FrancineP Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I am a MW and have been in a friendship for the past six years with a man, who until a few years ago, was happily married until he lost his wife of 35 years. My feelings for him were/are deep and sincere. I respect him immensely and hoped this was mutual. Our R is a bit odd. He's much older than me and we didn't come together in the usual way. We share an interest that has proved to be pretty powerful, emotionally. Most of our communication was via email, so in a way, we were pen pals although we initially met in person and continued to meet, along with mutual friends, about 4 or 5 times a year until I moved out of state. By this point, the communication had dwindled to nothing for months until it somehow came alive again the summer after the move. There have been three visits "back home" since the move, with the most recent being this past December. Of course I notified him (and everyone else) of the impending visit, and eventually, he offered to put me up. I was ecstatic! The last visit ended with a surprise invite from him to dinner and his house, where I spent the night so to not drive after drinking. Nothing happened, but I felt there was something more going on. Since that visit, I've thought about him non-stop in a more-than-friends way. And so it goes, I accepted, and the intoxicating fantasy about what could happen quickly ensued. I was running on adrenaline and at the same time I knew that after that weekend, things would never be the same, no matter what happened. I even asked myself, with a grin on my face, "do you really want to risk the friendship?" I knew/know that I love him. And left it at that. So we played house. A trip to the grocery had never been so wrought with sexual tension. I'll never forget that store. He cooked, and did a fine job. He took care of me, and somewhere in the midst of the vacation, I said to myself, "Neh, it's all good. It isn't like that, and that's ok because I'm having a great time and I enjoy being with him!" My last night there was surreal. We had a few drinks and some conversation, then he did it. He just flat-out asked me if I would join him in the bedroom. I couldn't speak. I leered at him, partly upset because he totally caught me off-guard with such formality, partly intrigued but unsure of what to say...so without saying a word, I got up and went to my room. I sat on the edge of the bed whilst literally holding my breath. I heard him enter his room. I closed my eyes and had the little guys on each shoulder do their thing. I made a choice, and it seems for better or for worse, it was the right one. I went to his room and there I stayed until it was time to leave the next day. I cried as soon as I stepped away from his vehicle. I cried in the airport. I cried on the airplane. I cried in the shuttle to the hotel. I cried at the front desk upon check-in. And I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried in my car on the way home. I cried in the shower. I cried as I hugged my children. I cried as I hugged my husband. I think it's safe to say there was some confusion. Both of us were afraid to make contact, I think, at first. But as soon as I validated some random emailed thought of his, there was a flood of communication. And packages. Oh the packages. Nobody was ever as happy as I was to see the postman. But there never was any clarity as to what he was feeling or thinking, but then again, he had always been the master of ambiguity. Each ping, be it email or mail, was a mind-F. You got the good rush of feelings right off the bat but almost always followed with confusion. Two weeks after my return (before the new year) I was actually dreading communication with him! This man, from whom I was always so happy to hear! I had to put on a happy face and nod and smile in email form. In the end (on the edge of the new year), something happened on his end that made me realize how much potential there was for me to become utterly immersed in a fantasy world that I may never find my way out of it. A slave to his every move. I didn't want to be miserable at home. I want to be a good wife and mother. I need that. I can't be held hostage by an out-of-state A (someone should come up with an acronym for that). I had a wonderful experience at that moment, and maybe I would have never been able to break free of him had this not happened. So like I said, for better or for worse. I don't have to wonder anymore. I simply emailed him two sentences requesting a "stop". The words I chose were used in an effort to shut the door, lock it and dispose of the key. Haven't heard a word since (I wouldn't have responded). Going on 4 weeks NC. I have good and bad days. I'm grieving. I'm confused. For the love of God, someone tell me I did the right thing, for us both. Tell me this was a selfless act that demonstrates strength and love for all involved. Someone tell me I'll survive this. Please.
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Depends on your what your version of survive looks like. Is it one, in which you deal with your emotions only? Is it one, in which you want to learn/understand how you tick and why? Is it one, in which you want change? Internally? Externally? Both? Is it one, in which you just want to forget it all happened? What do you want for yourself going forward? For your husband? Your marriage? Your family?
