kelseamae Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I have been dating my boyfriend for about two years now.....it will be two years next month actually.....anyway when we first got together he said he was married. No biggie for me at all. I knew that it could change at anytime and he could go back to his wife and I was ok with that. Well it all went to crap with his wife and he said its over and said he was filing for divorce and they both agreed to it. Well here we are 2 years later and he still isn't divorced. doesn't talk to his wife at all and hasn't talked to her since he said he was filing for divorce. He has the papers and everything all ready to go but hasn't turned them in and I asked him why he was so hesitant on turning them in and he said im not we just don't have the money. we have actually had the money for a while he just wont do it. what should I do about this. I have even asked him if he wanted me to turn them in and he gets all defensive about it and im not sure what to do. He never communicates with me but maybe through text and that's hardly ever. All im looking for is some advice to know what I should do.
Ronni_W Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 He sounds like bad news all-around. Are you sure you're willing to settle for a guy who doesn't communicate with you? And that's besides the fact he is still married and won't be an adult about that, either. If this was your best friend or younger sister or cousin, what guidance or advice would you offer her?
iris219 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You weren't concerned at all that he was still married when you first started dating? People who want to get divorced do it. It sounds like he may be one or more of the following: 1. Lazy 2. Avoidant when it comes to stressful and/or emotional issues 3. Has no plans to remarry so he figures it doesn't matter Since it doesn't sound like he has any money to lose in the divorce, I can't understand why he wouldn't just do it, especially since he knows you want him to. Ignoring how you feel about the issue is not alright. If this issue is really important to you, break up with him until he files the darn papers and is granted a divorce. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 The truth is that you, unfortunately, cannot do anything about this but decide whether or not you want to continue dating someone who still has attachments to his wife. Only he can decide when and if he is ready to file. My best friend was in a similar situation. Her boyfriend was married (but freshly separated) when they they met. Six years later and he still hasn't filed. Best part? They are now engaged. Yes, my best friend is engaged to a married man. He too has made many excuses - not enough money, no time to visit the lawyer, etc. etc. It's a bunch of horsesh*t. There are still emotional attachments that he - and your boyfriend - aren't yet willing to sever. You need to speak about this openly and very frankly. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you're not ok with this. Ask him to be honest and tell you the real reason he's so hesitant to get divorced. Then decide for yourself if you accept his reasoning or if it's time to move on. 1
FitChick Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 He never communicates with me but maybe through text and that's hardly ever. So you never even see him in person? Even if he got a divorce he would most likely dump you since you are his Transitional Woman. The woman he used as a bridge to leave his marriage. The next woman will be the serious partner or he may just decide he doesn't want to be tied down and screw around. This is why you shouldn't date anyone divorced less than two years.
Author kelseamae Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 We live together and we have known each other for a while and stopped talking to each other because of his wife. I talk to him and tell him how I feel but he doesn't listen or respond to me. Hes had feelings for me for a while but never got the courage to tell me and then went off and got married. When they separate we started talking again for about a year before we he decided he wanted to date me. I love him very much and he says he loves me too but hes just so ssecretive about things and he knows how I feel about it
Phantom888 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 He's a cheating lying man. He doesn't want to be divorced, that's it. He doesn't see you important enough to make a major life change.
MidwestUSA Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 You live together but don't talk to each other? I'm thoroughly confused now. 6
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 I'll give you some perspective from someone who went through a divorce and didn't file papers for a couple of years. My exH cheated on me and when I found out- we broke up immediately. We sold our house and went our separate ways. There was never any going back for us- no chance of reconciliation- but we waited a long while to file. I dated in the meantime- nothing serious, and I was always upfront that I was separated and not looking to get seriously involved with anyone. I probably didn't fully acknowledge at the time how much of a mess I was emotionally. My exH jumped into a relationship with the OW right away, and I just drifted, dating casually. I dated a few guys that demanded I get divorced, but the truth was- I felt that was between my exH and myself and I resented being told what to do. We didn't wait to divorce because there was a hope of getting back together- it was just an arduous process we both avoided because it was a pain in the butt- and money was a bit of a factor as well. He wanted to get married again so we jointly filed and did it amicably. He's happy now with 3 kids and I wish him the best. All I can tell you is that you can't make someone do something they aren't ready to do. He may not be ready for a variety of reasons- those reasons aren't necessarily sinister. In my case, both my exH and I were lazy about it. Neither of us held off because we held onto feelings or wanted to leave the door open to reconcile. I don't know what the issue with your guy is. All I know is the decision to start the process is his decision and his alone. 1
rosedl Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 People often stay married to avoid commitment in their new relationships. Or, they have unresolved attachment issues with their estranged spouse. My ex was a long separated married man (7 years living apart) and I thought that since he bought his own home and he openly introduced me to family and friends and his daughter, it was just a matter of time. I really thought it was just financial. It wasn't. He still had big attachments to the farm they built together, wanted to participate with his daughter (she lived up there - she was grown) as well as the financial complications. Total commitment phobe (even in his marriage, he allowed another man to move in with his wife/him/daughter, outsourced intimacy so he could fly airplanes, be involved with semi-professional sports, and globe trot for work). People who don't divorce over long periods don't want to divorce. I never date anyone who isn't divorced (even if they are separated) again. No thank you. They are not available. I truly didn't understand the situation with my boyfriend at the beginning. Now. Never....ever....again. 2
ThatMan Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 No biggie for me at all. I knew that it could change at anytime and he could go back to his wife and I was ok with that. Why do you need to do anything at all? What are we missing here? If you feel comfortable with this arrangement then you may continue doing exactly what you'd like.
