Berkley Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 There's one thing that's been bothering me since xmm took his NC 'hiatus' from our friendship. He wrote this quote in the Christmas card he sent...with no further comment/explanation. What is your personal interpretation of the quote ? “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
RickFox Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Y'all are done for now.... but he might come back when it suits him. That's my take 2
chelsea2011 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Agree with Rickfox. He had wistful thoughts, tried some things, got distracted by something or someone else and that's just how he is and how he thrives. He's a feather in the wind and floating off on a different stream.
Snipercatt Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It's hard to know exactly what Gilda Radner's poem meant to him. The.others probably covered it. 2
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Agree with Rickfox. He had wistful thoughts, tried some things, got distracted by something or someone else and that's just how he is and how he thrives. He's a feather in the wind and floating off on a different stream. This wasn't exactly a feather in the wind thing....it was a three year long friendship/work relationship/FWB....not a fleeting distraction. We had already had the...he needs space right now...my friendship means the world to him, we just need time to heal, he loves me dearly and we will always be friends, this isn't permanent - discussion. So...I don't understand the need to add this quote to his card...or what he thought it would add to everything we had already talked about endlessly. Neither of us wants to start the FWB thing up again.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Y'all are done for now.... but he might come back when it suits him. That's my take Yup. He is leaving the door open a crack for when he wants to reach out to you. He calls the shots though. Not you. Neither of us wants to start the FWB thing up again. Only way to prevent that is to not be friends at all and stay away from one another for good. NC NC NC.. 1
chelsea2011 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It's hard to know exactly what Gilda Radner's poem meant to him. The.others probably covered it. Very insightful that you know it is a Guilda Radner poem.
chelsea2011 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This wasn't exactly a feather in the wind thing....it was a three year long friendship/work relationship/FWB....not a fleeting distraction. We had already had the...he needs space right now...my friendship means the world to him, we just need time to heal, he loves me dearly and we will always be friends, this isn't permanent - discussion. So...I don't understand the need to add this quote to his card...or what he thought it would add to everything we had already talked about endlessly. Neither of us wants to start the FWB thing up again. Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Reading in the OW forum is a very heart breaking read and it just got to me so again, my apologies. So what do YOU want? Do you just want him to fade out of your life?
Anne Boleyn Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It means he's trying to be coy about how you meant something to him and there could have been something, but there isn't now. But he's left the door open a crack... Just in case. It also means his wife must have a Pinterest account he follows or checks on, since this quote was making the rounds about a month ago. It was one of December's top 500 pinned quotes. 1
chelsea2011 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It means he's trying to be coy about how you meant something to him and there could have been something, but there isn't now. But he's left the door open a crack... Just in case. It also means his wife must have a Pinterest account he follows or checks on, since this quote was making the rounds about a month ago. It was one of December's top 500 pinned quotes. This^ Now you know the guy is not even original. Blech. That alone should help you slam that door shut without any hopes of "just in case."
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 It means he's trying to be coy about how you meant something to him and there could have been something, but there isn't now. But he's left the door open a crack... Just in case. It also means his wife must have a Pinterest account he follows or checks on, since this quote was making the rounds about a month ago. It was one of December's top 500 pinned quotes. Coy isn't a word I'd ever use to describe him at all...and there was never any question of there being any expectations of something more between us besides friendship. We've both been honest and upfront about our feelings towards one another. He's not exactly a Pinterest kind of guy. LOL That quote has been around since 1989. I knew it was a quote and not his words...there was never any question of that.....I tried to add that to my original post, but it wouldn't let me. Chelsea - I really don't know what I want. I don't want the complications and tension that the 'benefits' brought to our relationship....but I certainly didn't want to lose the friendship. Through all of the ups and downs the last year brought us - the one thing that held strong was how much we cared about one another and that friendship we shared.
