Like Sands Through the Hourglass...

[TheBlingRing14]

I have a pretty long, drawn out, soapy situation that I would love to share. Honestly, I am just looking for perspective. A second set of eyes never hurts. Perspective on what I should be feeling, what I should be doing, what might be going on in HIS head, and so on and so forth.

 

It's so hard, because "just friends" is difficult to nail down. Some "just friends" are entirely just friends and that's all they will ever be. Some people are "just friends" as they are friends getting to know each other, on a path to maybe more. My sister for example was "just friends" with her now husband until...one day, they weren't.

 

For the purpose of this situation, we will call this guy Craig.

 

I "met" Craig a little over 6 months ago on a faith-based dating site. We didn't meet through the search/match feature...I doubt we ever would have due to the long distance...but this particular site is more like a singles community than a dating website. Many people are on there for the site's chat rooms and forums. Like I said, more of a community to talk to other like-minded people, and less a meat market dating site.

 

The chat room itself had about 20 or so "regulars" including myself, and maybe another 20-30 people who joined periodically. So, we were all friends/acquaintances, as much as you can be via the internet. Some people within the chat/threads had met each other at local meets. Some were friendly to the extent of chatting on the phone.

 

Anyway, one day Craig popped into the chat. I greeted him in kind of a funny way, and we just kind of clicked. We got along great, talked a lot, had a ton of the same interests, so that made it easy. Anyway, he was a regular from then on. There was always fun banter between us, light teasing, and sometimes flirtation.

 

Well, some of my friends in the chat picked up on it and started to encourage me. I am very conservative, and having gotten my hopes up and been burned in the past, like to be very sure. So, I rebuffed their suggestions, said "No, no, no...he's just nice." And they would go on and on about "He's definitely into you." What put it over the top, is we had this "Morning Crew" of chatters, usually about 4-6 of us. Him and I were a part of it, as well as my closest female confidante. One day she just came out and told me, "He comes here every single day, and he sure isn't coming for me." So, at that point, I started to open myself up to the possibility of maybe it was going somewhere.

 

So, we spent a couple of months getting to know each other, pretty innocently. We occasionally private chatted, but most of it was kept in the room. My female confidante, Angela, was actually his confidante as well, sort of an older sister, and I found out through her that while he is very outspoken and brash, he is also actually very shy and afraid to be hurt.

 

In September, I was going on vacation, and one of the last days before I left, he and I were talking privately. We talked about how we felt about each other, and both agreed that once I got back, we would have a talk about where things are, and where things are going.

 

Anyway, I had a great vacation. I had one free day, and I popped online just to check things out. He wasn't on, but Angela was. She PMed me immediately, squealing with delight. She said I had been "very much missed" winky face, and that Craig had talked to her about how he was "very interested" in me and how I was the sweetest girl he knew. This just made my day! She also said this other girl Rory, had been trying to get her claws in him all week. We laughed it off, and I got offline and went on with my day.

 

Now Rory is young, and is your classic trouble-maker. She always has some drama going on, has supposedly been engaged several times, but never made it down the aisle and so on and so forth. She had NEVER shown any interest in Craig before. Never. In fact, she jokingly called him my boyfriend when he wasn't around. They rarely talked. However, the day before I left for my trip, she had exploded at me, yelling at me because everyone liked me better than her. (This was probably true, but how is that my fault?) I found it very suspect that before I left, she was angry with me, and then all of the sudden, when I'm gone, she has this new-found interest in Craig.

 

Well, I get back from my trip, message Craig gleefully, and I receive a very tepid response. Very tepid. Less than tepid. I joked with him that I heard about Rory, expecting him to joke back. He didn't bite. Ultimately, it escalated to a "You're not actually thinking of starting something with her, right?" and "Why not? Why shouldn't I?" and then, "Well, I have these feelings for you. And you do too, don't you?" followed by no response. Silence. Crickets. Which I guess was my answer. I was crushed....beyond crushed.

 

Well, I later find out that 1) Rory had been stirring the pot and spouting some falsehoods about me. 2) Some other guy was telling Craig that he is a young buck and should be out dating lots of women, not just tied down to one lady. Eventually, Craig DID find out that Rory had lied about me, but by then, the damage had been done. I was very hurt that he would even believe any garbage that came out of her mouth.

