jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I am 29 and have been dating a 40 year old guy who has been legally separated from his wife since July 2013, were in separate bedrooms since November 2012, and are moving towards divorce (he married in Virginia, which requires a one-year minimum legal separation before divorce can be filed). His wife is also 40, they've been married 10 years, and have a 3 year old son. I met him online. In the beginning, I told him that I didn't want to be exclusive with him unless his divorce was moving along. At the time, he told me that he was meeting with his wife and a divorce mediator in two weeks, which is today, to go over a draft of the Property Settlement Agreement, which is like a blueprint for the actual divorce papers. I felt at the time, this was an acceptable answer and thought it was all I needed to feel safe in entering an exclusive relationship with him. But a couple days ago, we had a serious discussion about today's meeting in which he revealed to me that he has been dragging his feet about preparing for the meeting, procrastinating, and basically trying not to think about it, because he doesn't want to agree to the divorce and ruin his son's life. If I had known he was so against the divorce, I would have stopped dating him. But by now, we've already slept together and discussed many personal things with each other, and I feel like I can't break up now because I've already made a commitment. It bothers me that he is dragging his feet about the divorce, and on top of that he doesn't seem to be over his ex-wife, though she is clearly seeing someone new, and was already online dating before he even moved out of their condo. For example, one time his wife was late picking up his son, and I was coming over to his place. Had I arrived on time, I would have run into her, and it would have been awkward, so I expressed my annoyance at her being late. But when I did this, he said, "Any negative feelings you have about our situation should be directed at me, not at her, because you don't know her, and this is between me and her, not you and her," and it made me feel like he was trying to protect her from me, like the two of them are still a unit, and I'm still the outsider; and that he is prioritizing her feelings over mine. I don't know where I stand in his life. We spend so much time together, and he treats me very well, and I'm happy in the relationship. Except when it comes to this. Last night he went to his wife's place (the condo they shared together with their son) to visit his son for a bit, and he didn't come back until 11pm. I usually talk on the phone with him around 9pm, but none of my texts to him were answered until 11pm, when he said he just got home and wasn't in the mood to talk. I suspect he was at his wife's place for so long because they were discussing details of today's meeting, but I am hurt that he didn't want to tell me about it. It seemed like his discussion with her didn't go well and that's why he wasn't in the mood to talk. I called him this morning before we both went to work, and he avoided discussion about the night before and the missed phone call, and I didn't bring it up either because I was afraid of upsetting him by being so nosy. I'm not sure how to handle all this. It is a complicated situation, and yet I don't want to just break up and leave. I really like this guy and I do see a future with him. But I wonder if he sees the same with me when he seems to still hold a torch for his wife (who is driving all of the separation and divorce proceedings, and was the one who asked for a divorce). We had a discussion about my expectations when we were entering into an exclusive relationship, and I told him that I want to be married and to have kids in less than 5 years from now, and he said that's what he wants too (to be remarried and have another kid). Should I confront him about all this? (I already have and he gets very annoyed every time I do, but still patiently answers all my questions and doubts.) Should I just shut up and be more understanding of his situation, and continue with the relationship to see what happens? I know a lot of people out there think that you should never date anyone who is separated because you're just asking for drama. But I feel that everyone is different, and just because you're separating doesn't mean you can't also have a serious relationship with someone new. So please don't leave comments saying, "You should have known what you were getting yourself into." The thing is, I tried to ask him a lot of questions to see whether he was actually emotionally available. I think he is, but I'm not sure. Have any of you been in a similar situation? What should I do from here on out to make sure we stay together and actually build a serious, meaningful relationship that hopefully leads to marriage and kid(s)? Thanks!
