What do I do if I want her back? Or should I just give up?

January 23, 2014

First Sorry for the long post

Hello, I wanted to share my story get some feedback because I have become completly lost and I struggle to handle my life right now.

My ex-fiance and I dated for 3 years, I proposed to her about 6 months ago. We were best friends 3 years before that so we have known each other for 6 years now. Our relationship was great I thought. After the break up, I have been thinking a lot about our relationship, I can see that there was a few issues. The one that stand out are being more clean on my part, because she was a very clean person, spending more time together, because of the last 5 months I had been working 2 jobs and only focused on saving money for our wedding in 2015 and to get a good Down Payment on a house. We did argue sometimes mostly over dumb things, but we were the couple that never let each other go to bed angry and we would always talk it through until we moved on from the issue. In December 2013, for the holidays we went to see her family like we usually do for Christmas. This was, I thought, the best visit so far, not only did we have fun, I also got along great with her whole family. Her grandfather passed away in the fall and I was there for her, and her family grew closer to me because of it.

We got back from the trip and for the most part I think we had a great few weeks together, almost no fights until the end (I'll get to later). We found a new TV show on Netflix (which we started watching together/separately), we started to doing fun but cheap things at home like cook new meals together, we had a small NYE party at home with just us and another couple that we were good friends with. Our sex was fun, we ran out of condoms and we were having more "daring sex" and every time we had sex I always made her reach climax (I always try to or I feel like the sex isn't as great).

Near the end we got into a really stupid fight one night, she had taken my spare phones Screen protector off to put in on her phone, and when i heard her say she was doing it I ran to her telling her to stop (in a loud voice i guess) she took it as I was yelling at her and she and I got into a heated argument and she swore at me ( we said we would stop our fights before getting to that point) so I swore back, and she shut herself in her room. After an hour maybe I went back in and we talked, I cried and told her I'm sorry and she cried and said sorry, she felt bad and panicked, she also said it probably wasn't helping that she was close to her period (she can get really bad certain months) we hugged and kissed and made up. A day went by and one day I had wanted to talk to her about our first home purchase and wanted to discuss options, she never likes to just "talk" about it but rather we plan a time to do it as it is less stressful for her, so we planed to have this discussion after work on Friday. The morning of she sent me links to our wedding plans and information of the resort. She was excited and she sent me her msgs like I miss you, kiss, etc. I called her for lunch to say hi like I usually do and we talked, I some reason brought up the house discussion early, and asked how she felt about a condo as a first home purchase, she didn't like the idea and we got into a small argument. We hung up and went on with our day, I msged her later that I was sorry for bringing it up early but I was excited, she responded with a text that said "we need to talk tonight" to which i thought was about the house discussion.

I got home and she had already left work early taking a cab instead of waiting for me to get her. She told me to sit down and talk and I noticed her ring was off.. I asked if she was breaking up with me with which she looked at me and said "yes, its over" and I started to fall apart. I looked pathetic, I cried, begged her to work it out but she went into our room and locked herself in. I tried reasoning with her and she kept saying no, when I asked for a reason she said we were "incompatible". She called her cousin to pick up up and told me she was going to go stay with her for a few nights until I calm down and we can discuss our arrangements. I calmed down a bit, called my best friend in town and he headed to pick me up to talk. When her cousin came I tried to be calm and offered to carry her bags even, said goodbye and watched her leave. Few hours later, when I was out, she msged me to call her when I got home. I got home and called and we talked, we cried, she said that after all these years she didn't want to just end it and thought it might be good to give it a few days to think maybe 5 maybe less. She told me she felt she wasn't the most important person in my life but I reassured her she was. I told her how I loved her and that I know the issues I had to work on and she said "I'm so happy to hear you say that, you are going to make me cry" we agreed that a day or two apart would help calm us down. I told her I loved her, and I think, I can't remember due to emotions she told me she loved me to.

I woke up the next day feeling better, and that at least I would have a chance to work on myself and show her I can be the man she deserves. After work I messaged to just say hi and see how she was feeling. Her reply was cold, saying she was still upset, and that she thinks its best we take the full 5 days to think about things. My heart sank and I tried to ask why 5 days all of a sudden again and she never replied. I messaged her cousin later asking for any insight which I got none simply "I want what's best for both of you".

