oldshirt Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I overheard her skyping with her sister yesterday. She does seem very regretful about the whole thing. Her sister would say: "Don't - ever - do - that - **** - again, this guy loves you and he's family" to which she replied "I won't, trust you me. I learnt this time". "The single wild you must die, ok?" - "I know, I promise" Might not sound powerful to any of you, but she's closer with her sister than anyone on earth and they know all of each others secrets I know you think that is a good sign but it is a bad sign. It means her sister knows she is broken. Her sister knows she does dumb stuff.
oldshirt Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Honestly I think she's truly regretful but she has trouble setting boundaries and controlling her own behaviour. Alcoholics feel regret and remorse when they crash their cars and kill a whole family. Then they drown their sorrows and get in the car and kill again. Does the fact that they feel regret make you want to be on the road with them? 1
Steadfast Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Am I naive in wanting to forgive her at this point? There's nothing wrong with being naive. There's everything wrong with 'forgiving' someone who never asked to be forgiven. That isn't forgiveness, that's dismissal. Different things. That isn't being naive, that's being stupid. The idea that you would still entertain thoughts of marrying this girl is beyond my grasp. Drinking poison or playing on the freeway would give the same result cheaper and quicker. Otherwise, run and don't look back.
oldshirt Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 We live 20 hrs apart (two flights) but I like the country and will probably travel there every year like I have been the last 2 years. I have many friends there. Why are you settling for someone that lives on a different part of the planet? Why do you think you are unable to get a girl where you are living your everyday life? You are settling because you believe this is your one and only chance at love. You must change your way of thinking.
Littleshark Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I don't believe she will stop cheating on u. If she did love u, the strong feeling of love would have stopped her to have sex with other guys. I can't believe she even said JUST BURY THE PAST AND TRY TO MOVE ON. Let me ask u how to move on? Move on with having been cheated by ur fiancée? Do u think u can forget that? Trust me, u deserve a good girl but not her.
No Limit Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 I overheard her skyping with her sister yesterday. She does seem very regretful about the whole thing. Her sister would say: "Don't - ever - do - that - **** - again, this guy loves you and he's family" to which she replied "I won't, trust you me. I learnt this time". "The single wild you must die, ok?" - "I know, I promise" Might not sound powerful to any of you, but she's closer with her sister than anyone on earth and they know all of each others secrets. That's no proof. Just words. And no matter how much she might care for her sister, that doesn't change her as a person. She's been close to her sister while she cheated on you as well. Words mean absolutely nothing in any case in life. People use them to inform others of their intent, or how they might want to do in the future. But finding someone who actually does what he or she says is very, very hard, and I doubt someone with such a background story is one of them. And please, not the "bad childhood" excuse. Someday you'e got to grow out of it and be an adult and behave like one. There are plenty of faithful and successful people with childhood crap in their history, and it didn't stop them. If your girl still doesn't have inner strength, she's no wife (and absolutely no mother) material at all.
drifter777 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Do you blame a compass for pointing north? No, because that's what it is, that's what it does. You need to recognize your fiance for who and what she is. She is a woman who needs men to desire her to validate her self-image. And she needs that affirmation from a man so badly that she is willing to give sex to get it. This pretty common for young women, but normally they start seeing this for what it is - a guy using her for cheap sex - and she quits doing it to regain her self-respect. She will still enjoy the attention men pay to her, but she finds healthy ways for validation of who she is. Your fiance may be able to change her spots through counseling, but do you want to bet on it? If you marry this woman you deserve whatever she does to screw you over. When you mentioned that maybe you should just be FWB with her it made me think this whole thread was garbage. Did you actually mean what you suggested?
Author campfire Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 This thread is not garbage, what I'm writing is actually my reality and my thoughts around it. It all comes down to wether or not I can trust her in the future I guess. From what all of you are saying I shouldn't be trusting her and she will definetely hurt me again. These past two weeks since discovery of the 2nd cheating episode I've been leaning more and more towards leaving her. I think if we try work through these issues together it will drive both of us mad: me feeling angry, her feeling guilty, then me feeling sorry for her and her feeling like she's never good enough for me. Being long distance doesn't make it any better. I've only been in this situation once before (breaking up with someone) and it ended with NC forever, even though I wouldn't mind staying in touch. How should I go about leaving her? I want to be in good terms with her and hopefully hang out with her in the future, because I've never had this kind of chemistry with anyone. And I'm not talking about sex. We're actually really good mates and issues put aside we have a wonderful time together. She is leaving my country 5 weeks from now so what I'm thinking is to just make the best out of and keep the issues out of my mind for now. Because if I drop the bomb now both of us will have 5 depressing weeks together. What do you think?
