Reflections from an xOW

[LilGirlandOW]

I consider myself a good person in general. Would do anything for anybody I care about. Always thought cheating men were scumbags as most women do. Then I turned 30, got a job with a new company and met and fell in love with my married boss.

 

Rationalized the affair as all OW do in their head and online, the "but our situation is different" bullshh!t. Fast forward a year and a half affair and currently a 4mnth exclusive (not married) relationship and my mind races about everything..... What kind of man is he to do this (cheat on) a woman?! How can he seem so perfect for me and we have a great relationship but he could split life live for so long?!? We watch tv inc the evening and I just imagine had he been constantly texting another woman or slipping out to see her mostly daily and for almost 2 years!!!

 

Like a distrust with who I am to allow myself to fall for a man who could do this, even if I was "his soul mate" "love of his life" no matter what just the scandal he's capable of provoking, the lies, sneakiness, betrayal just it all. My mind is staring to realize that only a broken woman would accept a cheating man as their Prince Charming.

 

Sometimes I want to contact the BS and just to say what kind of woman am I to turn my back on her?!? Women should empower each other, I'm a horrible woman for turning my back on her as a woman,

 

Just a rant, things are good with us actually. Just wanted to share some of the thoughts I have even though things are working out amazingly, I still have these emotional peaks and valleys. Think about this stbOW and OW

Edited January 23, 2014 by LilGirlandOW

[Appreciate]

I loved you up until the last paragraph.

[Speakingofwhich]

I consider myself a good person in general. Would do anything for anybody I care about. Always thought cheating men were scumbags as most women do. Then I turned 30, got a job with a new company and met and fell in love with my married boss.

 

Rationalized the affair as all OW do in their head and online, the "but our situation is different" bullshh!t. Fast forward a year and a half affair and currently a 4mnth exclusive (not married) relationship and my mind races about everything..... What kind of man is he to do this (cheat on) a woman?! How can he seem so perfect for me and we have a great relationship but he could split life live for so long?!? We watch tv inc the evening and I just imagine had he been constantly texting another woman or slipping out to see her mostly daily and for almost 2 years!!!

 

Like a distrust with who I am to allow myself to fall for a man who could do this, even if I was "his soul mate" "love of his life" no matter what just the scandal he's capable of provoking, the lies, sneakiness, betrayal just it all. My mind is staring to realize that only a broken woman would accept a cheating man as their Prince Charming.

 

Sometimes I want to contact the BS and just to say what kind of woman am I to turn my back on her?!? Women should empower each other, I'm a horrible woman for turning my back on her as a woman,

 

Just a rant, things are good with us actually. Just wanted to share some of the thoughts I have even though things are working out amazingly, I still have these emotional peaks and valleys. Think about this stbOW and OW

 

LGaOW, have missed your posts and so glad you checked back in to update. Also, appreciate your candor, as always.

 

Would you describe your feelings about your R with him as ambivalent or not? And wonder if you'll be able to live with those feelings about his cheating on his BW long term?

 

Obviously, it's a factor in your R but is it just a small factor you'll be able to work through or an over riding concern that will eat away at your R?

 

Do you see yourself being able to move past these thoughts and feelings so that they don't affect your respect for him and/or your feelings of security in your R with him? Maybe it's too early to tell?

 

Again, thanks for posting. Your perspective on this is valuable to all of us as it's rare for someone to come back and openly discuss having these types of thoughts and feelings after having ended up with MM leaving his W.

 

Although, come to think of it, WrinkledForehead has, too, I believe. And Baby has posted some but her issues may be a bit different. Would love to continue to read your updates! So helpful.

[Tullyseptember]

LilOw,

 

It's good that you are reflecting on the situation that

brought you to this point in your journey. It seems

as though you are conflicted in your thoughts in regards to

OM versus committed man in an authentic relationship?

