kris92 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Okay so me and my gf have been dating for 2 years now. After one year she decided to move back home (2 hours away) so she can go to uni. Whilst at uni she made friends but there was one guy she said that she thinks likes her. I laughed it off and joked about it. However one night I saw them txting into the early hours of the morning and calling each other pet names. I confronted her about it and told her I didn't like it, she told me that I should trust her and I can't tell her who she can/can't talk to. However we agreed no more pet names and she will tell me anything she thinks I should know. Few months goes by and things are good between us. And then they start talking and txting again, he even went to her house uninvited to say hi, and she didn't tell me til days later. Then I see on her phone he called her by the pet name. I asked her if they still did that and she said no (so she lied). And then the next day she went out for ice cream and shopping with him (she told me this prior). Am i wrong to be worried??
ivalm Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) You're absolutely in the right to be worried. When a girl lies about a male friend who she acquired AFTER meeting you (so it's not like an old, old friend) it's a HUGE red flag. If I were you I would tell her that she needs to stop contact with that guy or you're over. If she doesn't stop after that I think it's time to find a new GF. Frankly, I think your relationship is already pretty dead since she: 1) Completely disrespected you by saying "to trust her" and then lying. 2) Completely disregarded your feelings by saying that you "can't tell her who she can/can't talk to". It's not about you telling her who she can/can't talk to it should be about her not wanting to hurt you by stirring unnecessary jealousy. Again, if it was an old guy friend then it's one thing, if it's a new "friendship" then her behavior is unacceptable. So yeah, huge red flags... If she doesn't agree to end her relationship with the guy then you need to dump her, go no contact, and under no circumstances come back together with her. This will save you a lot of energy and heartbreak in the long run. Edited January 23, 2014 by ivalm 1
Author kris92 Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Thanks mate, Yeah she has guy friends who are old friends and i have no worries with them. Even some of her new friends Ive met and have no issues with her being friends. Just this particular guy, I've never met him and told her i want to but it just hasn't happened. Ive asked her to stop talking to him and she puts it down to me not trusting her. Im just lost on what to do. Im gonna confront her however i don't know what she is going to say and i don't want to end it with her so I
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Ive asked her to stop talking to him and she puts it down to me not trusting her. You should tell her that she is right, it is because you don't trust her. And why don't you trust her? It's because she has acted entirely inappropriately and disrespectfully in her interactions with this guy. She should not be making friends, staying up til the early hours and using pet names with some guy who she knows "likes" her. And then lying to you about it. She has shown by her actions that she is entirely untrustworthy. So yes you should tell her that you do not trust her because she has acted in an untrustworthy and disrespectful manner. It's totally possible for a girl with a BF to make new male friends. But this is not an appropriate friendship. If the guy fancies the girl, and she fails to SHUT THAT RIGHT DOWN and impose proper boundaries, then it's just going to create bad situations like this. If she wants to make new male friends then she needs to treat them like friends. She hasn't done this. 1
Trnamakesnse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) This is queasily like a situation I've been in except I was the other guy and friendzoned pretty harshly words like "never" got used >.>. Also pet names and talking daily almost always until midnight when she went to bed. Teasing and bs and call kind of crap that basically made it impossible to be her friend after all that. Eh I can say it's a lot of red flags being thrown up, end it now while it's on your terms man. End it now and you'll hurt a lot less in the long run trust me it's for the best. Oh turns out she was just misdirecting her feelings for another friend onto me while inbetween relationships so that's what happened to me haha but yeah dump her. Edited January 23, 2014 by Trnamakesnse
Dallers Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Girls love attention in fact everyone loves attention. The issue here is that having a male friend is fine and all that but when you are together in the early hours of the morning messaging someone while she has your company. HA. I would probably use her coffee/tea just before I left and never returned. Probably leave the toilet seat up as well on my way out. Normally this kind of thing is all about attention and making you jealous but in this instance meh. Bye. Then watch her fancy man become a nobody when she is begging you back. If she doesn't then he was more than a friend and you now have coffee/tea for free and can go back to living the free life.
