 

I tried after the first Dday to make it work. I didn't care what anyone said. If you have a truly repentant partner who will put in the work... It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

 

But if he's not... Well, you know the rest.

 

I'm not talking about things that may have been broken in a marriage to lead to an affair. I'm talking about a BS feeling like it was their fault their spouse cheated, no matter how many times someone says "it was something broken in your spouse, not you." To me, no matter the problems in a marriage, the answer is NEVER to have an affair. An answer? Get a divorce...separate..something, anything, other than destroying a person from the inside out.

 

People have told me over and over, it's not my fault. It was his choice and he made the wrong one. things are going great between him and I, so this isn't one of those "I'm so depressed because he's an ass" posts.

 

What bothers me at times is how people may say "it's not your fault" but really they are thinking "What did she do/didn't do that made him stray?" They sit and wonder: "Was she awful in bed?" "Was she a nagging wife?" "Did she belittle him?" "What DID she DO?"

 

It's stupid, I know, but sometimes I think if people know or find out they will think, "She's less of a woman. she couldn't even satisfy her husband, he had to go to someone else."

 

Sometimes in public I hang my head like they are all staring at me and judging me and thinking, "She must not have been good enough or he wouldn't have strayed."

 

He's stayed with me, is fighting for me, and wants to be here, so obviously I'm not "less than." So why do I feel that way? And that others are thinking that about me? It's an absolute ridiculous feeling, but I just wanted to share in case others who have been betrayed feel that way too.

 

We have to remember that everyone has their own story, their own skeletons in their closet. None of us are perfect and we all have our own "shame" to bear.

[WhiteOrchid]

I used to care what people thought of me. But after this horrible experience, it is the least of my problems. I know some people who know of my situation (my husband cheated and yes, I took him back) think I am weak and gossip about us. But I have found that I simply don't care. They don't live my life and they truly have no idea how they would react if it happened to them. And frankly, they should be paying more attention to their own marriages instead of worrying about mine.