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 This^ Now you know the guy is not even original. Blech. That alone should help you slam that door shut without any hopes of "just in case." It's a rather famous quote...I never thought they were his words.
chelsea2011 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 When all else fails go with your gut. What is it telling you?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Words are cheap, what do his ACTIONS say. All of them, not just the ones you'd like to pick and choose? 3
Anne Boleyn Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Coy isn't a word I'd ever use to describe him at all...and there was never any question of there being any expectations of something more between us besides friendship. We've both been honest and upfront about our feelings towards one another. Coy isn't the word I was looking for... Insightful, I guess. Sentimental. Clever turn of the phrase sort of thing. He's not exactly a Pinterest kind of guy. LOL That quote has been around since 1989. I knew it was a quote and not his words...there was never any question of that.....I tried to add that to my original post, but it wouldn't let me. Oh, no, no criticism that they're not "his words," as it were. My husband leaves me notes, quotes, poems from other more famous people all the time. I always take it as a "I saw this, it made me think of you" which, to me, is just as sweet as if he'd said it originally. That's what I meant by pointing out it's been on Pinterest and was a re-circulated pin. Not that he's trying to pass something off, but because it was so popular, it leaked onto FB and Twitter too, and he probably saw it and thought of you. That's not a bad thing.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 There's one thing that's been bothering me since xmm took his NC 'hiatus' from our friendship. He wrote this quote in the Christmas card he sent...with no further comment/explanation. What is your personal interpretation of the quote ? “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” My interpretation of why he'd send it would be that he doesn't know what he wants and isn't courteous, courageous or caring enough to say that. It seems he's trying to put a poetic spin on his indecisiveness thinking it somehow legitimizes it. It just seems thoughtless and gamey, to me, of him to enter NC leaving you with such an ambiguous quote. 1
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 My gut tells me something different every day...mostly because his actions and words were so all over the map. For months he said over and over again how important our friendship was to him, that we were going to be friends for a very long time. He assured me that he wasn't going anywhere, that our relationship would change once we weren't working together, but that he wasn't going anywhere. We went four months with nothing but a platonic friendship...nothing more physical than a hug. Our last month of work...after he insisted that nothing more could ever happen again - he started to get close again - saying how much he was going to miss working with me, being able to talk to me every day, have me there to vent to about problems. He started getting touchy feely, sentimental, snuggly. Then our last week - he turned again - withdrawing, distancing himself. Then came the - he needed to take a hiatus from our friendship for a while. He loved me dearly, cares deeply...but we need time - do not contact him. He will see me some time in the new year. It is only good bye for now. Just give it time. Part of me thinks he means it and I will hear from him again. Part of me thinks I'll never see him again, unless by accident.
Owl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 This is an example of the "thinking about him" that I'd referred to on your other thread. Why ask "what does this mean?"? What it means is IRRELEVENT to your current status, and unimiportant to your future if the affair is over. What it IS, really, is just another way to focus on him in his absence. It's a "fix" in a way, to alleviate the cravings your feeling while getting over your addiction to him. Rather than focus on what he meant with that poem...you'd be better served by focusing on other things instead. You feed the addiction when you give in to the desire to discuss him or his actions, or what this meant, or what might have been. You note that you've never been one to be able to change your thoughts...if there was ever a time to learn this valuable skill, I'd hazard this was it. 1
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 (edited) What it means is IRRELEVENT to your current status, and unimiportant to your future if the affair is over. The 'affair' ended a long time ago. It is the friendship that is important to me and that is all I am concerned about for the future. Lovers come and go....and we were never even 'lovers'. Friendship, and that connection we had is much harder to find, and much harder to lose. Forums like these ones, counsellors, therapy...all exist for a reason...and that is because in order for people to be able to heal in life, instead of just burying emotions r bottling them up inside - they need to get them out, discuss them, try to understand. Edited January 24, 2014 by Berkley
Owl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 The 'affair' ended a long time ago. It is the friendship that is important to me and that is all I am concerned about for the future. Lovers come and go....and we were never even 'lovers'. Friendship, and that connection we had is much harder to find, and much harder to lose. Forums like these ones, counsellors, therapy...all exist for a reason...and that is because in order for people to be able to heal in life, instead of just burying emotions r bottling them up inside - they need to get them out, discuss them, try to understand. Here's the problem. It's nearly always impossible to go back to just being friends after an affair. That "friendship" was in jeopardy from the moment the affair ended. When it was changed into a romantic relationship...when it crossed the boundaries between friends and lovers...it pretty much ruined the chance of it going back to being "just" a friendship when the romantic relationship ended. Sadly, most folks don't realize that until it's much too late...such as in your case. I get that you want to talk about it. The problem is...talking about it usually results in dwelling on it...pondering it more than you need to. From my perspective, you've got the choice to either talk about it....or recover from it. The two are not mutually inclusive. In fact, at some point, they do become mutually exclusive. 1