I myself had an affair and several years out still brings new

layers of reflection and fog lifting. Maybe I'm a slow

learner but I think you are in such early days of your

new normal relationship that I think it's going to take

a lot longer for the process to begin and acceptance of who

you were and will be. We all need to start at some point

to begin the eye opening of our fantasy life to transition

into real life. Take care

[RickFox]

Interesting. As my relationship with xmw was coming to an end she commented that if I could cheat on my W with her, then if we were together down the line would I do the same to her. Funny because I.had the same thought about her and yet I was willing to be with her knowing in all likelihood we would have failed miserably.

 

Good luck to you

[SugarHibiscus]

This is one of the many reasons I won't leave my H for my OM.

 

I asked my OM what would prevent him from cheating on me if we were together. He said he could ask me the same thing. Touche. I have never strayed before and he says he hasn't either. He uses this to illustrate that we would never do this to each other.

 

Has your fAP cheated before he cheated with you?

[LilGirlandOW]

Yeah i need to work through these feeling or we don't have a chance long term. He appears to be honest and faithful to me but I'm sure he was to her in the beginning Wanted to share how I'm feeling, I've never read about an xOW with the MM post affair have anything but positive things to say. I'm taking the good with bad feelings

[cozycottagelg]

I'm so glad you posted, I've been wondering how you were doing.

 

I don't have anything to add, it's just nice to hear from you!

[Lady2163]

I'm glad to hear from you as well.

 

Your situation always made my head spin, so i'm glad you are out of that.

 

There is risk in any relationship. Will he be the man I want him to be?

 

This is a chance you take with anyone. In this case, you probably don't have to worry about him turning into a lazy bum or woman beater, but you are living with what could be your worst fear of all...will he cheat.

 

Life is risk. You have to decide if this is one you are willing to take.

 

I would take the chance, BUT I'd also make sure I'm not ruined and left with nothing if it ends. Money may not buy happiness, but it buys freedom and choices. I could very easily give my heart and soul to a cheater, but I'd probably hide enough money that I could make it on my own if I had to.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yeah i need to work through these feeling or we don't have a chance long term. He appears to be honest and faithful to me but I'm sure he was to her in the beginning Wanted to share how I'm feeling, I've never read about an xOW with the MM post affair have anything but positive things to say. I'm taking the good with bad feelings

 

I echo CozyCottagelg in that it's nice to hear from you! Have missed your posts. The thing I really appreciated was your authenticity though you took so much heat for some of your posts.

 

Wrinkledforehead did post some similar things. I think she wrote about trust issues they were dealing with and she was able to voice to him. Her man wasn't married but was in a committed R.

 

Anyway, would love for both of you to keep posting.

[SoleMate]

I'm a bit confused...Lil, are you still in the A?

 

Was your post your own (occasional?) thoughts, or someone else's supposed thoughts, or a parody, or....?

[rae_lana]

I am still with my OM. We are both going through the process of divorce so we are not openly together but we know at the end of this we want to be living together and although we both have major insecurity issues and will I know suspect the other after all this.. I trust completely that he will tell me when he has an urge and I'll tell him, we'll explore those together.

I regret the pain I've caused and I miss knowing my husband would never stray.. That was a comfort, but in the end with everything to consider I feel like I found my other half. It's worth the work we'll have to do to get to a safe place emotionally together.

[Lady2163]

I'm a bit confused...Lil, are you still in the A?

 

Was your post your own (occasional?) thoughts, or someone else's supposed thoughts, or a parody, or....?

 

MM left his wife four months ago, I think. They are having a relationship.

[Snipercatt]

Lil, this is all so relatively new for you. I wish you the best.

[ladydesigner]

Lil I thank you for the post and your reflections. I do wish you the best!

[LilGirlandOW]

Thanks. Everyone

 

We are now 4mnths into our post-A relationship.

 

We'll see how it goes. One day at a time.

 

Xoxoxo all

[krazikat]

MM left his wife four months ago, I think. They are having a relationship.