almond Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) Girls can absolutely have strictly platonic male friends, but your girlfriend is in a different sort of relationship with this guy. Open your eyes. They're calling each other pet names!! Texting throughout the night. He's showing up at her house unannounced. She goes for shopping and ice cream dates with this guy. And that's just what you know! If he were truly just a friend, she would include you. You would have met him and hung out with them both. But he's not her "friend", and you know it. Stop being a doormat. This girl is seriously disrespecting you, lying to you, and crossing boundaries. She even told you that this guy "likes" her! I won't say that she's cheating because we can't know for sure, but IMO, what she's already done is a serious enough breach of trust to end it. Kick her to the curb - let him have her. Find someone that respects you enough not to pull this crap. And sort out within yourself why you've allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long - giving your blessings for them to go on ice cream and shopping trips alone after she's lied about the pet names is nothing short of silly. You're desperate not to lose her, but you already have. Don't let what's left of your pride and self respect go too. End it now and don't look back. Edited January 23, 2014 by almond 2
soccerrprp Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Okay so me and my gf have been dating for 2 years now. After one year she decided to move back home (2 hours away) so she can go to uni. Whilst at uni she made friends but there was one guy she said that she thinks likes her. I laughed it off and joked about it. However one night I saw them txting into the early hours of the morning and calling each other pet names. I confronted her about it and told her I didn't like it, she told me that I should trust her and I can't tell her who she can/can't talk to. However we agreed no more pet names and she will tell me anything she thinks I should know. Few months goes by and things are good between us. And then they start talking and txting again, he even went to her house uninvited to say hi, and she didn't tell me til days later. Then I see on her phone he called her by the pet name. I asked her if they still did that and she said no (so she lied). And then the next day she went out for ice cream and shopping with him (she told me this prior). Am i wrong to be worried?? Give her an ultimatum (stop all contact) or simply go. She broke trust and her initial response to all of this was inadequate. But, realistically, I wouldn't trust her. I fear that you are going to get hurt.
fatalcharm Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 ...Whilst at uni she made friends but there was one guy she said that she thinks likes her. I laughed it off and joked about it. However one night I saw them txting into the early hours of the morning and calling each other pet names. I confronted her about it and told her I didn't like it, she told me that I should trust her and I can't tell her who she can/can't talk to. However we agreed no more pet names and she will tell me anything she thinks I should know... You have every right to be worried. While it is ok for a girl to have guy friends while she is in a relationship, it is NOT ok for her to be texting him into the early hours of the morning and be calling each other pet names. I had an ex who was living with me (he was my boyfriend at the time) who did a similar thing. He was texting a girl into the early hours of the morning and getting quite chummy with her (I didn't actually go through his phone, he was texting her while laying in bed, next to me, while we were watching a movie and I could see the texts) I got so angry, told him that it was completely inappropriate and disrespectful and he stopped. A few days later he broke up with me, moved out of my place and moved in with the girl who he was texting. You asked her to stop and she stopped for a while, but it looks like she is doing it again. If I were you I would break up with her. If she isn't physically cheating on you, then at the very least she is emotionally cheating on you. This isn't going to end well for you so dump her now and save yourself some heartbreak. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Yes, members of the opposite sex can have friendships with others while in romantic relationships. What your GF is going with this guy is more than that. She has 2 relationships going on. . . him there at school & you more long distance. Even if she hasn't done anything with him (yet), they are on a slippery slope. She's engaging in what many people here on LS would consider emotional cheating. She has a primary relationship with him. As you have acknowledged, her relationship with old male friends & even some new ones doesn't give you the same vibe as this does. The reason is this is different & has crossed from friendship to something else.
mammasita Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 When I was younger and an idiot, I loved being in a long distance relationship because I could do exactly this..... Have my cake, ice cream, cupcakes, chocolate and eat it ALL. She's doing the same. Enjoying her relationship with you, while carrying on and enjoying her relationship with her local guy. She may not admit she's doing this, but she is. 4
Imported Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I don't txt women into the early morning hours, call her pet names or accept a pet name or randomly and consistantly contact her unless we are having sex or I think we will be having sex. This would not be a "female friend". Your girlfriend would have to be really stupid to think that guy isn't hounding after her or most likely she is playing dumb and enjoying the attention. An actual female friend? "Hi, how are you doing?" "OK, good" "You have a nice day! Bye" That is how our interaction would be mostly and it'd all be chance meetings because I am not seeking her out.