Sunday came and I was at home being sad, and all of sudden she came home, she had thought I was working as I do usually on Sunday and she came home only to get more clothing. I tried to talk to her but she was cold again saying we aren't compatible again. Same thing as Friday basically. She even said that since her dad was coming up next weekend that I need to find a place to stay as she didn't want to cancel her plans for him because of us, red flag here because it sounded like she already made up her mind. She told me not to msg her cousin or friends as it was unfair to put them in this even though i knew them too, and warned me about my best friend as he had msged her without my knowledge to see how she was doing, she took it as some sort of sign he was trying to rebound her or something even though he just got engaged 4 months ago. She seemed just a bit crazy. She left after that. I started to talk to my friend and thought to myself that It must be frustrating for her to cab to work cuz her cousin was so far, so I offered to let her have the house and for me to stay elsewhere because I could drive.

As I msged her she msged me asking the same thing. So I did the gentleman thing and packed up a few things and left, she got dropped off after I had already left. That night she emailed me asking if I'd be interested in seeing a counsellor. I said yes of course, and she asked when would be good time. However after she sent another email saying that she would need to sleep on it actually and I asked if i should call tomorrow, she said no, she wasn't sure, she felt she may have jumped the gun, and she needs to think about and apologized for the mixed messages. I told her I thought it would be a great idea, but it was up to her, and she told me thanks but she needs to make sure she makes the right choice first and foremost.

Few days went by, I had ordered flowers on Friday night saying on the card she was the most important person in my life but she never even acknowledge she got them (her co worker told me she did), I would message her good morning and she ignored me. On Wednesday she messaged me if we could move our talk up to Thursday. I said yes, and I went to the house on my lunch break to grab a shirt for my other job. She was there, I didn't know she had the day off. She gave me my shirt not letting me walk in, and said so do you want to just get it over with now? I knew the answer already, I asked if this meant it is over. she said yes. I tried to hold back my tears, she wouldnï¿½t look at me or come near me. I asked why, and she said she was unhappy and that we weren't compatible. I had written a letter for things I wanted to say to her that day earlier and I asked if i could read it, she told me now and when I started she kept saying stop. I set the letter down and before I left I asked her to please do me the favour of reading it. I went back to work, we messaged each other talking about how to split things and how to get the utilities split and under each others name again. I tried to joke with her, after work I asked if i could grab a few things, and when I got back I tried to talk to her calmly and not about us as much. Tried to be civil, she thanked me told me it wasn't easier for her either. Somewhere in that conversation I asked her about the letter, to which she did read, she said it was frustrating, I asked "because if I had worked on these things before we might not be here now?" and she said "maybe." I tried to not break down, and I left, I said good bye.

I found a place to stay luckily to rent, she wanted the house so I gave it to her, she cut me a cheque for the new bed we just got for our 3 year anni, and said she would pay me for the couch and my Damage deposit next pay cheque. She told me she was having company over that night so she was going to use my TV. Since then I have been in constant pain, thinking about her doing online research. its been hell. I avoid contacting her but only because it hurts me to talk to her. She messaged me a few times, but each time only to ask when I was going to get my stuff. She keeps pushing me asking when I will get the rest of my things, even though there is not much left now and it would not be in her way. She took all our photos down, and I noticed she kept the letter on the coffee table.

It's been hard, I've tried to recover. I looked deep and hard into our relationship and tried to find the issues, I am trying to work on them for myself but secretly in my mind I am doing it for her I know. I started working out, sleeping early, cut down playing games time, I'm starting to talk to a counsellor. But it's all not helping really. I found out my friends GF has been talking to her, and he basically thinks that sheï¿½s is done, his GF saw her before she made it official. I'm hurt and all I can think about is if there is any hope left. After reading all this, what do you guys think? She is acting like a different person, and she's cold. Is there no hope? Can anyone offer me something?

There is not a 3rd person, we often felt cheating was the worst thing you could do, and when I did ask to clarify, she said "no eric, you should know me better than that"

I feel like its my fault that this happened and if I had just stopped and tried to look at our relationship more I could have fixed our issues. What should I do if I want her back? I'm drowning here.

