Breaking up: should I talk to her about what concerned me?

[Babolat]

I have a home, a nice yard, a patio; I'd much rather have people over. I can remember only one time in my life getting a call and heading out the door late, like 10:30 or midnight.

 

She does not. She has a very small apartment. It's an old big house that was converted into apartments.

 

When I mentioned the inviting folks over, versus going to a bar, that was her reply, she would, if she had the space, and, in years past, she did. Odd answer as she has told me before her gfs have come over to her current apartment, they drank/socialized/watched movies, etc, even spent the night on the couch.

[Babolat]

No contact since our phone call Monday night.

 

She texted me at 9:45PM last night asking if I was up, and could we talk. She was in the area for an awards banquet, where she won a bunch of awards in her industry. I texted back "Yup". She later texted back stating she would not be able to make it over, but wanted to talk.

 

I got another text this morning asking if we could talk after work today at 5PM. I can't as I am actually going to a "How to meet safe people" workship at 6. This should be interesting "Deals with the problem of character discernment, or evaluating who is good for us and who isn't".

 

I proposed tomorrow. Her next text was a photo of her holding her awards from last night. She was glammed up, looked great as always. I did not respond; I usually do with something like "I am proud of you". Seeing how glammed up she was I am actually glad she did not come over, as I am sure it would have led to lots of sex.

 

So, she wants to talk, about something. I don't know what, other than the daughter thing and her going out last Saturday night.

 

I don't see how another talk is going to change anything, but, now I am wondering if I should just sit there and listen, than say we are done, or share some of my concerns with her, again, and see what she has to say. I like the words some of you have used in this post to describe my concerns: she is impulsive, weak boundaries, poor control, etc. I was thinking about using some of those phrases should I chose to say anything. MidwestUSA, your comments about a level of committment with me this summer, and sleeping with her ex at the same time, were spot on, and hit me pretty hard. It's how I have been feeling; I just did not know how to put it into words.

 

Ruby, you know my history, we have PMed, and your comments here helped, as always. I just don't know what else I can say to her. The last time we talked about Morals she actually agreed that our morals are different.

 

There is a part of me that wants to tell her we don't need to talk; that feels a bit selfish though as she has asked me to talk.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Babolat

[spiderowl]

It could be that she is going to say it isn't working, who knows? She wants to talk about something. If you are going to finish it though, then wouldn't it be wise to let her know that the relationship is over, otherwise she's going to wonder what's going on. You don't have to make a big thing of it or tell her all her faults (by the way, that would be a bit harsh given that she's not going to get a second chance).

 

It sounds like a very confusing place to be, to be drawn to someone and yet to feel uncomfortable at the same time. If in doubt, just go to how you are feeling inside, deep down, see what your instinct is telling you.

[Babolat]

We met, talked for about 3 hours. Worked through some recent miscommunications, so that was good.

 

What I'm realizing is I have triggers, flashbacks if you will, not sure what to call them, where I see somthing, hear something, that reminds me of something when we dated, where that "something" I had issues/concerns/anxiety with. Friday night she said "but it's not there, I am not doing that, how will you know if you don't give me a chance to show you?". And, she's right.

 

An example, we went out for dinner with my friends a few weeks ago. Dinner was done around 10PM, they said "We're tired, we are going home". I felt the same. Her and I got out to the sidewalk and she said she wanted to go walking, hit a bar or two. I did not, I was ready to go home. I did not say No though. We went to one bar, had one drink, then went home around 11:30. I did have flashbacks of when we dated before, where this would turn into drinking until the bars shut down, she would get tipsy/drunk, and I would get upset.

 

When I brought this up as an example on Friday night, she said she knew I did not want to stay out late, she did, she saw it as a compromise. I told her "but you want to stay out late, it's who you are". She agreed and said "But we can compromise, but there will be those times where I want to stay out later, not all the time now though".

 

Another example, she left my house around 10PM Friday. I asked her to text me when she got home, she did, around 11, something like "Home safe". Around 11:30 I texted her to say thanks for talking, good night and maybe we could do something outdoors the next day if she was free (actually the same plans we had last Saturday but she had to cancel because of her sick daughter). No reply. At 8AM I sent her another text, as, she says on the weekends, when not sleeping with me, she is up at 7AM. No reply. I sent her a "Hello?" text at 11:30AM, she then replied.

 

I was worried and concerned, thinking maybe something had happened to her. I had flashbacks from when she would disappear when we were dating, out drinking with her friends and I would not hear from her for a while. She told me when she got home, her and her daughter went over to a good friends house, she stayed there until 2AM, got home, could not fall asleep until 3AM, and slept until 11:15AM. All I could think to myself is this is a woman who lives with her phone, checks it every second, why did she not take the time to send a simple reply so I knew she was OK. She said she did not check her phone after she got home and n3ever saw my texts until 11:30. She told me she told me she was going to do that, before she left my house at 10. No, all she told me is she could not get a sleepover worked out for her daughter (she was texting with her daughter and the other girls mother while we talked Friday night) so she had to go home to her. I assumed she was at home, and, when no contact, got worried.

