That_girl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I met a guy online who got out of a relationship about 6 months ago. He seemed absolutely perfect from the outset; smart, engaging, great job, charming, mature...and the list goes on. The woman he was dating before me was "not a good match" for him and they argued constantly, but she ended up getting pregnant- so he said he decided to stay with her to "make things work for the kid" but she ended up miscarrying unfortunately and lost the child. Then they ended the relationship and are still good friends. They only dated for about 8 months in total. He told me all of this on our first date and I was a little paranoid at first at a couple of things: (he is still friends with her, this only happened about 6 months ago, he also mentioned that he struggles with depression and anxiety). I am not saying that I am completely devoid of issues...but it seemed like all of this stuff might be a lot to deal with. I continued seeing him nonetheless...all the while feeling slightly insecure for reasons that I can't quite put my finger. I do feel like he is more evolved than I am (academically and financially) but for some reason..and as much as I like him...I just felt uneasy around him. We have been dating for about a month and I finally slept with him last week. I told him that I didn't want to have sex until I knew this was exclusive. So of course, he told me that he isn't interested in seeing anyone else...and he said that I was his "girlfriend". Feeling secure in that, we slept together. The strange part is that he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I just felt that he was just asking to be polite. I have a very good intuition about that sort of thing...so I ended up declining and feeling cheap. The next day, I went on the dating site to delete my profile and I noticed that he was online. So I confronted him about it, and he mentioned that he still logs in from time to time to check his messages. And that he even switched his status to "looking for friendship"...which I think is absolutely ridiculous. He is the one that proposed exclusivity to begin with, and I figured a man of his intelligence would be able to come up with a better excuse than that! Anyway, we ended up meeting for drinks, and I got pretty upset at him. Nearly brought him to tears that night. I expressed how him checking out messages on the dating is inconsistent with his desire to be exclusive with me. And he agreed, but kind of fumbled with his words. He then apologized and told me that he took down the profile. Fine. That was the end of that...or so I thought. The next day he texts me to tell me all about how he didn't get any sleep the night before and he is really stressed. Stupidly, I apologized for "overreacting" the night before. He was like "Oh that's fine...you had a right to be upset, and you weren't aware of the fact that relationship conflict really stresses me out. But yes, I did lose sleep over this, and I just need a few days to sit on it." I can't believe that. I responded politely and told him that I understood. But I kinda feel like he just slapped me in the face, and then rubbed the sore spot so to speak. So I have been minimizing my contact with him this week. My responses to his texts are very short and direct. And his texts aren't as cutesy and sweet as they used to be. Now he just tells me about how busy and stressed out he is. As I have no idea what stress is like...considering my job is nowhere near as prestigious as his. So my question is: am I completely irrational in thinking that he only agreed to become exclusive to get in my pants?
CherryBlossom200 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 He sounds like a commitment phobe. I dated a guy like this recently. Walk away, its not worth the pain. He wont commit.
Author That_girl Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Yes, that's what I was thinking. I have those tendencies myself...but I am trying to control that and I am also working it out in therapy. He is in therapy too...but the part that freaks me out is that it was HIM that pushed for the commitment and organized the weekend away with his friends. I would have been content to move at a slower pace. We have only been seeing each other for a month
CherryBlossom200 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Thats EXACTLY what happened with me, he blurted out his life story and issues right at the start - major red flag alert. It was as if he was warning me he was like this. Took me away for a night, met his dad as a rugby game all in the space of week. Spoke about wanting to settle down, have kids all straight away. As soon as I showed interest he was busy, before he had all the time in the world for me. Good reading for you is Mr unavailable and the fallback girl and Men who cant love. All in there and life changing. Really, dont waste time with him. He WONT change.
Author That_girl Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 I am just wondering how the situation ended for you? Did you just stop speaking to him? I feel like he does have issues around commitment etc. and although I am a little pissed and feel used, I completely own the fact that I made the decision to sleep with him. I don't want to get any more involved with him at this point...I just have that feeling where you know something isn't right. But at the same time I don't want to completely ignore him or cut him off. I'd like to just kind of fade away...with as minimal impact as possible. I feel sorry for him...I can tell that he has been through a lot in his life. His own mother calls him a "piece of ****, a loser, scum". I need to think about myself here..but I just want this to be as painless as possible.