Author campfire Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Oh, and I forgot to mention. 1) Her mum is planning to come. Two months ago we started planning for her mum to come to my country for a visit in February/March 2014. It's a visa process. Her mum is now pushing because I haven't replied to her last email. I don't know what to tell her. If I lay out the truth saying I'm having second thoughts because of being cheated on my fiancee will probably go full rage for the next 5 weeks and never forgive me. I wish to avoid that. I told my fiancee lets make up an excuse and postpone this visit for now, but she basically reacted as if I was cancelling our whole future together and got sad. I understand her, because she was really excited about this and the thought of maybe losing me is dawning on her. 2) We are visiting my mum this weekend, she lives in a different city. Plane tickets was purchased 3 weeks ago. My mum absolutely adores my fiancee. It just makes the whole situation and breaking up part worse. 3) On another note. To those who think she doesn't really love me. You do have a point. But see. I have been introduced to her whole family at this point. That is a first-timer for her, even though she's 25. My fiancee loves to cook for me, treat me well, gives me freedom and basically has my back 100% when we're together. Just like I am likewise to her. I just think she has had a couple of episodes where she fell back to old habits, and it would have been prevented if we weren't long distance. When people have affairs there's usually some emotional or physical need that is not being fulfilled, and for her it was attention and sex. Those are things that are hard for me to provide long distance. She needed replacement and found it, I didn't. I know it's a bad argument, but still. I do believe that she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, and that she desires to change. I think she can change, but I also think there's a high risk she will slip up as long as we're long distance.
Author campfire Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 Just one small question... how do you expect your girlfriend to respect you if you do not have any self respect? She will cuckold you your whole life, you are a price of a boyfriend/husband because she can manage you how she wants. I really pity you, you are so dependent on this woman that you allow her to treat you as less than human. Let me just explain my thinking: Doesn't almost everyone cheat when given the opportunity? That's my impression of life so far. My dad cheated, my mum cheated, basically my whole family has cheated at some point, physically, emotionally or both. Some ended up in divorce, some reconciled. Some changed their behaviour, some didn't. I know about half of my close friends have cheated on their previous/current girlfriend at some point. This forum is filled with people who have been cheated on. Whats wrong with having a little faith in the one person I love and believing that she will change? I do have self respect. I'm beating her for this (not physically of course). She has broken down everyday since discovery. Both of us are exhausted. Are you saying that's not punishment? I will probably cut her down for this in the next year to come, on and off depending on what triggers my emotions at the time. I don't want to do it, but its part of my dealing with it and healing process if we are to stay together. For her it will feel like punishment. Leaving her would also feel like punishment. What if she cleans up her act? I don't know. Maybe I'm putting love before morals and maybe thats wrong if I don't want to get hurt like this.
jnel921 Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain. In two different countries even harder. It is clear she doesn't love you. Her reasons are ridiculous. Redemption? The last hurrahs before M? Seriously. Block her number and find a girl closer to home. You are stressing yourself out unnecessarily. Yes, you sound naive. Let her go.
miguelcervantes Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 As a matter of curiosity, can you say what the two countries involved are ? Thx
Author campfire Posted January 24, 2014 Author Posted January 24, 2014 East Africa and Northern Europe.
bubbaganoosh Posted January 24, 2014 Posted January 24, 2014 Oh, and I forgot to mention. 1) Her mum is planning to come. Two months ago we started planning for her mum to come to my country for a visit in February/March 2014. It's a visa process. Her mum is now pushing because I haven't replied to her last email. I don't know what to tell her. If I lay out the truth saying I'm having second thoughts because of being cheated on my fiancee will probably go full rage for the next 5 weeks and never forgive me. I wish to avoid that. I told my fiancee lets make up an excuse and postpone this visit for now, but she basically reacted as if I was cancelling our whole future together and got sad. I understand her, because she was really excited about this and the thought of maybe losing me is dawning on her. 2) We are visiting my mum this weekend, she lives in a different city. Plane tickets was purchased 3 weeks ago. My mum absolutely adores my fiancee. It just makes the whole situation and breaking up part worse. 3) On another note. To those who think she doesn't really love me. You do have a point. But see. I have been introduced to her whole family at this point. That is a first-timer for her, even though she's 25. My fiancee loves to cook for me, treat me well, gives me freedom and basically has my back 100% when we're together. Just like I am likewise to her. I just think she has had a couple of episodes where she fell back to old habits, and it would have been prevented if we weren't long distance. When people have affairs there's usually some emotional or physical need that is not being fulfilled, and for her it was attention and sex. Those are things that are hard for me to provide long distance. She needed replacement and found it, I didn't. I know it's a bad argument, but still. I do believe that she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, and that she desires to change. I think she can change, but I also think there's a high risk she will slip up as long as we're long distance. I can't see how these 5 weeks can be a bed of roses for you to be around her. She cheated on you and your making the best of it? Those 5 weeks can be like 5 years if this is what you have to put up with and now her mother is coming? All your doing is begging for more trouble. End this thing and move on before more damage is done. If you don't have any self respect, how can you expect her to give you any.