 

This blew up Saturday, her telling me I overreacted, me trying to remind her how her "disappearing" affected me when we dated.

 

This is the kind of stuff I am trying to work thru. Flashbacks, triggers, reminders. She is upset because she feels she has made real change and I am not giving her a chance to show me.

 

I did ask her why she cut back on drinking Friday night. She said she found herself slurring, and that bothered her. She said she use to be able to drink like she was last year, when she was younger, and she finally realized she cannot anymore. Plus, she is getting more and more into health (personally and professionally), and heavy drinking is not something that aligns with her life health goals.

 

I asked her again why she slept with her ex this Spring/Summer while hanging out and sleeping with me at the same time. I reminded her she told me she only sleeps with a man once they are exclusive/comitted. I asked her who she was comiited to this Spring/Summer, me or him. She said neither, she was very confused. I reminded her she was the one coming to me last Spring/Summer, giving me updates, telling me she needed more time to work on herself, telling me she knew she may lose me while she took time to work on herself. I told her, to me, that was an emotional comittment, and, she strangely agreed, and again said she was confused. When I told her I could never do this with an ex, she said what if my ex and I started spening time together, talking, figured out what really happened in the relationship, felt closer to her and understood them better. I told her 1) I would never spend time with my ex-wife talking about what was and 2) I would not sleep with my ex, period, especially while I was sleeping with her at the same time.

 

She challenged me and said I do not know what I would do if I saw her and we ended up talking. I said no, I have my morals, and I know m y boundaries, so I know exactly what I would do. She disagreed again, stating I don't know what I would do, there's now way I could know.

 

I understand her point, but i still question her poor choice

 

We are taking a break right now, to calm down, collect our thoughts, and maybe talk in the future. At this point, I feel done, especially emotionally. Yet, I also know there is a lot of emotional stuff going on, and if that could be peeled away/resolved, there could be something very special under it all. The emotional stuff is causing me to look at this differently than I would, if it were not there. I am hurt, mad, angry, frustrated etc. I just wonder, if that was not there, if I could trust her and let her show me, is there an amzaing relationshp there?

Edited January 27, 2014 by Babolat

[Haydn]

I have read this whole thread a few times now just to really understand. You are really flogging a dead horse here. Its very messed up and it seems all too much. Cut your losses? Not sure.

[jphcbpa]

have you been to alanon?

[Babolat]

I have read this whole thread a few times now just to really understand. You are really flogging a dead horse here. Its very messed up and it seems all too much. Cut your losses? Not sure.

 

I don't disagree. It's one of those cases where I feel like there is something amazing there, when, all the emotional/psychological/historical garbage is out of the way, so I wonder, I guess.

[Haydn]

Its a tricky one i grant you. Not sure what the best thing to do is? Not helpful i know but not saying all is lost.

 

 

 

I don't disagree. It's one of those cases where I feel like there is something amazing there, when, all the emotional/psychological/historical garbage is out of the way, so I wonder, I guess.

[Babolat]

have you been to alanon?

 

I went to one alanon meeting when we dated before. I enjoyed it. Though, it helped me realize the drinking was her issue, not mine. I researched the heck out of addictions/alcoholism when we dated before, and, all things pointed to her not being an alcoholic; rather one who abuses alcohol, binges. She even recently took an alcoholism test, and it suggested she was not.

 

And yes, I do think I am Codependent, especially in our relationship. I have read a few good books on the subject. Her and I have discussed this.

 

The easiset thing feels like walking away, just let it go, move on, and I did that back in March 2013. I have never in my life, in any relationship, hung on like this with anyone. I am not sure why I do with her. She "gets me" like no other woman I have ever met. She reads me well, talks to me, helps me, and honestly tries to make me a better person with her feedback. I watch her interact with her friends, her family, her colleagues, strangers, etc. She is an amazing woman, absolutely amazing.

 

She believes I give all the negative a lot of energy, thought, time if you wiill. And, by doing so I create a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts in my head. That I over react and assume when I think I see something. She is upset that I am not trusting her, giving her the opportunity to show me who she is now, and how she has made change.

[Babolat]

It sounds like a very confusing place to be, to be drawn to someone and yet to feel uncomfortable at the same time. If in doubt, just go to how you are feeling inside, deep down, see what your instinct is telling you.

 

One day it tells me she is amazing, one day it tells me there are too many issues/differences. When she is in front of me, and we talk, I feel good. When we are apart my mind goes into over drive!

 

It's been 3 years since my marriage ended, and in that time I have not met one woman I think I could settle down with, live with, marry, except maybe her. So, I know I have some issues outside of her, probably related to my divorce, just not sure what they are and if they are playing into this.

