TheBlingRing14 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Just curious for anyone that has done the online dating thing or even better the long-distance online dating thing. This is not in reference to one specific situation, but just...kind of something I've been mulling over. I am not so naive as to believe LDRs don't work or that OLD doesn't work or that the combination doesn't work. I know it does, because I've seen it. I have several friends that have met boyfriends, whether current or former online. I ever know a few people, one of which one of my best friends growing up, who ended up marrying a long-distance online romance. One of my close friends is headed that direction now. In the LD-OLD situations, they all sort of went into it with some expectations, in the sense that they wouldn't put forth so much effort if they thought it could be nothing. And, that's the thing. I hear and am told so much, "You don't really know someone till you meet them." "You can't be serious about someone you've never met." and things like that. But, I've seen that it does happen, and sometimes, it even works out. For me, with a LD-OLD, you have to realize there is a time commitment to meeting. There is a financial commitment. There could be flights and hotels involved. That's just not something I would do with someone I am just lukewarm about meeting, does that make sense? I mean, if you are meeting someone 10 minutes away, it's no big deal to go, meet for coffee, and if it works out, it works out, and if not, not. I just feel weird investing so much into meeting someone where my attitude is "Eh, we'll see." I would have to really care about him and really want to meet him and be really excited. But, there is the line. You don't want to get hopes up. You don't want to go in with expectations. But, you do kind of have to have some higher level of expectations in order to be doing something with so much planning and time involved and everything. Does that make sense at all? Thoughts? Experiences?
EveryRoseHasItsThorn Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 A lot of people already have their own opinion about it. About the LDR dating part. That you really need to know that person, and meet them irl to be sure. Ofcourse there's some truth in there. I'm in a LDR myself, and we are together for almost a year now. And I only told a few friends about it. And some of them told me the same. ''How can you be in love with someone, you don't even know?'' I haven't met him yet, due to circumstances. We are serious about each other, but we're not talking about meeting up that much, not yet. ''We'll just see where it goes''... And that's fine for now. At the moment I feel happy, he does too, and we're fine with that. And yeah, you don't want to get your hopes up, and let them be crushed later.. I'm still discovering things about him, and I'm fine with how the situation is for now. So yes, it makes sense.
The Thinker Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 A lot of people say you can't really know a person until you meet them IRL, and to some extent that's true - but for some it's easier to get to know a person through the internet, and then let that translate into a relationship when they do meet IRL. I guess it depends on the person and their beliefs - for some and OLR can work, for others it can't.
justwhoiam Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 you do kind of have to have some higher level of expectations in order to be doing something with so much planning and time involved and everything. Does that make sense at all? Thoughts? Experiences? I guess if you meet someone living near you from an online dating site, you meet after a week or so. If you are LD, there are objective reasons that make you wait before you can meet. And that can also mean 6 months or a year. In that long time span, you might chat every day for hours, and that gives you the chance to know the person well before the first meeting in person. So, if you meet after a week, you can select people based on chemistry and looks more than personality. But the risk is when you meet, even after all that time spent together, there's a 50% chance you won't click with the other person. So expectations shouldn't be too high anyway. For the remaining 50% that clicks, there's an even smaller chance that it can work, short or long-term. So, knowing all the above, should you invest in someone LD emotionally? Well, emotions make you feel alive, so I guess that - as long as you do your homework (that is you don't buy every fool's tale) - it's fine. It's still experience you gain in life. You can learn about a different culture, a different country, a different language, a different religion, first hand, not by reading a book. Even if it doesn't work in the end. If you love and you're loved back, it's never a waste of time, whatever the outcome. Some LD couples do live in the same country, but maybe come from different backgrounds. You're still enriching your life. And financially? If you are concerned about money, relationships are usually a bad idea. More so if they are LD. You need to take planes, trains, maybe buy currency and/or stay in hotels.
