SoulTears Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Yesterday was a day from hell. A living nightmare no woman should have to endure. However, it ended with my fears being put to rest. I don't know if I am posting this in the right topic area or not. Yesterday I had to be tested for HIV (as well as other STD's). It was the longest day of my life. I literally wept when the nurse told me I am negative. I ended a 4-month relationship with a man last month. The relationship was so nice at first, but he started withdrawing from me and became emotionally abusive and he was acting bizarre. There were red flags, but I subconsciously denied them to myself. After I broke it off with him, 3 days later I woke in the morning with the cold hard realization slapping me in the face: "OMFG... He's gay!" I started reading on the internet everything I could find, which confirmed my suspicions more. Ladies, has this happened to you? What were your red flags? I would like to talk to others who have walked in my shoes and been in this frightening and surreal situation. What was it like for you when the realization hit you? How did you cope? 1
strive Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 well, it's not unheard of. what kind of red flags made you think that? are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?
radiodarcy Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'm confused. Did he actually come out to you as gay? Has he had past relationships with other men that he had told you about? Do the two of you have mutual friends who can confirm his attraction to/relationships with men?
Author SoulTears Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) Hi Strive. I guess we can't be too safe where there is the chance that our lives could be at risk. The man had a lot of secrets... a whole other life that didn't include me, and time that he would not account for. There were no signs he was seeing another woman at all. We gals have built-in radar for this stuff. On his days off, he didn't want to spend his time with me. At the beginning of the relationship, he took me around town and introduced me to his friends and acquaintances as his girlfriend, then he never took me anywhere in public hardly ever again. He was a kung-fu shaolin monk. (and I read there are a number of gay men and women in this art) We were only intimate 3 times, and in the beginning of the relationship. After that, he had absolutely no interest in me sexually. He didn't look at me and touch me with any passion. Kissed me with his eyes open, like it was something he just wanted to get it over with. He told me I was "too over-sexed" and I was a "nympho" and seemed irritated with me. I told him, "Gee, my enjoying sex more than 2 times a month hardly makes me oversexed." It got me thinking that never in my life have I had a man complain that I was too sexual. They loved that aspect of me! I didn't get it! I was so hurt. He told me, "I am 99% straight and 1% gay. Hey, I've seen some men that are so hot that I've thought to myself if I were a woman, I would hit that!" So I asked him, "Have you ever been with a man?" and he wouldn't answer or look at me. I asked him twice. Silence both times. I guess that was my answer. He made a lot of gay jokes, imitating gays often, laughing about it and acting like a flamer. Way overboard on this behavior. And he told me once he entered a drag contest and won the prize as the "ulgiest woman." I asked him if he liked to cross-dress and he got angry at my question. A close friend told me she often saw a few very "effeminate appearing" black men that she had never seen before come into the club where he was working, and he would immediately go over and have a few private words with the man. (My ex was an African-American man) He also told me he used to do a radio show where he would imitate a gay man and people would call in and he said it was "hysterical" and how much fun it was. There were other things as well... I know that these things in and of themselves do not always mean that a person is gay, but so many of these things all added together were hitting me in the face with the realization that there is a good chance that he probably is. Wanted to add: In my trying to explain my situation, I mean no bad intent and in all due respect to people of all gender and sexual orientations. I hope no one takes offense at this post. I would never poke fun at or make negative comments about a person's sexual orientation. Edited January 23, 2014 by SoulTears
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Hi Strive. I guess we can't be too safe where there is the chance that our lives could be at risk. The man had a lot of secrets... a whole other life that didn't include me, and time that he would not account for. There were no signs he was seeing another woman at all. We gals have built-in radar for this stuff. On his days off, he didn't want to spend his time with me. At the beginning of the relationship, he took me around town and introduced me to his friends and acquaintances as his girlfriend, then he never took me anywhere in public hardly ever again. He was a kung-fu shaolin monk. (and I read there are a number of gay men and women in this art) We were only intimate 3 times, and in the beginning of the relationship. After that, he had absolutely no interest in me sexually. He didn't look at me and touch me with any passion. Kissed me with his eyes open, like it was something he just wanted to get it over with. He told me I was "too over-sexed" and I was a "nympho" and seemed irritated with me. I told him, "Gee, my enjoying sex more than 2 times a month hardly makes me oversexed." It got me thinking that never in my life have I had a man complain that I was too sexual. They loved that aspect of me! I didn't get it! I was so hurt. He told me, "I am 99% straight and 1% gay. Hey, I've seen some men that are so hot that I've thought to myself if I were a woman, I would hit that!" So I asked him, "Have you ever been with a man?" and he wouldn't answer or look at me. I asked him twice. Silence both times. I guess that was my answer. He made a lot of gay jokes, imitating gays often, laughing about it and acting like a flamer. Way overboard on this behavior. And he told me once he went to a drag contest and won the prize as the "ulgiest woman." I asked him if he liked to cross-dress and he got angry at my question. A close friend told me she often saw a few very "effeminate appearing" black men that she had never seen before come into the club where he was working, and he would immediately go over and have a few private words with the man. (My ex was an African-American man) He also told me he used to do a radio show where he would imitate a gay man and people would call in and he said it was "hysterical" and how much fun it was. There were other things as well... I know that these things in and of themselves do not always mean that a person is gay, but so many of these things all added together were hitting me in the face with the realization that there is a good chance that he probably is. Oh good lord..... I find this post disgusting actually. Just ask him. Simple as that.