I am sorry for the long post, but I don't know what else to do, thank you for taking the time to read it.

January 23, 2014

I'm sorry, I didn't read your post, I just read the heading. There isn't anything you can do to 'get her back', she needs to make that decision on her own.

Chasing her and making grand declerations will almost certainly drive her away. It's hard, but you must disregard all your instincts to pull her closer to you and instead, do nothing and let her make up her own mind.

January 23, 2014

To be honest she sounds like her decision came out of no where. She owes you an explanation of why she is ending things. Especially when you're giving up your home so she is comfortable after she dumped you. just give he space and do you in the meantime. You can't guarantee that she will be back, but its time to work on you.

January 23, 2014

To be honest she sounds like her decision came out of no where. She owes you an explanation of why she is ending things. Especially when you're giving up your home so she is comfortable after she dumped you. just give he space and do you in the meantime. You can't guarantee that she will be back, but its time to work on you.

No she doesn't. She can end a relationship for no reason, or for any reason. She doesn't owe an explaination. Them's the rules of a break up.

January 23, 2014

Dude. I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now.

Our stories are almost identical, minus the engagement..

As I was reading your story, I kept telling myself ''Uh oh, I know where this is going".. Everything in your story I can relate to.

-living together

-her telling me to get my own place

-me having to find a place

-me pleading to her that we can reslove our issues

-her changing her mind every other day about wanting to get back together

-her actually agreeing to, and then changing her mind overnight, about seeking a counselor.

-me buying her a huge stuffed animal, only for her to add it to the pile of things she packed for me to take

-me going into the place to move out my stuff only to discover EVERYTHING taken down (pictures, flowers I got her, notes, etc etc)

It sucks man. It truly sucks. 3 weeks ago today we were both looking for a bigger place to live in. Then a small fight happened, and then I was dealt the hard news. Gave it a week of trying, told her I would move mountains to get her back, only to be told over facebook chat (while I was staying at my sisters place) that she was indeed 100% done.

I immediately deleted her facebook account, and went into hardcore NC mode. It was the only thing I could do. I've been down this road before, and let me tell you.. Pleading, Begging, Crying in front of her - weeks after the news is broke DOESNT WORK.

So as I sit here typing this, it has been a hard process to deal with. She text me just yesterday saying "Oh no! You forgot your Ipad and laptop charger"... The old me would have texted her back.. But I continued no contact. She later texted my sister the same thing.. So I had my friend text her saying that he heard from my sister that I had left my iPad and charger at the old place... (I wanted her to believe that I didnt even get the message).

But as I type this, I am a hypocrite because at the end of the day, I would be ecstatic if she threw me a breadcrumb. Even a tiny little sad face icon, knowing that she misses me and is thinking about me.. But nothing. Nothing has come my way.

It is like an emotional rollercoaster. Yesterday I was fine, today I cant get her out of my mind. I ask myself questions over and over yet will never get my answer.

I want to text her or her mom so badly, however I know that is the wrong idea.

The only thing I can do, is keep moving one foot forward by continuing NC.

Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel bud

January 23, 2014

I'm sorry to say it, but this sounds like the usual BS. My guess is:

1. She has become attracted to some other dude. She would never cheat on you, but she really likes the attention.

2. Every time you raise your voice or do something that irritates her, she is reminded that there's another guy who is always nice and funny around her.

3. She's starting to feel guilt, so she blames you instead. If you had been more nice to her, she wouldn't have thought so much about the other dude.

4. Finally, she starts looking for a reason to break up.

I'm not saying that she's dating this guy, but I'm pretty sure that there's another guy involved in some way. Don't believe her BS. I'm 99% sure this would have happened no matter what you did.

January 23, 2014

I'm sorry to say it, but this sounds like the usual BS. My guess is:

1. She has become attracted to some other dude. She would never cheat on you, but she really likes the attention.

2. Every time you raise your voice or do something that irritates her, she is reminded that there's another guy who is always nice and funny around her.

3. She's starting to feel guilt, so she blames you instead. If you had been more nice to her, she wouldn't have thought so much about the other dude.

