dexterfan Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 A little backround info. Me and my GF have been dating for a little over a year and all seems to be going pretty good so far. A couple days away we had an argument over the phone stemming from her taking someone elses prescription medication. I think it is for ADHD. She states it helps her focus and do homework. I told her that is drug abuse and she should'nt be doing it and I'm concern that might have harmful effects. She claims she know what she is doing and is not a drug addict. I communicated my concern and told her I hate the fact that she is too "relax" when it comes to taking "controlled substances" She got all upset and tell me I hurt her and that I don't trust her Now it has been a couple days and she demands an apology but I don't think I did anything wrong for having a different opinion when it comes to drugs and genuine concern for her. She thinks I'm trying to control her and win this argument. I'm at a lost of what to do. We have never been in a fight that lasted more than a day or two. Please any advice or input is appreciated Thanks
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I told her that is drug abuse and she should'nt be doing it and I'm concern that might have harmful effects. I communicated my concern and told her I hate the fact that she is too "relax" when it comes to taking "controlled substances" She thinks I'm trying to control her and win this argument Well... you are trying to control her, by telling her she she shouldn't be doing it, and that you hate how chilled she is about it. So she's right in a way. Personally if someone tried to tell me off for doing something like I'm a child I would be furious too. You either respect her right to make her own decisions or you don't. You either accept the decisions she makes and her views on stuff like substances, or you don't. You can choose to walk away if you don't want to be with somebody that abuses substances, but as a grown adult you can't really tell her what to do. In your position I would apologise for trying to control her, but express your reasons for concern over her behaviour once more and then leave it. Keep an eye on it. If it bothers you and you flip at her over it she'll only hide it from you. You have to decide I guess whether or not you can be with somebody who is willing to misuse someone else's medication or not, when it's something you feel so strongly about. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Don't you dare apologize. You are upset with her because she engaged in possibly illegal activities that have the potential to kill her. Forget apologize. Break up with her drug taking butt. 1
HokeyReligions Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Don't you dare apologize. You are upset with her because she engaged in possibly illegal activities that have the potential to kill tt. I kinda agree. You certainly have the right to speak your mind. You care about her and she needs to chill out and be grateful she has someone. I don't know if she's an addict but this behavior could be a deal breaker for both of you. That doesn't mean you are controlling it just means you may have reached an impass in the relationship. If I were you I would call her and say something like "I'm not going to apologize for caring about you and we do need to talk about our communication and our relationship. Will you do that?" 1
bubbaganoosh Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Well... you are trying to control her, by telling her she she shouldn't be doing it, and that you hate how chilled she is about it. So she's right in a way. Personally if someone tried to tell me off for doing something like I'm a child I would be furious too. You either respect her right to make her own decisions or you don't. You either accept the decisions she makes and her views on stuff like substances, or you don't. You can choose to walk away if you don't want to be with somebody that abuses substances, but as a grown adult you can't really tell her what to do. In your position I would apologise for trying to control her, but express your reasons for concern over her behaviour once more and then leave it. Keep an eye on it. If it bothers you and you flip at her over it she'll only hide it from you. You have to decide I guess whether or not you can be with somebody who is willing to misuse someone else's medication or not, when it's something you feel so strongly about. Sorry but your wrong. There's a difference between controlling and being worried that she's taking medication that has not been prescribed to her. That's flat out dangerous and he has every right voicing his concern. I love it when all of a sudden she knows what she's doing. If she had a half of a brain, maybe a good nights sleep would be a better medicine then taking a unprescribed pill to keep you going. If anything she should apologize for being irresponsible. 2
yonex Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I take prescribed prescription amphetamines(stims) for ADD to help me focus on university academics. These are highly addictive medications, and need to be used sparingly to avoid addiction. Most days I'm taking them and sometimes the side effects scare even me, but they are the only thing that helps me focus. Even though I don't like to think about it, I'm probably addicted to these medications, but I see a doctor who I check up on every few weeks. If your girlfriend say uses them once every month or two, I don't see any issue as long as her dose is reasonable. These medications are known to cause very serious side effects if that individual has any pre-existing genes cardiac problems. I'd let her know you care about her, and let her know that these medications are not for everyone, so if she has to take some she should take the smallest effective dose.
Author dexterfan Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Thanks for all the responses. I just spoke with her and she agrees to stop taking them and understand where I am coming from and will consult a doctor to see if she needs them. That seems reasonable to me 1
ascendotum Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Don't you dare apologize. You are upset with her because she engaged in possibly illegal activities that have the potential to kill her. Forget apologize. Break up with her drug taking butt. I agree with the no apology bit. I don't think he owes her one for voicing his concern over her doing what she did. I don't agree with the last bit, though I respect that people have different opinions on the matter. ADHD meds are dolled out to millions, like Anti Depressant meds these days. Like many she could get scripts to help with exams by faking the symptoms. Its a little reckless, and I think they are way over prescribed & abused (I don't agree with her taking it as a study aid) but as for dicing with death, that's over the top.
yonex Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I agree with the no apology bit. I don't think he owes her one for voicing his concern over her doing what she did. I don't agree with the last bit, though I respect that people have different opinions on the matter. ADHD meds are dolled out to millions, like Anti Depressant meds these days. Like many she could get scripts to help with exams by faking the symptoms. Its a little reckless, and I think they are way over prescribed & abused (I don't agree with her taking it as a study aid) but as for dicing with death, that's over the top. You're right they are way over scripted. Sure its rare one would die from stimulants, but there have been deaths due to these medications, especially used without doctors supervision. Though uncommon high doses of stimulants can cause irregular heartbeat, dangerously high body temperatures and the potential for seizures or heart failure. More common side effects are of course not that bad, but still not pleasant.