CarrieT Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I have been there and the guy ended up reuniting with his wife - after we dated for several months. Consequently, MANY of us will heartily recommend not dating *anyone* who isn't 100% available. Separated means diddly - they are still married. Walk away from this guy and tell him to call you when/if he has a divorce settlement and has had enough time alone to be ready to date - 'cuz he certainly is not ready now and you are suffering for it. 2
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) he revealed to me that he has been dragging his feet about preparing for the meeting, procrastinating, and basically trying not to think about it, because he doesn't want to agree to the divorce and ruin his son's life. Well, that's a bit of a joke isn't it? His son's mother is seeing someone else, he has moved out and is seeing someone else. How will getting a divorce ruin his son's life? At this point it seems they are effectively split up already. I suspect he was at his wife's place for so long because they were discussing details of today's meeting, but I am hurt that he didn't want to tell me about it. It seemed like his discussion with her didn't go well and that's why he wasn't in the mood to talk. I called him this morning before we both went to work, and he avoided discussion about the night before and the missed phone call, and I didn't bring it up either because I was afraid of upsetting him by being so nosy. Well quite. The details of his divorce negotiations are nothing to do with you. You need to take a step back here. His wife sees you as the interfering new gf. he seems to still hold a torch for his wife That is really something only you can determine, I guess. If you think that is the case then I think you need to withdraw. Maybe tell him you'd like to take a break until the legal side of his divorce is all taken care of. So please don't leave comments saying, "You should have known what you were getting yourself into." Sorry, but you should have known what you were getting yourself into. You can't just jump into a lion's den and then say you didn't expect the lion to bite. Now maybe you're not going to get your head bitten off here but maybe you are. You can't deny that you took a massive risk by getting involved with a separated man, and that you thought there wouldn't be any drama. Come on this is real life. Getting involved with a separated man is HIGH RISK. Maybe you'll be lucky and everything will be fine... but as you're finding out, maybe not. I tried to ask him a lot of questions to see whether he was actually emotionally available. I think he is, but I'm not sure. Yet just a few paragraphs ago you said you think he still hold a torch for his wife? Which is it?? Yes I think you should definitely tell him that you want to go on a break until all his legalities are sorted out. Edited January 23, 2014 by PegNosePete
central Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You come across as too possessive. He is in the process of divorce, and keeping things amiable goes a long way towards both preventing problems and keeping things on schedule. It's not YOUR divorce, though you do have an interest in the outcome, of course. Other than overall status or hearing about significant glitches, you really don't a need or right to know more. On the negative side, you are a rebound relationship. Often those do not work out - on the other hand, they often do. It really depends on the two people, and what they want and need - especially him as his divorce comes closer to finality. My divorce took over seven years. My ex was both greedy and bipolar, so kept derailing the process. The best strategy was to wait her out - which eventually worked to my advantage. My gf stayed with me through nearly seven years of this, and we got married right after my divorce was - finally! - final.
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Yet just a few paragraphs ago you said you think he still hold a torch for his wife? Which is it?? Yes I think you should definitely tell him that you want to go on a break until all his legalities are sorted out. At the beginning of the relationship, I asked him whether he wanted the same things I do, which are marriage and kids in less than five years, and he said yes. He also showed signs of being emotionally available, like talking to me on the phone every night for at least an hour, planning dates and going on them with me, and other little thoughtful things that people do for each other when dating. HOWEVER, in the past couple days (we were shut in together at his place for two days for the holiday and a snow day) through my personal observations and through discussions with him, it sounds like he still holds a torch for his ex, and maybe even wonders about calling the whole divorce off and trying to reconcile with her. The reason why I said that I didn't really know what I was getting myself into, is because I feel he did a great job of hiding how he *really* felt about the divorce from me. He knew that if I knew he was conflicted about it, I'd stop dating him. When I met him, it seemed like the divorce didn't bother him much, if at all. But now after spending more time with him, discussing it more in depth, it seems that he is very conflicted and unhappy about it all. I'm afraid to ask for a break because I don't think we would get back together after that. He will just get back online and find someone new - and what if it works out in the long run with her? I know I will have wished that I had given him the benefit of the doubt and stuck it out with him. Part of me thinks that if I just be patient, I'll get what I want. The other part of me thinks that I am making a big mistake by staying with him while he is going through such a tough, complicated time. But I don't want to be that woman that leaves her man just when he needs her most.
