MissTrudy Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) I really clicked with a guy but he wasn't ready for a relationship. We both tried but he was still getting over his ex and I couldn't sit there as if it didn't bother me, and he couldn't see me without feeling guilt that he had lingering feelings, even if the feelings weren't always strong or positive. So I broke it off with him and I do think this was the best decision given what he told me, and given what I want, but I can't stop thinking about him and how I miss him. It isn't even that I miss all the romantic stuff and affection, I just miss his friendship and talking to him. Like there are a hundred things I've thought of this week that I want to tell him or ask him about because of the friendship we have. We shared so much in common, the quirky mutual interests that I desire in a friend and mate he had. And then there was the physical attraction too. But because of the physical attraction and his residual feelings for his ex I don't think it's smart for me to contact him right now. I know it's not smart. It's just so frustrating! And I am keeping myself extremely busy with friends, work, exercise, international travel, and charity work that I do. I wouldn't say I am lingering on him, except maybe for a few minutes before I go to bed at night. It's more like I have a problem that I know he could solve given his area of expertise, or I hear a song I think he'd like, or something funny happens that I realize he'd appreciate. My gut instinct when this stuff happens, right now, is to say something along the lines of "omg Ex would really like this!" But I am not talking to Ex. So I don't tell anyone. I am happy in every other realm of my life, my love life just sucks. I've been NC for a bit over a week (basically right after we ended it) and I think what's helping me get through it is that I made a plan to contact him later, in a few months, to see if he's made any progress. But now I am getting cold feet. I panic at my thoughts, like what if he isn't over her still? What if he is over her but is seeing someone else? What if he's over her but isn't interested in me anymore? I guess I would be okay with the last two options even if they such, but it would really hurt if he still wasn't over her. If I don't ask though I feel like I will be asking myself, what-if, for a very long time, even if I start dating other people and the guys are awesome. I am not dating anyone right now and I am going on a dating fast until I ask him again, partly because I am focusing on my career but also because I still have feelings for him and don't want to get involved with someone else until I have closed that chapter completely. I want a relationship, but when I think of my suitors, I only think about it being viable with him. There was something about him that I've never encountered with previous guys I've dated. Did anyone think early on after a break-up that there'd be a second chance with your ex, but changed your mind later? Do you regret your decision? Edited January 23, 2014 by MissTrudy 1
d0cholliday Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Hi! As I guy, I'm kinda doing this to one girl. I'm still not over my ex, and I told her all about it, we known eachother for a month, I told her the truth. I really like her, and like being in her company, I know she has the hots for me, but I feel like I would be lying to her if I was with her. She is kinda a pushy persons, always sending texts, facebook etc, always chatting, asking to meet, today we are going to meet on coffee. So what's in my man mind.... She is being to available to me, doesn't keep things interested, plus she is a relationship mateiral, I however currently am not for the relationship. You should go NC for a while, not for too long, and I believe he will contact you first. When you meet him, flirt with him, and if you really want to try to be romantically involved with him, relax, have a good time, and see where that takes you. No strings attached, if you can do that. Be good, be the best you can, he will see that, also boost his ego and confidence. Main goal is to evict his ex from his head, and move in, and you will do that, just relax, be cool, have an "open" mind, go slow, enjoy together. Well that would work on me, I guess. But wait for others to give their advice. Good luck!
Author MissTrudy Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Thanks for the advice d0cholliday! You were right he did contact me first and I was really surprised at first but then I thought about it, and now I am just confused. He texted me yesterday around dinner time saying that he did something he was really proud of himself for doing, and then immediately followed up with a text saying that maybe he shouldn't have texted me but I'm the only person he has talked to about the issue and that regardless he hopes I am doing well. I was out with friends so I didn't see the texts until way late but when I did see it 4 hours later I responded immediately, but I played it cool and was like: oh! what happened? I'm doing well hope all is ok with you too :)" short and sweet and casual i thought. haven't heard back from him though. He was really vague in his message so I have some ideas about what he's referring to but I am not completely sure. He just disappeared again though, so I am wondering if this was some sort of breadcrumb or if he is actually trying to get me back? I am not over him but I wasn't thinking about him obsessively, now that he reached out to me I have been waiting with baited breath for a response. I don't know if he has ulterior motives or not, or if my response was a little too kurt. I didn't want to make a big deal out of anything though even if I do miss him. I guess all I can do is wait and see, I responded kindly and appropriately I think so the ball is in his court.