4. Finally, she starts looking for a reason to break up.

I'm not saying that she's dating this guy, but I'm pretty sure that there's another guy involved in some way. Don't believe her BS. I'm 99% sure this would have happened no matter what you did.

Maybe, but I'm not bothered by that, Im quite confident in thinking there was no one else. She used tell me her day all the time and she kept me around that I knew what was going on. We never tried to hid our phones or anything or do anything shady. So another guy doesnt seem likely weither its feelings or not or actual cheating. But maybe im wrong. I'd rather know that though so then I can put this to rest.

January 23, 2014

Dude. I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now.

Our stories are almost identical, minus the engagement..

As I was reading your story, I kept telling myself ''Uh oh, I know where this is going".. Everything in your story I can relate to.

-living together

-her telling me to get my own place

-me having to find a place

-me pleading to her that we can reslove our issues

-her changing her mind every other day about wanting to get back together

-her actually agreeing to, and then changing her mind overnight, about seeking a counselor.

-me buying her a huge stuffed animal, only for her to add it to the pile of things she packed for me to take

-me going into the place to move out my stuff only to discover EVERYTHING taken down (pictures, flowers I got her, notes, etc etc)

It sucks man. It truly sucks. 3 weeks ago today we were both looking for a bigger place to live in. Then a small fight happened, and then I was dealt the hard news. Gave it a week of trying, told her I would move mountains to get her back, only to be told over facebook chat (while I was staying at my sisters place) that she was indeed 100% done.

I immediately deleted her facebook account, and went into hardcore NC mode. It was the only thing I could do. I've been down this road before, and let me tell you.. Pleading, Begging, Crying in front of her - weeks after the news is broke DOESNT WORK.

So as I sit here typing this, it has been a hard process to deal with. She text me just yesterday saying "Oh no! You forgot your Ipad and laptop charger"... The old me would have texted her back.. But I continued no contact. She later texted my sister the same thing.. So I had my friend text her saying that he heard from my sister that I had left my iPad and charger at the old place... (I wanted her to believe that I didnt even get the message).

But as I type this, I am a hypocrite because at the end of the day, I would be ecstatic if she threw me a breadcrumb. Even a tiny little sad face icon, knowing that she misses me and is thinking about me.. But nothing. Nothing has come my way.

It is like an emotional rollercoaster. Yesterday I was fine, today I cant get her out of my mind. I ask myself questions over and over yet will never get my answer.

I want to text her or her mom so badly, however I know that is the wrong idea.

The only thing I can do, is keep moving one foot forward by continuing NC.

Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel bud

I am trying NC but I have heard mixed opinions about it. Plus she does msg me but only to tell me to get rid of my things. If i had a way to get everything maybe I can do full NC. But right now I am just going through a tough time. Its affecting my work and everything. I dont know what to do other than try to work through the greif, I am glad that I will be seing a therapist next week. hopefully it will help me.

January 23, 2014

Curious as to what you mixed opinions you are hearing about NC.

If you enforce hardcore NC, and they truly TRULY TRULY realize they made a mistake, they will come banging down doors to talk to you.

Small little texts like asking about stuff you left, or other little small talk doesn't merit a response from you. You will just keep opening up that scar, only to get hurt again. Remember - she ended things. You can't change that.

January 24, 2014

Two key points for you:

a) The way she broke up with you, being indifferent and cold, the moment they go into this phase its pretty hard to fix the broken vase. My ex gf said pretty similar things, at first its always crying together. Then asking for time, then taking time to "think things over" and then you have no idea whats going on during the two weeks, its like torture, and after two weeks you can get the coldest front from them ever. They've detached. Anyways the coldness is due to them just losing respect for you. Can't go back man.

b) Not worth trying to fix something like this, don't even bother with "trying" to get her back, it'll be futile efforts, either you dwell on this for ages, days, months and realize at the end of the day the time you spent before with her is gone. Just give up.

No point reconciling.

January 24, 2014

Pickflicker...

I do think after six years of knowing each other, she should give him an honest explanation of what happened. They were engaged, living together, making wedding plans, and seeking to buy a house together.

Just because you change your mind, it doesn't absolve you from acting in a decent and fair way. You still have a responsibility to act with integrity even if you decide not to be with another person and give a fair explanation. Six months...maybe. Not after three years in the middle of big plans.