 

That very weekend, he had a conference out of town. This will come up later.

 

Throughout the month of October, things were about half-way back to normal. But, things were definitely chillier between us. We never quite got back to the super close friendship from before. During that time, we had a couple of private conversations. During one of which, I asked him...what happened. He told me that he felt like I put up walls. That I had a "guy bashing" attitude, but that he knew it was because I am scared to open myself up and get hurt. He also said, he had a really bad experience before with someone that had walls up. He said he still wanted to get to know me, that he didn't want to lead me on, but he isn't ruling anything out. I told him I'd work on it. This was all he said, and he didn't mention anything else. Again, this will come up later.

 

Both our memberships were up in November, about 2 weeks apart, and neither of us were renewing. We did exchange FB info. However, within the last couple of weeks, I got a PM from a girl named Tara. She was a semi-regular, came in maybe once every two weeks. I very rarely saw she and Craig interact, and when they did, I never noticed any spark. She was 8 years younger than us (Craig and I are the same age) so I didn't think much of it. Anyway, Tara PMed me, and asked me what my relationship was with Craig and if she was stepping on any toes by pursuing him. She was actually asking for my permission to pursue him. She then told me that they had spent the entire weekend texting, and she really liked him. Now, SHE had asked HIM for his number, but still, I was hurt, because he was texting this girl he barely spoke to all the time, and I still didn't have his number?

 

The next day when I talked to him, I told him what happened, that I was asked permission to date him, and how awkward that was. Then, I told him what Tara had said. He laughed it off, saying nothing was going on with them at all, and that the reason I didn't have his number yet was he wanted to take things slow with me. He didn't mention anything else. This, too, will come up later.

 

This whole time, I knew that while we weren't there yet, we were really working towards getting back to where we once were. I had no indication this was not the case.

 

Then, Angela told me that when he went on his conference, the one I told you about several paragraphs ago, he met someone. A real-life someone. And, they were getting serious. And not only that, but she had flown to his city to meet up with him. And, he really liked her.

 

Once again, I was crushed. And a part of me just didn't understand why he never mentioned it to me. But, I decided to move on with my life, as I'd be leaving the site soon.

 

After we both left the site, we would occasionally message on FB, but not very much. It was usually me making the contact. Well, one day, we got to chatting, and he seemed....interested again. I thought that well, maybe things didn't work out with him and the lady. That very weekend, she posted a picture of them together when she went and visited. (I don't FB Stalk, but she tagged him, which is how the pic showed up on my newsfeed) At this point, he still has never mentioned the girl to me. So...I started to distance myself again, not wanting to be hurt, obviously.

 

So, fast forward a few weeks to just before Christmas. Out of nowhere, he messages me. HE messages ME, which is a little unusual. But, like I said, it was kind of from out of nowhere. We have a little chat. No big deal. Then, the next morning, he messages me again, and we chat all day. The next day, I message him, then him me...and it is to the point, where we are talking pretty much every day again. Not just short messages, but full conversations every day. It feels different, and like I said, the suddenness of it, has me confused.

 

So, I pluck up the courage and ask him for his number. I text him, so he will have my number too. We texted a little bit. Then, I woke up to a Merry Christmas, Melissa text on Christmas and a Happy New Year, Melissa text on January 1st. I didn't think too much of them, other than nice gestures. But, it did make me feel good that he was at least thinking of me in some capacity to send those messages. But, then I thought back to Tara and how they texted, and I try to think nothing of it.

 

Now it is to the point that if we aren't on FB chat, we are texting and vice versa. I start some of the conversations, but a large majority of them ARE started by him. The FB chats are almost always started by him. Which is new. I try not to get my hopes up. He still hasn't spoken to me about his lady friend. So, I don't know if they are still together or apart or what. There haven't been any more pictures or posts, unless they are hidden. I just cannot imagine they are still together. I'm not sure when he would have the time to stay in touch with her. He usually gives me a recap of his day or tells me his upcoming things. He never says, "Oh I need to call Tina" or "I'll need a half hour for a personal phone call" or anything like that. But like I said, he never mentioned anything about her before, so for all I know, they are still together, and he just doesn't tell me about her.

