Breakup Recovery

January 24, 2014

I'd like to let you know about a site I created for helping get over a breakup or divorce:

I put up a thread about it several months ago on this forum. The response was phenomenal. Many posters here have read through the site I made and have sent me really heartfelt messages. I've also seen several people on this forum recommend it to others in their own postings as a helpful tool during their recovery process. It made me so happy to think that what I made helped people from this forum.

I'm posting again a new thread just to let people know again about the breakup recovery site.

It's completely, entirely non-commercial. It consists of 20 articles covering topics such as:

the science behind why the pain of breakup or divorce hurts as much as breaking a bone, including discussion of the latest research involving MRI scans, psychology of Facebook when recovering from a breakup, and more
why no-contact is vital and how to start it
if and how to get closure
what to do if your ex- contacts you
how to deal with your ex’s birthday
real advice on rebound relationships
your health, activities
... and more

It's 100% free and open. No ads, no commercials, no marketing, no linking, no self-promotion or anything about me, no social-media likes or sharing or tweeting. It's just honest, real advice for people recovering from a breakup, without the usual platitudes and cliches, all information based on both legitimate research from different fields of scientific research and the experiences of thousands of people whose cases I've observed.

I wrote it as a way to pay forward all the great advice and knowledge I got following my own breakup from the hundreds of hours I spent last year studying breakup and rejection. I'm not posting here to violate any forum rules or cause problems; I simply want to let people in the LoveShack community who are suffering and in pain know that there's a free, non-commercial resource which might be of benefit.

Nothing in life teaches you what really is happening to you, why it's happening to you and what you’re supposed to do when you’ve been dumped.

A lot of the clichés contain some truth (e.g., "time heals all wounds"), but they don’t help much while you're actually going through it. The endlessly cheerful tone of friends and self-help guides struck me as unrealistic and borderline absurd, making me discount their message even more while I was suffering.

And some of the traditional academic explanations of what a person goes through following a breakup didn’t seem to apply to my situation at all (e.g., Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief.)

I ended up spending hundreds of hours studying the physical and psychological effects of rejection, reading thousands (tens of thousands??) of stories on forums of people who’ve been dumped, looking at relationship blogs, sites by “professionals" who offer paid-for services to help you…

With the understanding I gained and the passage of time, I began to apply what I learned to my own situation, and little by little I healed.

The pain of a breakup is not "just in your mind". It's a traumatic event as strong as any physical pain. It activates many of the same areas of the brain as a physical injury such as breaking a bone or being burned. Unfortunately, it's a topic which is often glossed over with platitudes or false-cheerfulness. So I decided to create a guide which treats it with both the seriousness that the pain merits and the empathy which those who are suffering deserve.

It's the guide I wish I'd had when I was dumped.

The site is completely free, completely open to copy and paste and use however you want. There are no ads, no links, no donation buttons, no social media promotion, nothing. My only goal is to help anyone who can benefit from these words.

Please take a look if you're interested.

If you have any feedback, suggestions, or comments, there's a contact form on the site which you can use to get in touch with me.

If you're suffering now from a breakup, I know that it might seem impossible to believe, but please trust me that your pain will eventually fade, all of this will just be a memory, and you will come out stronger and your life will be better because of the experience.

I wish you the best of luck.

January 24, 2014

I am so glad you posted a notice about the fabulous site you created.

I just read it last week and I can sincerely say that from the multitudes of reading I've done on the subject, this helped me the most and had a lasting impact. So very well-written. So much good information. An easy read and heartfelt. It shouldn't be missed and I would highly recommend the Breakup Recovery Guide to everyone here.

Don't miss this valuable read!!!

And thank you SOOO much, Recovered, for taking the time to help those in dire need.

January 24, 2014

I read this back in September when I had my 2nd breakup with my ex. I will be reading this again after this 3rd breakup.

January 24, 2014

Wish we were taught how to deal with these things somewhere along the way, like in junior high school or something. I mean, there is sex ed, but what about emotional ed? Or heartbreak ed??

But I guess there really isn't a way to do that. Only experience can teach these lessons. Nice to know there is some science and other reasoning behind how we feel when it does happen!!

Thanks for your effort!!!

January 24, 2014

Good point, mtnbiker. I know it may just seem like common sense, but I also wish we were extensively taught about what to watch out for in relationships before we get involved too deeply. I wish someone had sat down and directly told me over and over again to exit a relationship when certain negative traits show up and that it is NOT worth giving second, third, etc. chances.

The other day, I told my mom how critical my ex was of me and she said you should have run the other way the first time he was critical. And I thought, wow, she's right, but why didn't she tell me that when I was 13 and 14 and 15?

But maybe I still would have made the same foolish mistakes.

January 24, 2014

good stuff. thank you!