 

I believe MM in this case was dumped by his wife, and his wife sent him packing in the middle of the.night, his moving out and divorce filing was initiated by the BS. Lil, do you ever think about that? Do you ever wonder if you would still be in an affair relationship with him if his wife hadnt sent him on his way? If so, does that bother you or are you okay with how he came to you? I really am just curious about this, Lil. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

My sister is going through the same issues with her partner, post affair.

 

The first year it was all love and bliss

 

This second year is a rollercoaster.

 

She now can see through her own eyes that he has poor boundaries with women...which is what led to their affair....only now she is 7 months pregnant with his baby and won't be able to 'keep an eye' on him at work when she's on leave. (They were co workers also)... My husband and I have fielded midnight phonecalls from my distressed sister, just wanting out because she can't take the stress and uncertainty...I think its probably 50/50...part of it is attitude with women...I think the other part is her insecurity...and pregnancy hormones don't help.

 

They are in couples counselling, so really trying to make ago of it...but even if he isn't cheating on her, this my all end up blowing up because the original affair anyways...

 

Anyway, time will tell...my sister is no angel either...it isn't the first time she cheated...just the first time she did it when married.

Edited January 23, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[EverySunset]

Thanks. Everyone

 

We are now 4mnths into our post-A relationship.

 

We'll see how it goes. One day at a time.

 

Xoxoxo all

 

love updates!!

 

I look forward to your posts because you always seem just a month or two ahead of my situation. And you're honest lol

 

This time though, I have built in distractions/life growth set up so I don't focus too much on it, and I'm excited.

 

Do you ever share these thoughts with your fMM or do they make you feel lonely? I'm almost scared how I will feel, even if we get that far...

[TaylorLane]

only a broken woman would accept a cheating man as their Prince Charming.

 

 

 

I think this way of thinking is when the light bulb goes on, that "ah ha" moment and that is the very beginning of the desire and will to move on and walk away.

 

 

The fog of rationalizing it, blinds in so many ways and it doesn't matter the hard facts and truths we turn our cheeks to until this moment.

 

 

When the fog is over and we start to come out of it and question, "what the hell are we doing?!!" or "I deserve better than this"

 

 

what a significant moment..

[Got it]

Yeah i need to work through these feeling or we don't have a chance long term. He appears to be honest and faithful to me but I'm sure he was to her in the beginning Wanted to share how I'm feeling, I've never read about an xOW with the MM post affair have anything but positive things to say. I'm taking the good with bad feelings

 

I guess I wonder what is the point without action backing it up. In my case, having been a MOW as well, anything I thought/worried about him I would have to assume on myself. So I break down the facts, the reasoning, thought process, eliminate specific unique details/facts that would not repeat, and then see where things are. I recognized with myself the thought processes, justifications, etc. that I wanted changed regardless and so we both went to IC and CC. We recognized that our foundation is paramount and so we needed to make sure it was as healthy as possible. So we started working on it immediately.

 

But no, we have little fear of the other person cheating. That just isn't an issue. There are other concerns, and there is the slippery slope of just moving to our comfort zone of being too independent but I am really not concerned. We know what we didn't like about our previous relationships and we have worked to not have them in this relationship. We are very accountable to the other not in a "checking up" way but in a "I am going to be transparent and vulnerable even if it kills me !"way.

 

We both were in marriages that started at very young ages and didn't learn the practices we should have. So a lot of focus on changing it now.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Got it

[Got it]

I also question this idea that there is any ideals of a Prince Charming. Why should any man be Prince Charming? Why the fluff of fairy tales? No man will live up to that. He doesn't exist. So I think that is a fatal flaw right there in the logic. This is a man. A real man. A man with warts and flaws and annoyances, and idiosyncrasies. It is about seeing the person for fully who they are, at their worst, and do you still love and respect them despite it? Are their flaws a deal breaker?

 

He is no different today than who he was yesterday. For me, watching him in the affair and during separation gave me a far more real look at him than just regular dating. You are going to see the person at their most stressed, most emotional, most vulnerable. It is raw. But I gleaned a lot about him during this time as I did about myself. Not always pretty, not always complimentary but no pretense.

