grignard12 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 My fiance and i have recently gotten engaged, one week ago. While she was out of town visiting her disabled mother, like she does quite often, in the town we used to live in across the state, I looked at an old phone of hers and saw that she was communicating with her ex on "kik". We have been together for ~4.5 years and she had cheated on me multiple times with this guy during the first 2 years of the relationship, each time she confessed to me, begged for forgiveness and promised to never do it again and break off all contact with this guy. I was finally to the point where i trusted her completely and believed she had no contact with this guy for the past 2 years. When I discovered this on her old phone i decided to look on her current phone and discovered that she has been talking to him lately. She has deleted her conversation so i do not know if they have been physical or they have been just talking. Since i don't know all the facts and know if i confront her she will lie about it, I have trying to act normally as to try and discover conversations that she is having and to try to determine the full story. She has caught me talking with other girls in the past but i never had any sort of affair with them, i never talked with them for more than a few days. she has been carrying on this affair our entire relationship. I have been trying to figure out whether to confront her now about talking to him or to wait until i know the full story to confront her?
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 My fiance and i have recently gotten engaged, one week ago. While she was out of town visiting her disabled mother, like she does quite often, in the town we used to live in across the state, I looked at an old phone of hers and saw that she was communicating with her ex on "kik". We have been together for ~4.5 years and she had cheated on me multiple times with this guy during the first 2 years of the relationship, each time she confessed to me, begged for forgiveness and promised to never do it again and break off all contact with this guy. I was finally to the point where i trusted her completely and believed she had no contact with this guy for the past 2 years. When I discovered this on her old phone i decided to look on her current phone and discovered that she has been talking to him lately. She has deleted her conversation so i do not know if they have been physical or they have been just talking. Since i don't know all the facts and know if i confront her she will lie about it, I have trying to act normally as to try and discover conversations that she is having and to try to determine the full story. She has caught me talking with other girls in the past but i never had any sort of affair with them, i never talked with them for more than a few days. she has been carrying on this affair our entire relationship. I have been trying to figure out whether to confront her now about talking to him or to wait until i know the full story to confront her? Ok, sunbeam.... Sorry, but.... what are you actually not getting here? She's a liar, a cheat and has been deceiving you all the way through. She won't admit her fault, and yet, here you are still asking.....? Ok, let me try to put this in the simplest of terms. Dump her, now, and never look back. End this now. She is not your fiancée, she is using you. Finish this, as soon as possible. 6
tiredofitall2 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 My fiance and i have recently gotten engaged, one week ago. While she was out of town visiting her disabled mother, like she does quite often, in the town we used to live in across the state, I looked at an old phone of hers and saw that she was communicating with her ex on "kik". We have been together for ~4.5 years and she had cheated on me multiple times with this guy during the first 2 years of the relationship, each time she confessed to me, begged for forgiveness and promised to never do it again and break off all contact with this guy. I was finally to the point where i trusted her completely and believed she had no contact with this guy for the past 2 years. When I discovered this on her old phone i decided to look on her current phone and discovered that she has been talking to him lately. She has deleted her conversation so i do not know if they have been physical or they have been just talking. Since i don't know all the facts and know if i confront her she will lie about it, I have trying to act normally as to try and discover conversations that she is having and to try to determine the full story. She has caught me talking with other girls in the past but i never had any sort of affair with them, i never talked with them for more than a few days. she has been carrying on this affair our entire relationship. I have been trying to figure out whether to confront her now about talking to him or to wait until i know the full story to confront her? Why did you engage? You NEED to let her go and move on. Do NOT marry a woman that will cheat even before you marry. She WILL cheat and abandon you once married. Be ready for a broken home, child support or abandoned children. 3
thummper Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Sorry, Grignard, but my advice would be to make her your Ex-fiancé, and the sooner the better. She seems to be hung up on this guy and if you do wind up staying together, you'll always be "looking over your shoulder" to see what's going on NOW between the two of them. I just don't feel that it's worth your peace of mind to have to be forever wondering. Better do it now rather than later when you might have children in the mix to worry about. 2
thummper Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 As the old saying goes "there is no profit in delay." Let her go and find happiness with the OM. That seems to be what she really wants, crocodile tears and begging notwithstanding.
d0nnivain Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Whatever you do, don't put down an deposits on a wedding. Can you call the EX BF? would he tell you the truth?