Obviously, you can't force someone to behave in a compassionate and fair manner but it certainly doesn't mean that her behavior is justified or that he doesn't deserve more then this cold exit. It is just selfish behavior to not have to deal with the repercussions her actions have caused you.

I am sorry. Better now then at the alter or after the wedding. It sucks. Don't blame yourself over it. You can't have a relationship where both don't want it.

January 24, 2014

Pickflicker...

I do think after six years of knowing each other, she should give him an honest explanation of what happened. They were engaged, living together, making wedding plans, and seeking to buy a house together.

Just because you change your mind, it doesn't absolve you from acting in a decent and fair way. You still have a responsibility to act with integrity even if you decide not to be with another person and give a fair explanation. Six months...maybe. Not after three years in the middle of big plans.

Obviously, you can't force someone to behave in a compassionate and fair manner but it certainly doesn't mean that her behavior is justified or that he doesn't deserve more then this cold exit. It is just selfish behavior to not have to deal with the repercussions her actions have caused you.

I am sorry. Better now then at the alter or after the wedding. It sucks. Don't blame yourself over it. You can't have a relationship where both don't want it.

She probably does not even know. You could ask her 6 months from now and it would be different.

It really does not matter in the end. She is done and all you can do is accept, honor her wish and move on.

January 24, 2014

She probably does not even know. You could ask her 6 months from now and it would be different.

It really does not matter in the end. She is done and all you can do is accept, honor her wish and move on.

Yep. This.

January 24, 2014

trust me when I say I want to move on but it isn't working. Infact, there is no point for me to lie here, all that is keeping me going day to day is thinking that she will call me up eventually to talk things out. Today I felt sick to my stomach because I got transfered to a new position, and normally it would be something great and positive to share, but I no longer have her anymore. Her encouragment and friendship, it really hit me how much I miss her.

Infact the only thing that keeps going today is her best friend was talking to me, and said that "I'm not to sure, I wouldn't say she moved on persay" when I told her I couldnt believe she moved on so quickly.

Can someone just invent that men in black memory gizmo and just erase her from my head? I can't deal with this right now.

January 24, 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can imagine your pain.

Take time to really nuture yourself. Talk to friends, a counselor, pamper yourself.

I hate to say this, because who the hell wants to hear it, but you will slowly feel better with time.

We are with you lionheart.

January 24, 2014

Early days friend. Read around the posts here. She is gone but you are not. You will slowly come through this.

trust me when I say I want to move on but it isn't working. Infact, there is no point for me to lie here, all that is keeping me going day to day is thinking that she will call me up eventually to talk things out. Today I felt sick to my stomach because I got transfered to a new position, and normally it would be something great and positive to share, but I no longer have her anymore. Her encouragment and friendship, it really hit me how much I miss her.

Infact the only thing that keeps going today is her best friend was talking to me, and said that "I'm not to sure, I wouldn't say she moved on persay" when I told her I couldnt believe she moved on so quickly.

Can someone just invent that men in black memory gizmo and just erase her from my head? I can't deal with this right now.

January 24, 2014

Yeah, it sucks when you're just starting out in all this and all you hear is "time heals all wounds", "it gets better in time"....I know, I hate it. But, its the truth. You have to focus and put your attention towards yourself. You need to make yourself the center of your world now...not her.

January 24, 2014

Recently I have been talking to one of her best friends, I started before the official day she broke with me, and yes I did ask her friend if she knew what was going on through my ex's head. After though I avoided talking to her friend about my ex, and simply just chatted and letting her know how I was doing, she was just a good person and would check in with me to see how I was doing. However last night I did ask how my ex was doing and when I was told shes doing well I mentioned that I couldn't believe how easy it was for her to move on, her friend said "Im not to sure I wouldn't say shes moved on persay". I didnt follow up the discussion but I could feel as if I saw a light (bad idea) her friend then did ask if it was ok to tell my ex we were talking because she felt bad if she hid it, I said yes, without really thinking.