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Our situation was far from the average affair...where the two people involved use all of their stolen time together to be emotionally and physically wound up in one another at every meeting. We weren't in that situation....we had almost too much time together...I saw him more than his W does. Our days were filled with conversations, work, fun, laughing...friendship. The 'benefits' happened rarely, it was not a major part of our relationship. Indeed it changed the dynamics of things, but the physical part was, overall, a very small part of 'us'. It is a long story in itself....but the stress, anger and tension that we had this summer and fall had more to do with work related problems and events than the relationship between us. Yes, the close connection we had shared made those issues much more personal and volatile, but without them - the platonic friendship that we were managing would not have been so strained. For three years, probably 90% of our interaction was physically platonic...since July, that was 99%. So right now, I guess I am trying to figure out whether the work problems or the FWB complications were the cause of things falling apart as much as they did.....and whether not working together any more would mean a friendship is possible again in the future. Right now...there is too much pain, resentment, betrayal....and time is definitely needed apart. But the friendship, the genuine care we have for one another held us together for a very long time....and that will never change. I just don't know if I can ever trust his word or intentions again after completely turning his back on me...and without the 100% trust we had, I don't know if that friendship can ever be salvaged now.
Owl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Our situation was far from the average affair...where the two people involved use all of their stolen time together to be emotionally and physically wound up in one another at every meeting. We weren't in that situation....we had almost too much time together...I saw him more than his W does. Our days were filled with conversations, work, fun, laughing...friendship. The 'benefits' happened rarely, it was not a major part of our relationship. Indeed it changed the dynamics of things, but the physical part was, overall, a very small part of 'us'. It is a long story in itself....but the stress, anger and tension that we had this summer and fall had more to do with work related problems and events than the relationship between us. Yes, the close connection we had shared made those issues much more personal and volatile, but without them - the platonic friendship that we were managing would not have been so strained. For three years, probably 90% of our interaction was physically platonic...since July, that was 99%. So right now, I guess I am trying to figure out whether the work problems or the FWB complications were the cause of things falling apart as much as they did.....and whether not working together any more would mean a friendship is possible again in the future. Right now...there is too much pain, resentment, betrayal....and time is definitely needed apart. But the friendship, the genuine care we have for one another held us together for a very long time....and that will never change. I just don't know if I can ever trust his word or intentions again after completely turning his back on me...and without the 100% trust we had, I don't know if that friendship can ever be salvaged now. I don't believe that your friendship can be salvaged...period. As I said...once the line is crossed, friendships are nearly never recoverable. Since you're doubting if it can be recovered...and the experience of most folks tends to indicate that it can't, for reasons completely external to the ones that cause you to doubt...seems to me that you already know the answer. Very probably not. Given that...what do you do next?
Author Berkley Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 It is not the crossed lines that makes me doubt whether or not we can regain the friendship. I don't believe in the theory that two people can never go back to being just friends....IF they actually started out that way. If a relationship was based purely on romantic, emotional or physical closeness, then no - you can't have a friendship again, because that's not what brought you together in the first place. Our connection grew out of friendship, not the other way around. What makes me doubt a future friendship is based on my ability to forgive the way he's handled it and treated me...his disregard for my wishes in this 'hiatus' of his.
Owl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 It is not the crossed lines that makes me doubt whether or not we can regain the friendship. I don't believe in the theory that two people can never go back to being just friends....IF they actually started out that way. If a relationship was based purely on romantic, emotional or physical closeness, then no - you can't have a friendship again, because that's not what brought you together in the first place. Our connection grew out of friendship, not the other way around. What makes me doubt a future friendship is based on my ability to forgive the way he's handled it and treated me...his disregard for my wishes in this 'hiatus' of his. OK...so...what's your next step, given your doubts?
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