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 You come across as too possessive. He is in the process of divorce, and keeping things amiable goes a long way towards both preventing problems and keeping things on schedule. It's not YOUR divorce, though you do have an interest in the outcome, of course. Other than overall status or hearing about significant glitches, you really don't a need or right to know more. On the negative side, you are a rebound relationship. Often those do not work out - on the other hand, they often do. It really depends on the two people, and what they want and need - especially him as his divorce comes closer to finality. My divorce took over seven years. My ex was both greedy and bipolar, so kept derailing the process. The best strategy was to wait her out - which eventually worked to my advantage. My gf stayed with me through nearly seven years of this, and we got married right after my divorce was - finally! - final. May I ask how old you and your now-wife are? I cannot wait 7 years - I'm 29 and I want biological children without having to use IVF or anything else like that. I don't mind waiting one or two years for things to sort themselves out, but I feel like the difference in this case (compared to yours) is that he doesn't seem to want to get divorced. May I ask what your girlfriend did during the beginning of your relationship (while you were going through the divorce, and waiting things out with your ex) that you really appreciated? I want to give my boyfriend privacy when it comes to the divorce, but I also want him to know that I am supportive and that I'm here to talk if he needs me (although he never takes me up on this when it comes to the divorce details). Should I just stop asking questions about the divorce completely?
soccerrprp Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I think it a shame that states require insane time requirements before divorces can be finalized. It prevents people form moving on and, in a way, encourages adultery. I would try not to invest too much emotional time/energy. The risks are reasonable that he may return to his ex or afterwards, enjoy his freedom and move on from you. It's clear that you are not religious, but you are having, legally, an adulterous affair with a man that is legally bound to his wife. Messy. Good luck. Prepare for more pain.
soccerrprp Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 At the beginning of the relationship, I asked him whether he wanted the same things I do, which are marriage and kids in less than five years, and he said yes. He also showed signs of being emotionally available, like talking to me on the phone every night for at least an hour, planning dates and going on them with me, and other little thoughtful things that people do for each other when dating. HOWEVER, in the past couple days (we were shut in together at his place for two days for the holiday and a snow day) through my personal observations and through discussions with him, it sounds like he still holds a torch for his ex, and maybe even wonders about calling the whole divorce off and trying to reconcile with her. Oh, snap! You've got clear troubles! Just him talking about getting married again and having more children before his current divorce is even complete are RED flags! Nevermind still having feeling for his wife....
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'm afraid to ask for a break because I don't think we would get back together after that. He will just get back online and find someone new Well if that is the case then he obviously doesn't give 2 short ships about you anyway, does he? Look anyone can go online and get another person any time they like. If he wants someone else then he doesn't need to wait for you to dump him before doing that! I don't want to be that woman that leaves her man just when he needs her most. It doesn't particularly sound as though he does need you. In fact quite the opposite. He is shutting you out completely. Coming home at 11pm and refusing to talk about it. Those are not the actions of someone who needs you. 1
carhill Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 From the VA Bar: "Divorce from the Bond of Matrimony a. Separation divorce — the "No Fault" divorce While grounds for divorce traditionally implied misconduct by one or the other spouse, modern divorce laws do not require "fault" grounds for a divorce to be granted. A "no fault" divorce from the bond of matrimony may be awarded upon a showing that for more than one year the husband and wife both intended to and have continuously lived separate and apart without any cohabitation. If the husband and wife have entered into a Property Settlement or Separation Agreement and there are no minor children, the time period is reduced from one year to six months. Although separation provides a "faultless" ground for divorce, fault may still be an issue when spousal support (alimony) is being sought or can be a factor in determining the division of marital property. Further, a judge