StanMusial Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Oh man, nobody but me is responsible for my safety. If a boyfriend started trying to control what I did under the guise of 'protecting my safety' I would go nuts, my mental cognition is the same level as any guy I could date, I'm capable of weighing up the pros and cons and making an informed risk assessment before I do something like crash at my best friend's house. Do you have any idea how offensive the idea is of 'sometimes you have to protect them from harm by protecting them against themselves'? Do you see women as less intelligent than men or something? I'm glad you are able to completely protect yourself at all times against all harm. There's been many a time in my life when I wished I had that same ability. Now that I'm older and wiser I am more than happy to learn from others' mistakes rather than my own.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Oh you youngsters. I'm an old lady (38) so at my age, I absolutely wouldn't be having it. However, regardless of age, I don't think it sends a great message to a significant other when there's spending the nights goings ons. This obviously makes you uncomfortable, so speak up. That said, I think you have a bit more going on in the department of trust that you need to deal with. THIS OP. Grown adults do not spend time together at nite after a certain hour with out their being, at least, sexual tension. Healthy adults less than 40 probably at least think about sex at that hour. We have needs. We sometimes self satisfy. If a good long time friend is there, and already ready to go... why not? Hell IMHO I often wonder why people don't choose their steady opposite best friend as a lover. Unless that person is utterly repulsive or something.... TL;DR On some level either she wants to do him or he wants to do her, odds are they want to do each other. I would just get out of the way and let them. OP. When a woman really wants you nothing and no one will stop her from walking to you of her own accord.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I'm glad you are able to completely protect yourself at all times against all harm. There's been many a time in my life when I wished I had that same ability. Now that I'm older and wiser I am more than happy to learn from others' mistakes rather than my own. I'm not, nobody is and you know that. But I don't see how somebody else is magically going to be better at keeping me safe than I am. It's a rather paternalistic view.
soccerrprp Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Hey guys, Thanks for your feedback. I asked her if she would mind if I did stayed the night at a females friends house and she said she wouldn't mind if it was just a friend. I don't know all the details, but she said they were just hanging out and she stayed the night. She doesn't drive and the weather was cold but not frigid enough to keep her for going home. No, she has not betrayed me in the past. But she is quite experienced sexually, compared to me, and since she said she used to have FWB, I wanted to check her phone. I guess it was a bit of paranoia but I wanted to verify her honesty. Did I miss something? Others are talking about being drunk. Was she drunk? If she doesn't drive, how was she to get home? She's okay with you staying with another girl's place? How confident and secure of her. My gf who not go for that.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I'm not, nobody is and you know that. But I don't see how somebody else is magically going to be better at keeping me safe than I am. It's a rather paternalistic view. It may be paternalistic but... If a 5'10" - 6'2" 175 - 275 lb 10-20 % body fat man decides he's going to do something to a average 5'4"- 5'7" 135-165 lbs 30% body fat woman...he can do it. Yes there are very fit women and very weak men. IRL real talk most women can't defend themselves from most men. If that bigger heavier man is able to move his body that weighs 70-100 lbs more than the woman's he's already that much stronger than her. That aside.. If I was the OP id' be more worried about her being with that man and drunk. Alcohol, plus late night, plus a good friend, equals having sex.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Alcohol, plus late night, plus a good friend, equals having sex. I agree about the physical defense but that isn't the point is it? If a woman decides that the chances are she isn't going to be assaulted and she wants to proceed, who is a guy to say 'actually, don't, because you might get assaulted'? By that logic you would never do anything where you were in any danger at all. I used to volunteer in a prison with sex offenders and rapists, and murderers. Would you have tried to tell me not to do it, not to help people, because of the increased risk of being assaulted while there? I deliver pizza, would you try tell me to drop that job because I'm at risk of being mugged? I can't live my life in fear once I've taken precautions (carrying a rape alarm, being alert etc.) Also I've had many late drunken nights with good male friends that have ended in... going to sleep separately, in different rooms, without so much as a hug. I feel sorry for people whose trust is so badly damaged that they don't trust their partner to control themselves if they happen to be intoxicated around somebody of the opposite sex at a certain time of day!
