Cakess Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Soo.. I'm finishing up my freshman year in college and my boyfriend will be graduating high school this June, I'm 18 and he's 19. Although when we started dating almost a year and a half ago we both talked about going to college together, he got held back and so I went to University alone. Now he's talking about not going to college AT ALL and instead rambles about joining the army, the navy, or the national guard instead. He says he feels like he won't do well in college, even though I try to persuade him and I think he is really smart. Now everytime he brings it up or goes to visit them I get really upset and we tend to fight about it. I want to support him but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and I'm not sure what to do. I've never known a person close to me who is anything but a civilian. I love this guy to pieces but I'm not sure how to be supportive or if I can deal with that in the future. I wish he would just stop complicating our relationship but it's coming and I need to know how to deal with this situation better. Advice?
Author Cakess Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Stop being so needy. It's his life and you're either part of it or you're not. Ouch. Thanks, I guess...
TXGuy Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I think he is right that college is not for him (at least right now). He just failed 12th grade. It sounds like he might be more suited to a hands on career, rather than doing 4 more years of school. A break from it would likely do him some good. He can go back to school later, if he chooses. Woops. That doesn't fit in your plans though. It kinda sucks, but it is pretty common for the transition from high school to post-HS. I know you think this guy is great, but do you want to go off track with school to be with him? It sounds like you two have some decisions to make. Take your time and think them through.
Els Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 He does have the right to decide what he wants to do with his life. On the other hand, you also have the right to decide what you want to do with yours, and whether or not he is to be a part of that. You are 18 and a freshman in college. There is absolutely no obligation for you to put your life on hold for a boy who is determined to go off to the military. Military Rs are strenuous and difficult in the best of circumstances, and it really is not what you need to be doing when you are in college and young. You might want to think about whether it would best for you two to part ways, IMO.
Author Cakess Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 I know there's probably not much convincing I can do, but I'm not sure if I want to be away from him even more than I am now (5hrs away, to be exact). I don't have any experience about what dating someone in the military is like, or anybody I know personally who I can ask. But I feel like it's selfish of me to tell him I don't want this because you guys are right, he should be able to do what he wants and my best intentions are never to hold him back because of my own feelings. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to say to him anymore.
Els Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 There are a few threads on this forum (mostly in the LDR section) by people in military Rs. There is usually a lot of hardship and heartbreak, and the successful ones usually marry quite quickly to help with deployment and relocation issues. Given your ages, this would be very infeasible for you. Wish him well, then carry on with your own life. Enjoy college, make friends, etc. See where life takes you.
skydiveaddict Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I love this guy to pieces but I'm not sure how to be supportive or if I can deal with that in the future. I wish he would just stop complicating our relationship but it's coming and I need to know how to deal with this situation better. Advice? I would encourage him to join the national guard (if he can get in, it's not as easy as he might think). They'll help him pay for college and he'll get to stay where he is. Don't worry about him getting deployed. All that is drawing down.
Eau Claire Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This fellow had trouble finishing high school but you love him? Hopefully because you see him as a good provider and perhaps one day the father of your children. What qualities are you looking for in a man? You are going to college...obviously you have some self discipline and goals. Make sure you are on the pill and he uses condoms. If he wants to join the military, hopefully it is because he has thought it through and not because he is floundering around. If you don't mind being away from each other for up to a year at a time, then it may be something you can both agree on. I personally need a partner who puts me first and is there when I need and want him to hold me...not next November.
Author Cakess Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 I know that information might make him seem like a dummy but he's very smart and sweet and kind, even if he doesn't think so. And he loves me very much. These are my qualities. He has said before that college might not be good for him, and he wants to find a way to provide for us to build a life together... But I never thought that means we will be apart even more. I am scared of that kind of future. Please don't be judgmental.
