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Ex MM not giving up trying to contact me - seeking me out in person now

Dog Woman

By Dog Woman
in The Other Man / Woman

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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My exMM is not giving up trying to contact me. I blocked him from phoning and texting me and deleted him from facebook and he has never been given my email address. However, he sent me a private message on facebook, which after some thought I responded to and told him I didn't want to get involved and be the OW. I spelled out the reasons why. I told him I will not date him as long as he is married.

 

He replied saying said that whilst he wanted me he realised he needs to decide what he is doing with his marriage and he has admitted he now understands why I have been trying to keep my distance from him and why I blocked his numbers from my phone. I wasn't expecting him to contact me via facebook - he never has in the past sent private messages - but I have blocked him from seeing my profile and from preventing him sending further messages. That was the end of the things or so I thought until today.

 

I was on my lunch break and heading for the sandwich shop on the industrial estate where I work and unbeknown to me, ex MM was also on the estate but parked up in his works van. I didn't realise he was there and I couldn't see all of the van properly to realise that it might be his. He attracted my attention as I approached the van. I don't know whether he was there waiting for me or it was just coincidence but he said he was waiting for a colleague to arrive with some plant machinery and he was going to go with them to a job and supervise them. I didn't want to get into conversation with him so just passed the time of day and made a quick exit, telling him that I didn't have much of my lunch break left and I had to get some lunch. I don't feel threatened in any way if he tries to speak to me, I would just rather not get involved. He's not menacing or doing this with any mallice, he's lonely and vulnerable but I still don't want to get involved. Should I just try and dodge him or if he does succeed in speaking to me, just exchange a few words and make a quick exit or is there any thing else I can do at this stage to discourage him?

proseandpassion Established Member

proseandpassion

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How about a restraining order?

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blue963 Established Member

blue963

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to me restraining order seems drastic....just keep your distance and dont get involved unless conditions are met.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Take the bull by the horns and just tell him that you want absolutely nothing to do with him and what part of this does he not understand, NC NC NC. The A is over, he's married. No need to go into further details, it's been said 100 times. HE KNOWS why yet he thinks he can 'get you back' by trying to contact you, over and over again hoping you'll cave.

 

Ignore him. There is nothing more to say.

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WakingUp Established Member

WakingUp

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But... didn't he tell you he was separated?

 

 

And he has a serious health problem?

 

 

Because if he lied to you about those things, all the time lying to his wife as well, the best thing you can do is just walk on by. Nod and smile but walk as fast as you can.

 

 

Don't entertain any thoughts of interacting with him on any level.

 

 

Sooner or later he will just give up.

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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to me restraining order seems drastic....just keep your distance and dont get involved unless conditions are met.

 

This would be too drastic and it would blow the affair we had right into the open, which I want to avoid, especially if his wife or any of my family, ex husband got to find out. I'm wanting to keep things low key and take any action with the minimum of fuss.

 

But... didn't he tell you he was separated?

 

 

And he has a serious health problem?

 

 

Because if he lied to you about those things, all the time lying to his wife as well, the best thing you can do is just walk on by. Nod and smile but walk as fast as you can.

 

 

Don't entertain any thoughts of interacting with him on any level.

 

 

Sooner or later he will just give up.

 

He did tell me he was separated and could well be telling me the truth but he is still married even if he is separated. He does have a medical condition. It's not life threatening just restricts him a little. This is true because his wife told me the same thing (we were in the same puppy class last year). It was after then I began to distance myself from him and I ended was was then an emotional affair when they went on holiday at the beginning of the Autumn. Prior to that I last saw him in the Summer. I like this guy a lot, just don't want to get involved while he is married, vulnerable and not in a good state emotionally.

 

[i]Take the bull by the horns and just tell him that you want absolutely nothing to do with him and what part of this does he not understand, NC NC NC. The A is over, he's married. No need to go into further details, it's been said 100 times. HE KNOWS why yet he thinks he can 'get you back' by trying to contact you, over and over again hoping you'll cave.

 

Ignore him. There is nothing more to say.

[/i]

 

I should have done it yesterday but didn't want a potential argument to ensue in public, I just made an excuse and a quick exit. How do you advise I tell him - by one final short to the point text or if I see him again in public?

Edited by Dog Woman
janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

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I would say, "no, and please leave me alone as I have asked." Even in public this is fine. If he touches you in response in any way in public, I would say more firmly and loudly "do not put your hands on me!" Unless he wants a sexual battery charge, that oughta wake him up.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Dog Woman, any response with vague intention, on your part, is an acceptance.

 

He keeps knocking, you keep opening, even if only to say "Not today thank you."

 

He still gets given that chance to engage.

 

If you really want him to quit, then you have to make sure he understands that whatever means at his disposal, he is not going to get through to you.

 

This was a huge mistake on your part:

 

he sent me a private message on facebook, which after some thought I responded to

 

You should have denied him that point of entry, too.

You blew it, and now he's taking liberties.

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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Dog Woman, any response with vague intention, on your part, is an acceptance.

 

He keeps knocking, you keep opening, even if only to say "Not today thank you."

 

He still gets given that chance to engage.

 

If you really want him to quit, then you have to make sure he understands that whatever means at his disposal, he is not going to get through to you.

 

This was a huge mistake on your part:

 

 

 

You should have denied him that point of entry, too.

You blew it, and now he's taking liberties.