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Soul Tears You actually don't know the guy was gay or bi. You just know your relationship with him is over. You have done the smart thing & gotten tested. Hopefully it will come back with a clean bill of health. The testing would have been equally needed if he'd had a heterosexual affair so it's not about orientation but fidelity. Let him go & move on. 1
SensitiveTJ Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 An African-American Shaolin monk? I'm going to have to call BS on this one.
CarrieT Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I am a 50-year old woman. When I was 20 I got married and barely five years into my marriage (that, yes, involved swinging), I came home early from work with the flu only to find my husband on our living room floor, having sex with another man. 25 years ago, we didn't bother with condoms... And they didn't know how long HIV might lie dormant in your system, so as my marriage crumbled, I was also subjected to being tested every six months for almost a decade. I can understand the devastation one feels... 2
Author SoulTears Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 An African-American Shaolin monk? I'm going to have to call BS on this one. He is African-American. And he told me he was a shaolin monk. I'm only going on what he told me. I do not mean to BS anyone here, and I apologize if my crazy story appears that way. I am moving on, it is over. However, it still was frightening and distressing what I went through. Also, wondering how others coped when they realized they may have been dealing with a similar situation.
SensitiveTJ Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 He is African-American. And he told me he was a shaolin monk. I'm only going on what he told me. I do not mean to BS anyone here, and I apologize if my crazy story appears that way. I am moving on, it is over. However, it still was frightening and distressing what I went through. Also, wondering how others coped when they realized they may have been dealing with a similar situation. I think he was yanking your chain with the whole Shaolin thing. But anyway, the reason I read your story is that I too, had a similar experience. When reading the newspaper one day, I discovered that a girl I had broken up with just a few weeks earlier had been arrested for heroin possession. Needles, lighters, ties, all the accessories too. I had always suspected her of drug use while we were together, but of course this was the proof I had never been able to find. I was just as scared as you are when I went to go get tested for AIDS/HIV. I don't think I breathed for an hour as they were drawing blood. And waiting a week and a half for the results was terrible. Luckily, no infection. I think the best way to move on is just to forget the person (as best you can) and throw yourself back into your life. Say a prayer of thanks if you want to. Be glad. Hope everything works out for you.
Author SoulTears Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 He was a martial arts instructor. He claimed to be a 5th degree black belt. I've seen his martial arts skills, so I don't doubt them. An interesting thing.... I met a man recently whose wife became involved in Shaolin martial arts and that her instructors were lesbian women. And that his marriage ended when his wife moved in with and became lovers with one of these women. Not like it makes any difference either way. Just another puzzle piece in this crazy jigsaw.
Kizmet Fisher Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 He was a martial arts instructor. He claimed to be a 5th degree black belt. I've seen his martial arts skills, so I don't doubt them. An interesting thing.... I met a man recently whose wife became involved in Shaolin martial arts and that her instructors were lesbian women. And that his marriage ended when his wife moved in with and became lovers with one of these women. Not like it makes any difference either way. Just another puzzle piece in this crazy jigsaw. Of course lesbians practice Shaloin martial arts. God knows we need something to do when its not golf weather. 4
Haydn Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Bloody hell ask him. Afro american monk and gay? Sounds like a whole new series. (With a lot of complaints) Actually he sounds like he quite a few secrets, have to be honest with each other. Carrie, That sounds so shocking. To come home to that? What was the reaction? I really have led a quite boring life.
Author SoulTears Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 LOL Haydn. I did come right out and ask him. I looked him squarely in the eye and said, "M____, are you gay?" He became immediately angry and snapped back, "What kind of a stupid question is THAT??" I didn't ask again. I just ended the relationship a week later.
