summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 ok it's been 3 weeks today that ive been broken up with the ex.! I'm still fighting. lastnight i got into deep thought and went through everything that had ever happened. I realized that for the whole year and 6 months we dated we had broken up every 6 months just as now. the 1st break up we were single for a month the 2nd break up we were single for 3 months and now the 3rd 3 weeks and counting............ i have also realized everytime it has end i find him saying to me " The feeling is gone" "it's changed" Just saying that the feeling is gone hurts cause it makes me realize how stupid i was to try to fix thing the 1st two times and now a 3rd time i pray to God i don't run into him!!! but my major question is how can one just loose the feeling? the fireworks, butterflies feeling, does that mean he didn't loose the feeling. and that it was just never really there? or can anyone explain how one can loose the feeling??? and how is it possible when the others feeling for the loved one is stronger than ever?!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by bfaith258 but my major question is how can one just loose the feeling? the fireworks, butterflies feeling, does that mean he didn't loose the feeling. and that it was just never really there? or can anyone explain how one can loose the feeling??? and how is it possible when the others feeling for the loved one is stronger than ever?!!! I'm sure he was in love with you, and that it was there at one time - but sometimes despite our best efforts and intentions, we can't keep that feeling going. No matter how much someone loves us, sometimes we find ourselves falling hopelessly out of love with them. We fall into love, and we can also fall out of love. Falling out of love is never sudden. It is a slow process - like evaporation or erosion. It happens so slowly and so subtly that you hardly see it happening. The person who falls out of love does it with sadness, regret, and guilt - but does it willingly on some level. A person who falls out of love lets him/herself fall out of love. Your own love, hope and happiness prevent you from seeing the subtle signs, or you'll find many excuses to explain them away. They don't tell you about it when its happening, because they realize the futility of telling you. All you'll do is try to fix the relationship, when in their hearts they don't really want it fixed. So, it goes slowly - until one day, the emotional break happens. The breakup. The strength of the victim's love and obligation might bring them back once - twice, or even many times. But it doesn't take long to realize that its just a temporary jump-start to a love that is dying, if not dead. Eventually the process ends. The person makes the emotional break, and the victim will not see it until its too late. You hear stuff like "he told me he loved me, how can he be so cold all of a sudden?!" - it is never sudden. All you are seeing is the very last part of the long decline that is "falling out of love". Once its gone, and I mean completely gone - there's no bringing it back. You can ask "why don't you love me anymore" - and you'll have about as much luck as asking a corpse why it died. Falling out of love is never easy. Its frustrating, sad, guilt-laden, hopeless - and I'm sorry to see you are on the bad end of it.
immoralist Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Beautifully and eloquently expressed, LucreziaBorgia. That's the most tender writing. And you're right.
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 excellent post LucreziaBorgia, i really enjoy your writing style Once its gone, and I mean completely gone - there's no bringing it back. You can ask "why don't you love me anymore" - and you'll have about as much luck as asking a corpse why it died. what happens if it only 75% gone or 50% gone? can it ever be 100% again? anyone ever felt like this? anyone ever done this to somebody or received it? what if someone says "my love for you feels different now but i'd love to get it back to the way it was?"
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Thats a good question what if someone says "my love for you feels different now but i'd love to get it back to the way it was?"what if they want it to be the way it was before? I loved your advice LucreziaBorgia I THANK YOU!
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 what if they want it to be the way it was before? thats what i meant... when they don't want this then you really do have to say goodbye my ex from 1.5 years ago... i definately couldn't or wouldn't even want to go back to trying to love them... impossible!
imokurnot Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 But falling in love is a process and is not in fact true love. There is a difference and if it were true love the falling out of love wouldn't happen. True love would sustain the relationship even if it ends up failing because of infidelity or one person makes a decision to move on for the betterment of themselves, the love will always be there. Getting from the feeling of falling in love to true love is the deciding factor of whether or not you can get the person back or if they will truly come back and it will work. Love is not a feeling but ultimately a commitment.
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 so still no answer for this? what if someone says "my love for you feels different now but i'd love to get it back to the way it was?" akawhat if they want it to be the way it was before? if i still love my ex and my ex wants to feel the way we use to then how do you deal with that? is there no way to bring back the love?