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 (edited) I know that information might make him seem like a dummy but he's very smart and sweet and kind, even if he doesn't think so. And he loves me very much. These are my qualities. He has said before that college might not be good for him, and he wants to find a way to provide for us to build a life together... But I never thought that means we will be apart even more. I am scared of that kind of future. Please don't be judgmental. No judgement, no worries. It's pretty normal to want to keep your partner as close as possible- but if that means standing in the way of his life goals- you could push him away and you don't want to do that. Sometimes we want something so bad all we see is our own needs- and we have to step away once and a while and ask ourselves some rational questions to put things back into perspective. He's young, he's figuring out his life goals- what he needs from you is support and encouragement. It's hard when you want something different for the two of you- but you have to allow him the freedom to make his own choices- even if you want something else. He'll truly appreciate you all the more if you can do that for him. Trying to gently dictate his life goals for him will only make him resent you- and again, you don't want that. Edited January 24, 2014 by D-Lish 3
almond Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This fellow had trouble finishing high school but you love him? This comes across as pretty judgmental in my opinion. There is a lot more to a man than his ability to breeze through high school! In fact, this kid struggled but persisted and made it through - he didn't quit. Good on him.
Author Cakess Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 No judgement, no worries. It's pretty normal to want to keep your partner as close as possible- but if that means standing in the way of his life goals- you could push him away and you don't want to do that. Sometimes we want something so bad all we see is our own needs- and we have to step away once and a while and ask ourselves some rational questions to put things back into perspective. He's young, he's figuring out his life goals- what he needs from you is support and encouragement. It's hard when you want something different for the two of you- but you have to allow him the freedom to make his own choices- even if you want something else. He'll truly appreciate you all the more if you can do that for him. Trying to gently dictate his life goals for him will only make him resent you- and again, you don't want that. you're right, I have to do better than I have been and our argument last night was so stupid and I'm being selfish maybe. I guess my best chance is to apologize for being a jerk and stop talking about what I want only..
mammasita Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Trust your bond. Let him go but always be there for him. I was in the military. Most young relationships don't survive. If its meant to be, you'll end up together.
HokeyReligions Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 kudos to him for finishing high school a lot of people would have just quit. that shows strength and determination. it seems a lot of people here are putting him down because he failed the last grade. I think that's terrible. he should be praised for graduating. he probably feels bad about himself too. encourage him to be supportive by reinforcing the positives - that he has strength of character to graduate and that he is considering different options. Hes looking for what will benefit him. The military might be very good for him. why don't you visit a recruiter and talk to some enlisted people and ask them about their life and their families. a lot of people would probably be very happy to talk with you. 1
HokeyReligions Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This comes across as pretty judgmental in my opinion. There is a lot more to a man than his ability to breeze through high school! In fact, this kid struggled but persisted and made it through - he didn't quit. Good on him. Amen. my husband graduated when he was 21. he was dyslexic and no one knew what that was back then. but he persisted and graduated. we went to college together when he was in his forties. he's a member of the National Honor Society and we both graduated with a 4.0 GPA . don't think because someone failed a few classes in high school or junior high that they're stupid. 1
Author Cakess Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Trust your bond. Let him go but always be there for him. I was in the military. Most young relationships don't survive. If its meant to be, you'll end up together. did your relationship fail because you were in the military?
mammasita Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 did your relationship fail because you were in the military? I had many failed relationships LOL..... some because of the military, some because of my stupidity. Point being, dating someone who is in fresh in the military is like an LDR on steroids. I'm not trying to discourage you, it can work - but its very hard.
Eau Claire Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This comes across as pretty judgmental in my opinion. There is a lot more to a man than his ability to breeze through high school! In fact, this kid struggled but persisted and made it through - he didn't quit. Good on him. No it isn't harsh. It's reality. The poster is 18. ...not 28. She has her life to live and if my daughter I would not want her being emotionally tied to a guy who struggled to finish high school. Now he wants to join the military and be away for her formative years. I'd want her away from him so she doesn't get pregnant or do something dumb like get married on a whim. Note . In the military you don't get to be posted to your girlfriend's college town. 'Gee let's get married'. She is 18.
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 cakess -- It sounds like your BF has a lot of great qualities & self knowledge is one of them, which is rare for somebody so young. He probably knows that he won't do well in college right now. College comes with tremendous debt so he's smart to avoid that before he's ready. Many high school relationships don't survive the transition to adulthood but some do. Statistically many young military romances don't survive either. The distance, the forced lengthy separations & the stress of deployment all take a toll but there are support systems for families. As a GF you will not be eligible for those. Don't make any demands of your BF now. Enjoy his company. When he makes decisions about his future be supportive. That doesn't mean you have to continue dating him. It doesn't mean that you have to break up. It just means that it's his life.
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