StanMusial Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 ..... I feel sorry for people whose trust is so badly damaged that they don't trust their partner to control themselves... I wasn't talking about her controlling herself.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I wasn't talking about her controlling herself. So you're talking about the potential for her to be raped? By a guy she knows and trusts well enough to spend the night around? Because if you're just talking about him coming onto her, she should have the self control to refuse, and leave the house. You should be able to trust your partner in a room full of naked men/women if it came to it (not that you would expect them to be in that scenario at all, but if they somehow magically were, they should have the self control to resist). If a boyfriend started making noises about my best male friend of years possibly raping me if I stayed over at his house I think I'd dump him on the spot for being crazy and paranoid.
Lost561 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Get rid of this girl. She tryed you. That's complete disrespect. She should be sleeping at your house not your friends. Use her for sex until you find a new girl. Start your new search now though.
halflight Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 If she was doing something wrong, she wouldn't have been honest about where she spent the night. She'd try to cover it up.
StanMusial Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I don't know the guy, never met him. I only met a few of her closer girlfriends, but only a few guy friends most of which were gay. When I asked her she told me they never did anything in the past though. Hey all, I've been together with my girlfriend for nearly a year and this is my first serious relationship. I did trust her but something happened recently that made me feel sickened. I texted her asking what she did last night... So you're talking about the potential for her to be raped? By a guy she knows and trusts well enough to spend the night around? Because if you're just talking about him coming onto her, she should have the self control to refuse, and leave the house. You should be able to trust your partner in a room full of naked men/women if it came to it (not that you would expect them to be in that scenario at all, but if they somehow magically were, they should have the self control to resist). If a boyfriend started making noises about my best male friend of years possibly raping me if I stayed over at his house I think I'd dump him on the spot for being crazy and paranoid. He's dated her for year and he doesn't know this guy from Adam. Maybe he's her "best male friend" in all of her 19 years, who knows? I am really curious though, have you ever said to a bf, "I'm going to stay overnight with my friend John, see you later"?
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 (edited) He's dated her for year and he doesn't know this guy from Adam. Maybe he's her "best male friend" in all of her 19 years, who knows? I am really curious though, have you ever said to a bf, "I'm going to stay overnight with my friend John, see you later"? Oh I know, I can see why the OP would be concerned. I would only feel comfortable doing that kind of thing with long established friends that my boyfriend either knew or was invited along to hang with. Yeah sure I have. 'Hey babe, I'm arranging a visit to *city* to see Tom as I haven't seen him for a few months and he's moving soon, do you fancy coming? Oh, you're working? No worries! Yeah we'll probably...' blah blah, plans etc. Not quite 'I'm doing this' and more of a 'I'm planning this, would you like to join me?' and if they can't, I'll still go. I'm always stoked to introduce new boyfriends to my closest friends whether male or female (I'd say I probably have a roughly equal mix). I did it during my last relationship. Boyfriend didn't bat an eyelid. Trusted me, knew Tom has been my best mate for over a decade and that's he family to me. I go hang at his parents' house with his mother occasionally even though he now lives hours and hours away (heck I even lived with them for a month in 2012 when I had nowhere else to go). I stayed in a separate room with my own bed and the night ended as it was expect to, with us going to our separate rooms and sleeping independently. We had had a few drinks as well and we still didn't ****. Shocking eh! I also stayed overnight at my other best mate's house because his wife was away on holiday with their son and as he's terminally ill he can't really be left alone overnight in case he has a fall. I stayed in his son's room in his bed, while my friend stayed in his bed downstairs (he has mobility issues with the stairs now). The wife knew, my boyfriend knew, no problems. Admittedly it hardly EVER happens because I much prefer to come home to my own bed wherever I go, but if it's a different city there's no way I'm paying for a hotel room just so that I don't sleep under the same roof as a friend who is male. Edited January 23, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse
Author yonex Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 If she was doing something wrong, she wouldn't have been honest about where she spent the night. She'd try to cover it up. Hey guys, thanks for the responses, they somehow slightly eased the sick feeling although I'm still not feeling great... Well see, thats where I'm kind of puzzled because I don't know of a time where she has lied, but she seems to be delaying meeting me until Friday because I think she know's I'm pretty upset. Hopefully when I talk to her we can get it straightened out, but it could end up worse and may have to break up with her. I also bought her a gift a few days ago before I knew about this incident, but I'm not sure if she deserves to get it...
