I'm questioning my sanity I think I did the right thing but im not sure.

[Greenj30]

So two weeks ago I initiated hard NC meaning I told my Ex GF to delete my number(Which i doubt she did) and I returned her things including gifts that she bought me. But here's the twist she has been diagnosed with BPD(Which she didn't tell me but her dad mentioned it and it was actually written all over our relationship) which is essentially Egocentricism+Stunted Emotional Maturity. But during the break up she pretty much asked me to wait for her sayong we xould get back together but it may take two years. I didn't understand why because her reasoning wasn't clear but upon doing further research thats how long the treatment process takes (I helped her get back into therapy so I know shes going) for BPD so did I do the right thing? Also the reason im questioning my sanity is because im not sure if I love her because I love her or because of some cycle im trapped in due to her emotional volatility. Also I would take her back if she wanted a sexond chance because she is seeking help earnestly.

 

But yeah advice would be appreciated I feel like I made the wrong move.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Greenj30

[d0nnivain]

You are having a form of buyers' remorse because the reality of how different things are now that you are no longer part of a couple is sinking in.

 

 

With her new diagnosis she needs time to heal too.

 

 

If you had valid reasons to end your relationship, they still exist.

[Greenj30]

So you are saying I should stay no contact? No apology or anything? I feel kind of guilty because she has a hard time mainting any sort of relationship and I was someone she could trust and I just feel bad.

[d0nnivain]

If you don't need to heal from the break up & your presence in her life isn't giving her false hope that you will get back together you can talk as much as you like.

[Greenj30]

Well she broke up with me! I do need to heal her thoughts were if we didn't stay in communication we wouldn't have a good chance but my question is do you think I took it to far? Also thanks for the replies btw.

[Purepony]

If she broke up with u its her choice, let it go and seek nc to heal. Dont waste ur life waiting

[Greenj30]

I guess the underlyimg question is does this diagnosis change the way I should proceed. NC has been implemented. I am moving along slowly. I also read that the stages for the dumpee in this type of break up are different

 

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

[carl777]

Having gone through this (everything you shouldn't do, I did it), I can tell you that this diagnosis changes nothing even though you want to "help" her.

 

NC is the way to go (the only way in this case).

[Greenj30]

Thank you for the reply Carl do you mind telling me more about your story?

[rosedl]

If she is just diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, she will have a lot of work to do to be able to be in any relationship.

 

I have borderline tendencies, if not full blowed BPD, and I had to participate in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (dbt) for a year plus do a lot of work in mindfulness to even begin to have the insight and strength to not let BPD rule my relationships.

 

BPD suffer severe fear of abandonment and they also tend to form their identities around relationships. It absolutely can be treated, but someone just beginning the process of dealing with it, they are in no place to be able to function in a healthy relationship.

 

Believe me, it is a blessing in disguise to be out of the relationship. She needs time to heal and working on the issues and behaviors that she will have to face will be hard enough alone, let alone with the triggers of a relationship to face.

[Greenj30]

If she is just diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, she will have a lot of work to do to be able to be in any relationship.

 

I have borderline tendencies, if not full blowed BPD, and I had to participate in Dialectal Behavior Therapy (dbt) for a year plus do a lot of work in mindfulness to even begin to have the insight and strength to not let BPD rule my relationships.

 

BPD suffer severe fear of abandonment and they also tend to form their identities around relationships. It absolutely can be treated, but someone just beginning the process of dealing with it, they are in no place to be able to function in a healthy relationship.

 

Believe me, it is a blessing in disguise to be out of the relationship. She needs time to heal and working on the issues and behaviors that she will have to face will be hard enough alone, let alone with the triggers of a relationship to face.

 

 

Firstly thank you for the reply and her fear of abandonment is one of the core reasons for me posting this thread. Thats why I wasnt sure if initiating NC the way I did was the correct way to do it. Carl777 said NC was still the way to go would you agree?

[pickflicker]

I guess the underlyimg question is does this diagnosis change the way I should proceed. NC has been implemented. I am moving along slowly. I also read that the stages for the dumpee in this type of break up are different

 

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

 

A break up is a break up. No, it does not change the way you should proceed. You go NC, you stay NC. Wait 2 years for someone? Absolutely not!

[Volthi10]

So two weeks ago I initiated hard NC meaning I told my Ex GF to delete my number(Which i doubt she did) and I returned her things including gifts that she bought me. But here's the twist she has been diagnosed with BPD(Which she didn't tell me but her dad mentioned it and it was actually written all over our relationship) which is essentially Egocentricism+Stunted Emotional Maturity. But during the break up she pretty much asked me to wait for her sayong we xould get back together but it may take two years. I didn't understand why because her reasoning wasn't clear but upon doing further research thats how long the treatment process takes (I helped her get back into therapy so I know shes going) for BPD so did I do the right thing? Also the reason im questioning my sanity is because im not sure if I love her because I love her or because of some cycle im trapped in due to her emotional volatility. Also I would take her back if she wanted a sexond chance because she is seeking help earnestly.

 

But yeah advice would be appreciated I feel like I made the wrong move.