Keenly Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You went all "Dad" on her and she feels like you crossed the line in terms of telling her what to do or how to live. That's all. Should you apologize? Ehhhhh. Probably not. She's being a little dramatic about it but then again, so were you, so I guess now you just gotta figure out how straightedge you want your next mate to be? Unless you can live and let live. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I don't think I'm wrong... Objectively he DID try to control her. Whether you agree with his doing so or not, that's what happened. That's what she's pissed about and you know, I can see why. Whatever the action and however crazy it is, I'd still be annoyed at being told what to do by somebody. Sure, express your views but don't try and dictate. I didn't say apologise for being against the drug taking. But apologise for failing to see his girlfriend as a fully capable adult who can make her own mind up. That is if he wants to re open communication and move on, which he seems to want to do. Do people really think that coming down all hard line on someone will cause them to change their behaviour on an issue like this? In my limited experience of volunteering in drug/alcohol dependency fields it will not. She will simply hide the behaviour in future. Which brings me back to saying that the choice should boil down to being with her or not. Not trying to force her to do as he wishes. Which won't make a difference.
ivalm Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) I don't think I'm wrong... Objectively he DID try to control her. Whether you agree with his doing so or not, that's what happened. That's what she's pissed about and you know, I can see why. Whatever the action and however crazy it is, I'd still be annoyed at being told what to do by somebody. Sure, express your views but don't try and dictate. I didn't say apologise for being against the drug taking. But apologise for failing to see his girlfriend as a fully capable adult who can make her own mind up. That is if he wants to re open communication and move on, which he seems to want to do. Do people really think that coming down all hard line on someone will cause them to change their behaviour on an issue like this? In my limited experience of volunteering in drug/alcohol dependency fields it will not. She will simply hide the behaviour in future. Which brings me back to saying that the choice should boil down to being with her or not. Not trying to force her to do as he wishes. Which won't make a difference. The OP has nothing to apologize for. Part of being in a committed/caring LTR is to be worried about your partner. If my GF does something that is destructive to her I would certainly voice my disapproval and ask her to stop. It's not called being "controlling" it's called being a good partner! Heck, everyone once in a while does something without fully realizing all of the consequences. It's very helpful if my GF or friend/family member tells me "you shouldn't do this ivalm because of [insert reason]". You argument that "she is an adult" is not very persuasive. After all, one of the main reasons why having a GF/BF is useful is so you can have "support" which includes being told when you're doing something wrong. To be "controlling" is when a person tries to intervene either "destructively" or "micromanaging". Asking your long term partner to stop a behavior which is at best "grey" is completely legitimate, even if, in some way, it asserts "control" (although in reality we all control each other, so it's never about exerting "control" it's about the extent, an the OP certainly did not cross the line to become "controlling"). Anyways, if my GF would behave like the one described in the OP I would definitely tell her that she needs to stop and I would break up with her if she did not. If she needs the medicine legitimately, she can get it through her doctor. If she uses it illegitimately, then she needs to stop. There is absolutely no reason to date someone who breaks the law and is running a risk of harming herself. Edited January 23, 2014 by ivalm
Ruby Slippers Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Those drugs aren't good for anybody. But some people without prescriptions do use them to focus. From what I've read about those drugs, they're mostly like speed. So it's a condensed pot of black coffee for a cram study session. Everyone has their own comfort level with recreational substances, and yours seems to be more conservative than your girlfriend's. Only you know if this is a deal-breaker for you. You can't force her to stop, and she's made it very clear where she stands on this matter. Talk to her about it from a place of love and concern, rather than fear and judgment. Amphetamine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Orangecrush55 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 From someone who dated someone who didnt see things like this a big deal for almost 3 years let me offer some advice that some have already said. In a lot of cases, like mine, it will always be a problem. This is how mine started. Most likely if this isnt a deal breaker and the relationship continues she will only start to feel you out about what she can tell you and what she cant. She will find ways to hide it from you because usually if they dont see it as a big deal then then they will see no reason to change. Now if you have someone who values your relationship she would realize your concern and would quit those actions if it made you uneasy. But it seems like if she was that way she wouldnt have gotten so defensive about the situation. Best of luck
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 ADHD meds are dolled out to millions, like Anti Depressant meds these days. Like many she could get scripts to help with exams by faking the symptoms. Its a little reckless, and I think they are way over prescribed & abused (I don't agree with her taking it as a study aid) but as for dicing with death, that's over the top. If the meds were given to her by a licensed physician even if she lied about her symptoms to get them, I'd feel a little better. But here, the OP started the thread by saying that his GF was taking somebody else's meds. Taking somebody else's meds can kill you. Medications need to be monitored by a doctor or at least a pharmacist because they may interact with other meds or be contra-indicated by a different medical condition. Since no learned professional is overseeing the GF's ingestion of these ADHD meds the risks increase substantially in ways lay people on a message board might not appreciate.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 All you've done now OP is ensure that if she does this again she will simply hide it from you. You won't be able to decide whether or not you wanna be with someone who takes drugs because you will be kept in the dark. Which is why it's better to not come down hard and heavy. You won't change their behaviour and all that's happened is it is underground and you'll be kept in the dark. Hope it works out somehow.
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