is free to award a divorce on fault grounds even though "no fault" separation grounds exist, conversely a judge free to award a “no fault divorce” even if fault grounds exist." Source: Virginia State Bar "What is a Virginia Separation? A Virginia separation is different than what constitutes a "legal separation" in many states because you and your spouse aren't required to obtain a signed, legal document that identifies you as being legally separated. In order to achieve a Virginia separation, you simply must stop living together as a married couple, and at least one of you must have the clear intention that this separation is the first step to ending the marriage. In most cases, a separation under these circumstances is required to last 1 year in order for you to file for a Virginia divorce. For most couples, a separation means that you and your spouse will cease living under the same roof, although this is not necessarily required for the separation to take effect. The critical thing is that you are "living separate," even if still residing in the same home." Source IMO, given the parameters here, 'legal' separation is really nothing more than two people saying they don't want to be together, or one person making that statement unilaterally, and holds no stronger meaning than that of two unmarried people saying they're 'on a break'. I've been in this situation, many years ago, and it turned out to be an affair. The key is consistency. If the man and his W are truly separated and intending to divorce, your relationship will be transparent to his wife and he will not be 'in the middle' rather you and his wife can interact independently as you/she see fit. If she's truly 'driving' the divorce, then this should be no issue. She should be glad to see him go and move on in his life. Can you verify this? She is your point of verification. Trust, but verify. That's the lesson of my years with MW's. Hard-won but valuable. Everything he says is hearsay, wrt to/about his wife, except if independently verifiable. If unable to verify his status independently, I'd table things until a case summary search finds their divorce to be moving along smoothly, especially with the reservations posted about his intent. Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 When dating a separated not yet divorced man Rule #1 is stay the heck out of the middle of his divorce. Do not offer advice. Do not ask questions. If asked, my mantra was Be fair to your EX & generous to your kid. The most I'd say regarding court appearances was "good luck". I never even asked "how did it go?". If he needs to vent, fine, let him but don't offer suggestions. You can't win in the middle of this. You aren't either party's lawyer so keep your mouth shut & your opinions to yourself. Vent to your girlfriends if you must but understand what you reveal may cause them to resent him. Rule # 2 is don't give your heart away until the ink on the divorce is dry. You never know if there will be a reconciliation. Rule # 3 is realize his kids come 1st & always will. 2
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 If the man and his W are truly separated and intending to divorce, your relationship will be transparent to his wife and he will not be 'in the middle' rather you and his wife can interact independently as you/she see fit. If she's truly 'driving' the divorce, then this should be no issue. She should be glad to see him go and move on in his life. Can you verify this? She is your point of verification. Trust, but verify. That's the lesson of my years with MW's. Hard-won but valuable. Everything he says is hearsay, wrt to/about his wife, except if independently verifiable. If unable to verify his status independently, I'd table things until a case summary search finds their divorce to be moving along smoothly, especially with the reservations posted about his intent. Good luck. Thanks for the legal research on VA marriage/divorce - I found the same information, probably from the same website, so I know all that already. To address your point of verification, I think I do have some verification... A couple weekends ago, my boyfriend was trying to send a photo of us to me via text, and accidentally sent it to his wife. He started freaking out, and I didn't know why - it seemed like it shouldn't be a big deal if he knows she's dating other people, and she knows he's dating other people, but he kept saying, "But we haven't discussed it yet!" I don't understand what there is to discuss if the separation is already underway. My point is, she knows he is seeing someone new (me) and knows what I look like. He texted her an apology for the accidental text of our photo, and she replied with, "I'm very happy for you. You two look cute together!" So it seems to me that she's fine with everything, and HE is the one who may not be. Also, what does "MW" mean? As in, "Trust, but verify. That's the lesson of my years with MW's. Hard-won but valuable. Everything he says is hearsay, wrt to/about his wife, except if independently verifiable."
