Are these 'red flags' by my second 'date'??

[scottteal]

In a nutshell - met a girl online - said she'd like to meet and go out for lunch - but first this had to be after her 'church'....OK - no judging on my part (I'm an atheist by would never tell anyone what to believe)

 

Lunch went well - her church was one of those new age ones with lots of singing and clapping. Fair enough.

 

Agreed we'd like to see each other again - so after no contact from her - I rang her two days later - she said she couldn't talk because she was in an open office and had no privacy - she'd call me that night.

 

Ended up she texted me that night - no call - and asked would I like to go to church with her next Sunday and then out to lunch? I texted back I would - she said I could meet at her house and we'd drive in together.

 

So no contact for three days and I meet her at her place - she met me at the door - didn't want me to come inside. Cool.

 

Went to church with her - she was quite into it (hands in the air etc) and giving a donation.

 

At lunch she told me about her family - mother married three times, bipolar, tried to kill herself. She had to grow up fast - no time for hobbies or interests - said she spent a lot of time 'in her head' (lead me to wonder if she had 'bipolar' herself as its largely hereditary but again - no judging on my behalf - I've been out with a bipolar girl who was often - 'in her head' - which was 'difficult' to say the least).

 

When I asked what was on the cards for her this year - eg work, life etc - she said 'nothing really'. Silence...OK then...

 

After we finished she voluntarily went in for the kiss goodbye and I reciprocated - I said we'd talk next week.

 

So after another three days of no contact from her - no 'great to see you again'...I tried to call her but her phone just rang out - she had told me she doesn't have voicemail - so I couldn't leave a message. She would have seen I had rung - but it's the following day now - and she hasn't contacted me..

 

Things just don't seem 'normal' or am I reading too much into all this behaviour? Is she just playing it really 'cool'?

 

Your help is much appreciated. Cheers Scott

[spiderowl]

When you say 'no contact', do you mean neither of your tried to contact each other in between meeting or that you did but she didn't respond? As a woman, I'd expect the guy to make initial contacts and then I'd respond to show interest.

 

I have to say, you two don't sound ideally suited as she's religious and you don't seem into that at all. I wonder how you'd cope when religion starts to become a major part of everything in the relationship.

[Zelias]

Here is what you should of done

 

You should of grabbed her phone number, and told her you had a great time, that's it for that part. You should of called 6-9 days later and if she answered, tell her this is so and so, would you like to go and grab some coffee or lunch or whatever.

 

If she was interested in you, she would of gotten out of that open office and went somewhere quieter and talked with you then, instead she told you she would call you later that night. Since when does she call you and tell you when she would call? She's taking charge and you're being a wimp.

 

She asked you to go to church and then to lunch. Why is she making the plans, why are you not making the plans? It looks like she wants to be friends rather than anything more. She wants a buddy to string along with.

 

When a girl doesn't invite you inside her place after all this hanging out, you have no chance, you are finished. That should of been a sign, I guess you missed it.

 

This girl seems whacked out of her mind, she tried to kill herself? why are you with someone who is trying to kill herself, doesn't she have anything positive to look forward too? And she doesn't have any goals to pursue that whole year......? She's a joke man, this chick couldn't keep a relationship if someone told her how to

 

You tried calling her, she saw you as weak and presented no challenge to her and didn't pick up the calls, I'm sure she was looking right at it when you called her and she didn't pick it up, another red flag which shows she is not interested.

 

Scott, stop wasting your time with this girl and find someone else dude, this chick is not the one for you, she has sent all these signals to you and you didn't notice anyone of them

 

I really wish you could see these signs and just realize you deserve better. Just forget about her, if you keep calling, you become annoying, just place yourself in her shoes. Move on, Mooooovvveeee ONNNNNNNN.

 

Good luck to you sir!

[truth_seeker]

As soon as she mentioned the family problems I would have put on a good face, gave her a hug at the end of the "date" and never speak to her again.

 

She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.

[acrosstheuniverse]

As soon as she mentioned the family problems I would have put on a good face, gave her a hug at the end of the "date" and never speak to her again.

 

She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.

 

Really?

 

Do people think this way...? What if I mentioned that I lost my mother to alcoholism, my dad is on his third marriage, we didn't speak for four years, one sister is in jail, one brother is a sociopath who has been in jail and I have nothing to do with the other brother?