bubbaganoosh Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 It may be paternalistic but... If a 5'10" - 6'2" 175 - 275 lb 10-20 % body fat man decides he's going to do something to a average 5'4"- 5'7" 135-165 lbs 30% body fat woman...he can do it. Yes there are very fit women and very weak men. IRL real talk most women can't defend themselves from most men. If that bigger heavier man is able to move his body that weighs 70-100 lbs more than the woman's he's already that much stronger than her. That aside.. If I was the OP id' be more worried about her being with that man and drunk. Alcohol, plus late night, plus a good friend, equals having sex. I know a woman whose 5'3" and 110 lbs and is a walking torture chamber. I think she's either a 3rd or 4th degree black belt in karate or kung fu but what ever it is and I would pitty any guy that would get out of line with her. She puts me in mind of that girl on NCIS who was hell on wheels.
FitChick Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I've stayed over at male friends' houses or apartments when I've been away on vacation. They always had a guest room. If I had had a boyfriend at the time, he would know I was staying there ahead of time and I'd have let the two speak on the phone by way of introduction. I would have to take it on a case by case basis as well as trust your partner. You can't control someone's every move. OP should ask to meet the friend and find out for himself by observing him alone and with his girlfriend. 1
Author yonex Posted January 25, 2014 Author Posted January 25, 2014 Ok- Update I had quite the lengthy chat with my girl and found out some fairly disturbing news. First the good news; the guy that she stayed over was a really good friend she new all her life, and they did sleep in different beds. I was fine with this. I then went to ask her if she stayed over at other guys houses without me knowing. I also asked her if some of those guys were past friends with benefits. She was very honest and told me that some of the guys were past friends with benefits but assured me most of them had girlfriends. She also told me she would drink sometimes and then crash at their houses. As soon as I heard this info she knew I was very concerned/sickened, as I was almost ready to just give her gift and leave, but she really didn't want me to leave so we continued to talk. I asked her to stop the overnights at past FWBs houses, or our relationship will end. She told me she would stop but I really don't know if I can trust her after knowing this information. So, is there anything in this relationship left to save, or are these red flags and I should tell her we should break up for good and possibly stay friends?
salparadise Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 So, is there anything in this relationship left to save, or are these red flags and I should tell her we should break up for good and possibly stay friends? This is a question you'll have to answer for yourself, although I'm sure the usual "dump her" dudes will be chiming in soon. Yea, it's a red flag of sorts but that only means pay attention, proceed with caution. If she has agreed to abide by what you consider appropriate boundaries then maybe things will be just fine. It sounds like there is honest communication when it occurs––but you all need to come to an understanding about omissions. I think you just need to weigh all the factors, including how the feelings and connection are developing.
veggirl Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 So how did you not know she has been doing this throughout your R? Does she lie and say she went home or just not tell you where she is going...? Or she tells where she is going (to her ex FWBs houses) but doesn't mention later that she spent the night? She's shady. I can't even FATHOM thinking it's okay to sleep over at an ex FWB house if I have a bf. LOL come ON this chick is so out of line.