CherryBlossom200 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 So we had a brief break of a week during the xmas hols, he said things were moving too fast which made no sense as he was the one moving at lighting speed not me. He then got in contact on NYE wishing me a nice evening. We starting chatting a bit on whatapp and he starting pursuing again, but not with as much vigor as the start. He had some stuff of mine which he needed to give back from when we went away together so used that as an excuse to see me. We met up but even that was a mission, he kept changing plans/dates etc was bizarre. So we met up, was completely normal and lovely. We watched a movie together, he asked me to stay he night so I stayed, we had sex (we had already had sex by this stage) he made me breakfast and I left pretty abruptly after that. I could'nt work out if he wanted me to stay or not so I got my clothes and left! Then I messaged him that evening, just a good night message.. and he replied bk instantly asking if I was ok as I left so suddenly after breakfast. So I saw that as a good sign, so asked if he fancied going to the cinema or something later that week. He responded with,sounds good but can we wing it a bit as work is manic at the mo. I didnt think too much about it. Anyway it ended 4 days later. I instigated messages to him, nothing big - he responded but wasnt overly friendly. So I confronted him saying sometimes he showed interest other times he didnt. That we could leave it here, or we just carry on as normal and cut the weird stuff, start having fun etc. He said he wanted to carry on seeing me but said he was worried about me jumping in and me jumping out, him investing and me running all this weird stuff. He knows I have my kwn commitment issues. So I naturally started reassuring him, saying that I saw long term potential in him, that I liked him a lot and wanted to spend more time with him. Then he disappeared... The evening I realised he was using my commitment issues to mask his own, he was using them as an excuse to leave. So the next day I sent him one last message saying he was the one witn commitment issues not me, to go away and deal with his own unavailability and if and when he was ready to come bk and I am still single we can then talk, I wished him all the best. He didnt respond but I dont care. I sent that message because I dont want him doing the typical CP thing of popping into my life when he is bored. My advice is he is already on the way out, its just a matter of time. CP find it hard to make decisons so a lot of the time they disappear or wait for you to do the leaving.
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 the signs are there that he is multi-dating or he at least has someone he is grooming to date, if it falls completely through he will suddenly be all in. I think the fact that he didn't delete his profile shows you his intent, his intent is that you 'will do for now' until he finds someone else... What a douche.... next him and no it isn't because you gave him sex, it is because he wants it from others as well....maybe not in the same week but he wants to have sex with someone else in the future. 1
soccerrprp Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This guy had red flags from the start. Oh, how we ignore such signals to our detriment... Yes, he could have committed to exclusivity to get into your pants. Happens daily. 2
CherryBlossom200 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Yeah I would agree with art critic defo. Especially if you saw him online again. You see the guy I was seeing I dont think was multi dating, my instinct was that he was just a weirdo ha! He was not the alpha male type, had a reclusive thing about him, just peculiar. I felt he was a loner. Dont know what I saw in him TBH ha.