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 So it seems to me that she's fine with everything, and HE is the one who may not be. Yes, that's how it seems ot me too. Also, what does "MW" mean? Married Woman.
carhill Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 MW's are 'married women' who have affairs with married and single men. His reaction suggests to me that further recovery on his part is warranted prior to any healthy relations beginning/continuing. Once he's more comfortable with his marriage ending/having ended and sees his exW as 'one of billions' and treats her that way, as a co-parent and nothing more, then his perspective and yours will have greater opportunity to match up. Right now, as indicated by the tone of your posting, 'timing' is off. In intimate relationships, timing is everything. Since you've apparently been dating only two weeks, as evidenced by this post content: "In the beginning, I told him that I didn't want to be exclusive with him unless his divorce was moving along. At the time, he told me that he was meeting with his wife and a divorce mediator in two weeks, which is today, to go over a draft of the Property Settlement Agreement, which is like a blueprint for the actual divorce papers. I felt at the time, this was an acceptable answer and thought it was all I needed to feel safe in entering an exclusive relationship with him. But a couple days ago, we had a serious discussion about today's meeting in which he revealed to me that he has been dragging his feet about preparing for the meeting, procrastinating, and basically trying not to think about it, because he doesn't want to agree to the divorce and ruin his son's life. " My opinion would be to forestall further emotional investment, though perhaps continue to socialize casually, pending the results of his current legal action. If he had his own domicile, and especially if he owned it/had a long-term lease on it, I'd be more confident in his process. As is, nope. 1
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 My opinion would be to forestall further emotional investment, though perhaps continue to socialize casually, pending the results of his current legal action. If he had his own domicile, and especially if he owned it/had a long-term lease on it, I'd be more confident in his process. As is, nope. I'm not sure how to stop emotionally investing besides breaking up with him and not dating anymore. He does have his own place, but it is on a one-year lease (does that count as long-term?). The condo he shared and bought with his wife is still being used by his wife, and he says they are going to be selling it in the spring/summer, and she'll have to find a new place. Although, all the talk about selling the place...I wonder if he just says that to me to make me feel better about the divorce being real.
Babolat Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) I live in VA, went thru a divorce 3 years ago, no kids, we had to wait 6 months to file. It is 12 months if you have kids. Are you the first woman he has dated since his seperation? If yes, be careful, rebound. I waited four months, met a woman, we dated for 4 months and I ended it. I now know she was a rebound. A lot of women would not date me until I was divorced. I did not get it then, I get it, now. I would give him some space. Now that the meeting dates are coming up, the details are unfolding, he is probably distracted, and can't focus on an "us" with you right now. Also, it does not sound like he is emotionally ready for what you want. So, try not to spend so much time with him and pull back a bit. Edited January 23, 2014 by Babolat
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 I live in VA, went thru a divorce 3 years ago, no kids, we had to wait 6 months to file. It is 12 months if you have kids. Are you the first woman he has dated since his seperation? If yes, be careful, rebound. I waited four months, met a woman, we dated for 4 months and I ended it. I now know she was a rebound. A lot of women would not date me until I was divorced. I did not get it then, I get it, now. I would give him some space. Now that the meeting dates are coming up, the details are unfolding, he is probably distracted, and can't focus on an "us" with you right now. Also, it does not sound like he is emotionally ready for what you want. So, try not to spend so much time with him and pull back a bit. I am not the first woman, but I am the second. This is the context: The day he moved out of the condo he shared with his wife (back in July 2013), he needed to borrow her computer to do something, and he saw that she was on Match.com looking at some guy's profile. He was very hurt, obviously, but that is when he got on OkCupid (where I met him) because he "didn't want to just wait around all summer." He met someone in August, and dated her for a month, then she accused him of something that he says wasn't true (I never got the full details), and so they continued dating for another two months, and he was even thinking of introducing her to his son at that point, but she basically "ghosted" him and disappeared. He says they exchanged a couple emails, but then his last email to her went unanswered. About a month later, he met me (early December), and we became exclusive about two weeks ago. May I ask why you ended it with that lady after 4 months? How did you realize later that it was a rebound for you?