FitChick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Now that there is a clear understanding, you have to decide based on her future behavior. You can't change the past. She seems to care what you think and is willing to please you. Time will tell.
soccerrprp Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Ok- Update I had quite the lengthy chat with my girl and found out some fairly disturbing news. First the good news; the guy that she stayed over was a really good friend she new all her life, and they did sleep in different beds. I was fine with this. I then went to ask her if she stayed over at other guys houses without me knowing. I also asked her if some of those guys were past friends with benefits. She was very honest and told me that some of the guys were past friends with benefits but assured me most of them had girlfriends. She also told me she would drink sometimes and then crash at their houses. As soon as I heard this info she knew I was very concerned/sickened, as I was almost ready to just give her gift and leave, but she really didn't want me to leave so we continued to talk. I asked her to stop the overnights at past FWBs houses, or our relationship will end. She told me she would stop but I really don't know if I can trust her after knowing this information. So, is there anything in this relationship left to save, or are these red flags and I should tell her we should break up for good and possibly stay friends? How old are you? She? Anyway.............UGH. She has no sense of boundaries or respect for your feelings. She says that MOST of her ex FWBs have gfs, so slept over with single, former FWBs. UGH. She was surprisingly honest about it all...very surprising. She is either doing pre-emptive damage control or very honest. I just can't believe that it didn't occur to her to call you if she couldn't drive herself, that she was drinking AND that she was sleeping over another guy's house/place? No way that makes sense. Why not ask you to pick her up? Do you really think she'll stop doing this? She came clean, yes, but she also made no attempt to let you know. She was hiding it. Another best indicator of ones future behavior is their past/present behavior. Don't forget that. After nearly a year dating, she's been sleeping over other guy's houses!!!! Not telling you. This would be the end of her for me. And why would you want to be friends with her if you break it off? That doesn't make sense either.
salparadise Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 She's shady. I can't even FATHOM thinking it's okay to sleep over at an ex FWB house if I have a bf. LOL come ON this chick is so out of line. That would be my reaction as well, but there is so much we don't know. The culture has erased some of the boundaries that us older folks take for granted. But yea, I'm not much interested in any woman who has a such a selection of former fwb's... much less one who's predisposed to calling them up for a place to crash when she's drunk. Or one who's predisposed to getting drunk for that matter. If a woman has to be told this is inappropriate... well, I wonder if she's that naive or if she's playing yonex for a schmuck? He has to figure this out.
Author yonex Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Your views seem valid, and I don't think we will continue our relationship. I'm 23 and she is 19. Mind you this was my first "real" girlfriend and she took my virginity as well, so its possible she thought I'd be immune to her dirty tricks. I don't know why I wanted to stay friends, I guess I'm still attached to her somewhat, but I hope that fades soon.
mortensorchid Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I think you have to ask yourself a few questions here ... 1) Do you trust your gf? But more importantly ... 2) Do you trust yourself? When I encounter others who are either serial cheaters or those who act very jealous and possessive of their SO, I see a few things that are prominent in them. The cheater will always be a cheater because they constantly screw things up for themselves, and the reason they serially cheat is because they don't feel that they deserve their SO or whoever else is there. Those who are jealous and possessive, be they men or women, are so because they are projecting their own tendencies of anger or violence upon others. A former bf of mine's now ex wife pulled that on him. According to another source of mine (a female friend), she said that he told her via email before an event that they were both going to be attending that if he saw her there he would not speak to her because his wife did not allow him to talk to other women. His now ex wife's one of three ex husbands (no you did not read that wrong) was abusive or cheated on her and she was jealous and possessive. I'd like to point out that the ex wife took him for a ride, has since divorced him, married husband #5, and has since divorced #5. If you trust your gf, tell her that you trust her and that it doesn't matter to you that she spent the night at this guy's house. If you don't, tell her you don't. Tell her to tell you what happened that night. Whatever you do, don't let this just slide. Get an answer and move on from it, whatever that may be.
Author yonex Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Bump After all this, do you think it could work out that we just stay friends, possibly FWB?, or is the situation too volatile and I should just break it off completely. I'm only asking because for some reason I still have feelings for her, although not as strong as before this incident. And I don't really have any female friends at the moment either.
MrMeh Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Bump After all this, do you think it could work out that we just stay friends, possibly FWB?, or is the situation too volatile and I should just break it off completely. I'm only asking because for some reason I still have feelings for her, although not as strong as before this incident. And I don't really have any female friends at the moment either. FWB with some noticeable emotional attachment is never a good idea.
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