Zoe Lilith Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Whoa! ..and I thought I was going thru hell...how selfish of me. I hope you're doing better..You don't need to put up with anyone's outbursts and verbal abuse like that, you did the right thing by putting an end to all this drama.
Keenly Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Ahh yes. The typical bruised female ego war cry of " he didn't want me, so he must be gay! " If the guy tells you he is gay, he is gay. If you see him making out with another dude, he is gay. Not being into you or behaving oddly in a relationship does not make a man gay.
Zoe Lilith Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Ahh yes. The typical bruised female ego war cry of " he didn't want me, so he must be gay! " If the guy tells you he is gay, he is gay. If you see him making out with another dude, he is gay. Not being into you or behaving oddly in a relationship does not make a man gay. ..then again, the fact that he is making jokes about gay people all the time isn't really normal either. He is either confused about his sexuality, or he is trying to hide the fact that he is gay, and therefore creates "a shield", by consatntly making jokes about gay people....just my opinion, after reading the thread. 1
oracle Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Yesterday I had to be tested for HIV (as well as other STD's). It was the longest day of my life. I literally wept when the nurse told me I am negative. As a responsible adult you should be doing this regardless. HIV and STI's are NOT gay specific. 3
Keenly Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 ..then again, the fact that he is making jokes about gay people all the time isn't really normal either. He is either confused about his sexuality, or he is trying to hide the fact that he is gay, and therefore creates "a shield", by consatntly making jokes about gay people....just my opinion, after reading the thread. Making jokes about gay people is now equal to being attracted to them ? 1
Haydn Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 YES. Thank you oracle. More of `us` (So called normal straight people are far more prone to STDs). As a responsible adult you should be doing this regardless. HIV and STI's are NOT gay specific. 2
Haydn Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I dont get your point? Suspect you are picking......I make jokes about all kinds of people. I make jokes about nazi`s, does not mean i am attracted to them. Making jokes about gay people is now equal to being attracted to them ?
oracle Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 YES. Thank you oracle. More of `us` (So called normal straight people are far more prone to STDs). I have my fair share of young 'str8' guys that are testing the waters.. Im always shocked when they don't even BRING up protection, then when I put the brakes on that they tell me they never do with girls. Shocking. People are so unaware when it comes to sexual health issues. People are always surprised when I tell them you can get Syphillis from kissing. 2
Zoe Lilith Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Making jokes about gay people is now equal to being attracted to them ? that's not what I said. I said that he MIGHT be making all the jokes in order to "shield" himself... A woman being rejected by a man, is not unusual and it happens..we don't think that by being rejected by a man, he must be gay.. an adult sophisticated man, wouldn't react like that when asked a question about his sexuality...that's why I said that he is either unsure or is not ready to "come out" yet. 1
oracle Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) that's not what I said. I said that he MIGHT be making all the jokes in order to "shield" himself... A woman being rejected by a man, is not unusual and it happens..we don't think that by being rejected by a man, he must be gay.. an adult sophisticated man, wouldn't react like that when asked a question about his sexuality...that's why I said that he is either unsure or is not ready to "come out" yet. Im 35 and gay, and Im not entirely 100% secure with my sexuality.. Gays and the scene still creep me out. Me, my gay friends and str8 friends all make gay jokes as well... all the time! its called making light of life. Move forward, hes not into you. Edited January 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
Author SoulTears Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Some of you here are missing the part where I broke it off with him because he was mistreating me and emotionally abusive. It was days after I ended the relationship that I realized that there's a good possibility that he may be gay. I'm not a kid. I've been there and done that.... I've loved and lost before... I've had my share of rejections. Nobody likes to be rejected, but we all have been at one time or another and it is a fact of life. I am hardly a silly young girl lashing out at someone who rejected me. Hurting that man or causing him distress would be the last thing in the world I would ever want to do. I came here to this site seeking support in my pain of dealing with this realization that there is a good chance he was gay. It was a painful realization, for sure. And a feeling like I was used as a cover. I wanted support and just someone to talk to. Not to bash this man. It's not about that. I've done my reading on this topic, both in books and online. And many of his behaviors point to the good possibility that I am right. And I am not saying that ALL gays engage in risky behavior.... that would be stupid to assume. Many STRAIGHT people engage in risky behavior as well. But I am aware of the lifestyle he does live and his culture being different than mine. He is originally from the ghetto of NYC. And I've done some reading about the increasing percentages of African American men engaging in unprotected sex with men and the increasing percentages of these men in the US with HIV. So to bash me or anyone else who just wants to understand and to express their pain is just wrong and cruel. I've been through enough. 1
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