harrybrown Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You are not married to her. Get out now! or you will end up divorced and paying alimony, etc. Get out now! 3
bubbaganoosh Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Go ahead and marry her. Shes cheats. You take her back. She cheats. You take her back. If you haven't learned your lesson by now, you never will. You can get page after page of people telling you to bail out, get out, run for the hills and any other way to describe it and the reason is they have been there, trusted, forgiven and got kicked in the teeth so keep up with what your doing and don't listen but just remember when it happens again and again, you were warned and then friend you can only blame yourself. 3
beach Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'd think it's time to get un engaged. And allow everyone to understand why. No need to confront her - she's likely to just lie again. If there's no trust = there's no relationship. She's made 4.5 years a sham. 1
samsungxoxo Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) I don't even see what's the point of marrying not only a former but current cheater. How on earth did she made it towards fiancee status? At most, she would be a long time ex gf and at most minimum a gf but marriage material???? Meanwhile many women who are faithful in their relationships continue staying at forever live-in gfs status and eventually get tired of waiting for that proposal or get dumped after all those years of hard investment and effort put. Yet, here is a girl who doesn't even have fidelity as the main quality and does no effort at all but yet still gets engaged. Edited January 23, 2014 by samsungxoxo 1
Keenly Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Might want to look into a seeing eye dog, because you seem to be blind to what occurs right in front of you... do you really think so low of yourself that this is the best you can do ? 2
LeGenDary_Man Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Your fiancée have not moved on from her EX yet and her relationship with you is a sham. Dump her. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 My fiance and i have recently gotten engaged, one week ago. While she was out of town visiting her disabled mother, like she does quite often, in the town we used to live in across the state, I looked at an old phone of hers and saw that she was communicating with her ex on "kik". We have been together for ~4.5 years and she had cheated on me multiple times with this guy during the first 2 years of the relationship, each time she confessed to me, begged for forgiveness and promised to never do it again and break off all contact with this guy. I was finally to the point where i trusted her completely and believed she had no contact with this guy for the past 2 years. When I discovered this on her old phone i decided to look on her current phone and discovered that she has been talking to him lately. She has deleted her conversation so i do not know if they have been physical or they have been just talking. Since i don't know all the facts and know if i confront her she will lie about it, I have trying to act normally as to try and discover conversations that she is having and to try to determine the full story. She has caught me talking with other girls in the past but i never had any sort of affair with them, i never talked with them for more than a few days. she has been carrying on this affair our entire relationship. I have been trying to figure out whether to confront her now about talking to him or to wait until i know the full story to confront her? Please postpone your wedding immediately. In fact, I'd call it off completely. Do not marry her, she's proven to you enough times that she can't be trusted. She has no business, no reason whatsoever to still be talking to her ex that she's cheated on you twice with. Listen to your gut..fact is, she's deleted texts and conversations so that says something doesn't it. They should not be talking, yet they are... 1
BeholdtheMan Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 We have been together for ~4.5 years and she had cheated on me multiple times with this guy during the first 2 years of the relationship, each time she confessed to me, begged for forgiveness and promised to never do it again and break off all contact with this guy. I was finally to the point where i trusted her completely and believed she had no contact with this guy for the past 2 years. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result Another definition is marrying a known cheater 4
BetrayedH Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) Some people can cheat once, learn their lesson, and never cheat again. I don't blame you for giving her a second chance. Your fiancee has had multiple chances and while there has been an expectation that she have no contact with him, she's blown it. But your question was about when to confront her. You are correct that if you confront her without proof, she will likely just lie, deny, and minimize. The handbook tells them to only admit to what you already know. Confronting her now serves no purpose but to inform her that you're watching and you'd likely never know the full truth. Hell, she'd probably just say that she's been telling him to leave her alone. And you'd be forced to buy that line. Please don't confront her with "nothing." Another choice is to keep up with investigative mode. Typically my advice with that is to remember that you don't need to convince her that she's cheating, you only need to convince yourself. You already know she's in contact with an exboyfriend with whom she has cheated on you multiple times when she's agreed to have no contact with him ever again. She doesn't respect you or your relationship enough to stop. Is that acceptable? Don't accept unacceptable treatment. What purpose does a confrontation really serve? You know how I recommend betrayed spouses contront their wayward spouses? With divorce papers. I recommend you find a similar method with your soon-to-be-ex-fiancee. If she doesn't live with you, pack a box of her stuff and drop it off to her at work. If she does live with you, pack her bags and leave them on the front step (or better yet, leave them at the other man's house and give him a heads up that she's moving in). Respect yourself and she might. If you don't respect yourself, she most certainly won't. Edited January 23, 2014 by BetrayedH
TheBladeRunner Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'd think twice about getting married to her. My first wife did the same crap before we were married and in the end, you guessed it, she wound up cheating again. The real problem you may face is that if you do get married and she does chest again, you will only have yourself to blame as I did. I knew, yet I still married her. Granted, infidelity is wrong no matter how you slice it, but "I picked her". I wouldn't do it, JMO. 1
aliveagain Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 My fiance and i have recently gotten engaged, one week ago. While she was out of town visiting her disabled mother, like she does quite often, in the town we used to live in across the state, I looked at an old phone of hers and saw that she was communicating with her ex on "kik". We have been together for ~4.5 years and she had cheated on me multiple times with this guy during the first 2 years of the relationship, each time she confessed to me, begged for forgiveness and promised to never do it again and break off all contact with this guy. I was finally to the point where i trusted her completely and believed she had no contact with this guy for the past 2 years. When I discovered this on her old phone i decided to look on her current phone and discovered that she has been talking to him lately. She has deleted her conversation so i do not know if they have been physical or they have been just talking. Since i don't know all the facts and know if i confront her she will lie about it, I have trying to act normally as to try and discover conversations that she is having and to try to determine the full story. She has caught me talking with other girls in the past but i never had any sort of affair with them, i never talked with them for more than a few days. she has been carrying on this affair our entire relationship. I have been trying to figure out whether to confront her now about talking to him or to wait until i know the full story to confront her? You have all the information you need to make a decision, she didn't keep her word to you again. Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. You already know she is going lie to you when you confront her so why waste anymore time? Your at a crossroad, you can choose to stay with a proven cheater and a liar or you can end it now and work on healing yourself so you are available when the right woman does come into your life. There are things worse than breaking up, sharing your girlfriend with other men is one of them.
