Can't seem to move on?

[CoolBurn]

So, I've known this guy for a really long time and although we lost contact a long time ago, we were brought back in eachothers lives thru mutual friends. A mutual attraction was felt from the beginning and although it never worked out, we were never actually more than friends who liked each-other. Even though the parting was messy and he was actually kind of a jerk, I can't seem to get over it. Don't get me wrong, it's been 3 years and it's not like I come home from work everyday to cry over him, but I have certain phases when it's not easy to get my mind off him.

The point is, I think I understand him. I've always been a people-fixer. I've always enjoyed helping people get better emotionally, and he's so hurt. He's had a rough past, losing family members in all kinds of different ways, and that's damaged him, it's made his soul go cold. And I still somehow think I can fix this. We've had no contact whatsoever except for a couple of months back when we had a casual hello when I ran into him, but friends have told me he posts subliminal messages on his Twitter so I don't even know. I don't want to come off desperate, and I'm ok with this never turning into a relationship, but the mental connection was amazing, and I haven't experienced that with anyone else in my life.

So, what do you guys think?

[TaraMaiden]

By all means, re-connect.

But don't for goodness' sake do it in order to 'fix' him.

 

You can't 'fix' people. You can only support, help and encourage people.

People should fix themselves, and they really have to want to do it, too...

 

Excuse me if this sounds harsh, but two things:

 

People fixers often intrude, and try to fix those who might not believe they even need fixing, or who don't want to be fixed. They see 'people-fixers' as meddling, and having been on the receiving end of someone who was convinced she could 'fix' me, I felt pretty insulted and belittled by it.

 

Secondly, people-fixers often have problems themselves, and rather than addressing these, they'll project outwards, and gravitate towards 'birds with broken wings' because it's a great diversion from what ails them and needs fixing internally.

 

Contact him for friendship's sake, if you must - but do NOT have a hidden motive or agenda.

If I were he, and this was your intention, it might truly piss me off.....

[CoolBurn]

By all means, re-connect.

But don't for goodness' sake do it in order to 'fix' him.

 

You can't 'fix' people. You can only support, help and encourage people.

People should fix themselves, and they really have to want to do it, too...

 

Excuse me if this sounds harsh, but two things:

 

People fixers often intrude, and try to fix those who might not believe they even need fixing, or who don't want to be fixed. They see 'people-fixers' as meddling, and having been on the receiving end of someone who was convinced she could 'fix' me, I felt pretty insulted and belittled by it.

 

Secondly, people-fixers often have problems themselves, and rather than addressing these, they'll project outwards, and gravitate towards 'birds with broken wings' because it's a great diversion from what ails them and needs fixing internally.

 

Contact him for friendship's sake, if you must - but do NOT have a hidden motive or agenda.

If I were he, and this was your intention, it might truly piss me off.....

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

First of all, I guess I used the wrong words. When I say 'fix' I mean reassure. He's been hurt so many times, and unexpected loss has been a great part of his life. I want to reassure him that it's ok to be close to people, because I think that's what actually ruined the friendship or whatever it was in the first place. His fear of getting close to people.

 

And I'm afraid to reconnect cause I may be percieved as needy or desperate, which I'm not. I just want to help. And get an irreplaceable friend back in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I hipe it cleared things up a bit.

[d0nnivain]

You spent time apart & got back together once before. That experience colors your desire to reconnect now.

 

 

Before you do, answer two questions for yourself:

 

 

1. What's your end game? What do you want to have happen when you reunite?

 

 

2. Have you resolved whatever drove you apart the 1st time? If it's not fixed, why go backwards in your life?

[CoolBurn]

You spent time apart & got back together once before. That experience colors your desire to reconnect now.

 

 

Before you do, answer two questions for yourself:

 

 

1. What's your end game? What do you want to have happen when you reunite?

 

 

2. Have you resolved whatever drove you apart the 1st time? If it's not fixed, why go backwards in your life?

 

As I said, I don't exactly know what drove us apart, but I think it was his fear of attachment. He's afraid to let anyone in because I may want to leave some time in the future. And I don't have an expectation. He's very random and impulsive. One moment he's fine, the other he's arguing about something pointless. I believe that's his pulling-away mechanism.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for your reply.