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 So...... one is saying that me and my ex was not or were not true loves? if not then y do we always .... or y have we always in the past gotten back together? I'm sorry but i still just do not understand! i guess its all just may situation huh? My ex did say he wishes things were the same as when we 1st meet. Can anyone or has anyone ever gotten the feeling back after it was gone?! or if anyone knows if my ex will ever feel anything for me again?
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 True love would sustain the relationship even if it ends up failing because of infidelity or one person makes a decision to move on for the betterment of themselves, the love will always be there is a person who makes a decision to move on for the betterment of themselves as much out of love as somebody leaves because of the malpractice of infidelity? maybe stupid question but yes i reckon there is no difference here i think my girlfriend gave up as i don't make as much money as her ( for now anyway ) and she thought maybe i never ever would!
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 BrainRightHeartWrong, thanks but yet i'm still sorry i'm lost. I think i'm just thinking that me and my ex are true lovers, and that we will end up back together. Just because we have done it before. i don't understand and don't know why the feeling goes away! another question i guess is if your ex looses or lost the feeling.... will i soon?
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 also sorry but i guess it just hit me what you are saying! So if one looses belief in love then all love is lost?
imokurnot Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 My girlfriend I think left, because this guy makes more than me and has anice house. That's ok just motivates me more to improve myself in every possible way. I will use it as motivation and when I no longer care about what she thinks or feels about my life and situation I will be that much better off and find a new girlfriend that appreciates me. It sucks but oh well, what can you do? I wasn't saying that you weren't true loves for one another. I just said that it can be worked out if in fact that is the case. If not you won't be able to make it work no matter how many times you get back together or miss each other. It has to be deep enough that it is true love. I have no way of knowing your relationship so it is up to you to decipher it for what it is and act accordingly. Regrding you losing the feeling of love for him since he "says" he lost the feeling of love for you, it depends on what the feeling is rooted in or where it comes from. You could be needy or afraid of being abandonned or alone. I have no idea as to what you feel and what it is rooted in. Once again that is something for you to reflect upon and answer that yourself.
imokurnot Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 The question of being out of love if they move on for either the infidelity or for betterment of themselves .....It all depends on what they left for and how strong their convictions are. If someone was unfaithful and the person that left them fell out of love after a period of grieving I would say they made a conscious decision that they deserved better and that the person they thought they were in love with wasn't the person they thought he/she was. So they could be easily out of love for good. They could also be willing to forgive because theydo love that person. The person that leaves for betterment of ones self could be for any number of reaosns and the more selfish the reason the more they will never be out of love with the one they left. Like you say, if she left for money or the expectancy that you won't ever amount to anything, then she isn't out of love with you at all. If she was in true love with you she will be back. If not she is shallow and forget her anyway.
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 BrainRightHeartWrong & imokurnot, Thanks for all the helpful extra advice. i guess i'm sorta getting it now. " THERE IS NO LOVE WITH OUT THE BELIEF AND COMMITMENT TO TRY TO LOVE"
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 also sorry but i guess it just hit me what you are saying! So if one looses belief in love then all love is lost? yes you know what i am saying and i don't really know the answer but a horrible feeling of truth inside me says YES, they will probably love again but not with us... think of an ex who you would never want to get back with... and try and fall in love with them! it just can't happen yuk i hate being truthful but why delude ourselves?
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I know he didn't leave for a money issue. i'm in college studying Radiology and he didn't even graduate high school. I spent $500 dollars on him at Christmas and i receive nothing cause he had no money! I gave my all to him. but for the past month before the break up i stopped doing as much for him, i thought it would be good for him, but yet i just think it made him realize he can do even better than me. all my friends say to me his loss and he still tells me he loves me and wants that feeling back but i have changed and things have changed. How and when will i realize and just get over it and finally say " yea you were right we're better off not together"
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 " THERE IS NO LOVE WITH OUT THE BELIEF AND COMMITMENT TO TRY TO LOVE" this is very very true i believe Like you say, if she left for money or the expectancy that you won't ever amount to anything, then she isn't out of love with you at all. If she was in true love with you she will be back. If not she is shallow and forget her anyway. probably true also, there is a lot of peer pressure here, all her friends are married to rich guys, she must not truly love me then! i'd love to believe she was truly shallow and forget her, she maintains she is not but i doubt it, she said one of my main attractions was that i had so much potential and ambition but she obviously doesn't believe it ( actions talk louder than words ), all i want is a chance to prove it! bfaith258... the money issue had nothing to do with you in your circumstance all my friends say to me his loss and he still tells me he loves me and wants that feeling back but i have changed and things have changed. How and when will i realize and just get over it and finally say " yea you were right we're better off not together" see there you go, your friends are right, you seem to be making the first step in getting over it which is accepting it is over then you can truly move on! your friends are usually right when it comes to this when we cannot think as rationally as we should do
Author summerlove Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I hope i move on. or something wonderful happens! Thanks you guys!
