Mnda0616 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I have only posted on other time on this forum a few months ago when my husband first left me for the women he had an affair with. We have been married for 7 years. I had and still have so much love for him but question if I am still in love with him. Me and him have had a lot of issues in the past with trust and communication and is probably the reason for the affair. We have two children together which have made things much more complicated throughout everything that has happened. Well since my last post he tried to come back to me saying he loved me and didn’t want to be with her and that he made a huge mistake. I turned him away saying that I needed more time to heal from what he did to me emotionally. Shortly after that happened he found out the women he had an affair with is pregnant with his child and not knowing what to do he made a choice to hide it from me initially and be with her. Once I found out they were back together and she was pregnant I was so hurt that he couldn’t be honest with what happened. He told me he didn’t know what to do and if I didn’t want him he would try to make it work with her even though he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said he would never love her the way he loves me. Now he has got to the point where he is still fighting for my love but doesn’t want to end things with her until he knows whether or not I can be with him. I honestly am so conflicted between the love I still have for him and still battling with all the pain he has caused me. I feel like a fool at times for even considering believing he wants to be with me and that he can be honest again. I really don’t know if I can even cope with the idea of having a love child in my life for the next 18 years. I feel like I need more time to cope with everything that has happened and to find myself but when he professes his love to me daily I want to believe that he has changed and can be the better person I have always wanted him to be. But then I think if he is still with this girl then how can he truly love me still? I am just so confused in this whole situation and it all seems so surreal to me. I thought this kind of thing only happened in movies and at the very least that it would never happen to me. The saying that you never know how you will handle something until you experience it yourself is so true. I feel like my mind and heart are in a constant battle that will never end.
jphcbpa Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Now he has got to the point where he is still fighting for my love but doesn’t want to end things with her until he knows whether or not I can be with him. hummmm, sounds like he is still on the fence to me and very conditional. I would not think it is worth it and he is full of BS. 8
xUnknown Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I feel like I need more time to cope with everything that has happened Then that is what you do. You take this time for you. To heal (in whatever way that means). Nobody knows you, him, the relationship, your children...like you do. So, make whatever decision it is - because you know that is what you want to do. You're conflicted right now, which means you aren't ready to get back with him. My opinion is move on, he screwed up big time, now, he doesn't want to leave the other girl unless he has you. She is his safety net - she's getting screwed here too (no pun intended). But, the heart wants what the heart wants. Your heart wants him, but your brain says no...Then, the roles reverse when you remember what had happened. Take the time you NEED to focus on what you want. Then, go from there. Don't force it. Don't think you need to make any quick decisions, because you don't. Time is on your side. You have the decisions to make. Take your time making them.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I don't think he's on the fence or still confused about what he wants. He's just being cautious. e doesn't want to leave a sure thing for you when you are not sure if you will take him back and your position is completely understandable. Also, he has a sense of responsibility as well for this new child and although he now realizes it was the biggest mistake of his life, the child is innocent in all of this and if his original wife will not take him back he prefers to not hurt this OW and the baby. He did hurt you and your children, but he was in the fog and now that it's all clear he realizes what an a he was. But I think most people in such a circumstance would do the same thing. If there was no child involved then it would be a different situation. He should just leave her as a demonstration of his love and devotion for you, but there's a baby involved. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 My suggestion...If he wants to be with you, he leaves the OW and gets his own apartment. You take your time; consider it as dating him. If you just ran into this man, would you date him? He needs to rebuild trust with you. He doesn't just get to hop from her bed to yours. Is she the backup plan or are you the backup plan? How about the idea that he doesn't get to have a backup plan? If he wants you, he leaves her first and then does the hard work to earn his way back into the home. You also need to decide what you can handle when it comes to supporting the OC (other child). Will it just be financial or will he be involved in the child's life? If he is involved, he'll have routine contact with the OW. Will you ever really trust him around her? 8
Iguanna Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 He was the one who destroyed your marriage so he can't have the demand to push you to decide whether you will take him back or not. He has to show with actions that he has regretted having an affair and you are the only one he loves, and in the contrary what he does is being with his OW and pressing you to take him back, or else he'll stay with her! That's some nerve he got now, isn't it? I'd suggest you tell him that you are the one who makes the demands after the mistakes he has done. Tell him that if he doesn't break up with her for a reasonable amount of time and show you he truly means what he says, you will not even consider taking him back. He has to show repent for his actions. If he still insists on staying with her, then you should let him go. Keep a friendly relationship between him and your kids and go on with your life. 4
