Do your "deal breakers" change as your relationship progresses?

[mammasita]

Just something I was thinking about......

 

We all have deal breakers when we first meet someone. What are some of your deal breakers once you get to know your SO more? 6 months in, a year in? Obviously cheating & abuse.....

 

Do you have any others?

[Philosoraptor]

I think the more invested you are the more tolerant you get.

 

Have to be able to distinguish between tolerance and codependency though. There is a big difference between accepting that the clothes may never make it into the hamper and allowing someone to hit you but thinking you can fix it because your love is strong enough.

 

Personally I just trust myself to make the best decision for me. I try not to have a big list of deal breakers and instead choose to believe that in every moment I will make the best decision for my future. It's worked out thus far.

[MissBee]

Just something I was thinking about......

 

We all have deal breakers when we first meet someone. What are some of your deal breakers once you get to know your SO more? 6 months in, a year in? Obviously cheating & abuse.....

 

Do you have any others?

 

My deal breakers are independent of how long I know someone.

 

I have my deal breakers and absolute NOs and they don't really change, it just happens that maybe at 1 month in I haven't known you well enough to realize you exhibit certain deal breakers. But usually they aren't anything new, just an existing deal breaker that I didn't see before.

 

Annoying quirks for example, leaving socks on the floor, are not deal breakers, everyone has annoying habits and those things can be worked out IMO. My deal breakers are about fundamental things dealing with worldview, lifestyle, attitude, mental health, spending habits and larger things like that and they are pretty firm and every man gets judged against them and it usually is very obvious early on if you engage in things or believe in ways that are an "absolute NO" for me. These are the things that if we do not agree on we have no future. My deal breakers are deal breakers because they are non-negotiable, if they are negotiable they aren't deal breakers in the true sense of what a deal breaker is for me anyway, but a "point of friction from where we can probably come to a compromise."

Edited January 24, 2014 by MissBee

[rosedl]

Deal breakers:

 

Emotional attachment issues, commitment fears, infidelity, betrayal, dishonesty, manipulation, refusal to take responsibility for their own behavior (coupled with blaming me for that behavior....you made me do it is the entry point for an abuser). Unresolved addiction issues. Lack of compassion for other people. Inability to maintain sexual intimacy.

 

I don't expect perfection. I have a lot of patience, I think we all have are demons and dark corners and if someone has the courage to come to table with honesty and own them, I have respect. I can forgive. The problem with I have often overlooked things that shouldn't be forgiven or at least given me real cause to step back.

 

I think it is better to get to know someone before you dive headlong into a relationship but even that is no gurantee of what they will reveal as the relationship progresses.

 

I believe relationships are our teachers and we are partners often mirror parts of ourselves we would rather not see. Instead of staying and owning and doing that work, people leave relationships in endless seeking of the fairytale.

[Silly_Girl]

I think the more invested you are the more tolerant you get.

 

My gut instinct when I read this was to disagree. But I've been thinking about it. I think it may well be true. The longer I am with my husband the more I appreciate and love him. He's so much more than I could ever have realised when we met.

 

So, although it goes against my instincts, I suspect that if he did something significant in the future that needed addressing, I think taking in to account the whole picture, plus our home we're both working hard on, the baby due this year etc, I think it's inevitable I would exercise more tolerance than I would have done when we first were just living together. To say different would just be idealistic.

[salparadise]

My gut instinct when I read this was to disagree. But I've been thinking about it. I think it may well be true. The longer I am with my husband the more I appreciate and love him. He's so much more than I could ever have realised when we met.

 

So, although it goes against my instincts, I suspect that if he did something significant in the future that needed addressing, I think taking in to account the whole picture, plus our home we're both working hard on, the baby due this year etc, I think it's inevitable I would exercise more tolerance than I would have done when we first were just living together. To say different would just be idealistic.

 

The view changes depending on the season and where you're standing. In a sense, everything is relative. With a husband and a baby on the way, it would take more than a handful of annoyances to make you leave. In the first month of dating someone new a similar handful of annoyances would cause you to lose interest immediately. But you're through that stage so it's no longer relevant––to you.

 

Things change over the decades of living as well. You don't wake up one morning and say, hey, I think I'll change my deal breakers today. You wake up one morning and realize they changed some time ago... and you missed the notification.

[MissBee]

My gut instinct when I read this was to disagree. But I've been thinking about it. I think it may well be true. The longer I am with my husband the more I appreciate and love him. He's so much more than I could ever have realised when we met.

 

So, although it goes against my instincts, I suspect that if he did something significant in the future that needed addressing, I think taking in to account the whole picture, plus our home we're both working hard on, the baby due this year etc, I think it's inevitable I would exercise more tolerance than I would have done when we first were just living together. To say different would just be idealistic.

 

This response is particularly relevant in the case of something like an affair for me.

 

I've always felt like cheating is a deal breaker, but especially before we're married. If we're just dating, have no kids together, lead pretty separate lives etc. I most likely will end the relationship and won't increase the commitment if cheating occurs. Whereas with someone I'm married to and especially if the cheating has happened after years of an otherwise good relationship, I could see myself being more willing to work on it and through it than in a dating relationship where it would pretty much be the end of the story for me.