HeartinPain Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I am post BU 5 months and 2 months NC. I was left for someone else and after 2 months NC, I was starting to feel better. I no longer had urges to contact him and finally moving on. Several days ago my dad passed away after a long battle with terminal illness. I contemplated whether or not I should tell my ex. I decided against it because he made it clear he no longer wanted to be part of my life. I am unsure if I will regret not telling him later... It has been a difficult few days with the passing of my dad. We are not an affectionate family and there is a lot of dysfunction. My mom has BPD and after her initial grieving, it has turned into paranoid and emotionally abusive behaviors. She blames everyone for her problems and is always the victim. I've been walking on egg shells my whole life. I did not have a close relationship with my dad. My mom constantly told me I was a massive disappointment in her eyes and my dad's. She even told me in my 20s that my dad did not even love me because I was a disappointment. Now after my dad's passing, she has been making me feel guilty that I did not make a larger effort to get close to my dad in the final year of his life. The ex noted that one of the reasons he broke up with me was because of my BPD mom and how her negativity impacts me. During the funeral arrangement she said my ex ruined my life because I dedicated so much time to him. She said if we had broke it off a long time ago, I wouldn't be such a disappointment now. I have been a wreck for 5 months mourning the relationship with my ex. Strangely, with the passing of my dad I have been very numb the last few days. I feel that my mourning over my dad has been replaced with the powerlessness and anger toward my BPD mom. My ex is the one I would turn to find support in these situations. I feel so alone and sad.
Never Again Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 HeartInPain, I feel for you. That is a lot to go through. My situation is a bit like yours in reverse - the loss and stress I experienced changed me, and I didn't handle it in an attractive and confident way, so I was left. LS has been a very supportive place. Sometimes a little blunt, but supportive. Post here. We're not the same as talking to someone in person though, so I'd try opening up to a close friend. Have a few drinks with them if you need to. Don't grieve alone or silently. Trust me. Silent grief will eat you up inside. It'll retraumatize you because you'll feel alone and unsupported. It will leave you numb, and you shouldn't let that happen. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I can relate. When my mom passed in Dec 12, I really needed the support of my ex. Instead I got dumped within days. What a one-two punch that was. Whatever!!! My strategy was to tackle each event one at a time so it wasn't an overload. Not sure how successful I was at doing that or how well it worked, but that's what I did (attempted anyway)... When you recover from this, you will be 1000 times stronger. 1
Tryingtobegrateful Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 (edited) Same here. I actually used the same suitcase I used to visit my ex (where he broke up with me)and directly used it back to home...(where my mother died) I needed his support too, but more I found it, it turned out to just be patronizing...you can tell that he no longer care about you and he just did it for guilt...you can tell he was annoyed but tried his best to contain it.. then you tried to withdraw because it was too painful...but secretly you hope he would reach out actively to comfort you...but no...it never comes...not even on the funeral date...and it hurts much more... and I am reminded how he even turned away back when we were still in a relationship when my mother cancer reoccurred, he said I was needy and complained a lot of him not replying (which was only true for the two days of family news...) Edited January 25, 2014 by Tryingtobegrateful 1
Itspointless Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I feel for all you guys. I lost my mother as an adolescent more than one and half decade ago to a very destructive illness that lasted about five years. I was a mess. During the illness the emotional support wasn't the best. I have been numb and depressed for years. HeartinPain I hope you can find some kind of help, as it is so important to have people that will support you. My mothers illness and death changed me so much, gave me so many memories to deal with. I have become a stable person, but it still influences me, especially when it comes to entering a relation or being left. Best of luck to you all. Keep in mind that eventually life will be better again, it will 1
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