nadinefleur Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I started dating a guy back in October, he was really sweet, lovely and a true gentleman.. which is pretty rare to find these days. On our first few dates he paid for everything, didn't let me, we had great conversation, had many common interests.. and he waited until the third date to kiss me. We both went away for a few weeks over the holidays to visit our families, and he said he wanted to see me when we returned. When we were away he was in constant communication. Asking me what I was up to, messaging me continuously every day, sending me photos.. having a laugh. When we returned in the new year he asked me out again, and we had a wonderful few dates. We have had sex which was amazing, I felt very comfortable with him and felt we were closer and really connected. Now, I must add that he is pretty shy... when he first kissed me I could tell he was very nervous. And he hasn't once told me that he likes me (although I could tell from constant contact, the way he was so affectionate with me, and the way he treated me that he was very into me). Also he hasn't told me what he thinks of me or us, ie.. hasn't told me if I'm beautiful, funny, sweet... or told me if he's happy or what. Before we had sex I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said no he wasn't, and I believed him. However, now that we have had sex... he isn't making much effort anymore, not contacting me as much... and not even initiating dates! I initiated the last two. Now of course I take this to mean he has lost interest... After I last saw him, I didn't hear from him in 4 days when he finally text me asking how my weekend was. I was so disappointed! Usually when you first start dating someone, you are in the honeymoon period and you want to see them all the time and contact them all the time, and make plans... He hasn't been doing this. Now, I wasn't sure if he was playing games or not, but I decided that I'm too old for this.. I've been in relationships before where its all a guessing game and I can't be bothered with that anymore (we are both in our mid to late twenties) So I replied to him and told him that I was confused by his behaviour, that he was in constant contact with me before and now we've had sex I don't hear from him. I need to know where I stand with him and I told him I really liked him His reply was that he has been really busy with going out and work and that he was really sorry that I took it the wrong way. I couldn't believe he didn't acknowledge where I told him that I liked him, nor where I asked him where I stood with him. So I didn't reply, I didn't know what to say! Then later on in the day he messaged me again asking when he could see me again. I haven't replied, because I don't know if this is just casual sex for him, I don't know if he likes me or where I stand, I don't know if maybe he is really bad at expressing his emotions... I gave him a chance to tell me, and all he could do was explain his behaviour to me like a naughty boyfriend which isn't what I wanted! He knows I am ignoring him now.. What do you guys make of this?
mammasita Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It sounds like he's doing the "fade". I think everyone here will tell you that someone who is interested will make the effort to contact you regardless of their "busy schedule".....not to mention, you're absolutely right, he didn't acknowledge where you said you really liked him. I think he's playing games, being passive...i.e. you're an option at this point, not a priority. If his interest level were high, he would have asked what you were doing on <insert day here> instead of "when can I see you again". 3
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Yes sounds like he's doing the fade. As one last interest test you could tell him "I'm free Monday" and see if he makes any effort to find something fun and interesting to do. If he doesn't - or if he just wants another sex session - then it's probably time to move on.
Author nadinefleur Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 (edited) If he's doing the 'fade', why is he asking when he can see me again? Its so weird, also he knows I'm not the type to sleep around, so sleeping with him was a really big deal to me.. Could it be possible he was playing games, ie. not contacting to test me for my interest, and now that I called him out on it he didn't know what to say except say he was busy? Why could he not just tell me where I stood with him, ie. if he's not interested anymore, or if he's met somoene else? Also, was I wrong in calling him out on it? Urgh! I hate dating Edited January 24, 2014 by nadinefleur 1
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 If he's doing the 'fade', why is he asking when he can see me again? Token gesture, or just wants more sex. If he was genuinely interested in a relationship then I think he'd be putting a whole lot more effort in. I certainly would. Its so weird, also he knows I'm not the type to sleep around, so sleeping with him was a really big deal to me.. That doesn't mean it's a big deal for him. Could it be possible he was playing games, ie. not contacting to test me for my interest, and now that I called him out on it he didn't know what to say except say he was busy? If he is... do you really want a BF who plays stupid games and tests? Why could he not just tell me where I stood with him Well you don't need his words, his actions have told you quite clearly. Unfortunately you don't seem to be a priority for him.