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It's all just a fantasy. Come back to the real world. Time to come clean with your betrayed husband. 3
Author FrancineP Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Those are all great questions to which I have no answers. I hope that changes with more time....sooner than later would be nice.
yellowmaverick Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Tell me this was a selfless act that demonstrates strength and love for all involved. Someone tell me I'll survive this. You will survive it. Dedicate all of the energy that you were giving to the affair to your family - it will help. Tell your husband. He deserves to know. Oh...and don't mention that you believe breaking off the A was a "selfless act that demonstrates strength and love for all involved". This is not something that a betrayed spouse can swallow. 6
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 (edited) I cried as soon as I stepped away from his vehicle. I cried in the airport. I cried on the airplane. I cried in the shuttle to the hotel. I cried at the front desk upon check-in. And I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried in my car on the way home. I cried in the shower. I cried as I hugged my children. I cried as I hugged my husband. I think it's safe to say there was some confusion. Maybe all the crying is you grieving over the death of your marriage and your children's welfare. What does "survive" mean to you? Not getting caught? Going back to the same ole same ole? Living with the burdens of secrets and deceit? Edited January 24, 2014 by Betrayed&Stayed
Author FrancineP Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Maybe all the crying is you grieving over the death of your marriage and your children's welfare. What does "survive" mean to you? Not getting caught? Going back to the same ole same ole? Living with the burdens of secrets and deceit? I clearly have a conscience. Why assume the worst about my coping methods? When I tell my husband, what happens next? Anger, sadness, etc? To say I'd want to spare him that is self-serving BS, no? How about this...I'm simply not strong enough to take his grief on with mine at the moment. I'm a shell of a person right now. I haven't the strength to deal. This will change.
harrybrown Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Have you been tested for stds? After my friend's wife had an affair, that is how he found out she cheated. How would you feel if your husband had an affair? Did you tell your husband that you decided to have an open marriage without letting him have any fun? You should have divorced your husband before you had the emotional affair and definitely after you had the physical affair. So tell your husband. After you have ripped his heart out, thrown it into the fire in little pieces and then put it back into your husband's chest. I hope it still works. Why didn't you try to initiate with your husband? He will not get over this for years. Did you ever love him? Do you have any idea how much you have hurt your husband and your children? What were you thinking? Time to tell your husband and then tell you children why you are getting divorced. I hope you tell your H today before he finds out from someone else.
Author FrancineP Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Maybe all the crying is you grieving over the death of your marriage and your children's welfare. What does "survive" mean to you? Not getting caught? Going back to the same ole same ole? Living with the burdens of secrets and deceit? You will survive it. Dedicate all of the energy that you were giving to the affair to your family - it will help. Tell your husband. He deserves to know. Oh...and don't mention that you believe breaking off the A was a "selfless act that demonstrates strength and love for all involved". This is not something that a betrayed spouse can swallow.[/quote Thanks. Wanted to end with a bit of levity. It's my defense mechanism.
drifter777 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I clearly have a conscience. Why assume the worst about my coping methods? When I tell my husband, what happens next? Anger, sadness, etc? To say I'd want to spare him that is self-serving BS, no? How about this...I'm simply not strong enough to take his grief on with mine at the moment. I'm a shell of a person right now. I haven't the strength to deal. This will change. I think the only reason you should tell him is if you think your life and marriage are so screwed up they need to be turned upside down, sorted out and put back together again. If this is the case you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You have to understand that your husband will be devastated and could just file for divorce on the spot, but whatever the outcome it's better then what you have now. If you want to end your marriage then telling him is a mean, hurtful thing to do. Believe me, in this case he would not want to know. If you want to recommit to your husband and put this all behind you then I see no reason to tell him. The only risk in this case is that he could find out on his own and that could be worse than hearing it from you. If you are quite sure he will never discover what you did then keep it to yourself and use your guilt as motivation to be the best wife you can be. 1
Buckeye2 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 So your husband trusted you enough to let you to spend days “playing house” with another man?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I clearly have a conscience. Why assume the worst about my coping methods? When I tell my husband, what happens next? Anger, sadness, etc? To say I'd want to spare him that is self-serving BS, no? How about this...I'm simply not strong enough to take his grief on with mine at the moment. I'm a shell of a person right now. I haven't the strength to deal. This will change. Yes. It is self-serving. BTW- Who was taking care of the kids while you were playing house? 1
