Dazz004 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Wife and i went to MC last night I was full of hope that things would be sorted. I came out feeling that there's no way she will ever be happy with me and I with her. I love her deeply but she has become withdrawn and cold has lost her need and want for physical love which has made me frustrated and left feeling alone. It has caused me to get angry and yell etc. She has remained the perfect mother and looks after the needs of the household, but my frustration and anger has made her feel scared and as a result she has shut me out totally. I just wanted to feel loved. Anyway I now feel the best course is to separate, so we can both move on and be happy. But f*** me if this isnt the most confusing mind numbing hurtful thing I have ever gone through. Never been on a forum before but looking for support and advice Thanks
thedmc Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 When did she start to become more distant with you and how good are the communication skills in your relationship?
beach Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 If you think it's over why separate? Why not divorce so you can each find a suitable match?
Yasuandio Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Back off big time, right now. Give her more space than she can imagine. Set up a man cave in the house for yourself. Think only of yourself at this time - and healing - because you are in pain, arguing is only going to reinforce her position. Start reading about NC/LC, 180's and maybe some Homer (see signature link below). You got to be totally cool now - not needy. Leave the house some, do a little shopping, get some new clothes, new haircut, new colone. Get some movies and hang in your cave until further notice. Do not talk about relationship. Just say "I don't feel like getting into any serious talk," period. Get silent. But be friendly. Do this awhile. Keep us posted. Yas 1
Author Dazz004 Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 It's been going on for 5 years or so but has goy considerably worse in the last 18 months. Communication is a big problem, I try to talk and tell her my feelings and needs she would agree and things would be great for a week or so, then she slips back behind her wall. very rare for her to express herself, one of her favorite sayings is " anything for a quite life" Legally I must separate for 12 months before getting divorced, also I don't want it to be over, I just feel it's the only option that will eventually make us both happy. Thanks Yas, we are moving out on alternate weeks so won't see much of each other, have read the 180 and will follow up on the others. I am actually feeling ok with the decision, but do question myself and have doubts sometimes, but I suppose this normal.
Author Dazz004 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Hard day today! Had to tell my parents, talked to her family and then I agreed to have dinner with her and one of my sons, should've said no but didn't want to disappoint my son. We had a couple chats between us as well. Discussed financials, living arrangements, kids etc really hard and I struggled, as did she. Problem is we don't hate or dislike each other, she just doesn't love me anymore. She would be happy to continue to live together but I need a wife not a roommate. Unfortunately due to circumstances to involved to go through we need to be around each other for the next 2 days. She's very scared about her future and I feel extremely sorry for her, but I can't comfort her I need to make the cut clean for my own sanity.
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Without knowing your details, on the surface your marriage is precisely a mirror image of my last one. Separated/divorced after 26 years, because a good two-thirds of that were on a friend-only basis.... We had 2 daughters, but if my H and I had faced facts, this marriage should have lasted all of 12 years, not 26. People move past a level of intimacy and settle into a state of companionship. it's no rare thing at all for women to go off sex and be quite content to live a sex-free life for some considerable time. This, of course, is grossly unfair on the H, but the poor dude has little or no choice but to go along with the way things are. I had a series of hormonal issues which further compounded the problem. Or maybe they were the source, and the symptoms were changes in how we behaved with one another.... Whatever. Finally, something had to give. We both became involved with a Relationships counselling organisation, and ran workshops for them... I even trained for some considerable time to become a counsellor, and even sat in and Guided some sessions myself (with silent supervision). I would say that experience was enormously helpful, because we developed skills which supported us in how we discussed our individual PoV's.... Counselling is not designed, nor meant, to keep people together, necessarily, as you discovered for yourself. Counselling provides a level playing-field, a forum where people can speak without fear of their words being misunderstood, or the situation/discussion escalating to an argument. But if it's best that people go their separate ways, then that's a decision which has to be come to, together. Even if it's not the ideal. I'm sorry this all seems so bewildering and alien right now. But at 57, I am again married, so please don't think that after divorce, life is over. It may feel that way, but believe me, Life holds great store for those prepared to close the book and move on.
beach Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I don't know how long you've been married. But why waste 5. - 10 or 20 more years trying to be happy if this isn't working? You could be on your way to finding a better match in a year. Limit your interaction with your stbxwife... It will help you move toward becoming independent and feel more indifferent when you're forced to see her. 1
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