chameleongirl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Is anyone here in a sexless or nearly sexless marriage? This is my dilemma. I do care about my husband, but we don't have sex anymore. We have kids and married for over a decade. Our relationship is civil and we get along on almost everything...except sex is the problem. How do you cope?
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Have you two openly talked about this issue? Why no sex is happening? Is it you, him or just both of you? Do you two ever cuddle, hold hands, kiss and have any kind of intimacy? That stuff is the important bit of glue that binds a couple together, romance too.
Fluttershy Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Make it clear Sex is important. And the problem needs to be fixed. If you try to bury it and minimize it the problem will only grow. It can make one of you or both suseptible to an affair (still a choice but I would imagine going sexless for a long period and then having someone you find attractive flirt with you would be like putting a kid in a candy store). Nip it in the bud!
janedoe67 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I lived for 12 years in a sexless marriage. Then I made the awful choice to cheat. Then 6 years later I had been in a sexless marriage for 4 years. I cheated again - bad horrible choice that I knew better than to make. The marriage just kept being sexless that time. Then I did it AGAIN because I am apparently to stupid and selfish to learn. Or I was. Now I am getting a divorce because I have betrayed him too much, there will never be sex in our marriage, and there is too much damage. I would make it clear, set a time limit, GUARD YOURSELF, and then make a choice.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 It is one thing to have a medical condition or disability and you are unable to have sex. It is another thing entirely to just deny your spouse and not even seek help for your issues. It is akin to cheating. Like, "well I don't want you, but no one else can have you either". It is bull****. 2
Silly_Girl Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 For me, emotional intimacy is not possible without sexual intimacy and I NEED both. And lots of. I would be cold, withdrawn and lonely in a relationship without intimacy. I would not feed it and it would die. I would do anything and everything within my power to prevent that happening, but if it happened I would walk away. You need a way forward. Some people start small, kissing, stroking, holding hands. Others need the basic satisfaction of sex (even a quickie in the middle of the night) and build from there. What do you think you could do? Do you want to *do* anything? 1
dichotomy Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Is anyone here in a sexless or nearly sexless marriage? This is my dilemma. I do care about my husband, but we don't have sex anymore. We have kids and married for over a decade. Our relationship is civil and we get along on almost everything...except sex is the problem. How do you cope? Yes I am in a nearly sexless marriage. It has varied over the years - but the trend has been downward for years. Your post is not clear on why - is it your choice or his or mutual? Also it is hard to agree on whats sexless vs very low sex. Varies from person to person. Coping? We are in sex marriage therapy, I am reading some books to see if I can fix this. Also working out, "taking care of myself", focusing on positives in my life and res of marriage, and viewing this as a "illness or disability" on my spouse end and that it has nothing much to do with me. However, it is difficult and I find myself often thinking of not so good thoughts these days.
central Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Clearly, you need to talk about this, directly yet compassionately. There is a reason (or was he always this way?), and the first goal is to find the cause. It could be medical, it could be low testosterone, it could be psychological, it could be resentments or disillusionment, it could be having been turned down too often in the past, it could be loss of attraction if you've changed, etc. - it could even be an affair. Once you know why - and it may not be easy as it can be difficult to be honest with one's self or each other, out of fear of hurting even more, or it may take medical tests or counseling - you can look for ways to change it.
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