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I hope i move on. or something wonderful happens! it will, i know it will, you sound like a brilliant loving person and you deserve it all, it may take time but you'll know the day it happens!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong think of an ex who you would never want to get back with... and try and fall in love with them! it just can't happen Yup, indeed. Its easy to see it from that point of view - and painfully difficult to see if from the other. I've been on both sides. Having a broken heart is bad, causing one can be far worse.
NiCoLe20 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 its been about 3 weeks for me since i left my x. we broke up like 3 times throughout our relationship and always gotten back together. this time i think its different because of how you guys were stating before ''i fell out of love''. things werent how they use to be and i wasnt as happy anymore. i knew they werent going to be the same so i left and said goodbye. i havent heard from him since...we just stopped talking and i told him i was done. i mean its hard and i miss him at times but i just think to myself that im better off this way. why do i want to waste my time thinking-well if he loves me, will he talk to me again? - im not doing this anymore...if he really cared, he wouldve tried talking to me atleast. but you know what occasionally runs through my mind?..... how can two people, who loved each other and cared for each other with intense passion & affection, stop talking? like i remember all the good times and fun we had and now we're not talking...at all. its so strange. if we see each other,we wont even look at one another. isnt this weird how things happen to end like this? i mean it does make me sad. but if we were to talk as friends, that would also be strange and funny to me you know. i dont know- theres probably an explanantion for this but it hasnt come to mind yet!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by NiCoLe20 i..... how can two people, who loved each other and cared for each other with intense passion & affection, stop talking? like i remember all the good times and fun we had and now we're not talking...at all. Because the intense passion and affection that drove the talking in the first place is gone. When that is gone, and the love drops away, and the blinders are gone, and you break up with someone - then you realize that it wasn't the person that meant so much to you: it was that person in the context of the love you had for them that meant so much to you. Remove them from that context, and they aren't the same person to you anymore. That's why a person who was madly in love with you, can break it off and never speak to you again regardless of what you shared: because once they let go of that emotional bond they had with you - they no longer see you or treat you as the same person as you were when they loved you.
imokurnot Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 But I have a tough time with this one. I agree the blinders come off but they always come off. At that point it is the level of commitment in each person. I also think that you can get it back but you both have to understand what it takes to get it back. To mentally think positive things and let go of "perceptions" that have formed. My ex says some things that are so far from what I am I ask her if she even knows me anymore. She agrees maybe she totally lost sight of who I am. She did, she put me in a box, labeled me with a semi-permanent marker, and used shipping tape to secure the top so I could never get out. Her idea of me is wrong and she is starting to realize that. She has decided things about me that are either incorrect or extrapilates things to the future that don't have to be the way she envisions it. If you have the power to realize the future is anything you make of it you can go back (together I mean) and change it. "The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination." People tend to make a decision as to a person and their traits and when you say the blinders have come off, I tend to believe some people actually put them on for the first time at the point of the problems or split. Challenge things to be different, better, and they can be. Whatever you expect from someone is what you will end up with. If you expect good thngs, good thngs will be your reward. My ex wouldn't see the changes I made and would respond to things I did as if I hadn't changed them in some way. I had to point it out to her and she realized she didn't notice because she had made her mind up that I would do it a certain way and never allowed herself to be open to see it any differently. My ex was the blinders queen and she also had a huge supply of box tape and markers up the wazooo!
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 My ex wouldn't see the changes I made what kind of changes did you make and why did you make them? for your sake or your exes? were these changes requested by your ex?
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