 

Would you presume that meant I was messed up and not want to continue dating? I'm not judging you in the slightest or offended/upset by the idea, I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, OP, this girl doesn't sound interested at all. Next.

[truth_seeker]

Really?

 

Do people think this way...? What if I mentioned that I lost my mother to alcoholism, my dad is on his third marriage, we didn't speak for four years, one sister is in jail, one brother is a sociopath who has been in jail and I have nothing to do with the other brother?

 

Would you presume that meant I was messed up and not want to continue dating? I'm not judging you in the slightest or offended/upset by the idea, I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, OP, this girl doesn't sound interested at all. Next.

 

Honestly, with all of that baggage, I would have to think it would have a big affect on you. I would be turned off. Family background is an important factor with me.

[scottteal]

Thanks for your responses everyone. No - neither of us contacted each other the next day - I think we were both playing it cool.

 

That's a good point about religion - I suppose at this stage I just didn't want to be too 'judgemental' and remain 'open'.

 

It was her mother who tried to kill herself - she then had to cope with her mother's behaviour' from a very young age and has since learnt to 'cut off' from her.

 

I just thought this girl's behaviour after a first date - and saying she wanted to see me again - seemed slightly...ahhh odd...afterwards.

 

There was none of that 'excitement' in meeting someone new and really wanting to see and talk to them again.

[InnocentMan]

Really?

 

Do people think this way...? What if I mentioned that I lost my mother to alcoholism, my dad is on his third marriage, we didn't speak for four years, one sister is in jail, one brother is a sociopath who has been in jail and I have nothing to do with the other brother?

 

Would you presume that meant I was messed up and not want to continue dating? I'm not judging you in the slightest or offended/upset by the idea, I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, OP, this girl doesn't sound interested at all. Next.

 

Depends how hot you are, obv. Levels of prettiness negate levels of craziness. Do woman not know this?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Honestly, with all of that baggage, I would have to think it would have a big affect on you. I would be turned off. Family background is an important factor with me.

 

That's fair enough! It has had the effect that I'm a strong person and capable of dealing with a lot of stuff without getting stressed out. And I like to think I see the bigger picture of what's important and appreciate the good things I've got. But each to their own. When you come from a messed up background other people's backgrounds aren't so important, I guess if you have come from a certain stable family background you might want that in a partner too to reduce the chances of people being unstable/more likely to gain approval from your family?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Depends how hot you are, obv. Levels of prettiness negate levels of craziness. Do woman not know this?

 

Haha. I've been told I'm hot. I've never been told I'm crazy, though.

 

It's kinda sad it's seen as negative baggage when literally none of that stuff is my fault. But I can see how it might seem weird/confusing/intimidating/worrying if someone hasn't been through similar issues.

[D-Lish]

Really?

 

Do people think this way...? What if I mentioned that I lost my mother to alcoholism, my dad is on his third marriage, we didn't speak for four years, one sister is in jail, one brother is a sociopath who has been in jail and I have nothing to do with the other brother?

 

Would you presume that meant I was messed up and not want to continue dating? I'm not judging you in the slightest or offended/upset by the idea, I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, OP, this girl doesn't sound interested at all. Next.

 

If you mentioned it on the first date I would surely walk away. I think all of that would be TMI for a first date.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If you mentioned it on the first date I would surely walk away. I think all of that would be TMI for a first date.

 

Oh, of course I wouldn't. The most would be when a guy asks after my family I'd just say I'm really close to my dad and stepmum and my mum isn't around any more. That's enough info. But you make a good point, I suppose this was second date she brought all of this really deep stuff up. Maybe a sign that she isn't quite at peace with it all yet.

[aussietigerwolf]

Honestly, with all of that baggage, I would have to think it would have a big affect on you. I would be turned off. Family background is an important factor with me.

 

*waves to the person high in their ivory tower*

[acrosstheuniverse]

*waves to the person high in their ivory tower*

 

On one hand, I agree... who doesn't have baggage?

 

But on the other, I respect anyone's right to make whatever judgements they want with regards to the person they want to date. If someone wants to overlook me because of events out of my control without taking into account the evidence in front of them (my life, my personality, my achievements) I doubt I would feel a match for them either so all is well.

 

To be honest OP the biggest glaring problem for me was the fact that she is VERY religious and you are not at all. I'm atheist and I couldn't imagine dating somebody who had a belief in god. Some may say that's judgmental and discriminatory but I disagree. I have many friends who are religious, but for a life partner it's the most fundamental thing we could possibly disagree on and as religion seeps into most aspects of your life, I just can't imagine being compatible.