ThorntonMelon Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'd look at it very simply - You guys are in the honeymoon stage. He's not acting like he is at all - actually he's acting like he's in the after honeymoon stage - being realistic about your role in his life, relationship with ex, etc. Best case best case best case you have an extremely bumpy road ahead of you. Everything he discussed with you he could wake up tomorrow and completely walk away from. There are people worth that and people not worth that. No one on this board can make that decision for you. But don't base any decision on anything he's said to date except the parts where he shows doubt with his divorce. Sadly that is likely real emotion.
carhill Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'm not sure how to stop emotionally investing besides breaking up with him and not dating anymore. It depends on your emotional style. Some people can compartmentalize better than others and socialize casually with firm boundaries in place and feel positive about that. Others cannot. I dealt with this issue as a MM and found MC (marriage counseling) helped a lot in segregating feelings and acting on the relevant feelings in a way which respected the enacted boundaries. BTW, are he and his STBX getting any exit counseling or mediation? IMO, that could help balance your timelines. He does have his own place, but it is on a one-year lease (does that count as long-term?). Yes, an active lease of that length would meet my definition of long term, as it is the common lease I write for tenants, as compared to 'month to month'. Have you and he shared time at his place? If so, how does it strike you? Does it have the appearance of a man who is moving to build his own life? The condo he shared and bought with his wife is still being used by his wife, and he says they are going to be selling it in the spring/summer, and she'll have to find a new place. Seeing a real estate listing for that condo would be more 'verification' of their intent. Spring is a great time to sell real estate where the winters are harsh. Hope that goes well. Although, all the talk about selling the place...I wonder if he just says that to me to make me feel better about the divorce being real. IMO, accept his statements as valid for his perspective and verify any information you deem relevant to yours. As my lawyer shared with me, I had my story, my exW had hers and the truth is somewhere in between. Of course, he was tasked to represent 'my story' but having a sensitivity to global perspective and possibility is vital to managing an effective and amicable settlement where all parties can walk away at least somewhat satisfied. Good luck.
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 It depends on your emotional style. Some people can compartmentalize better than others and socialize casually with firm boundaries in place and feel positive about that. Others cannot. I dealt with this issue as a MM and found MC (marriage counseling) helped a lot in segregating feelings and acting on the relevant feelings in a way which respected the enacted boundaries. BTW, are he and his STBX getting any exit counseling or mediation? IMO, that could help balance your timelines. Yes, an active lease of that length would meet my definition of long term, as it is the common lease I write for tenants, as compared to 'month to month'. Have you and he shared time at his place? If so, how does it strike you? Does it have the appearance of a man who is moving to build his own life? As far as I know, he is definitely NOT getting exit counseling or mediation. Besides the legal mediation they are going through to get these papers in order, he doesn't seem to want to go to counseling or anything like that. Nor does he seem to have the time. I doubt his STBX is going either - seems like she's doing just fine with the whole divorce thing. I just spent two days and two nights at his place. He does seem like he's trying to make it his own, he keeps it clean and neat, which is great. But emotionally, I still get the vibe that he isn't completely excited about building his own life, apart from her and their old life together.