WrinkledForehead Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Thanks mate, Yeah she has guy friends who are old friends and i have no worries with them. Even some of her new friends Ive met and have no issues with her being friends. Just this particular guy, I've never met him and told her i want to but it just hasn't happened. Ive asked her to stop talking to him and she puts it down to me not trusting her. Im just lost on what to do. Im gonna confront her however i don't know what she is going to say and i don't want to end it with her so I Tell her you don't trust her and tell her its because she lied. She should be on her best behavior and attempting to rebuild that trust. What it comes down to is what she values more: her relationship with you or her friendship with him. Partners need to discuss boundaries prior to incidences like these. And respect for the relationship should have the utmost of priorities.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 This situation reminds of an old song by R. Kelley from the late 1990's. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dp_ST0hjF4 Two years ago didn't know you had male friends...wait a minute let me finish. Two years ago didn't know you had male friends, off up in college. Found out your still reaching out to some of them. Mrs. busy body... You know it's old school because in the video R. is holding up an old fashioned address book. Now it would be text on a smart phone. My point is, OP, this woman is clearly not just friends with this guy. She has two guys. Both of you are kinda getting screwed over right now. Right now she's sitting pretty. Even if she messes up her relationship with one of you, the other will take her right away. It's called monkey branching. A monkey doesn't let go of one branch until they are securely ahold of the other. Some people do the same thing with relationships. To them the idea of being alone is as bad as falling from the top of a tree. So they make sure they always have some kind of "relationship" to fill the void inside of them. Plus it's just more fun to be in a fresh new relationship. When I was younger and an idiot, I loved being in a long distance relationship because I could do exactly this..... Have my cake, ice cream, cupcakes, chocolate and eat it ALL. She's doing the same. Enjoying her relationship with you, while carrying on and enjoying her relationship with her local guy. She may not admit she's doing this, but she is. I am so glad you said this. If a guy here said it he'd be declared "bitter". YES OP YOUNG WOMEN DO THIS. (Young men too but honestly it doesn't happen as often even for really good looking guys. They just drop the pretense of an LDR.) I would ad to this OP. Many women (yes and some men) are good at rewriting history of their relationships. Often in such a way that whoever they are most into at the moment is the one true and only love of their life. She's probably even telling this new guy that your just her old friend. TL;DR: We've all been in a situation like this in some way. Just let her go and have her local guy. Find a nice local woman and have a real face to face relationship. Long distances can be overcame, but only with 100% trust which you have no reason to place in her.
Hopeful30 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 This is tricky. On one hand, its absolutely fine to have friends of the opposite sex. I have some close male friends and I have pet names for them, and its all in good humour. Nothing has ever been sexual and we chill late at night after they finish work or the gym, have a smoke, they come over to say hey etc. HOWEVER, I have never lied about this to my man. I always tell him straight up "Listen, I have some guy friends and we hang out late at night because of work, or because XYZ, I just wanted you to know beforehand so you don't get any ideas". What I love about my current man is that he supports my friendships. These friends were here long before him, and on the contrary he tells me "okay babe, go hang out with XYZ and enjoy your smoke! text me when u get back home/finish" So its the lying that's usually the problem. At the same time, maybe in the past her exes gave her lots of sh*t for this, and she doesn't want it to repeat so she hides it from you. My only suggestion would be to talk to her about it. Tell her WHY you are having insecure thoughts ("you lied, you hid it etc") and express how you feel. I have tons of guy friends, and I talk to them about my current relationship sometimes, and they are very supportive and even saved this relationship a few times (aka i wanted to dump him but they helped me get an objective perspective and not make any rash decisions). They are genuinely good friends, and I love them. Maybe its the same with your girl, but I understand your concerns, because when people lie (even if its with good intentions) it always suggests that it's because they are hiding something.
regine_phalange Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 If they are new friends and already behave like this, you have every right to be annoyed. She is shady and doesnt do any effort to maintain your trust. I have two male friends. Ive known them 10 years each and love them very much. We do use pet names (non romantic, they are funny), which are also ten years old. But they know how to be discreet and respectful to me and my boyfriends. No late night texting, neither appearing on my doorstep unannounced when they come to my city. I would start getting my feet out of the door. Life is too small for torturing your mind about others' shadiness.
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