Berkley Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Who is judging? I gave you advice on how to distract yourself from focusing on your affair partner. In fact...probably a very effective method, if you try it. It wasn't judgemental...I didn't say a thing about you personally. I simply pointed out to you what a likely outcome of your actions will be...and focusing on that is a great distraction away from the enjoyment and pleasure of the affair. It's a good way to keep yourself from wanting to call him tonight...just picture to yourself what your husband will feel when the truth comes out. Nothing judgemental with the advice I offered. I don't have a husband, thanks for the advice though. And if you truly don't think you're comments to the OP were judgemental, you keep believing that. I don't buy it.
Owl Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 We'll have to agree to disagree...telling her to remember that she's married and envision her H sitting on the bed crying is not supportive advice...it's judgemental. On the contrary...it's advice offered with the intent to help her meet her short term goal of not focusing on her affair partner, and with the longer term goal of supporting her to a resolution of the situation. Just because it's not the advice that she (or anyone else) wanted to hear, or made them happy/comfortable, doesn't mean that it's not supportive. 6
Owl Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Who is judging? I gave you advice on how to distract yourself from focusing on your affair partner. In fact...probably a very effective method, if you try it. It wasn't judgemental...I didn't say a thing about you personally. I simply pointed out to you what a likely outcome of your actions will be...and focusing on that is a great distraction away from the enjoyment and pleasure of the affair. It's a good way to keep yourself from wanting to call him tonight...just picture to yourself what your husband will feel when the truth comes out. Nothing judgemental with the advice I offered. Aplogies...I confused you and the OP. However...my comment as to whether or not YOU find my advice supportive or not still stands. If you don't like my advice, please look to the bottom right of your screen for the "ignore" feature. I shan't be offended.
Berkley Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 True...and having forgotten that you are married, I'd offer you an alternative distraction. Focus on your husband, on your marriage. . Pretty sure she knows that she's married....really.
RickFox Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Oh Owl, you're wasting your time with this one. Until D Day happens, which I can guarantee it will, she won't care. Cheaters don't think about the pain they cause because they don't think they'll get caught. I didn't think I'd get caught either, but it happened. Amen! Quoted for truth! 3
psm04 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 OP, just curious. Do you think he's reaching out all of a sudden and casually giving you hints etc in order to get you to either not go to the event or leave early because his wife is also going to be there, and he's afraid? My xAP played this crap once. He sent me a nice email to which I responded, and then he "casually" told me that he (and his family) would be at an event that I was also going to be at that weekend. His conflict avoidant paranoia was acting up that day. It was so obvious, and I never responded to that. I decided to let him stew and worry over it all weekend long, wondering whether they were going to run into me. Have you responded to him? I know you don't want to hear us say to not have the affair and such, but regardless of all that, you shouldn't let anyone change your plans on something that you were really looking forward to. And people who truly care would know that and would leave you and your plans alone. 1
Learningtoletgo Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Hi Haley, Reading your words brings me right back to my affair. My year long affair with my mm was insanely intense (sexually) and after sleeping with him only once, I was totally addicted. I felt just like you. We worked hard to not get emotionally attached and we never changed our plans for our affair. However, as much as we tried, we were tremendously addicted and I will admit (although I never did to him) I knew that I was becoming attached. Although I told him that we should never change our plans for the affair, and that we should meet when it happens naturally not forced, there was 2 times when I was put in a similar predicament as you, and in the end i made sure to change my plans in a way so that we could meet up...and was it worth it? Well, there is no denying the sex/ hookups were always amazing, exciting, intense. But in the end, I wish I didn't. Because of our insane connection, we ended it (basically mutually) because it scared the crap out of us. Now we are 5 months nc. We were not caught. Now, those crazy, intense moments are rarely on my mind. What is on my mind much more is the guilt I feel for what I did to my family and his. My advice to you (although you may already be out enjoying your night) is to do what you said. I know how hard it is to say no (I couldn't either) so just pretend you didn't get the message until later. The less contact you have, the easier it is to keep your feelings in check. That's what I did and it worked....for a while. 1
Anne Boleyn Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 If this was something about you, for you, that you were looking forward to... Go and enjoy yourself. The thing I'm seeing here is a guy who's playing games. He doesn't tell you to come over, only that he'll be alone. If his wife is going to this thing, then he knows you're supposed to go too, he knows that to get you to leave means that he's got some sort of influence on you, so his ego is being fed twice, both with the driving you to come at just being told he's alone and at getting you to leave the event. What I'm seeing here is a guy who's needing to tinkle or get off the pot. You're all in, but he can't even tell you he wants to see you, just leaves you to infer it and come over. He's leaving himself an out for the day he gets caught... He didn't tell you to come, you just came, he couldn't help himself... He's setting you up to take the bullet alone on this one. And if he was even a little interested in you, he'd know getting you to ditch this thing that's important to you would be something he can't and shouldn't ask for. I see a guy who's taking you for a ride... Proceed with caution. 2
Author hayleym Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 I did not leave the event much earlier than planned but I did meet up with OM. I don't regret it. But I do need to figure out my feelings.
wasntlooking Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Learnngtoletgo Your post sounds just like mine and i would like to talk to you more about our situations. I just recently joined so im not sure if i csn message you. Would love to talk to someone who has been in same spot as me. Hayley, i hope all turns out well for you. I endee it with my MM. Best and worst thing I did. Its so hard but you have to be strong.
Learningtoletgo Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Hi Wasntlooking, It is good to hear that people are going through similar situations, just because I do not feel as alone. I'm pretty new to posting also, so I'm not sure if I can pm either! But I would love discuss further! I don't have much support in my real life because I can tell anyone. Hopefully, somehow we can connect 1
wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I dont think i can pm either. But would love to chat somehow too. I dont have people to talk to about this yet either. I csn send u an email address? Not sure if thats allowed.
wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Doesnt look like we csn exchange email addresses....im going to start a new thread maybe we can chat there.....
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