campfire Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Maybe I (28 yrs old) just need to vent. 1.5 yrs ago: Met my current fiancee (25 yrs old) and started a long distance relationship. We're on different continents but planning for her to move in with me. Half a year ago: She cheated on me. I found out after having a bad gut feeling by snooping in her inbox, found text/pictures evidence and confronted her. I couldn't prove the extent of the cheating but she admitted to having slept with the guy once and developing feelings for him. He left her country so there is no way they have continued this, I have even checked her Skype, facebook and mail with her permission. I forgave but never forget and for me it did instill some insecurities about our future. The other day, after several weeks together, I had a new bad gut feeling. Something just told me to check her whatsapp messages with a close friend of her. It took me about 20 seconds to find evidence that they had slept together a couple of months back! I am heartbroken, confused and don't know what to do at this point. My feelings are mixed and the only thing I know for sure is that I love her and want whats best for her. About the 2nd cheating, it was with a different guy, a close friend whom she had a bad sexual experience with a long time ago. Them having sex was basically for him to redeem himself and she wanted to do that for him after him nagging for a long time, and she wanted to do it before getting married. No emotions attached. This is her explanation, but I just find the whole thing sick. I met the guy at her birthday 4 weeks ago, he was hooking up with some chick. Who does these things and is there anything she hasn't told me? Who ****s their best friend as some sort of favour? She insists it was just for him to get his ego back, they didn't kiss and so forth. All "professional". Upon confronting her about all this, she decides to come clean about the cheating half a year ago. Turns out they slept together more than once over a period of at least a week. That broke my heart because I have been justifying her cheating in telling myself that it was a one-time moment of weakness on her side being that we are long distance. To make matters worse, when we talk about honesty and being true to each other, she keeps saying she wanted to protect me and she doesn't like the way I react when telling me hurtful things. Plus if I hadn't snooped on her we wouldn't be having this issue. I then proceed to tell her that maybe if she didn't cheat we wouldn't be having this issue. She tells me to just bury the past and try move on because she always loved me and still do, she wants to marry me and promises to never do these things again. And if she does, she will tell me. The thing is, had I done the same to her she doesn't want to know. She would be okay and understanding if I slip up and have a couple "moments of weakness". So in her head she has done to me what she would prefer me to do to her in the same circumstances. Its hard to tell what she regrets more: her cheating or me finding out? She tells me she regrets to both but knowing that she hates hurting me I dont know what to think. Am I naive in wanting to forgive her at this point? I just want to move on and be happy. She makes me happy when together, but the distance and fear of her cheating is killing me. Plus I'm pretty confident that in a scenario of us living in the same country this won't ever happen again. Maybe we should just give it a go because she will be coming to my country for 2-3 months in July?
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Are you serious?? You're contemplating marrying a woman who has cheated on you twice in your 1.5 year long relationship? And the excuse she gives for one of them was so that he could redeem himself from the last time they had sex?? Are you high??? The fact that she said she promises to never do it again, BUT would tell you IF she did...well, you can bet she will do it again. You are deluding yourself if you think you can marry this girl and live happily ever after. Cut your losses and move on. You deserve better. 9
Author campfire Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Sadly I am serious yes. I just listed all the nasty things in our relationship so obviously any neutral party would suggest to get the hell out of this. But I love her and we have a great time when together so its difficult to just leave it. And the fact that I had gotten past the first time cheating makes me think I can do it again. But then again, I did promise myself that there will be just one second chance. Not two..