Author FrancineP Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Yes. It is self-serving. BTW- Who was taking care of the kids while you were playing house? I figured if I locked them in their room with enough food and water, I wouldn't need to bother their father with such a task. Who is watching your kids and wife while you pass judgement on an anonymous board about infidelity? 2
jnel921 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 You spent years emailing each other then when his wife died he started flirting with you. You describe your encounter and what you did as "wonderful". Funny...would your H and children agree? All those years should have been spent fixing the communication between yourself and your H. Its good that you came to your senses and chose to stop. Now how will you fix your M? 1
Bryanp Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Just curious but how would you feel if your husband betrayed you and showed such disrespect toward you and your marriage that you have shown him? 2
BetrayedH Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I'm simply not strong enough to take his grief on with mine at the moment. I'm a shell of a person right now. I haven't the strength to deal. This will change. I hope you're right. Three quick resources: 1) Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass 2) How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair, by Linda McDonald 3) The thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know There is a path to reconciling with your betrayed husband. But it is long and narrow and fraught with landmines on both sides. Don't think you're the exception. It turns out that thinking you're the exception is the rule. 2
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 And so it goes, I accepted, and the intoxicating fantasy about what could happen quickly ensued. I was running on adrenaline and at the same time I knew that after that weekend, things would never be the same, no matter what happened. I even asked myself, with a grin on my face, "do you really want to risk the friendship?" I knew/know that I love him. And left it at that. I said to myself, "Neh, it's all good. It isn't like that, and that's ok because I'm having a great time and I enjoy being with him!" I made a choice, and it seems for better or for worse, it was the right one. I went to his room and there I stayed until it was time to leave the next day. I cried as soon as I stepped away from his vehicle. I cried in the airport. I cried on the airplane. I cried in the shuttle to the hotel. I cried at the front desk upon check-in. And I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried in my car on the way home. I cried in the shower. I cried as I hugged my children. I cried as I hugged my husband. I think it's safe to say there was some confusion. Both of us were afraid to make contact, I think, at first. But as soon as I validated some random emailed thought of his, there was a flood of communication. And packages. Oh the packages. Nobody was ever as happy as I was to see the postman. But there never was any clarity as to what he was feeling or thinking, but then again, he had always been the master of ambiguity. Each ping, be it email or mail, was a mind-F. You got the good rush of feelings right off the bat but almost always followed with confusion. Two weeks after my return (before the new year) I was actually dreading communication with him! This man, from whom I was always so happy to hear! I had to put on a happy face and nod and smile in email form. In the end (on the edge of the new year), something happened on his end that made me realize how much potential there was for me to become utterly immersed in a fantasy world that I may never find my way out of it. A slave to his every move. I didn't want to be miserable at home. I want to be a good wife and mother. I need that. I can't be held hostage by an out-of-state A (someone should come up with an acronym for that). I had a wonderful experience at that moment, and maybe I would have never been able to break free of him had this not happened. So like I said, for better or for worse. I don't have to wonder anymore. I simply emailed him two sentences requesting a "stop". The words I chose were used in an effort to shut the door, lock it and dispose of the key. Haven't heard a word since (I wouldn't have responded). Going on 4 weeks NC. I have good and bad days. I'm grieving. I'm confused. For the love of God, someone tell me I did the right thing, for us both. Tell me this was a selfless act that demonstrates strength and love for all involved. Someone tell me I'll survive this. Please. It seems like you had the affair because it was best for you, and now you are ending it because it is best for you. A lot of people seem to make their decisions based on what is best for them, but I don't see anything selfless about anything you've done. I know I wouldn't want to stay with my wife if she really wanted to be with some other guy and I wouldn't in any way consider her to be "selfless" in lying to me about it, and making my life a lie as well. No, there's nothing selfless about that. I am a little confused about what you posted because you said you and other man are involved in the same interest that brings you together emotionally and you still meet up with him and a bunch of other mutual friends four or five times a year, so it doesn't seem like you'll never see him again. I also am confused about what your feelings are on the whole situation. Why did you consider it a "mind-f" on the part of the other man? What is the "something" that "happened on his end" that made you think you would be "a slave to his every move"? It sounds like you really love this other man and your husband is just plain old boring option B. You deserve to be happy. Your husband deserves to know the truth about his life. Can you at least tell us what an awful husband he was, how he wasn't meeting your needs, and how it's his own fault you cheated on him?
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