imokurnot Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 They were little things but they seemed to matter to her so easy to change. I was a procrastanator and would wait too long to take the trash out. Well she got on me about it and I changed it in a hurry. But let's say 2 months later I had fallen back one time and she jumped me and said that I always do that. Stuff like that when we were in the relationship but now that we are split bigger things. It just seems that she has me labeled. Heres another example from when we were together. She would always get upset about something and I would think I am listening but after reading some relationship books I realized I may be trying to fix things rather than just let her get it out. It would always end with, "You don't get it never mind." Well I used to just give up and say fine whatever. But after my reading I would listen and sit patiently and if it was directed at me and needed an anser I would make my statement and she would say "You don't get it." I would then say, "No I guess your right I do not get it but I want to could you explain it too me please" "I really do want to unsderstand". Well she would just walk away and say you don't get it and never will. You don't listen why shopuld I bther. I was listening and didn't walk away or anything. She said "I don't get it and never will" as if I wasn't trying to get it in the end. She wouldn't give me the chance to get it at that point. She had her mind made up. Another thing was I used to play online games a few years back. Well I was neglecting her a little and I got my act together later on. She still uses that image of me to say I neglected her. Yes it is resentment but I had been attentive for the past 2 + years and she never noticed or encouraged that fact. I don't play games at all anymore but she would come home and we were suppose to go to a movie or whatever lets say. I would be waiting after I said hello and asked how hger day was etc. and she would go to get ready and take forever in the bathroom. So I would get online to read or whatever (not game) just to wait for her. I was rady to go and I would always make it known by sayiong, "I am ready to go whenever you are just tell me and we are out the door". Usuallyy multiple times I would make it known that I wasn't interested per say in anything I was looking at or doing on the computer I was just doing something while I waited. Well she would finally decide not to go for whatever reason tired, bad mood etc. The next day or so I would say do you want to go see that movie tonight? I really want to see it and take you out. I understand you were tired the other night but how about tonight? She would say, "I wasn't tired you were on the computer and you didn't want to go either you just don't want to admit it." WTH??? I wanted to go asked her multiple times if she was ready etc. See what I mean. Previously, years before I really wanted to stay and play the games, but not then. After the split the thngs I have done I have done for me. I think they would be nice in her mind as well but they were for me. I was mainly talking about stuff in the relationship.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 imokurnot, i think you were fighting a battle that you couldn't win here! she really sounds like my ex... I could never do good enough no matter what i did... if I made a mistake ( how dare I? ) she wouldn't let me make it up to her etc. etc. you gotta remember it is important for both parties to have their own lives too! whats wrong with you playing online games? NOTHING! how many times did you resent her or criticize her for doing her own thing? i know in my situation i don't think i did that once while she always had all the complaints! ( i remember saying to her "whats wrong with me? there isn't anything wrong with me! " ) Your ex sounds like mine, very possibly ( and i am trying to drum this into my head everyday ) that they would have made our lives miserable with their own issues, no matter how good we were we would have always have been wrong... always resentment and dissatisfaction with us even though we are good people! a wise old 80y old auntie of mine told me that a girl like that would ruin your whole life if I married her!
imokurnot Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Or more accurate I guess is things she still harbors or has resentment for and her new perspective about the things that caused the behavior. Explained below.... She was needy in the beginning, very needy and clingy. I played games too much that was true. But she wanted every second we were in the same house to be spent side-by-side. She actually had the nerve to tell me, "You wanted me to have hobbies and be more independant, well I was and I found someone else." Well I said hobbies not new guys to sleep with. Sheeesh! She has matured since then and I tell her things she did and she readily admits that she was immature and doesn't do those things now. The problem was she would get so mad at my actions, actions she now sees no fault in, that she never let the resentment go. That is why I try still. She doesn't realize the anger and hurt she says I had caused her, was from those times. I can't belive she still says I was neglecting her. But then says she was too immature and didn't realize we needed space once in a while. So when I made the space for myself AND HER, she at the time thought I was neglecting her. She now sees she was wrong but she hasn't let the feelings go and still projects them on to me. She says I treated her bad and neglected her. It just isn't true and never was. Just the way she perceived it back then was the way she thought about the neglect. I can't believe after she had a fight with her friend a few months back and the counselor told her she was wrong, she doesn't get it still. The counselor told her she had an irrational view of the whole arguement. She took it to heart. After the counselor told her that she went over to the girls house and hugged her, gave a card, took her to lunch and apologized in tears. This was a 20 yr friend that the day before (actuelly for days before that and continuosly) had said she will never talk to her again period. That she was a f**k*ng Beeeooootch and hated her guts. I tried to talk her down but no way, her mind was made up. The friend was wrong and if I didn't agree with her I was an a-hole. All of a sudden she is told she is wrong and she breaks down and apologizes profucely. You know how many argumants or issues we had that she saw irrationally and therefore my behavior was considered mean or I was a jerk? About 90% of them over 7 yrs. Do you think I was jumping up and down and almost crying when I heard the counselor tell her she sees things from an irrational perspective and they were going to work on that. My God I thought I just got to where I had driven this thing for years. I had got her to finally go to counseling and the counselor was good, at least she was on that issue. Strong enough to tell her she was wrong and that impressed me. I had hope but she started the affair or whatever the next week so she had little interest in going over her behavior in the relationship I guess. So you know how mad I am? It is indescribable. These are the resentments she still harbors. Now she is in counseling and the counselor has got into some of these I am guessing. Because she comes over and says she sees now we had a lot of misunderstandings and made mistakes that should have been easy to fix. No really! I didn't stay in a 7 yr relationship that I thought could not be fixed. If it were ingrained personality traits or things that weren't merely perception I would have been gone long ago. Now it is too late she says. Ayyyy Carmaba! (whatever that means)
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