Today I had a mental break down at work, because I had been transfered to a new position and I felt happy at first for the mini promotion and then realized that the person I loved and would share this great news with was no longer there, and so were the words of encouragement she used to always have for me when I felt nervous or scared (which I do at my new position) I broke down and msged her friend that I missed her so much, and she simply said itll get better. I tried not to press my luck after and did not mention my ex again.Just happy a friend is looking out for me. However my ex msged me asking me to not txt or talk to her friends regarding us, as she would not go behind my back to that to my friends, and that she was not sure what I was hoping to gain from this. I felt really hurt and shocked again for how she treated me, and was about to tell her that I meant no harm and wasn't trying to gain anything other than dealing with my grief but then just stopped and went NC and ignored her text for now.

So I know its pointless to say or ask "what do I do to get her back" and maybe I am realizing that if it was meant to be it will be. That I should work on myself not for her but for me to be a better person, and I am trying to learn to teach myself that it is for me and not her. I am looking forward to see the therapist this coming monday as I hope I can get some help finding closure within. But can anyone suggest things to do, advice or even some insight on what happened? Thoughts? talking and sharing seem to help me feel better and of course words of encouragement have done wonders. Finally, what should I do on getting the rest of my things back and my money back from her? Should I ask a clsoe friend to grab it for me? or wait for her to be working and grab them while I still have my keys? I really want to do just hardcore NC because it will be fore me and not some trick to get her to "miss me" but it seems harder than I thought. Plus I can seem to take it to myself to delete her FB instragram and what not and every now and then when i am alone I look at it as if to clarify that shes happy without me.

January 24, 2014

Sorry man, but you HAVE to I repeat HAVE to start the detaching process.

That includes:

-returning her keys ASAP

-removing her from all forms of social media

-figuring out the best way to collect your belonging (I would have a friend do it)

-go NO CONTACT hardcore

It's gonna suck man. There is no doubt about that. I am in the same boat. I feel just like you. I know EXACTLY what's running through your mind.

But the fact of the matter is : for some reason she has decided to remove you from her life. You have to start No Contact and follow it to a T or else stuff like this is going to happen.

I bet you feel like you just got kicked in the stomach with how she responded to you about chatting with her friends, huh? Well it's only gonna get worse if you keep pushing her buttons. Start healing, and if she wants you back, you will know. But please for your own sanity - don't expect anything from her by going No Contact. I am sorry Like I said. I am in your same boat.

January 24, 2014

and don't talk to her friends. That was a bad move. I think part of you did it because you wanted it to get back to your ex...you wanted her to know you were thinking about her. So, from here on out...don't talk to anyone about the ex that may talk to her about it.

January 24, 2014

and don't talk to her friends. That was a bad move. I think part of you did it because you wanted it to get back to your ex...you wanted her to know you were thinking about her. So, from here on out...don't talk to anyone about the ex that may talk to her about it.

Seriously.

I talked to a mutual friend about what was going on (someone I met before meeting my ex), but a whole lotta stuff got back to her. Yes, I wanted my ex back...but mostly I wanted to talk to someone that knew both of us...someone who could "help" me understand.

Dumb move on my part. My ex knew I still thought of her and that I was upset for the month following the breakup. She wanted to be a part of my life, but didn't want the awkwardness of contacting me...so she got all she needed to wean herself off me while I stayed heartbroken and lost.

Mutual friends (and especially HER friends) are off limits. If you talk to them to be friendly, your ex needs to be a taboo topic. Avoid it.

Avoid those friends if you need to.

January 25, 2014

Yeah, a stupid move I did also.

I read your posts and I see you are a mess.

I wouldn't be in your shoes.

I say this because, today is a month of NC for me.

It does get better!

Stay vigilant

January 25, 2014

Thanks for the kind words. However some more things came up after hearing from someone. My friends gf who she has been talking to with also said that a family member triggered it. She was telling the person how stressed she was about buying a house and stuff and all he said was "are you sure its the house your stressed about?" And she "suddenly" realized I was the problem and that she wanted to leave me. Again its odd because she has always been a rationale person. Odd she made a light switch decision that ended our relationship all together. But what is even more odd is that she keeps being mean to me my friend thinks that she's purposely trying to push me away and to convince herself that she made the right decision. I unno its all more confusing. I think its best I move on. She called me today but I missed it and never called her back. It was really annoying

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