soccerrprp Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 PegNosePete has it...but wanted to add a little more... "Why could he not just tell me where I stood with him?" Someone just looking for sex or uninterested couldn't care less about informing you where you stood. If I was a player, what would I care about letting you know? "If he's doing the fade, why is he asking when he can see me again?" He really doesn't care whether you do or not. Like PNP says, the bonus is if you do, that means more sex for him. If you don't, eh, so what. The sex wasn't a big deal for him. He got what he wanted and is now looking for more elsewhere.
halflight Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 If he's doing the 'fade', why is he asking when he can see me again? Because he doesn't want to lose you as an option for casual sex. He didn't set up a date, he took a passive route and wanted you to initiate the next date, basically putting you in the position of pursuing him. If he was afraid of losing you as a girlfriend, he'd be more frantic to clear up the misunderstanding and prove he's serious. You were saying that you don't sleep around, and having sex with him was a big deal. Well, some guys will see that as just a challenge. They won't respect you just because you move slow and are old fashioned. They'll wait around and lead you on to get what they want. Guys generally distance themselves after sex when they're not that interested. If he was this awesome guy before sex, none of that should have changed after. You weren't wrong to call him out on anything. You were absolutely correct in being up front and direct about how you feel. I think he was intentionally being vague with you because he wants to keep a casual thing going, and he's afraid that if you knew that you'd move on because he knows you want something more. He honestly doesn't sound like a good guy, and I think he lead you on. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't talk to him any more. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be. He's making his intentions clear.
Author nadinefleur Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 My friends say that guys tend to pull back after sex to see how a girl will react, ie. if she will react emotionally, etc.. and that they come back eventually if you give them space. So when he did text me 4 days later, I should have just reacted as if nothing had happened and not asked him about it. Now I regret saying anything, as I feel maybe I reacted emotionally and scared him off I don't want any regrets, but I feel like I pushed away a guy I really liked.
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 My friends say that guys tend to pull back after sex to see how a girl will react, ie. if she will react emotionally, etc.. and that they come back eventually if you give them space. That sounds like really bad advice to me. Yeah some guys do that. Some don't. We are not all alike, you know! What you have to ask yourself is, what does it say about a guy if he does this? Is he a nice guy or is he someone who plays stupid manipulation games? If the latter then would you want to see him again anyway?
Candice Luna Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I agree with PegNosePete. Not all guys are the same. There was no "space" needed after the first time me and my boyfriend had sex. He went home the next day and sent me emails shortly after he got home. Saying how it was great, etc. AND he proceeded to book the next date! 2
Author nadinefleur Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Well maybe my guy just needed a few days to think about things? Who knows! All I know is that either he lost interest, or he didn't lose interest and I just f*d things up by being emotional and asking him what's up and then ignoring him for 4 days
Zack_Palmer Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 @nadinefleur As a Guy, Here's My take on Your Situation: You need to do one of two things 1.) End it with Him or 2.) Give Him space (do Not call, do Not text, Don't even check his FB) I say this because You are on the verge of pushing him away. It seems like you both have feelings, and an attraction to one another. But, he wants to be assured that your the 'Cool' kind of girl who can be Non Needy and Drama Free. If he has a lot going on his his life, The Last thing He needs is any pushy/intruding behavior (Even if that is coming from someone he has feelings for) He needs to know this is something that can be long term as opposed to just a short fling.
Author nadinefleur Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 @Zack_Palmer I don't think I am on the verge of pushing him away, I think I've already pushed him away. I waited a few days after he asked when he could see me, and I asked when he was free. I waited a few days because I didn't know how interested he was in me, whether it was all just about sex, or what. Anyway, he didn't reply to my text, so I take that to mean it was about sex and he wasn't all that interested. Or I just pushed him away with my emotional reaction, and also because I then took a few days to reply to him. I am not going to contact him again, cos of course the ball is now in his court. But I don't think I will hear from him again now.