[sidney2718]

One day it tells me she is amazing, one day it tells me there are too many issues/differences. When she is in front of me, and we talk, I feel good. When we are apart my mind goes into over drive!

 

When you are with her, you are in a proximity induced haze.

 

It's been 3 years since my marriage ended, and in that time I have not met one woman I think I could settle down with, live with, marry, except maybe her. So, I know I have some issues outside of her, probably related to my divorce, just not sure what they are and if they are playing into this.

 

Of course you have met no women you could settle down with. You are totally attached to the woman you've got.

 

Meanwhile the two of you are going nowhere. Nothing gets really better, nothing gets really worse. She's probably as upset as you are.

 

There is only one way to settle this: you have to make a decision. If you decide to break off all contact and let her go, you will heal and find joy in life again. If you decide to get together with her again, start begging and good luck with that.

 

I'm sorry to be so rough. But you need to gather what wits you have left and deal with this before you turn 80.

[Babolat]

Of course you have met no women you could settle down with. You are totally attached to the woman you've got..

I understand your message, though this was even before I met her.

 

Meanwhile the two of you are going nowhere. Nothing gets really better, nothing gets really worse. She's probably as upset as you are...

Agreed, and she shares this with me.

 

There is only one way to settle this: you have to make a decision. If you decide to break off all contact and let her go, you will heal and find joy in life again. If you decide to get together with her again, start begging and good luck with that.

I understand your message: I am not going to beg. She came back to me; I was moving on emotionally and was even dating again after 60+ days of no contact. She texted me last night inviting me to dinner to talk. I replied reminding her she asked for time to think. She replied, agreed, said she was doing it just to please me and to not hurt my feelings. I told her take all the time she needs, as, really, I don't know what I want and it's not fair to continue seeing her when I feel that way.

 

I'm sorry to be so rough. But you need to gather what wits you have left and deal with this before you turn 80.

No need to apologize, your message and feedback is appreciated.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Babolat

[Omei]

I think if you left her, you should just leave her be no need to dump all the reasons upon her they dont matter now, all you would do by still talking to her is give her the impression that if she now fixes what you have to say you'll come back, don't waste her time you left now let her heal without you present.

 

Ps I was 13 when my parents left me home alone, children baby sit for cash at that age for other parents she doesn't have a baby on her hands but a teen.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Omei

[Babolat]

Ps I was 13 when my parents left me home alone, children baby sit for cash at that age for other parents she doesn't have a baby on her hands but a teen.

Thank you for the feedback. I have no issues with her leaving her 14 year old daughter home alone, she does often as she is a single mom.

 

It's leaving a sick 14 year old daughter home, alone that bugs me. And, leaving their home at 10PM to go meet friends, at a bar, returning home 1 or 2 in the morning. That is an issue for me. She dees her mom getting ready, prettying herself up, to go out, to meet friends, and not stay home to care for her. I guess that just bugs me. And then there are photos her friends posted on FB, and tagged her, from that night, everybody hugging and having a great time, all kinds of comments. Her daughter sees that, and thinks what?

 

Her and I talked about this on Friday, we simply disagree. And I did ask her then what she expects out of me related to her daughter, should we have a LTR. She said a role model.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Update for those who follow

 

We have had no contact since a text she sent me the day after we ended "the 2nd time" 2 Friday ago; I did not reply. I mailed all of her stuff back to her this week (just a robe and some socks really).

 

I did decide to unfriend my ex gf on Facebook. I looked at her page Sunday morning, and there were photos/pics of her at bars with male/female friends, and even a post about getting hit on/picked up by a 24 year old and how flattered she was, at 44 (it was her birthday so I kind of get the post, but really, telling the world this?).

 

That was enough for me to realize I have no desire to even be friends with her; more of the same. When we are not together she is back at the bars; back at posting pics of herself with friends at bars. She even posted a pic of flowers one of her male friends sent her for her birthday and said "best flowers ever". This is the same male friend she told me is no longer her friend as he was talking sexaully about her behind her back a few months ago. It's the same male friend she would stay in hotels with when we were dating last year, when he came into town to party for the weekend. Some things, don't change. It's the same male friend who flew her to Chicago 3 times while we dated last year, paid for all of her expenses.

 

She has many redeeming qualites, I am thankful to have met her, learned from her, grown as a man/person. I can't "handle" her and I am sure there is a man out there, who can. I need and deserve more.

 

I had a lunch date on Sunday that went very well. I'm in no rush to date someone seriously. It was nice to get back out there though. Emotionally I feel pretty much healed already after "round 2" with the ex as I was never fully comitted to her and knew it was not going to work.

 

Thanks to those who gave me a lot of support and feedback!

Edited March 24, 2014 by Babolat