BHsigh Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Ok, this looks unanimous, so I will support the crowd as well. Run now, run fast, don't look back. And of course she'll deny whatever you throw at her, but just talking to this guy again and hiding it from you should be more than enough reason for you you leave her. You gave her a second chance (and a thrid, fourth...how many total?), and that should be it. 1
Author grignard12 Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Thank you all for your frank and honest replies. I have decided to leave her, I am still in the investigative mode and she is not aware that i know the password to her phone and that she is talking to him. I'm going to monitor her conversations with him. She is supposed to go to visit her mom in a week and this is the same place the OM lives. I'm going to see if they plan to meet up and then drive out there and catch her red handed. The OM won't give me any information, he doesn't like me and is a low life. He has a girlfriend and 2 kids at home he is cheating on. I know where he lives, where he works and what bars he frequents, so I will be able to catch them when she goes out there. I will keep you all posted on how it turns out.
Chi townD Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Okay, a little confused. You are leaving her, but you're still gonna look into her? Or, she is under the assumption that you two are still together when she leaves, then you're going to pull the plug on the relationship when you catch them together. Is this the case? Personally, if you're going out there and catch them face to face, I would just snap some pictures, keep your distance. Or, if you have a friend out there, see if he/she can follow her. Do not approach them. You think you're in control, but when you're actually face to face with the situation, you don't want to end up going to jail. Because, they're not worth it. Keep us posted! 1
BetrayedH Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Get your proof of her plans if you need it. But then ask her to leave, refuse to engage in a useless conversation about it, and then move on. Don't up the ante on the crazy. Your healing is going to come from within, not from upping the drama with the two of them. This is coming from a guy that was a lifetime pacifist but went to jail for literally throwing his wife out the front door. Regardless of what she did, my wife instantly and legally became the victim. Keep your integrity, my friend. She's taken enough away from you already. Make your decisions with your head, not your emotions. And don't overestimate how much you can control your emotions.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Okay, a little confused. You are leaving her, but you're still gonna look into her? Or, she is under the assumption that you two are still together when she leaves, then you're going to pull the plug on the relationship when you catch them together. Is this the case? Personally, if you're going out there and catch them face to face, I would just snap some pictures, keep your distance. Or, if you have a friend out there, see if he/she can follow her. Do not approach them. You think you're in control, but when you're actually face to face with the situation, you don't want to end up going to jail. Because, they're not worth it. Keep us posted! I agree, get proof, keep it to yourself and then when she's back, tell her to pack her stuff and find somewhere else to go..back to her ex. I'm glad to hear that you are ending it. She is not wife material, she has no idea how to be in a loving and committed relationship, her past and recent actions have shown you this. I do think people deserve second chances if warranted, but it seems she used up that chance a long time ago and has slipped back into old and familiar behaviour - Cheating.
No Limit Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You've wasted almost 5 years of your time with this cheating chick. And that even though you could have saved probably almost 3 of them for a person who's ready to be in a relationship, not this kid. If you don't dump her, at least don't complain about the cheating. While it won't be adressed during your wedding you'll consciously know that by giving her the ring you're also going to give in to her screwing another guy. Don't be a doormat. You don't need to, or do you want to become one of those bitter heart-broken guys who hate women with a passion? Cause you're moving down the same way as them right now.
Fluttershy Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I agree, get proof, keep it to yourself and then when she's back, tell her to pack her stuff and find somewhere else to go..back to her ex. I'm glad to hear that you are ending it. She is not wife material, she has no idea how to be in a loving and committed relationship, her past and recent actions have shown you this. I do think people deserve second chances if warranted, but it seems she used up that chance a long time ago and has slipped back into old and familiar behaviour - Cheating. As I know we all love clichés... Fool me once... Shame on you... Fool me twice... Three times... 1
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