Phantom888 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Let me guess...he's an older fellow. Somehow older bachelors always do this, especially men 35+ who have never been married. There were plenty of red flags on 1st date. This man is not available for a relationship. He just wants sex, and forget....he's probably been doing this all his life. IMHO, stop seeing him. He has no intention to be exclusive with you. He is feeding you a bunch of BS. 2
Author That_girl Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Yes he is older...35 exactly. I am in my late twenties. I had a feeling that he was only interested in me for sex...I tend to feel that way around most men, but he was just better at articulating all of the potential reasons why I could more than just a ****. I feel so low right now. He totally used me. He is still messaging me every day...telling me about how stressful work is etc. etc. I was supposed to invite him to my friend's place tomorrow, they wanted to meet him. But I don't feel like having them there. I don't even WANT to respond to his text at all. But I guess I shouldn't ignore him forever right? 1
FitChick Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Tell him you can't see him because you have too much stress in your life. Two can play that game! Don't say it's because of him. Say you will contact him when things settle down. Then don't. Be glad you only wasted a month. Next! 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Yes he is older...35 exactly. I am in my late twenties. I had a feeling that he was only interested in me for sex...I tend to feel that way around most men, but he was just better at articulating all of the potential reasons why I could more than just a ****. I feel so low right now. He totally used me. He is still messaging me every day...telling me about how stressful work is etc. etc. I was supposed to invite him to my friend's place tomorrow, they wanted to meet him. But I don't feel like having them there. I don't even WANT to respond to his text at all. But I guess I shouldn't ignore him forever right? He used you for sex. He pretended that he may want more than sex to get sex from you. He lied because he doesn't have integrity and he didn't want to admit that he just wanted sex incase you, like many women, weren't down for casual sex. WHO CARES ABOUT HIS STRESSFUL DAY AT WORK. Who cares about his texts. He didn't care about you. You should absolutely NOT continue texting him aside from to say " goodbye, I won't be texting you anymore because I'm not after casual sex. Please lose my number" 1
Karasmatic Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I remember the last guy I dated. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page before we slept together. All he did was lie and tell me what I wanted to hear. He mentions how he was not seeing anyone else. Yet I saw his dating profile was still active online and would not hear from him 2 weeks at a time. I have learnt the hard way, more then once, that when they are always to busy to see you, that is another red flag. Anyone who does that with me now more than once, gets the boot. Had enough. Called him out on his bull**** and dumped his ass. Just be careful. If his actions are not matching what he is saying. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 This guy had red flags from the start. Oh, how we ignore such signals to our detriment... Yes, he could have committed to exclusivity to get into your pants. Happens daily. This is exactly what happened! Unfortunately OLD seems to encourage multi-dating, GIGs and commitment phobia. Sure all of that was around before it, but it amplifies it b/c it makes it a million times easier to do all of the above. I had a similar situation a couple months back. I put I was looking for a relationship in my profile, he claimed (without me even bringing it up) he doesn't have sex outside of a relationship. Weekend 1 after 3 days together he proposed we take down our profiles. I said it's a bit soon. Weekend 2 we kiss and fool around and then I decide to take him up on his previous offer and he did a 180. The whole of weekend 2 (3 days spent again) he tried to sleep with me and grabbed condoms and all. He clearly told me all this exclusive talk on weekend1 to prep me so he could get me in the sack weekend 2 and then probably give me a spiel about how we "moved too fast" after "mission accomplished." When he didn't get what he wanted, that's when he told me about the other women pursuing him and how it was "too soon to explore just only me." But it wasn't too soon to do everything but 4th base . He was probably upset he didn't get to score. Actions and words MUST be congruent. It's a pity OP only saw him online AFTER she slept with him. Oh well, I hope an even better option comes her way next.
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 (edited) She and how many others is he texting because "he's very much interested?" Oh please! It's not bad advice on here, a lot of the responders are, (hold on to your seat for this) MALE!! Are they jaded too or do they know the game? No one goes out of there way to be exclusive with a woman he met on a dating site, only to STILL BE ACTIVE ON THAT SITE. It's common sense. And not only was he on the site, he changed "what he's looking for" AS WELL so that shows it was well thought out and blatant on his part. He has commitment phobia. He wanted a rolodex of backups incase he and the OP didn't work out. He could have very easily deactivated his account like a respectable person in a relationship would do. Anyone with half a brain knows that 99% of the people who put "looking for friends" on a dating site are implicitly stating FWBs is what they want or they don't want to look desperate but want something romantic. You don't need to purposely go on a "dating" site to find "friends" (who are coincidentally of the opposite sex). Would you approve of your significant other (current or hypothetical) making a profile on a dating site stating he/she is looking for "friends" after committing to you? I think not! The whole thing sounds shady. Edited January 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 When I have a boyfriend I totally go on dating sites to meet friends. 1
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