Candice Luna Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am not going to contact him again, cos of course the ball is now in his court. But I don't think I will hear from him again now. You could contact him one last time and tell him what you told us: you didn't reply for a few days because you didn't know how interested he was in you. No need to elaborate too much. If he doesn't reply back, at least you know you had the courage to let him know your real motives. If he DOES reply and it's positive, then enjoy
scooby-philly Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Someone pointed out - he's either one of two guys - a player (and apparently good at it) or a nice guy who's probably over-thinking things. I can relate to being the "nice" guy and constantly over-reacting and over-analyzing every little thing. I've gotten better and in many different areas. There's no fool proof test to see if he's a player or a nice guy. You'd have to see him in a variety of contexts to do so, but if he is a nice guy, try and see if you remember saying anything that might have made him afraid or if you said anything about a past relationship - or he shared about one, where there were things that now that you've crossed the barrier, may have trigged a response. All that said, if you have been and/or will be clear about how you feel, then he's probably a player. Hate to say that. I'm a busy guy but I'll go out of the way for the people in my life.
Author nadinefleur Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 You could contact him one last time and tell him what you told us: you didn't reply for a few days because you didn't know how interested he was in you. No need to elaborate too much. If he doesn't reply back, at least you know you had the courage to let him know your real motives. If he DOES reply and it's positive, then enjoy But when I contacted him I apologised for taking a few days to reply but said I needed time to think, and I didn't want to come across as rude, and then I asked when he was free to meet. So I don't know how I would initiate contact again by explaining - oh and also I took a while because I didn't know if you were interested in me. Don't know how to put that without it coming across as crazy (I sent the text 2 days ago)
Author nadinefleur Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 All that said, if you have been and/or will be clear about how you feel, then he's probably a player. Hate to say that. I'm a busy guy but I'll go out of the way for the people in my life. Well I did tell him that I liked him but was confused and didn't know where I stood with him. And he didn't acknowledge that, all he said was that he was sorry I took his non-contact in the wrong way. I couldn't imagine him being a player, my ex was a player and they are very different in the way they behave. Plus this guy made a LOT of effort with me. Seems like too much effort to make if you are only interested in sex. I don't think I said anything to put him off or scare him (apart from my text where I told him I liked him and didn't know where I stood). All I can think of is that he could sense I was getting more attached after we had sex, or he met someone else, or there was something about me that put him off!
hasaquestion Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 But when I contacted him I apologised for taking a few days to reply but said I needed time to think, and I didn't want to come across as rude, and then I asked when he was free to meet. So I don't know how I would initiate contact again by explaining - oh and also I took a while because I didn't know if you were interested in me. Don't know how to put that without it coming across as crazy (I sent the text 2 days ago) You don't have to explain anything. He isn't explaining anything to you. He feels like you answer to him and that's the problem. Go meet other guys, if he wants you he can come get you. 1
Author nadinefleur Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 So this guy has reappeared. He sent me a message saying he is sorry he didn't get in contact but he was feeling really confused. He said he isn't into playing games, but he was hurt in a previous relationship and felt I wanted something more serious than he could give me and he wanted to take it more slow. Now I don't want anything serious, and didn't want to jump into a relationship as I have been really hurt before too! He must have thought I wanted something serious from when I called him out for not contacting me for 4 days after we had sex. I don't want something serious, but I didn't want to be used for sex either! Is this just a misunderstanding? We didn't communicate what either of us wanted when we started dating so maybe this is the problem here? To be honest, I could tell he was nervous around me, but I just took it that he really liked me, not because he had been hurt in the past and wasn't ready for anything serious. But it makes sense really... I know he is a good guy, and maybe he is seeing someone else.. who knows? But I'm glad he explained things to me, and I knew he was a gentleman from all of the conversations we had and the way he treated me when we were dating... Maybe he just needed time to process his feelings.. I'm not making excuses for him, just trying to think of all of the possible reasons, and don't want to jump to conclusions that he's a player, that he's seeing someone else.. etc. Don't take me wrong, I know these are possible reasons too! But then maybe when i called him out for not contacting me initially for 4 days I scared him off, he did say he was confused by my reaction, and maybe he read too much into it. I wasn't telling him I wanted anything serious, I was just saying 'hello? your behaviour is inconsistent!' But who knows, maybe he needed those 4 days to reassess what was going on with us! Maybe he could sense I was starting to really like him and it scared him. What do you guys think?