CA2TN4Love Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I totally understand when people feel that they have fallen in love with someone online. There is some safety in anonymity. People will tend to disclose some of their deepest secrets and desires when they feel comfortable with someone behind a screen; however, when you add in habits, and smells, nuances and looks, things may not meet your expectations. The danger is in creating unrealistic expectations of your online LDR partner. I advocate keeping one foot firmly planted in reality when dealing with online romance. No matter how wonderful that person on the other side of the screen can seem, you never know if they pick their nose at the dinner table, brush their teeth each morning (or even shower!), or whether or not there will be a physical spark that makes your heart skip a beat. And let's not forget the poor souls that get snagged in the net of someone who is nothing at all as they portrayed themselves. So, ultimately, it's unrealistic to assume that people do not have expectations in an online romance; however, as long as they have realistic expectations before the meetup and are open to the fact that their online LDR partner may just end up a great friend, they'll be fine. 1
FitChick Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 You can meet someone locally and quickly have chemistry but find out after a few weeks or even months that you are too different and then break up. There are no guarantees either way. You have to be very intuitive, in my opinion, and be grounded. No hoping or fantasizing. 1
FitChick Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 And financially? If you are concerned about money, relationships are usually a bad idea. More so if they are LD. You need to take planes, trains, maybe buy currency and/or stay in hotels. Young people seem to think you can manage on love alone and forget the practicalities. At least one person needs to have some money, either to do all the travelling or to help pay for the other person's travel. If you are both poor, the odds are against you. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 But, there is the line. You don't want to get hopes up. You don't want to go in with expectations. But, you do kind of have to have some higher level of expectations in order to be doing something with so much planning and time involved and everything. Does that make sense at all? Thoughts? Experiences? You sound practical so I think the chances for you are good. It can work, just like relationships that start in real life if two people are completely honest and realistic about things. I've only had two online romantic attempts in my life after speaking for prolonged periods of time. #1 was my first love and that was a success. This was 10yrs ago when it was taboo and I was a teen. We cammed all the time, he only lived 45min away but I didn't have my license or a car and I wasn't sure if I was allowed to date so it was undercover initially. I also thought it was absurd to meet a complete stranger that could kill you online so I didn't take him seriously at first LOL. So I gathered my two cousins in my age group and we met up with him during out homecoming night after 6 months of talking. He fell for me before we even met and said I love you waaayy before me. He taught me how to love and many other things. It was a great experience that lasted a few years. To date, he's the only man I've ever truly loved. I believe my husband will be the next and last that I love even more deeply. The second more recently that I met on a dating site was full of shet and excuses LOL. He lived in Europe, me in the US but said he'd be in my city within a few months (oh please). I don't think he was an honest person but maybe I'll never truly know. I was always against LDR personally because I know myself. I don't have time for it especially when there's no real world interaction. The only exception I think I'd make is if someone temporarily lives somewhere else but will be where I am very shortly. Right as Mr. Euro and I was supposed to meet he had some bs story. I never put my all into it b/c it was hard for me to be fully invested in a man (as amazing as he made himself out to be) without meeting first. I really liked him, yea, but not love and I eventually started to date locally when our meet up date kept getting pushed back and the excuses came in like a flood. I couldn't see myself putting my love life on hold for someone that I might not really like 100% in person romantically. But that's just me! If we like each other we will make it happen in a feasible time frame. And btw the situations you've seen "work out" are the exception and NOT the RULE. I wouldn't try to piggyback off of a minority's success thinking that's the benchmark or anything...for every one of their stories there are hundreds that went in the other direction...just sum'n to think about
justwhoiam Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Young people seem to think you can manage on love alone and forget the practicalities. I agree with that. I'm reading so many threads in here lately about how two people can go on 3, 4, 5+ years without ever meeting and call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend... Then a cold shower suddenly breaks their heart, because they can't understand how and why their bf or gf found someone else when he/she was so in love! And it becomes awful cheating... Well, that's the virtual world turned bad. At least one person needs to have some money, either to do all the travelling or to help pay for the other person's travel. If you are both poor, the odds are against you. I'm not sure about the definition of "poor", and probably with little money odds are against a couple separated by an ocean... But I think that when you really want something, the lack of money won't stop you. It can make you postpone a trip, but not renounce it
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