 

He doesn't call though. A couple weeks ago, I did tell him that he could call me if he wants, he said it would be great, and I asked when we could set up a time. This is where we part ways. He is very much the camp of "go with the flow, just call whenever." I am the type of person that plans. I prefer to set a date and time, so that we know we aren't busy and I'm not interrupting him at an important time. This bugs him about me. Anyway, we decided he would call on a Monday.

 

Then, that Monday rolled around, and he said he didn't think he'd be able to call, he was going to be over at his brother's, visiting with family. I understood, no big deal. Well, then, about 11:30 that evening, a message from him pops up on FB. He said he had a proposal for me, that maybe we could Skype instead. Well 1) I was on an iPad, and I really didn't know how that worked. 2) It was 11:30, and I looked like crap. So, I told him no, maybe another time. We talked on FB for a bit, and then said, "I'm still up for a phone call if you are." This was around 12:30, which I assumed would be too late for him, but I agreed.

 

We only talked for about a half hour. But, it was nice. Not too much...just idle chit chat. But, he made fun of my accent, which I maintain I don't have. I made fun of his, which he definitely does have. And, he DID say, "It's nice to talk to you on the phone. You are different on the phone than the computer, in a very good way." I guess he could get my tone and sense of humor a little better this way. We hung up and went on our merry little way, then 10 minute later my phone buzzed with a text thanking me for the talk.

 

It seems like every day is a new something, whether good, bad, or weird. There is always something coming up, that seems to turn things on it's head. Just when I feel I have things figured out, something happens that completely changes it.

 

Just last week, I mentioned to him that he could call me sometime if he wanted, (HINT HINT). He didn't really say much, other than okay. I told him to let me know his schedule and I'll let him know mine and we'd come up with a good time. Well, as I mentioned before, this kind of annoyed him. He wanted to why I can't just let it go and let it be whenever. He then said brb, but well, he never came back. I went to sleep pretty grumpy and very annoyed with him. Well, the next morning, I woke up, to a text message asking "Are you there?" on my phone sent one minute after the "brb" I'm guessing he was planning to call me right then and wanted to make sure I had my phone. So, then all that annoyance just sort of melted away

 

We are both crazy about sports. We talk about them a lot. We talk about lots of other things too, but sports are a big part of both of our lives. Well, last weekend, we were texting during the football weekend, and I was joking that if he didn't like one particular player that I like, we couldn't be friends. Well, we went back and forth pretty passionately. I was just teasing him of course, but continued on the ruse. Well, he just gave up and called me. I was thrilled to get a phone call, even if it was just to make sure I was okay. We talked for 45 minutes or so, and the next day, when he FB messaged me in the morning, per usual, he said, "That was a great conversation yesterday, I really enjoyed myself." I honestly don't know what to make of that lol. Who compliments someone on a conversation? It just seems odd to me.

 

This past Sunday, I texted him a picture of my nails which I had painted orange, with Go Broncos as the text. I wasn't fishing for a compliment at all. I just wanted to show how I was getting in the football spirit. I expected a "cool" or "nice" or "solid choice." Instead, what I got was. "Your nails look pretty! I won't say anything about the Broncos" then an additional text, "But, your nails are very pretty" I know it's not much, and kind of silly to focus on, but it did make me feel very happy.

 

During our chats, when we get deep, we are kind of always teetering on that line between talking in general and then talking about ourselves without coming out and saying it. For example, yesterday, we were talking about the difference between being playful and flirting, I told him, it was hard for me to make the distinction, I've never been good at it. His next statement was, "Well, I expect that my wife will trust me that I won't be flirting with anyone but her." Just an odd segue.

 

I still don't know what is going on with him and his whatever she is. To this day, he's never said that first word to me about her. I really don't believe they could still be together. I even made a comment to the effect of..."If you were in a relationship, would you xyz?" and he never corrected me and said, "Well I AM in a relationship and..." or "Actually, I have been seeing someone pretty seriously and with her, I think I would do this..."

 

I don't want to get my hopes up and be hurt again. But, a part of me wonders if maybe God wanted to show us how to be friends first before things escalated.