January 24, 2014

Good point, mtnbiker. I know it may just seem like common sense, but I also wish we were extensively taught about what to watch out for in relationships before we get involved too deeply. I wish someone had sat down and directly told me over and over again to exit a relationship when certain negative traits show up and that it is NOT worth giving second, third, etc. chances.

The other day, I told my mom how critical my ex was of me and she said you should have run the other way the first time he was critical. And I thought, wow, she's right, but why didn't she tell me that when I was 13 and 14 and 15?

But maybe I still would have made the same foolish mistakes.

Because there are too many variables and too many things that don't make sense. One lesson might completely contradict another. Thus, the mystery of love

January 24, 2014

This site is frankly brilliant. Thank you for it and thank you for the warm wishes over the holiday period. Haydn

I'd like to let you know about a site I created for helping get over a breakup or divorce:

Breakup Recovery Guide

I put up a thread about it several months ago on this forum. The response was phenomenal. Many posters here have read through the site I made and have sent me really heartfelt messages. I've also seen several people on this forum recommend it to others in their own postings as a helpful tool during their recovery process. It made me so happy to think that what I made helped people from this forum.

I'm posting again a new thread just to let people know again about the breakup recovery site.

It's completely, entirely non-commercial. It consists of 20 articles covering topics such as:

the science behind why the pain of breakup or divorce hurts as much as breaking a bone, including discussion of the latest research involving MRI scans, psychology of Facebook when recovering from a breakup, and more
why no-contact is vital and how to start it
if and how to get closure
what to do if your ex- contacts you
how to deal with your ex’s birthday
real advice on rebound relationships
your health, activities
... and more

It's 100% free and open. No ads, no commercials, no marketing, no linking, no self-promotion or anything about me, no social-media likes or sharing or tweeting. It's just honest, real advice for people recovering from a breakup, without the usual platitudes and cliches, all information based on both legitimate research from different fields of scientific research and the experiences of thousands of people whose cases I've observed.

I wrote it as a way to pay forward all the great advice and knowledge I got following my own breakup from the hundreds of hours I spent last year studying breakup and rejection. I'm not posting here to violate any forum rules or cause problems; I simply want to let people in the LoveShack community who are suffering and in pain know that there's a free, non-commercial resource which might be of benefit.

Nothing in life teaches you what really is happening to you, why it's happening to you and what you’re supposed to do when you’ve been dumped.

A lot of the clichés contain some truth (e.g., "time heals all wounds"), but they don’t help much while you're actually going through it. The endlessly cheerful tone of friends and self-help guides struck me as unrealistic and borderline absurd, making me discount their message even more while I was suffering.

And some of the traditional academic explanations of what a person goes through following a breakup didn’t seem to apply to my situation at all (e.g., Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief.)

I ended up spending hundreds of hours studying the physical and psychological effects of rejection, reading thousands (tens of thousands??) of stories on forums of people who’ve been dumped, looking at relationship blogs, sites by “professionals" who offer paid-for services to help you…

With the understanding I gained and the passage of time, I began to apply what I learned to my own situation, and little by little I healed.

The pain of a breakup is not "just in your mind". It's a traumatic event as strong as any physical pain. It activates many of the same areas of the brain as a physical injury such as breaking a bone or being burned. Unfortunately, it's a topic which is often glossed over with platitudes or false-cheerfulness. So I decided to create a guide which treats it with both the seriousness that the pain merits and the empathy which those who are suffering deserve.

It's the guide I wish I'd had when I was dumped.

The site is completely free, completely open to copy and paste and use however you want. There are no ads, no links, no donation buttons, no social media promotion, nothing. My only goal is to help anyone who can benefit from these words.

Please take a look if you're interested.

If you have any feedback, suggestions, or comments, there's a contact form on the site which you can use to get in touch with me.

If you're suffering now from a breakup, I know that it might seem impossible to believe, but please trust me that your pain will eventually fade, all of this will just be a memory, and you will come out stronger and your life will be better because of the experience.

I wish you the best of luck.

January 24, 2014

Good point, mtnbiker. I know it may just seem like common sense, but I also wish we were extensively taught about what to watch out for in relationships before we get involved too deeply. I wish someone had sat down and directly told me over and over again to exit a relationship when certain negative traits show up and that it is NOT worth giving second, third, etc. chances.

The other day, I told my mom how critical my ex was of me and she said you should have run the other way the first time he was critical. And I thought, wow, she's right, but why didn't she tell me that when I was 13 and 14 and 15?

But maybe I still would have made the same foolish mistakes.

I've realized that I just didn't trust my instincts, so I think I knew at several points that I should have bailed or at the very least not accepted the bad behavior. Some of it is learning by experience, but a lot of it comes down to just expecting to be treated decently.

January 25, 2014

I've realized that I just didn't trust my instincts, so I think I knew at several points that I should have bailed or at the very least not accepted the bad behavior. Some of it is learning by experience, but a lot of it comes down to just expecting to be treated decently.