Babolat Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) I am not the first woman, but I am the second. This is the context: The day he moved out of the condo he shared with his wife (back in July 2013), he needed to borrow her computer to do something, and he saw that she was on Match.com looking at some guy's profile. He was very hurt, obviously, but that is when he got on OkCupid (where I met him) because he "didn't want to just wait around all summer." He met someone in August, and dated her for a month, then she accused him of something that he says wasn't true (I never got the full details), and so they continued dating for another two months, and he was even thinking of introducing her to his son at that point, but she basically "ghosted" him and disappeared. He says they exchanged a couple emails, but then his last email to her went unanswered. About a month later, he met me (early December), and we became exclusive about two weeks ago. May I ask why you ended it with that lady after 4 months? How did you realize later that it was a rebound for you? This man is not ready, pretty easy to see that, as a man myself. I would not move forward emotionally with him. I ended it because I became restless, and knew I was not ready to be in a LTR. She was a great woman, no issues, no problems, we got along well, I just knew it was not going to go any further. For lack of better words, and this sounds mean, she served a purpose in my life, at that time. She "knew the risk" as she use to tell me, bring so soon after my breakup and being the first woman. The difference with me is, after about 2 weeks post seperation, I was pretty much over the ex-wife, and now realize I was emotionally over the marriage long before I moved out. Your guy sounds a little different to me. Be careful. And I could not agree more with those who suggest you "stay out of the divorce stuff". I would seriously put the brakes on, back off, let him work thru this on his own, then, if there is something there, try again. Easier said, then done I know. Edited January 23, 2014 by Babolat 1
carhill Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I would view mediation as a positive sign, as it indicates both parties, at some level, view this process as one they wish to go through in a cooperative manner. Of course, things can change, as such is the case with anything in life, but actually being in voluntary mediation says a lot about their intent. Since he has his own domicile, that could be a great talking point, in that you could reference living there full-time as another sign of you feeling confident about him moving forward and you being in his life as a partner. He's got it, he's paying for it, he visits it, he's entertained you there. How do you feel about that? IMO, such processes are steps; in a situation where both parties are unattached, they are the steps of unification. Where one or both parties are attached to others, there are both the steps of disconnection and of unification. It's a lot more complex, logistically as well as emotionally and spiritually. Does this separated man, in general, appear emotionally stable? Does he respond to issues and challenges consistently and in a balanced manner? Remember, 'in general'. None of us is perfect. We all have bad days and stuff that pisses us off. Overall, though, what's your impression? What I'm doing here is working this very similarly to how our MC worked our issues as a psychologist who routinely worked infidelity and abuse. There is some 'advice' but a lot of questions and self-examination. How does this man feel about such types of interactions like MC? As an example, if you were to share that you had been through MC and benefitted from it (unknown to me but an example), how would he feel about that? It's hypothetical at this point but could be a talking point moving forward.
Phantom888 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 He is not really ready to move on. He has a little kid that he needs to raise. I'm sure his marriage is over, but he needs to cooperate with ex for his little child. You will always be a lesser priority than his own child. That's the way it is dating someone with kids. That's why I always recommend avoiding partners with kids unless you have kids of your own. If you don't have kids of your own, it's really tough to accept how his child's needs will ALWAYS surpass yours. The age difference between you two will make the situation worse because you are at different points in your lives, and his priorities are very different from yours I'm sure. In my opinion, you should just move on. This relationship is not going to progress the way that you want. 1
Author jussie Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 He is not really ready to move on. He has a little kid that he needs to raise. I'm sure his marriage is over, but he needs to cooperate with ex for his little child. You will always be a lesser priority than his own child. That's the way it is dating someone with kids. That's why I always recommend avoiding partners with kids unless you have kids of your own. If you don't have kids of your own, it's really tough to accept how his child's needs will ALWAYS surpass yours. The age difference between you two will make the situation worse because you are at different points in your lives, and his priorities are very different from yours I'm sure. In my opinion, you should just move on. This relationship is not going to progress the way that you want. I have no problem with him having a child. I've always wanted to be a young mom and I don't mind being a stepmom. I just have a problem with whether he's emotionally ready for a serious relationship or not. The age difference is also not an issue for me. I'm a bit if an old soul and we can always find fun things to do with each other that don't involve crazy parties or clubs and bars.
Babolat Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) I have no problem with him having a child. I've always wanted to be a young mom and I don't mind being a stepmom. Red flag. You are not a mom, or a stepmom. His kid, well, has a mom. I cannot say enough be careful here, and try to keep your emotions in check, and try not to figure him out, or his ex out, or his divorce out, etc. Edited January 23, 2014 by Babolat
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