 

You are sounding like my ex, he would claim he only stayed in contact with his ex fiance because she was suicidal and he felt responsible for her. dont do this to yourself, really think about all the reasons you guys broke up and clarify if you love her. If you do be there for her, she may be pushing you away because she doesn't want to see you through everything shes going through, but if not then its best for both to part ways.

[rosedl]

Firstly thank you for the reply and her fear of abandonment is one of the core reasons for me posting this thread. Thats why I wasnt sure if initiating NC the way I did was the correct way to do it. Carl777 said NC was still the way to go would you agree?

 

I read you original post and if you are caught in a emotional cycle with her, she is not the only one struggling with issues. It takes two.

 

If you were to reengage, you would have to be willing to go to couple's therapy to understand your cycle and the dynamic that is driving your relationship. She most likely isn't in a place to do this work though if she is just confronting her BPD for the first time. It takes practice, skill, and a lot of emotional work to be able to sit with the triggers that relationships bring to someone with BPD and actively come to the relationship from a different place. It was an issue in my last relationship but in fairness to me, it would have been trying for a woman even without these issues (he was involved in a prolonged divorce, traveled extensively for work and pleasure, and constantly was questioning his choice of being in a relationship with me or any relationship at all....it would be enough to give someone BPD). I am pretty strong but it was too triggering and he had no patience at all for my struggles with it. No compassion whatsover.

 

I would advise you read up on BPD and co-dependency before you go any further. She may be getting help but until someone with these issues can actively take responsibility for their actions and see how they adversely effect the relationship, they can't be a full partner in the relationship. You need to understand if you reengage, you are going to be moving back when she is going through the emotional work of healing and she may actually become more emotional and unstable for a bit as she moves through this process as she does the difficult work. My ex had zero patience for it and I was near an angel with finding supports outside of our relationship and owning any behavior that was not appropriate or unfair. Be sure you have the capacity for compassion and tolerance necessary to move through this with her. My ex broke up with me when I was struggling with some serious PTSD work which I am very proud to have worked through (I didn't put it on him, though I was becoming more easily triggered). The last thing I needed when I was facing some of the ugliest stuff was to have someone leave me and trigger my abandonment issues all over again. I was doing the work he said he admired but couldn't offer any support. Be sure it is something that you can handle and stay with...she needs support and compassion and if that is too much with your history, best to not reengage, at least for a good long while into her treatment

 

Good luck

[Downtown]

She pretty much asked me to wait for her ...two years....thats how long the treatment process takes.

No, Green, you don't know that. Indeed, you don't know she will improve at all. The vast majority of BPDer don't have the self awareness to know they need therapy. Even when they do -- as apparently is the case with your Ex -- they are not home free. They also must have the ego strength to be willing to work very hard in the treatment program. Otherwise they will just play mind games with the therapist.

 

I spent a small fortune taking my BPDer exW to weekly visits with six different psychologists (and 3 MCs) for 15 years -- all to no avail. It did not make even a dent in her BPD traits because, although she had an awareness that she had some sort of problem, she was unwilling to do the hard work necessary to retrain her mind.

 

I therefore encourage you NOT to go down the path I took. You will find that it is very difficult to determine whether a BPDer is making any real improvements. In the same way that addicted smokers are always "quitting" every month, a BPDer typically exhibits dramatic improvements in her behavior every few weeks. Instead of seeing real progress, however, what you typically are seeing is the upside of another hill in the unending roller coaster ride. If you would like to read about my experiences, Green, please see my posts in Rebel's threat starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

[Greenj30]

No, Green, you don't know that. Indeed, you don't know she will improve at all. The vast majority of BPDer don't have the self awareness to know they need therapy. Even when they do -- as apparently is the case with your Ex -- they are not home free. They also must have the ego strength to be willing to work very hard in the treatment program. Otherwise they will just play mind games with the therapist.

 

I spent a small fortune taking my BPDer exW to weekly visits with six different psychologists (and 3 MCs) for 15 years -- all to no avail. It did not make even a dent in her BPD traits because, although she had an awareness that she had some sort of problem, she was unwilling to do the hard work necessary to retrain her mind.

 

I therefore encourage you NOT to go down the path I took. You will find that it is very difficult to determine whether a BPDer is making any real improvements. In the same way that addicted smokers are always "quitting" every month, a BPDer typically exhibits dramatic improvements in her behavior every few weeks. Instead of seeing real progress, however, what you typically are seeing is the upside of another hill in the unending roller coaster ride. If you would like to read about my experiences, Green, please see my posts in Rebel's threat starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

 

Wow I appreciate all the replies! But she also said with, work on herself she could love me gently and right becaise we had gotten to the hate stage where everything I said annoyed her for no reason and she said she was 'rageful' on the inside. I actually got her to go back into therapy by being humble to her request to go myself "because I don't know how to maintain or have real relationships" lol I honestly believe that was a projection on me by her. Looking back with the knowledge I have now. I am actually considering going back to therapy for real reasons now im definitely not the same person I was at the beginning of the relationship and beforehand. I wish I would have listend to her dad when he said she didn't treat me right. I was blind but now I see more clearly. She alternates between a queen and a waif ita crazy how clear this is to me. But I think with time apart and hardwork on her part and growth on mine we could make it work but space is needed especially for me. But I do appreciate all the replies!

Edited January 26, 2014 by Greenj30