 

Phew.

 

Questions? Anything you need clarified? I am sure this will be an ongoing saga, as like I said...things seem to happen by the day one way or the other.

 

Like I said, I'd love some feedback on where to go from here.

[Zelias]

OK Melissa, here is what you are going to do, should you choose to accept this.

 

First and foremost, this guy is keeping you around for backup. You were stringed along. He had other girls at his fingers. He played games with you and you followed. For that, you were a fool to do this (No offense).

 

Here is where you should of ended it,

 

"Well, I get back from my trip, message Craig gleefully, and I receive a very tepid response. Very tepid. Less than tepid. I joked with him that I heard about Rory, expecting him to joke back. He didn't bite. Ultimately, it escalated to a "You're not actually thinking of starting something with her, right?" and "Why not? Why shouldn't I?" and then, "Well, I have these feelings for you. And you do too, don't you?" followed by no response. Silence. Crickets. Which I guess was my answer. I was crushed....beyond crushed.

 

You were crushed after this and you knew it. At this point, you should of dumped his A$$ and moved on, but you didn't, you still thought he might give to you and fall for you.

 

Listen to me, get rid of his number, get rid of him on facebook and never contact him again. DO NOT ANSWER ANYTHING AT ALL FROM HIM. AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS, MOVE ON.

 

Your last sentence,

 

I don't want to get my hopes up and be hurt again. But, a part of me wonders if maybe God wanted to show us how to be friends first before things escalated.

 

If he wanted to be your friend, he would of told you. You were a puppet to him. He could easily get to you whenever he wanted. He flirted with other girls without considering how you were feeling and he just didn't care.

 

Listen to me Melissa, you seem like a good person. You deserve so much better than this guy, and I know you can do better. If you go back, you are a sucker for it. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND FIND SOME OTHER GUY THAT WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A WOMAN, BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY IS PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU, TWISTING YOUR EMOTIONS AND YOU'RE JUST TAKING IT.

 

I hope you do the right thing Melissa, otherwise you are worth not helping at all if you keep chatting with him, I wish you the best and take care of yourself.

[FitChick]

Give us the TV Guide version.

[Janesays]

I read the whole thing and I don't really think this guy is seriously interested in you at all. I think he just likes the ego boost of talking to and flirting with a woman who obviously has a crush on him.

 

My advice? Muster up what dignity you have left and walk away. You are being played like a fiddle.

[Grumpybutfun]

I always wonder how people are so naive to be catfished and then I read sad little posts like this one. OP, you need to stop getting emotionally attached to people on the internet. Craig could be a married man with ten kids and four gfs IRL and ten on Skype/chat rooms. He could be psychotic or a serial killer or have a thing for bondage...you just don't know by the words someone writes on the internet. Meet people in real life and reach out to friends and family to set you up with people they know and can vouch for. What you doing is not only a waste of time, but it is dangerous. This isn't a soap opera or a fairy tale but a horror movie or psychological thriller waiting to happen.

SMH,

Grumps

[ChessPieceFace]

OP, I think you should put dating on hold while you pursue a career writing novels.

[Guitarisgood]

Did not read your post. That is because if it becomes so complicated that it requires such a long post, you are better off moving on my friend. Dating and relationships as cliche as it sounds, should not be hard when two people like each other.

[TheBlingRing14]

Well, gosh, it's hard to argue when everyone agrees on the same thing, huh?

 

Thanks for your time!

[winny]

I really read the whole thing and so I have to write what I feel....

 

THIS GUY IS NO GOOD.

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND... NOTHING.

HE IS NEVER GONNA LOVE YOU OR MARRY YOU!!

 

The sooner you accept this the better.

 

You are holding on to something that happened over the internet!

 

WAKE UP!

 

You can most certainly do better.

Why don't you date someone in real??? Maybe when something real will break this stupid illusion you are living in right now.

 

Delete his number and block him. Delete him from FB and block him there too.

After that you are free from this useless mess!

You are free to meet real people...

[winny]

Also, I think you need to work on your confidence and self worth issues.

You need to realize what you are actually worthy of and deserve...

 

You deserve much much much more than a compliment on your nails!