harrybrown Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I am sorry you are going thru this. So you do not even get the NC with the OW if he comes back. I think the wounds would never heal. The OW will be in your life for the next 18 years. Read again about the 180. It can be a help to you. Your H can't be a help to you at this time. He really messed things up. I do agree with the advice you have received. He has to be on his own and try to show you how much he wants you in his life. He does not jump from her bed to yours. Has he been tested for stds? You might want to get tested. I hope you do something good for yourself soon. 4
experiencethedevine Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 In my head I am telling you to tell him to 'eff off' and get on with the mess he made, but life is never as simple as we would like it to be is it? His sitting on the fence if he REALLY wants you to work with him in recovery is not helping his position. regarding the baby, he must accept responsibility for his (ahem) forgetfulness in using protection, and now has to pay the price. Involvement with the child (if you do reconcile) should be carefully navigated and negotiated according to your requirements. I'm sure as you have children too you would not want this little one to suffer unnecessarily. Your husband must be made to grow up and take responsibility for his actions before you even consider renewing any relationship with him quite honestly. I can smell his immaturity from here. You are worthy of more respect than you are getting my dear, and I would tentatively suggest you tell your husband so. 2
Author Mnda0616 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Yes he has offered to go to marriage counseling give me his phone at any time as do anything he has to so that I can earn his trust back which makes me think maybe he really means it this time but I still question it, but I do love him we have so much together but I don't know how to get over this pain and hurt. 1
Author Mnda0616 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Thank you everyone for the advice, this really does help. It confirms everything that I have been feeling and telling him. I have been saying he needs to prove he loves me and wants me back this time through his actions. If in time he shows me he is a changed person and fights for my love then only at that time will I even consider taking him back. I think I could cope with having this child in my life cuz it's not the kids fault and mistakes do happen but I can't cope with being lied to and hurt all over again. I have to protect my heart this time and know he can be a better person before opening that door again...
BetrayedH Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Thank you everyone for the advice, this really does help. It confirms everything that I have been feeling and telling him. I have been saying he needs to prove he loves me and wants me back this time through his actions. If in time he shows me he is a changed person and fights for my love then only at that time will I even consider taking him back. I think I could cope with having this child in my life cuz it's not the kids fault and mistakes do happen but I can't cope with being lied to and hurt all over again. I have to protect my heart this time and know he can be a better person before opening that door again... What about your husband's interactions with the other woman? If they have a child together (and he does more than just provide child support), they'll end up spending time together (pick ups/drop offs, doctor appointments, parent/teacher conferences, and so forth). Are you ok with him entering her home? How chummy can they get with each other? It's normal for a betrayed spouse to require "no contact" with the affair partner - for life. And then you trust but verify that NC remains in effect. For you, that just ain't gonna happen. I realize you wouldn't punish the innocent child but there's much more to it than her just dropping the child off and leaving. 1
peaksandvalleys Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Thank you everyone for the advice, this really does help. It confirms everything that I have been feeling and telling him. I have been saying he needs to prove he loves me and wants me back this time through his actions. If in time he shows me he is a changed person and fights for my love then only at that time will I even consider taking him back. I think I could cope with having this child in my life cuz it's not the kids fault and mistakes do happen but I can't cope with being lied to and hurt all over again. I have to protect my heart this time and know he can be a better person before opening that door again... You shouldn't have to wonder if he loves you. If he felt as if his choices were wrong and he needed to be with you he would be. I think the same is true if a man wants to be with the OW. There is no need to rest above a safety net with you(or her) as the net. He is broken and looking for someone to hold his hand while he messes up how many lives? He needs to make a choice without you compromising your sanity, emotional health or being a third wheel in his current relationship. 1
Fluttershy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 My Concern in this would be the continued contact. I would in no way have wanted my husband to abandon a "love child". I find men and women who abandon children not the sort of people I wish to be close to. So even if you have no problem with te child being a constant reminder... As people have pointed out... What about the xOW being there. And here is the biggest provlem I see. It seems like your husband wants what he can't have... First the ow, then you, but id you got back together and he kept seeing thr Ow who he can't have... I am sorry you got thrown into such a messy situation... I am sorry for all the dear children involved.
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Your husband is a piece of sh*t. You are right to be suspicious of him. Having unprotected sex with another woman while still married to you. What a class act. You should kick him to the curb and tell him to get the heck of your life. You don't deserve any of this, let him sort out the mess that he created.
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