 

And at the end of the day, while I don't agree with every action or inaction and at time test my patience and love. At the end of the day, being much farther along and married I do love and respect him. He is FARRRR from perfect but I wouldn't do well with perfect. That would annoy me. But the core of him, yes I like him. Doesn't mean things won't change tomorrow. Doesn't mean I am blind to things. But I also do not assume more on him than I do upon myself and do not suspect him of being capable of anything that I don't assume I am. So we start on the same page and we work as a team through things.

 

You know that is what I like about him best. At the end of the day, no matter how mad or upset I get on something, no matter what the issue, he always comes around and we work as a team through whatever issue it is. He takes an active interest and actions in our relationship. And everyday puts forth effort into nurturing our relationship. That, bar none, is the vital difference in my previous marriage and what I need more than anything. Not someone perfect but someone who will take the hits and get up and come back for more. Standing side by side with me through whatever comes. THAT is key.

[Speakingofwhich]

I also question this idea that there is any ideals of a Prince Charming. Why should any man be Prince Charming? Why the fluff of fairy tales? No man will live up to that. He doesn't exist. So I think that is a fatal flaw right there in the logic. This is a man. A real man. A man with warts and flaws and annoyances, and idiosyncrasies. It is about seeing the person for fully who they are, at their worst, and do you still love and respect them despite it? Are their flaws a deal breaker?

 

He is no different today than who he was yesterday. For me, watching him in the affair and during separation gave me a far more real look at him than just regular dating. You are going to see the person at their most stressed, most emotional, most vulnerable. It is raw. But I gleaned a lot about him during this time as I did about myself. Not always pretty, not always complimentary but no pretense.

 

And at the end of the day, while I don't agree with every action or inaction and at time test my patience and love. At the end of the day, being much farther along and married I do love and respect him. He is FARRRR from perfect but I wouldn't do well with perfect. That would annoy me. But the core of him, yes I like him. Doesn't mean things won't change tomorrow. Doesn't mean I am blind to things. But I also do not assume more on him than I do upon myself and do not suspect him of being capable of anything that I don't assume I am. So we start on the same page and we work as a team through things.

 

You know that is what I like about him best. At the end of the day, no matter how mad or upset I get on something, no matter what the issue, he always comes around and we work as a team through whatever issue it is. He takes an active interest and actions in our relationship. And everyday puts forth effort into nurturing our relationship. That, bar none, is the vital difference in my previous marriage and what I need more than anything. Not someone perfect but someone who will take the hits and get up and come back for more. Standing side by side with me through whatever comes. THAT is key.

 

^^^^

 

One of the most insightful posts I've read on LS! Excellent, Got it! Especially the first two paragraphs. Though the rest is great, too!

Edited January 24, 2014 by Speakingofwhich
clarity

[TaylorLane]

I also question this idea that there is any ideals of a Prince Charming. Why should any man be Prince Charming? Why the fluff of fairy tales? No man will live up to that. He doesn't exist. So I think that is a fatal flaw right there in the logic.

 

 

 

Ditto on this being an awesome post!!

 

 

"Prince Charming" is a fairy tale for sure

 

 

But that fairytale message is still being sent out to young girls today;

Is it healthy?!

 

 

That message that they do exist, that you need a man to rescue you and bail you out of whatever situation...(Every Disney movie)!!

That life means grow up, find this prince charming, and that's it.

 

Enough of Cinderella and Snow White!

 

 

It's 2014, Where are the movie's for the young girls about how you can be independent, how you don't need a man in your life to save you, provide for you, or even fix something when it breaks!?!

[WasOtherWoman]

 

 

It's 2014, Where are the movie's for the young girls about how you can be independent, how you don't need a man in your life to save you, provide for you, or even fix something when it breaks!?!

 

What is even better than the above is a woman who able to be independent and support herself just fine and STILL has a man in her life to save her, provide for her and fix things when they break.... not to mention reaching things off of the high shelves.