 

First of all, I guess I used the wrong words. When I say 'fix' I mean reassure. He's been hurt so many times, and unexpected loss has been a great part of his life. I want to reassure him that it's ok to be close to people, because I think that's what actually ruined the friendship or whatever it was in the first place. His fear of getting close to people.

Darling, I'm sorry, but you can name it what you like - it's still a form of 'fixing'. You're still trying to evoke a change in him he might not want to address, or be ready to address.

Furthermore, if you have no training or background in therapy, counselling or psychology - your intentions, however well-meaning they are, may do more harm than good.

 

And I'm afraid to reconnect cause I may be percieved as needy or desperate, which I'm not. I just want to help. And get an irreplaceable friend back in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I hipe it cleared things up a bit.

He's not irreplaceable.

You define him that way.

That is to say, everybody who comes into our lives, is unique and irreplaceable. But people come and they go, and while they stay, the times they stay are variable.

Nobody can ever be 'replaced' but you can't go back and make things like they were before.

Something in you also needs addressing.

You want to help, but are you sure it's what he needs- or is it what you need to accomplish?

 

Please, think on this.

[mtnbiker3000]

Thank you for your reply.

 

First of all, I guess I used the wrong words. When I say 'fix' I mean reassure.

 

Not trying to be harsh, but... You absolutely do mean FIX. And just as Tara stated, this is only an attempt to look past / cover up your own issues, which it sounds like you have a few. Best work on yourself instead of him. I'm sure it will create much more happiness for you in the long run...

[rosedl]

People with attachment issues have to want to heal them, and they have to do the work themselves.

 

There is NO helping/healing/reassuring someone out of these issues. In fact, the more you do to help them feel safe or suppress your own needs for their emotional safety, the worse it is when you inevitably make a mistake or do something that makes them feel unsafe. It makes you responsible for their emotions. And, they will be more then willing to justify their leaving the relationship on you and your failure to be a superhuman emotion caretaker without needs or vulnerabilities or (GASP) human failings.

 

Keep your eyes on your own work and turn it back to you when you start to ruminate on him and the past. Women who are co-dependent caretakers and derive their sense of self through their partners are like moths to flames with commitment phobic and emotionally unavailable men. As much as I hate to admit this, I find ruminating on my ex relationship somewhat easier then facing the mess of problems I have to deal with in the aftermath of that relationship and moving past my own ****.

 

I am sorry. I struggle with the same stuff and I know it is not easy.

[TaraMaiden]

The other problem with this, is that your help, applied incorrectly, will only serve to 'enable' his "defect".

 

Instead of assisting him in breaking free from what has hindered him so far, you may inadvertently throw him into it, deeper.

 

This is why the kind of help you want to give him, comes best from someone trained and qualified to do it.

 

You know what they say about the road to hell being paved......

[CoolBurn]

I've been with this guy for about 8 months now. Everything was fine until about a month ago, we had a normal relationship with small arguments every now and then. Recently I've started feeling trapped, the infatuation has worn off and I can't help but notice his flaws and lack of intellect. A lot of what he says has started to get on my nerves and I find myself dreading the 1 year mark because I keep thinking that when we hit that milestone he'll get the impression that I'm his forever.

The reason why I'm still with him is because he's been deeply understanding of my requests and wishesh concerning this relationship, we've agreed on having absolute freedom with no jealousy or he said she said arguments. He trusts me and I trust him, and I'm scared I won't ever find someone who has the patience to respect all my wishes.

You guys have to understand that although this is not an easy descision I've been considering it for the past month and I don't know where to look for the source of this problem. It's like we'll have a good day or two, and then I'm back to considering ending the relationship. Is it me? Is it him? What should I do?

[TaraMaiden]

whatever your gut instinct tells you to do.

And by the sound of it, it's 'leave'.

[Toddbt12y1]

End the relationship. He will never meet your demands.

[David87]

I feel sorry for the poor guy but your happiness comes first, so do it.