Poppygoodwill Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 If he's doing the 'fade', why is he asking when he can see me again? Because you called him on it and he feels like a jerk, so to prove he isn't, he's asking you out. But remember: he didn't ask you out on his own. He only did it after you called him out. Its so weird, also he knows I'm not the type to sleep around, so sleeping with him was a really big deal to me.. Honestly, he probably doesn't care as much about your feelings as he does about his own. Could it be possible he was playing games, ie. not contacting to test me for my interest, and now that I called him out on it he didn't know what to say except say he was busy? No, he wasn't testing you. If you have been showing steady interest then he has no reason to test you, right? He was showing his lack of interest. Why could he not just tell me where I stood with him, ie. if he's not interested anymore, or if he's met somoene else? Because he's a coward. He always was, only you just learned this about him now. Also, was I wrong in calling him out on it? No, because you needed to know. Better to take initiative for your own happiness and peace of mind, than sit in your house wondering what's going on. And believe me, nothing changed because you called him out. Urgh! I hate dating Well, good to hate dating *this* guy, and lucky you....you're out of it before getting hurt.
myothernic2 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 So this guy has reappeared. He sent me a message saying he is sorry he didn't get in contact but he was feeling really confused. He said he isn't into playing games, but he was hurt in a previous relationship and felt I wanted something more serious than he could give me and he wanted to take it more slow. Now I don't want anything serious, and didn't want to jump into a relationship as I have been really hurt before too! He must have thought I wanted something serious from when I called him out for not contacting me for 4 days after we had sex. I don't want something serious, but I didn't want to be used for sex either! Is this just a misunderstanding? We didn't communicate what either of us wanted when we started dating so maybe this is the problem here? To be honest, I could tell he was nervous around me, but I just took it that he really liked me, not because he had been hurt in the past and wasn't ready for anything serious. But it makes sense really... I know he is a good guy, and maybe he is seeing someone else.. who knows? But I'm glad he explained things to me, and I knew he was a gentleman from all of the conversations we had and the way he treated me when we were dating... Maybe he just needed time to process his feelings.. I'm not making excuses for him, just trying to think of all of the possible reasons, and don't want to jump to conclusions that he's a player, that he's seeing someone else.. etc. Don't take me wrong, I know these are possible reasons too! But then maybe when i called him out for not contacting me initially for 4 days I scared him off, he did say he was confused by my reaction, and maybe he read too much into it. I wasn't telling him I wanted anything serious, I was just saying 'hello? your behaviour is inconsistent!' But who knows, maybe he needed those 4 days to reassess what was going on with us! Maybe he could sense I was starting to really like him and it scared him. What do you guys think? You don't want anything serious? Are you sure about that....? I notice that a lot of times, someone will convince themselves of thinking they feel that way just so they can "feel" they're in the same line of thinking as the other person they're into and it's okay to continue. Just something to think about. 1
Author nadinefleur Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 You don't want anything serious? Are you sure about that....? I notice that a lot of times, someone will convince themselves of thinking they feel that way just so they can "feel" they're in the same line of thinking as the other person they're into and it's okay to continue. Just something to think about. Well I definitely didn't want to jump into a relationship, and his message is implying that that is what I want. I was really hurt in my previous rel and I didn't want to rush into anything, I wanted to get to know him better and to take it slow... but at the same time I didn't want to be messed around
snowflakes88 Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 You're going to end up with your feelings hurt, no doubt about it. He's already being up front about probably not being able to give you what you want, and you're already trying to convince yourself you're on the same page as he is -- when it's painfully clear that you want more and are already WAY more invested. Absolute recipe for disaster, but you strike me as the type who will have to ride it out to see for yourself. 1
Author nadinefleur Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 You're going to end up with your feelings hurt, no doubt about it. He's already being up front about probably not being able to give you what you want, and you're already trying to convince yourself you're on the same page as he is -- when it's painfully clear that you want more and are already WAY more invested. Absolute recipe for disaster, but you strike me as the type who will have to ride it out to see for yourself. I don't know about wanting more, I was still getting to know him.. I just wanted to take it slow and see how it would pan out. As I said I am in no rush to get into a relationship again as I was really hurt in the past. But I was enjoying myself with him and was keen to get to know him better and just have fun and go with the flow with him. I told him this in response to his message, but he didn't reply. Which means either his 'explanation' is bull, because if it were true we'd be taking it slow right now! So I think he just said it because he didn't want to tell me he was no longer interested, or if he met someone else. But then why contact at all? It had been a week... if he was no longer interested then he wouldn't initiate contact to explain his silence right? Very confused...
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