walking21 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just under a year. Prior to that we were very friends for about 4 years. I love her and think she is fantastic. However, before we got together I had applied for and got a residence visa for an overseas country. This visa is currently valid until July. If I activate the visa before July it is then valid for another 2 years. As my circumstances have changed I have no intention of moving there currently but as it was quite expensive and it is always good to have an option if things went wrong between me and my girlfriend or for some other reason. I think in some way this is related to the anxiety I suffer from and I am a deeply cautious type. It is almost I really want to activate this visa - almost because I expect something to go wrong irrespective of if it will. This week I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to New Zealand for a holiday - she said no. I said that I needed to go to activate the visa. After I had said this my girlfriend went off the handle (for want of a better phrase). She said that I always need to be sure and that by going to activate it to be sure it disrespects her and she can't cope with the fact I need to be sure. However, currently she is not communicating with me and I am not sure whether I am wrong in wanting to do what I want to do. I would be most interested in your views and how I can proceed from here Thanks
Author walking21 Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 just to add she said "We are over as far as she is concerned". To me this seems like an over reaction.
HokeyReligions Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Wait a minute. SHE can't cope with the fact that YOU need to be sure?! I think your instincts are spot on. Activate your Visa. You have every right to be as sure as you possibly can. You both need to understand that people reach different points in a relationship at different times. Just because she's sure now doesn't mean you wont be sure later. Too bad she didn't go to ND with you. I hear its beautiful and you could have shared a wonderful trip together and possibly strengthened your relationship. Hopefully this is just a hiccup and you two can work thru each of your insecurities in a mature and nurturing manner. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 just to add she said "We are over as far as she is concerned". To me this seems like an over reaction. It is an over-reaction. In some ways, I can see why she's upset as she's assuming this means you don't see a future with her. However, she is interpreting this far differently than you intended. Activate it. You won't regret it. But you may very well regret not doing it. Out of curiosity, why did she say no to a trip?
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 You meeting your need for certainty is reasonable and valid. Also, it would be rather short-sighted, unwise to NOT activate that visa...most people I know would kill to have such an option, opportunity. You may wish to Google 'tony robbins six basic human needs' before you try speaking with your g/f again. Usually in positive, supportive relationships each will do their best to understand and support how the other prioritizes their needs, and help them fulfill those needs...rather than become selfish and act out the way your g/f has. The needs are: certainty, variety, significance, love & connection, growth, contribution. Now let's say your g/f presently puts a higher priority on variety...she can experience that during the vacation to NZ while at the same time you are meeting your 'certainty' need. And you can both use the same vacation to fill-up on meeting needs for love, connection, growth and feeling significant for and with each other. If she will not listen to you, or continues to try to bully you through silence, pouting, lacking understanding or empathy, accusing you of being disrespectful...then maybe it's as good a time as any to acknowledge to yourself this side of her and decide if or not those are qualities you want for your long-term lovemate. I don't agree with everything TR has to say, but the six needs are a handy tool to help with understanding the other's motivations and drivers. Enjoy you NZ vacation!
Author walking21 Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Out of curiosity, why did she say no to a trip? @ExpatInItaly, her reasons were that she would like to go in the southern hemisphere summer not winter. No other reason than that.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 @ExpatInItaly, her reasons were that she would like to go in the southern hemisphere summer not winter. No other reason than that. So, what have you decided to do? Is she still angry with you?
GemmaUK Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 So you have a NZ visa and you want to go over there- so exploring an entire new life while you two are together just in case choosing to be with her doesn't work out? Am I reading this right? If that is the case and if I were her then I would say hell yeah just go! I wouldn't want you to come back to me though if things didn't work out for you over there. 1
Author walking21 Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) @GemmaUK, My intention is literally just to have the visa stamped to extend for another 2 years (pretty much that is all I would do) and then come back straight away . No looking into a new life etc. From my point of view I am seeing it as an unwise decision not to extend it as you never know what might happen and I think I always foresee failure in everything. I'm not sure if this is because in some way I am uncertain about the relationship or if to a certain extent it has some basis in my character / self confidence. However, from her point of view I can see that she sees it as me always needing to have a "backup plan". I can appreciate and accept this point of view. What I am uncertain of is whether the need to go is my character or whether I don't see us having a future together or as someone else has said is both of us floundering on our insecurities. Edited January 26, 2014 by walking21
TXGuy Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 You made no mistake. It is not you that needs to make amends. Activate that visa. Her recent immature blow-up is a good example of why you need to have that option open. Look, you might not be together today, but she expects you to close your option to move for the next two years. You did nothing wrong. Don't apologize. Take a solo vacation to Australia to activate the visa.
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