Author campfire Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 I'd rather have 5 weeks and try have a good time instead of 5 weeks with someone whom I broke up with. Call it pretending or what you want, but its better than a house filled with sadness. Believe it or not, we are fully able to look past this issue and have a great time together. But we both have our moments of breakdowns. The weekend went fine. My mum knows nothing and treats her as her future daughter in law. It is a twisted world.
thummper Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I'd rather have 5 weeks and try have a good time instead of 5 weeks with someone whom I broke up with. Call it pretending or what you want, but its better than a house filled with sadness. Believe it or not, we are fully able to look past this issue and have a great time together. But we both have our moments of breakdowns. The weekend went fine. My mum knows nothing and treats her as her future daughter in law. It is a twisted world. You know it, brother! I wish you the best, but I'm afraid her wandering hasn't ended. I don't think she'll be able to handle this long-distance stuff without seeking sex. From what you've said, she seems to need that, and if she can't get it from you, well then......you know. Sorry.
lolablue17 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 you now know her values: (which are totaly legitimate) She believes in a marriage that includes each side can **** around sometimes, here and there, as long as it's a side order and not the main dish. she allows you to do it and she already took and will take the permission to do it herself. (she agrees to tell but prefers to keep it in secret) I know couples who lives happily with this arrangement. its going well for them. You will never change her! that's who she is! if you think you can live with those terms, you will have a stable marriage, great sex and a great life. but if you want a conservative marriage, walk away. dont be friend with benefits with her because you will not get the benefits, just the frustration and heart broken.
Buckeye2 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) I'd rather have 5 weeks and try have a good time instead of 5 weeks with someone whom I broke up with. Call it pretending or what you want, but its better than a house filled with sadness. Believe it or not, we are fully able to look past this issue and have a great time together. I can tell you are going to do the 5 weeks. When the five weeks are over, do NOT marry her. At least be honest with yourself, she is going to cheat on you. She loves you as a brother or father. She loves the idea of being part of your family. You can take care of her and she and her boyfriends can service each other. The basic problem is that she just doesn’t see sex as that big of a deal. She gives her friend repeated sexual “therapy" no strings attached. Then she has you socialize with her friend and you shouldn’t mind. It's just sex after all. It’s hard to tell what she regrets more: her cheating or me finding out? In her mind there is nothing at all wrong with the sex, the only problem is that she likes you and doesn't like hurting you. If you didn't find out, everything would be great. In her case I think it’s like telling someone it’s bad to wear green. They know it hurts you when they wear green but they don’t see that much wrong with it and never will. How about going Friends with benefits with her? That would basically leave me emotionally invulnerable to any of her future actions as far as our non-existent relationship status goes, we would still keep in touch and just go with the flow with no commitment. I've never had experience with something like that, but it does sound more favourable than A) Marrying her or B) Dumping her. If you can’t dump her do this and DNA test any kids. Edited January 27, 2014 by Buckeye2
Author campfire Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 you now know her values: (which are totaly legitimate) She believes in a marriage that includes each side can **** around sometimes, here and there, as long as it's a side order and not the main dish. she allows you to do it and she already took and will take the permission to do it herself. (she agrees to tell but prefers to keep it in secret) I know couples who lives happily with this arrangement. its going well for them. You will never change her! that's who she is! if you think you can live with those terms, you will have a stable marriage, great sex and a great life. but if you want a conservative marriage, walk away. dont be friend with benefits with her because you will not get the benefits, just the frustration and heart broken. Good post. I agree to a certain extent. Your values are determined by your actions, not your words. Being that she cheated twice it doesn't matter what she says, right? She is and always will be a serial cheater. What makes this difficult is that i believe her when she expresses how bad and guilty she feels. I don't think she believes cheating is okay, despite having done it herself. Both me and her believes she has the ability to change. That being said we are just being good to each other these days. When she leaves the country in 4 weeks time I think I will tell her to give me some space to make a decision on our future. I don't see us marrying anytime soon.