[TXGuy]

Really?

 

Do people think this way...? What if I mentioned that I lost my mother to alcoholism, my dad is on his third marriage, we didn't speak for four years, one sister is in jail, one brother is a sociopath who has been in jail and I have nothing to do with the other brother?

 

Would you presume that meant I was messed up and not want to continue dating? I'm not judging you in the slightest or offended/upset by the idea, I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, OP, this girl doesn't sound interested at all. Next.

 

No offense if that is your circumstance, but absolutely.

[D-Lish]

Oh, of course I wouldn't. The most would be when a guy asks after my family I'd just say I'm really close to my dad and stepmum and my mum isn't around any more. That's enough info. But you make a good point, I suppose this was second date she brought all of this really deep stuff up. Maybe a sign that she isn't quite at peace with it all yet.

 

I think if it were a progressive reveal, that would be different. There is a red flag attached to someone that would reveal tmi on a first date.

 

Everyone has baggage. There is a difference between people that would

judge, and people that would just deem the baggage as incompatible with their own.

 

We all have baggage related to experiences in life that are intrinsic to us and us alone.

 

Often, what we attribute to others as trappings is a reflection of our own insecurities.

[ChatroomHero]

Just from what I have seen from women like this is they are independent and not always looking for anything stable because their past has been so unstable they don't know any other way.

 

 

In my experience you can probably hang out with her, have fun, and semi-date her, but it might be like pulling teeth if you expect her to be the perfect gf or if you are looking for the movie-like relationship.

 

 

It sounds like you want something different and even though your meet-ups haven't been all bad, she doesn't fit what you are looking for. I don't know if any of those are overwhelming red flags but I am guessing they are signaling that this girl doesn't fit what you want in a gf. You could give her more time if you like her that much, it might take her a longer time to warm up to the idea.

[Babolat]

In a nutshell - met a girl online - said she'd like to meet and go out for lunch - but first this had to be after her 'church'....OK - no judging on my part (I'm an atheist by would never tell anyone what to believe)

 

Lunch went well - her church was one of those new age ones with lots of singing and clapping. Fair enough.

 

Agreed we'd like to see each other again - so after no contact from her - I rang her two days later - she said she couldn't talk because she was in an open office and had no privacy - she'd call me that night.

 

Ended up she texted me that night - no call - and asked would I like to go to church with her next Sunday and then out to lunch? I texted back I would - she said I could meet at her house and we'd drive in together.

 

So no contact for three days and I meet her at her place - she met me at the door - didn't want me to come inside. Cool.

 

Went to church with her - she was quite into it (hands in the air etc) and giving a donation.

 

At lunch she told me about her family - mother married three times, bipolar, tried to kill herself. She had to grow up fast - no time for hobbies or interests - said she spent a lot of time 'in her head' (lead me to wonder if she had 'bipolar' herself as its largely hereditary but again - no judging on my behalf - I've been out with a bipolar girl who was often - 'in her head' - which was 'difficult' to say the least).

 

When I asked what was on the cards for her this year - eg work, life etc - she said 'nothing really'. Silence...OK then...

 

After we finished she voluntarily went in for the kiss goodbye and I reciprocated - I said we'd talk next week.

 

So after another three days of no contact from her - no 'great to see you again'...I tried to call her but her phone just rang out - she had told me she doesn't have voicemail - so I couldn't leave a message. She would have seen I had rung - but it's the following day now - and she hasn't contacted me..

 

Things just don't seem 'normal' or am I reading too much into all this behaviour? Is she just playing it really 'cool'?

 

Your help is much appreciated. Cheers Scott

Red flag for me was church on the 2nd date...I would have said no to that, just me though.

[Babolat]

Really?

 

Do people think this way...? What if I mentioned that I lost my mother to alcoholism, my dad is on his third marriage, we didn't speak for four years, one sister is in jail, one brother is a sociopath who has been in jail and I have nothing to do with the other brother?

 

Would you presume that meant I was messed up and not want to continue dating? I'm not judging you in the slightest or offended/upset by the idea, I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, OP, this girl doesn't sound interested at all. Next.

 

I would not walk away immediately or presume you were messed up. I would spend time with you learning more about how you are, how have you adjusted/healed from this. It's not a red flag to me, more of a warning to pay attention.