MissBee Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 (edited) People often stay married to avoid commitment in their new relationships. Or, they have unresolved attachment issues with their estranged spouse. My ex was a long separated married man (7 years living apart) and I thought that since he bought his own home and he openly introduced me to family and friends and his daughter, it was just a matter of time. I really thought it was just financial. It wasn't. He still had big attachments to the farm they built together, wanted to participate with his daughter (she lived up there - she was grown) as well as the financial complications. Total commitment phobe (even in his marriage, he allowed another man to move in with his wife/him/daughter, outsourced intimacy so he could fly airplanes, be involved with semi-professional sports, and globe trot for work). People who don't divorce over long periods don't want to divorce. I never date anyone who isn't divorced (even if they are separated) again. No thank you. They are not available. I truly didn't understand the situation with my boyfriend at the beginning. Now. Never....ever....again. THIS! Available is also emotionally available and ready to truly create an open and forward-moving relationship. If a man is separated but doesn't want to get a divorce, gets defensive when it's brought up and is secretive with you about it, he has no interest in being divorced and is still attached to being married, for whatever reason. The biggest issue is that you guys are living together and don't even communicate and as someone else has mentioned you all lack the fundamental qualities required to have a healthy relationship. If he doesn't communicate with you you don't have a relationship. Also, I don't think you should have moved in together before he even got a divorce...I wouldn't have done that. Do you even know how "things "went to shyyt" with his wife? Meaning, did he leave on his own with a plan or did she kick him out and he had nowhere to go and started living with you? The latter unfortunately happens sometimes where a MM gets kicked out and takes up with the OW by default but isn't 100% committed to the situation. Based on what you've said I'm worried he might be such a guy, as usually a man with a plan who isn't kicked out has planned to divorce and will do so, while one who finds himself served will be less proactive about finalizing things. Tell him you need more transparency, openness and communication from him and you need him to get a divorce and if that doesn't happen you cannot continue the relationship. Edited January 24, 2014 by MissBee 1
Eggplant Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 All I can tell you is that you can't make someone do something they aren't ready to do. He may not be ready for a variety of reasons- those reasons aren't necessarily sinister. In my case, both my exH and I were lazy about it. Neither of us held off because we held onto feelings or wanted to leave the door open to reconcile. I don't know what the issue with your guy is. All I know is the decision to start the process is his decision and his alone.Not being ready is the MM's prerogative. At the same time, it's unreasonable to expect a woman to commit to him before he's divorced. She should break up with him. 1
Author kelseamae Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Commitment, trust, communication and boundaries are the bedrock for a long-term relationship. With all due respect, it sounds like you are hoping to build a future on some pretty shaky ground right now- considering none of those elements seem to be in play. You'll need a lot more than feelings of love to weather life's storms. I'm not trying to be harsh, based on the stories that have been shared on this thread, I'm just concerned that you're setting yourself up for a lot hurt. Thank you for being concerned but I really do love this man and that's the last thing I want is to be hurt and I didn't find that harsh at all. The last thing I want to be is hurt
Author kelseamae Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 MissBee- he left on his own. she cheated and lied to him multiple times about it and she had done that once before and they tried to fix the marriage then she went and cheated again and then he had enough from her and lying just didn't stop so he left on his own. like I said before we have known each other for awhile but his wife made us stop talking then when he came back we reconnected and he asked me out and one thing led to another then he said he always loved me and always wanted a relationship with me but didn't say anything so he wanted to make a commitment with me and I had agreed
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