d0cholliday Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Thanks for the advice d0cholliday! You were right he did contact me first and I was really surprised at first but then I thought about it, and now I am just confused. He texted me yesterday around dinner time saying that he did something he was really proud of himself for doing, and then immediately followed up with a text saying that maybe he shouldn't have texted me but I'm the only person he has talked to about the issue and that regardless he hopes I am doing well. I was out with friends so I didn't see the texts until way late but when I did see it 4 hours later I responded immediately, but I played it cool and was like: oh! what happened? I'm doing well hope all is ok with you too :)" short and sweet and casual i thought. haven't heard back from him though. He was really vague in his message so I have some ideas about what he's referring to but I am not completely sure. He just disappeared again though, so I am wondering if this was some sort of breadcrumb or if he is actually trying to get me back? I am not over him but I wasn't thinking about him obsessively, now that he reached out to me I have been waiting with baited breath for a response. I don't know if he has ulterior motives or not, or if my response was a little too kurt. I didn't want to make a big deal out of anything though even if I do miss him. I guess all I can do is wait and see, I responded kindly and appropriately I think so the ball is in his court. Do not overanalyze things. Keep moving on forward with your life without him. Don't text him first no matter what, we, guys, that messes up our brain, so he will probably text you again in some time, just wait and see. Time will show. Don't make a big deal out of it. He is playing games also, giving you breadcrumbs. Trying to get you back will look something like: Hey how are you, I miss you, something like that. Don't wait or hope for him to contact you... Just enjoy go out, go on a date if you can. Be cool, calm and kind towards him... Show him what he is missing. If you keep contact with him, just be short, sweet and cool. That's it. Update later before doing anything. Good luck 1
Author MissTrudy Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) of course there were no breakthroughs or a-ha moments or anything of that nature. he just wanted to talk about sexual stuff that we had talked about a long time ago. at least i can see his underlying motives now, if nothing else. i mean, what kind of guy hurts a girl's feelings by telling her he isn't ready for a relationship and then after two weeks of saying nothing, makes a vague remark and then when she responds starts talking about all the sexual things he wants to do with her?? I kind of egged him on too so now I feel even worse about it. i guess he isn't as great as i thought he was and i no longer think that he was into me the way i thought he was. what a disappointing bummer, what a lost cause Edited January 27, 2014 by MissTrudy 2
d0cholliday Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 of course there were no breakthroughs or a-ha moments or anything of that nature. he just wanted to talk about sexual stuff that we had talked about a long time ago. at least i can see his underlying motives now, if nothing else. i mean, what kind of guy hurts a girl's feelings by telling her he isn't ready for a relationship and then after two weeks of saying nothing, makes a vague remark and then when she responds starts talking about all the sexual things he wants to do with her?? I kind of egged him on too so now I feel even worse about it. i guess he isn't as great as i thought he was and i no longer think that he was into me the way i thought he was. what a disappointing bummer, what a lost cause I'm really sorry, but that's life, there are plenty of good guys out there 1
Arieswoman Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Don't accept breadcrumbs, and go NC. If he wants to "talk dirty" tell him to use a 'phone sex line. Move forward and away from this chap who is playing with your emotions. Good Luck.
Author MissTrudy Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Thanks guys. I am feeling better about the situation now although I am still a little hurt. I texted him this morning and told him that last night was a mistake and that we shouldn't talk anymore unless he's actually serious about me and over her. I figured that would shut him up and leave me alone. I don't really feel like dating again after all I've gone through with duds over the past two years, even though I do want to be in a relationship. But right now I give up. It's too much work and from what I can tell, the benefits are not that great. 1
Author MissTrudy Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 He did apologize and acknowledged again that he shouldn't have contacted me in the first place. I didn't respond though and I am not going to respond unless it's something substantial like "I miss you" or "I want to see you" or even better "I am over her." But in the mean time I am moving on with my life. 1
d0cholliday Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 He did apologize and acknowledged again that he shouldn't have contacted me in the first place. I didn't respond though and I am not going to respond unless it's something substantial like "I miss you" or "I want to see you" or even better "I am over her." But in the mean time I am moving on with my life. That's only thing you can do, so Good Luck!
StGeorge22 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 To me it seems a classic case that he wants to keep you hanging until he figures out what he wants. By messaging, he is making sure that you are still thinking of him while I bet anything that he is still talking to his ex. Good work by going NC. Even if he does message you with any I miss you stuff, it's still just words. Don't get sucked into it. Don't go back and forwards with that stuff unless a you are sure that he is genuine and wants to be with you and b that you actually still want him. My ex strung me along for a year with bread crumps and I miss yous only to move interstate to be with another guy, who she was obviously still talking to the whole time while trying to work on things with me. Don't make the same mistake!
Author MissTrudy Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 This past week has been NC but the wounds have been opened and I've been miserable because I am reliving all of the misery from when I first called it off and having doubts about everything. I decided to reactivate an okc today, thinking dates or at least talking to other guys would help me, and of course one of the first people I see with a high match % is him. We didn't meet through OKC and he didn't have a profile when I was using it before we met (I checked). Of course this just made me more miserable. I am so confused and hurt. I thought he was working on himself and maybe he is but he's obviously looking to be with someone right now and to me it seems obvious that he just didn't think I was "it" for him, regardless of what he said to me when we went NC the first time and the second time. I know I shouldn't care but it HURTS SO MUCH :/. I don't even know if it's worth contacting him in a few months, by then he'll probably have a new girlfriend. If he's seeking to meet someone through OKC I doubt he's going to contact me again; he isn't working on himself to be with me. I know I should forget about it, that it's a reflection on his immaturity, and not take it personally, etc etc but it's hard not to take it personally when it's someone you've allowed yourself to become vulnerable to, and he allowed himself to be vulnerable to me (or so I thought. who knows now).
Author MissTrudy Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 To me it seems a classic case that he wants to keep you hanging until he figures out what he wants. By messaging, he is making sure that you are still thinking of him while I bet anything that he is still talking to his ex. Good work by going NC. Even if he does message you with any I miss you stuff, it's still just words. Don't get sucked into it. Don't go back and forwards with that stuff unless a you are sure that he is genuine and wants to be with you and b that you actually still want him. My ex strung me along for a year with bread crumps and I miss yous only to move interstate to be with another guy, who she was obviously still talking to the whole time while trying to work on things with me. Don't make the same mistake! Maybe he's talking to her again now but while we were together we were talking 24/7 I literally don't think he had time to be with someone else...if we weren't talking or together it's because we were asleep...and we'd fall asleep on the phone together. That's neither here or there anymore though. I don't expect him to say he wants to get back together with me, if that were his goal he would work on getting over his ex so that he could be with me (or someone else), not looking to date people right now when he is "confused." He probably wasn't confused. He just didn't want to be with me.
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