 

I don't think it would have mattered because now he is seeking me out in person. I think even if I had ignored the facebook private message, he would still have been parked up in his works van on the industrial estate where I work and near the sandwich shop I use. Yesterday wasn't a coincidence, he was waiting for me in the hope I would pass the van. What is to stop him doing that again at some point. I need to find a way, but not a legal one, of getting him to leave me alone not because I hate the guy or think he is being malicious, or trying to harm me, but because I just don't want to get involved again with him as he is still a married man. I think I just need to tell him as which way up has suggested above if I see him again as this is the only way he can try and interact with me now.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Walk on, walk past, walk away.

Do not acknowledge, respond, make eye contact or even notice him.

 

This is on you: You have to be strong enough to do this.

And what's more - you have to be strong enough - to WANT to do this.

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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Walk on, walk past, walk away.

Do not acknowledge, respond, make eye contact or even notice him.

 

This is on you: You have to be strong enough to do this.

And what's more - you have to be strong enough - to WANT to do this.

 

My strength will get tested tomorrow. I remember him saying yesterday that he was going to go to a gundog show for a look around tomorrow. It happens to be the same show as I am exhibiting and entered for over a month ago. I intend to ignore him, avoid him, dodge him if possible but have decided if this doesn't happen and I can avoid him, he's going to get told to leave me alone. He can't really do much about that in a show situation where he is known as a well respected exhibitor and judge, show official.

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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The ex MM is betting on your unwillingness to risk a public scene to continue to pester and annoy you. I strongly recommend you seek legal advice about how best to discourage and prevent any contact. Then follow your lawyer's advice. Stop trying the DIY route because it's not effective and not working and it's high risk to your peace of mind and perhaps even personal safety.

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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When my MM and I were doing NC, I was once sat in a restaurant and saw him driving around looking for me several times, like we used to. I let him do it a few times then came out. It was sweet but I guess not so sweet if you don't want to see him again. Thing is my MM tells me he wants me to leave him alone if I do that to him now :D:D:D So full of crp aren't they? They want you more when you don't want them. Married or not.

 

Very true. I think perhaps the only way he is going to listen is for me to tell him face to face but let him sweat first. As I have mentioned above, an opportunity to do that may present itself tomorrow as we will be at the same show. As a dog judge, show committee official of another dog society, etc he can't really do much else other than listen and take notice of me. It wouldn't do his reputation any good in the dog world if he caused a scene.

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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The ex MM is betting on your unwillingness to risk a public scene to continue to pester and annoy you. I strongly recommend you seek legal advice about how best to discourage and prevent any contact. Then follow your lawyer's advice. Stop trying the DIY route because it's not effective and not working and it's high risk to your peace of mind and perhaps even personal safety.

 

I have decided I am going to tackle him at the show tomorrow but quietly and discreetly. He has already said he wants me rather than his wife but I don't want him unless he is single and divorced. I have already told him this but he's not giving up trying to contact me. To get involved now would not be good for me at all and would be for all the wrong reasons for both our sakes. He needs to decide what he is doing with his marriage and if he is going to divorce his wife then he has to do that. My wish is for clean break from him so I can move on.

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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I have decided I am going to tackle him at the show tomorrow...

In other words, you're continuing to engage with him.

 

He has already said he wants me rather than his wife....

Typical MM blather...words say he "wants" OW, actions say he's married and staying married.

 

...but I don't want him unless he is single and divorced. ...I have already told him this but he's not giving up trying to contact me.

No, he hasn't because contact is working well in continuing to get you to engage and give him space in your head.

 

To get involved now would not be good for me at all and would be for all the wrong reasons for both our sakes....

Trust him to take care of his own best interest. He already is, after all.

He needs to decide what he is doing with his marriage..

His actions show that he has decided to stay married and continue to try his chances on cheating with you.

 

My wish is for clean break from him so I can move on....

You're not doing a good job on breaking at all, let alone cleanly.

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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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It is not easy to avoid/ignore him due to our mutual hobby. Both he and I are heavily involved in the local dog shows and have/will come into contact with one another. If he is stewarding at a show, which he was, last November, unbeknown to me, then he and I will have to speak to eachother, me to request my show card and him to give it to me and for him to hand over a rosette if I get placed. All I can do is be professional and polite in such a situation, to conduct myself in any other way could lead me being banned from a show and being reported to the Kennel Club. Next weekend I am showing at a show where he is a committee member and the chances are, as in previous years, he'll be stewarding one of the rings or doing one of the other show duties.

 

I think I do need to take him to one side today and make my position clear - I do not want to get involved with him - and the only time we should speak is if we have to at a show if he is officiating. He's a lovely guy, just very messed up at the moment, and the last thing I want to have to do is pursue things legally and take out restraining orders etc.

Edited by Dog Woman
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Dog Woman Established Member

Dog Woman

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[quote=Dog Woman;54877

 

I think I do need to take him to one side today and make my position clear - I do not want to get involved with him - and the only time we should speak is if we have to at a show if he is officiating. He's a lovely guy, just very messed up at the moment, and the last thing I want to have to do is pursue things legally and take out restraining orders etc.

 

I didn't get the chance to take him to one side. He was there but I decided to keep my distance and when he tried to talk/approach me, I dismissed him and walked away. You see he seemed to be with another woman and it certainly wasn't his wife!! I'm done with him and unless he's at a show in an official capacity and he/I need to speak to one another re the show, I'm having nothing to do with him. I was tempted to send him one last text giving him a piece of my mind but he's not worth it!

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