harrybrown Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. You are not married to her. You do not have children with her. This will always be in the back of your mind. Run and do not look back. Go NC with her. Find someone that will love you and not cheat on you. Please run to avoid so much heartache. You could be happy at some point in your life and not have this bother you for years. Believe me, I know, because some days are better than others, but when the bad days come, it is not worth it. If you do not run, get an prenup agreement. Spell out the property division, alimony, child custody, etc. I hope you wake up and realize she will not stop cheating. 1
goodyblue Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Will you love the horrible feelings you have to live with all the time worrying if she will cheat over and over? Always looking through her things? Always looking over your shoulder for clues? Will you enjoy 'loving her' but her not loving you enough to be faithful? Come on, man... you're not even married. Don't take that leap and 'hope for her to redeem herself, especially since she's already told you she can't be honest with you. That's the most horrible thing about all of this, that you don't have an honest relationship. Not a good idea. You deserve someone better, who will love you wholly. 1
dichotomy Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me. 4
ZMM Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 The thing is, had I done the same to her she doesn't want to know. She would be okay and understanding if I slip up and have a couple "moments of weakness". So in her head she has done to me what she would prefer me to do to her in the same circumstances. It almost sounds like you guys had some agreement, either said out right or implied, that this wasn't a strictly monogamous relationship.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Sadly I am serious yes. I just listed all the nasty things in our relationship so obviously any neutral party would suggest to get the hell out of this. But I love her and we have a great time when together so its difficult to just leave it. And the fact that I had gotten past the first time cheating makes me think I can do it again. But then again, I did promise myself that there will be just one second chance. Not two.. Last week a priest told me about a pre-marriage counseling session he had with a young couple. He asked a question that he normally doesn't ask: "Do you feel safe with this person?". He never heard from them again. Do you feel safe (emotionally) with this person? It doesn't sound like it to me. 1
No Limit Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Sorry but in cases like this people should just train their minds up, their objectivity. And put their hearts out for a while. If that'd be easy, LoveShack's infidelity and cheating forums wouldn't be nearly as filled as they are today. You already know the best choice for yourself, breaking up and getting out of dodge as fast as you can. But since you're still considering marrying her, I'm sure the breakup will happen once she does get pregnant and you'll have the great experience to find out that her child isn't yours or any other affair/cheating stories. Better write your LS password down, I suspect you'll be back in this forum a few months after your wedding. Ah well. Enjoy the cake. 2
thummper Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 (edited) Let me get this straight in my head, Campfire. You're ACTUALLY going to wed a serial cheater?! As one man to another, what in the hell are you thinking? There's no way this babe is going to change. Any time she feels like it, she's going to go ahead and boink some other guy, and then not tell you in order to "protect" you. What a crock. Come on, man. Is she sooo hot that you're going to overlook this outrageous behavior and go ahead and marry her? She's made it VERY plain that she has no intention of remaining faithful to you. I don't think she's capable of fidelity. Helping her friend to regain his ego!? I thought I'd heard just about every lame excuse in the book, but this one just about tops them all. This drama will continue until, eventually, you'll get tired of her affairs and divorce her. Save yourself a lot of grief and "divorce" her right now before you take your vows, because regardless of what she said, she's made it clear that any "vows" she takes will just be meaningless words to her. Yes, it might be painful for you right now, but in the long run you'll be so glad you didn't get sucked into taking her as your wife. Edited January 22, 2014 by thummper 2
Author campfire Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 How about going Friends with benefits with her? That would basically leave me emotionally invulnerable to any of her future actions as far as our non-existent relationship status goes, we would still keep in touch and just go with the flow with no commitment. I've never had experience with something like that, but it does sound more favourable than A) Marrying her or B) Dumping her. We haven't officially broken our engagement but I have made it pretty clear to her that it will take a lot of time healing before we start discussing marriage.
thummper Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Sorry, Campfire. You seem to have your head in the sand. You're so twitterpated with this girl that apparently she can do anything (or anyone, ahem ahem) she wants and you'll only be too happy to overlook it. She knows she has nothing to worry about from you, so why be faithful? I just can hardly believe you're willing to put up with this situation.
miguelcervantes Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 How about going Friends with benefits with her? That would basically leave me emotionally invulnerable to any of her future actions as far as our non-existent relationship status goes, we would still keep in touch and just go with the flow with no commitment. I've never had experience with something like that, but it does sound more favourable than A) Marrying her or B) Dumping her. We haven't officially broken our engagement but I have made it pretty clear to her that it will take a lot of time healing before we start discussing marriage. Excuse me, but she has officially broken your engagement. FWB in two different countries ? How does that work ? Do you travel over often ? How far away is her country ?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I just want to move on and be happy. This is called rug sweeping. Like instead of cleaning up the mess on the floor, you just sweep it under the rug and leave it there. Sure, there's a big old lump under the rug, but you try your best to ignore it and hope neither of you trips over it. This is your life. Do you really want to ignore a huge problem like this? As you asked, "who does stuff like this?" 3
thummper Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Sadly I am serious yes. I just listed all the nasty things in our relationship so obviously any neutral party would suggest to get the hell out of this. But I love her and we have a great time when together so its difficult to just leave it. And the fact that I had gotten past the first time cheating makes me think I can do it again. But then again, I did promise myself that there will be just one second chance. Not two.. I don't understand your attitude here. You think you could do it (get past her cheating on you) AGAIN!? Man, you are DEEP in the fog! Mental images of her screwing with other guys don't bother you? If that's true, maybe you two should look into swinging, and then you could have as much fun as she's having. Very convoluted relationship.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 She tells me to just bury the past and try move on because she always loved me and still do, she wants to marry me and promises to never do these things again. And if she does, she will tell me. When you read this part, does it sound as ridiculous to you as it does to me? 3