Author campfire Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 So my fiance, lets just call her Peggy, called me at work today. She had just woken up from a bad dream. In the dream she had the ability to fly and it was a family secret between her, her mum and her sister. This secret was something I couldn't handle so I broke up with her. After the breakup she was heartbroken and devestated. She tried dating other people but it didn't work at all and when being with her family she missed me alot. She texted me and confessed her love but I never replied. When she woke up she felt lonely and sad and decided to call me.
ctxinfl Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Let me just explain my thinking: Doesn't almost everyone cheat when given the opportunity? Quit trying to rationalize her behavior! She's not marriage material. She's not even girlfriend material! And no, people don't cheat simply because of opportunity. I traveled across the country for my job for years. I would be gone a week at a time. I can't begin to tell you the opportunities I had, though I never entertained them as I respected my cheating STBX. I respected the commitment we made to each other.
lolablue17 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 So my fiance, lets just call her Peggy, called me at work today. She had just woken up from a bad dream. In the dream she had the ability to fly and it was a family secret between her, her mum and her sister. This secret was something I couldn't handle so I broke up with her. After the breakup she was heartbroken and devestated. She tried dating other people but it didn't work at all and when being with her family she missed me alot. She texted me and confessed her love but I never replied. When she woke up she felt lonely and sad and decided to call me. I think you so much in love with her and see mostly her good sides... Well, no one can realy know the future and tell if she can change or not. people can change, but the statistics are not at your favor... especially when she doesnt think her actions are so seriously bad
AirForceWife038 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 i'm so sorry you are going through this, I can feel the hurt in your words. it's so hard when you love someone and when you are together they make you happy. I hate to give advice when i'm in no place to considering i'm living in the same house with someone I thought I knew for 20 years and turned out I didn't know him as well as I thought I did, but if we didn't have 4 children together and were not in the same country I don't think I would give reconciliation a 2nd thought. whatever you decide I wish you the best.
Silveron Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Campfire, any issues you have before marriage gets magnified by 10 after marriage. During a normal engagement the two should be in a lovey-dove stage where she is so excited about not just the wedding but the future with her husband that cheating / flirting is not even thought of. The fact that she can so easily do this to do, especially at this time is truly alarming. Once the novelty of the wedding wears off, how long will it take for her to become 'bored' and start seeking other men? If you continue this relationship with her, you will be walking on eggshells everyday! You will be on a roller coaster ride, wondering what she is doing and where she is at. While this is happening, you, yourself will be changing as a person and for the worst. Your anxiety and worry will make you a bitter person and the relationship will dwindle fast. She will blame the marriage on your change of personality and will not take any responsibility. In a few years after anguish and disgust you will divorce and you will be a jaded person. She will make herself look great to any other guy out there and then the cycle repeats with the new man. She is selfish. She is immature. She has emotional/mental issues. It's fine for you to want the best for her and be there for her, however know the risks that you will be facing. No matter how much you are there for her, only SHE can fix herself which is by going to counseling and having a complete change of life style. Her concern for this other guy's EGO over the love and well-being for you should be a clear indicator that she is NOT putting you first! She won't and probably never will. Just know though that she would do this to ANY guy she is with. Don't place your own self-worth on whether or not you marry this girl and whether she truly loves you and commits to the relationship. If you do this, you will drive yourself into a mental home. You need to be VERY careful when having a relationship with this type of person. This is a very dangerous position to be in. A person that has major emotional/mental issues is a very draining, heart-breaking and at times depressing on the other spouse. I am in one of those right now. I looked at the good in her and forgave and moved on from the situations she has put herself and me into. I pushed on when awful things were said and done to me. I continued to look at the positive. Thing is, I know my wife is beautiful however it's the illness that has taken over her. Her body is there, however the sickness of her mental issues have made her a shell of herself. No matter how much love, advice and support you give, unless they hit rock bottom and get help nothing is going to change. If she is serious about you, encourage her to get counseling and do not guarantee that a marriage will take place. Give her a year to see if she can adjust with the help. This is the only way you can help her and yourself. Be strong.
Author campfire Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Thanks Silveron. How would you suggest relating to her in that "recovery year"? It could simply be a break in our relationship but would you advice no contact?
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