You are SO right!! Our instincts tell us what to do, but we tend to ignore them when we're having fun a lot of the time. Yes, we need to expect to be treated decently, but when we're deeply involved, I think we foolishly hope that things will change. It's like they hook us in by being so great at the beginning, and then the ball drops and their real selves surface. By then, we don't know if we're coming or going because we are so attached.

January 25, 2014

You are SO right!! Our instincts tell us what to do, but we tend to ignore them when we're having fun a lot of the time. Yes, we need to expect to be treated decently, but when we're deeply involved, I think we foolishly hope that things will change. It's like they hook us in by being so great at the beginning, and then the ball drops and their real selves surface. By then, we don't know if we're coming or going because we are so attached.

There's also a tendency to want to justify the investment you have spent on this person. I remember the red flags that I knew, in my heart, were not good. But I saw what I wanted to. I wasn't objective. However, it's very difficult to be objective when you love someone. I probably still wouldn't have done anything differently because I was so wrapped up in the relationship at that point.

January 25, 2014

You are SO right!! Our instincts tell us what to do, but we tend to ignore them when we're having fun a lot of the time. Yes, we need to expect to be treated decently, but when we're deeply involved, I think we foolishly hope that things will change. It's like they hook us in by being so great at the beginning, and then the ball drops and their real selves surface. By then, we don't know if we're coming or going because we are so attached.

There's also a tendency to want to justify the investment you have spent on this person. I remember the red flags that I knew, in my heart, were not good. But I saw what I wanted to. I wasn't objective. However, it's very difficult to be objective when you love someone. I probably still wouldn't have done anything differently because I was so wrapped up in the relationship at that point.

Both excellent observations!!!! Guilty of these behaviors BIG TIME!!! Just hope I can respond differently next time

January 25, 2014

Both excellent observations!!!! Guilty of these behaviors BIG TIME!!! Just hope I can respond differently next time

Gosh, that really is the hope. I pray I have learned a valuable lesson from all the pain and that I will not only remember, but to actually act on it if I should ever see those red flags waving their little hearts out at me.

January 25, 2014

Recovered i want to personaly thank you.

Thank you it really really helped me.

January 25, 2014

I pray I have learned a valuable lesson from all the pain and that I will not only remember, but to actually act on it if I should ever see those red flags waving their little hearts out at me.

Enter self-esteem and codependency issues!!! Without addressing these, I believe chances are high it WILL happen again

January 25, 2014

Enter self-esteem and codependency issues!!! Without addressing these, I believe chances are high it WILL happen again

You are correct. I think our intuition serves us well, but we don't want to listen to it all the time. We make these situations more difficult than necessary when the writing is sometimes on the wall.

January 27, 2014

WOW! Thanks to all of you for the great praise of the breakuprecoveryguide.com website. I really appreciate!

I am so glad you posted a notice about the fabulous site you created.

I just read it last week and I can sincerely say that from the multitudes of reading I've done on the subject, this helped me the most and had a lasting impact. So very well-written. So much good information. An easy read and heartfelt. It shouldn't be missed and I would highly recommend the Breakup Recovery Guide to everyone here.

Don't miss this valuable read!!!

And thank you SOOO much, Recovered, for taking the time to help those in dire need.

Thanks for the kind words, LadyM. Really, really makes me happy to hear that helped you. Definitely pass the website link on to all those who you think could be helped

I read this back in September when I had my 2nd breakup with my ex. I will be reading this again after this 3rd breakup.

Hi H245! I'm glad it helped in September and again now. And I hope that it will help so well that you'll be moving on to know yourself better, understand better who you are and what you want, and create a life for yourself that will be satisfying and rewarding :)

Wish we were taught how to deal with these things somewhere along the way, like in junior high school or something. I mean, there is sex ed, but what about emotional ed? Or heartbreak ed??

But I guess there really isn't a way to do that. Only experience can teach these lessons. Nice to know there is some science and other reasoning behind how we feel when it does happen!!

Thanks for your effort!!!

Hi MtnBiker -

Yes, I very much agree that it's crazy how much we learn about love, sex and relationships both directly from family/friends/community and indirectly from society (movies, TV, music, etc)... but that our knowledge of the trauma of breakups is so incredibly limited. Most treatments of breakups are limited to either jokes about ice-cream, bland cliches about "time heals all wounds", and pseudo-scientific theories (the stages of grief) which I found oddly inapplicable to my situation or that of anyone else in the real world.

That's why I found the legitimate scientific research about the effects on our brains to be very interesting, and thought that it would be helpful to many to present that information along with basic, no-nonsense advise about how to deal step-by-painful-step with a breakup.

I'm glad you found the site helpful

--

Haydn, Hurts2Death, jphcbpa - Thanks to all of you for your short messages. I really appreciate your comments; it makes me very happy to know that what I made can help others who are going through the experience now. If I can help in any other way, feel free to contact me through the website

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