underwater2010 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Since you guys are in limbo and she doesn't seem to care if you were screwing someone else....why not take a break and go find some other girls to mess around with. Then you can gauge her true reaction to you sleeping with someone else. FYI....most of the time they lose it when the shoe is on the other foot. My suggestion is basically to run far and fast. She doesn't respect you now and most likely she won't respect you after you take vows either. 2
MissBee Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 (edited) I think it's a bit foolish and rash to just want to "move on" from this. It seems you want to sweep it under the rug and think things will just change once married....no, marriage won't make things better, only worse and now you're gonna be legally locked in with this person. You have HUGE red flags, I mean it's not even a flag...it's a clear offense. She's cheated TWICE. I've been in two long distance relationships an never cheated not even once, so you cannot and should not blame the distance and think that that's what made her cheat but if together in the same place she wouldn't....that's crazy. A woman who respects and loves you isn't going to cheat on you multiple times, not even one time, regardless of distance, trust me. My own rule in life is that it's one thing if we're already married and you cheat, maybe I'll try to reconcile but if we haven't even been married yet and you're already cheating and worse you're a repeat offender, I'm not gonna go there with you and I don't think you should go there with her either. I just saw that you're suggesting being FWB with your cheating ex-fiance...huh?!!! Campfire, I'm sorry but you're sounding desperate and like you have no self-respect. I can tell that you are way more into this woman than she is into you and will accept ANYTHING while she just cheats and says "Oops sorry, but if I do it again I'll let you know" and you're like "Ok promise?" I mean this is nuts! Please respect yourself FOREMOST then you can find a woman who isn't playing you for a fool because you let her. Edited January 22, 2014 by MissBee 2
No Limit Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 About the friends with benefits thing; also think of that girl. She might be a cheater who probably deserves your pity, not your love, but that's no reason to use her like her so called friends did already. Dump her. And don't make her move backwards even further than she already did by using her just like her other so called 'friends' did. I'm not going to judge you for it though. A woman that's easy to get like her, no wonder even her friends are tempted.
thummper Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 And how can you possibly "love" someone who hasn't shown that she can be faithful to you? She's cheated already, she's admitted to it apparently with no remorse AT ALL, and you're not even married yet. Maybe I'm old-fashioned (actually, no "maybe" about it ), but this does not fit my definition of "love." It might be more accurate to say you're in "lust" with her.
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 The question you need to be seeking an answer for is why do you have such low self esteem and so little confidence in yourself that you are willing to settle for - - having an electronic relationship with a woman in another country that you rarely even see instead of a flesh and blood woman where you live? - committing yourself to marrying that woman even though you've spent very little time with her and before you truly got to know her? - tolerating her cheating on you. - believing her story it was only once. - tolerating her cheating on you another time. - believing her absolutely asinine story of why she did it. - even considering having a FWB arraingement with her. This is basically saying you are so desperate for her attention you are willing to let her screw whoever she wants as long as you get thrown a bone now and then. What you should be asking is how to fix your broken self esteem and your broken self image. Otherwise not only will she continue to use you and treat you like dirt but so will the next crazy chick you find and the next one and the next one. You are the one that is broken here. Something is making you settle for being treated like crap and willing to take more. 2
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Any chance she is just using this relationship to get into the country???? 1
Author campfire Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 I guess both her and me are broken people. She has some issues from her childhood that caused some crazy behaviour in her teens. She's been through many short relationships, been treated like crap and her self esteem is low. She also has a high sex drive, so its easy to put two and two together and figure out how her last 5 years have been before me. Why am I willing to go through this torture? I honestly don't know, but I remember hating myself for dumping my last ex and getting low self esteem from that time. Maybe I'm punishing myself for it? Or maybe I'm just a romantic guy who believes she loves me and is willing to change. I overheard her skyping with her sister yesterday. She does seem very regretful about the whole thing. Her sister would say: "Don't - ever - do - that - **** - again, this guy loves you and he's family" to which she replied "I won't, trust you me. I learnt this time". "The single wild you must die, ok?" - "I know, I promise" Might not sound powerful to any of you, but she's closer with her sister than anyone on earth and they know all of each others secrets. Honestly I think she's truly regretful but she has trouble setting boundaries and controlling her own behaviour. We live 20 hrs apart (two flights) but I like the country and will probably travel there every year like I have been the last 2 years. I have many friends there.
Confuddled1983 Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 she doesn't like the way I react when telling me hurtful things. Plus if I hadn't snooped on her we wouldn't be having this issue. Her reactions to cheating say A LOT. She doesn't like the way you react when she tells you how much of a cheating scumbag she is? how would she prefer you to act? My ex said the EXACT same words and he was a manipulative, self centred abusive person. If you hadn't been snooping ....! this was another favourite of my ex partners. Twisting the blame onto you - do you think this is fair at all? IMO you need to get the heck away from this woman as soon as possible. She is manipulating and controlling and then shifts the blame onto you for HER wrong-doing. This woman has serious issues.
Scott Thomas Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 She cheated on you. There's a high probability she'll cheat again if you're married. Do you want to have a home/child with someone like her? Are you willing to risk permanent (future) distress just to maintain a relationship with her? There are three billion women out there. End the relationship and find someone else. If you stay with her, you'll be setting yourself up for future trouble.
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