Ordinaryday Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 typically have about the dumpee? Yes, I am aware there is no one rule, it will differ depending on a million different variables, but just in general. Just tonight I yet again saw my ex out in public, this time down the road from where I work. it hurt more cos she was walking hand in hand with a new guy, obviously her new boyfriend. She was walking towards me and the moment I spotted them I walked across the road to avoid them, she would have seen me avoid her. it just hurts because we broke up because I had several problems I was trying to work through and initially she was supportive about it, but after awhile she felt my efforts were not good enough and she decided that she had had enough. I thought things were going well and then one day out of the blue we had a (what I thought was) minor fight and she abruptly said "I have had enough, I am done. don't contact me again". a few hours later I got a text message saying she was sorry and if I ever felt I could handle being friends she would "be there" for me. I told her I was not interested in being anything but her boyfriend. Anyway, she knows I had all these problems which, as far as she knows, I never worked through. do exes care about how you are going? do they ever wonder if you have solved all your problems? do they even care, or do they simply think "not my problem anymore"? even though I know a breadcrumb would set me back I have secretly been hoping for one for AGES, simply because it would inform me she still thinks about me and that I meant something to her. seeing her walking hand in hand smiling with this guy hurt me to no end, because it said to me "I meant absolutely NOTHING to her". so tell me, those of you who have been dumpers? do you care about how your exes are going? do you ever miss them? or do you simply think "they are no longer a part of my life" and just DON'T CARE how they are going? tell me!
Philosoraptor Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Most people with empathy wish those they have cared about well. Many dumpers do miss the dumpee, but logically know that they made the decision before for themselves at the moment and stick by it. They don't allow fleeting emotions to take them back to something they have already came to the conclusion would fail. Regardless, someone else's potential negative feelings for you shouldn't have an effect on who you are or how you feel about yourself. If you meant nothing to them then be thankful that you have escaped such a heartless person and now you have the opportunity to heal and find someone who truly cares for you. 5
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Most people with empathy wish those they have cared about well. Many dumpers do miss the dumpee, but logically know that they made the decision before for themselves at the moment and stick by it. They don't allow fleeting emotions to take them back to something they have already came to the conclusion would fail. Regardless, someone else's potential negative feelings for you shouldn't have an effect on who you are or how you feel about yourself. If you meant nothing to them then be thankful that you have escaped such a heartless person and now you have the opportunity to heal and find someone who truly cares for you. it just hurts, I have not had one date since she dumped me, and I have been incredibly depressed. and seeing her tonite walking with a new guy, hand in hand, it just said to me "I meant nothing to her" and in the words of a great song... "it shouldn't bother me... no it shouldn't... but it does"
sw2020 Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Sounds like you need to work on yourself a bit. It's a lot easier outside of a relationship. Get in shape, eat healthy, do new things. Have loads of fun. 1
Philosoraptor Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 it just hurts, I have not had one date since she dumped me, and I have been incredibly depressed. and seeing her tonite walking with a new guy, hand in hand, it just said to me "I meant nothing to her" and in the words of a great song... "it shouldn't bother me... no it shouldn't... but it does" She's working on moving on and you're pining. This isn't a fault of hers, this is your own lack of progress. It doesn't mean you never meant anything to her. It means she's comfortable with what happened and she's focused on working on her own future.... just like you need to be focused on yours and not on the past.
RDawg Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I read somewhere that dumpers regard us dumpees as a 'defeated person' - ie someone they have defeated. In my case where there was a lot of fighting towards the end I think this could be true. By dumping you they win the final fight. 1
Philosoraptor Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I read somewhere that dumpers regard us dumpees as a 'defeated person' - ie someone they have defeated. In my case where there was a lot of fighting towards the end I think this could be true. By dumping you they win the final fight. Anyone who views a breakup this way is emotionally immature. A mature person ends a relationship because it is what is best for them... not to have power over another person. 2
RDawg Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I don't think that they consciously end it for that reason, it is just how they come to view us down the line. I think my ex feels sorry for me. I feel sorry for her too.
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 She's working on moving on and you're pining. This isn't a fault of hers, this is your own lack of progress. It doesn't mean you never meant anything to her. It means she's comfortable with what happened and she's focused on working on her own future.... just like you need to be focused on yours and not on the past. that is a point I have long made. it is typically easier for women to get over breakups because they can just go to the next man who asks them out, he will shower her with attention and she will forget about you. but for men actually getting another date is often a huge tough slog so they pine a lot more because often THERE IS NO 'next' woman. I have not had a single date since we broke up a year and a half ago.
Sugarkane Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 that is a point I have long made. it is typically easier for women to get over breakups because they can just go to the next man who asks them out, he will shower her with attention and she will forget about you. but for men actually getting another date is often a huge tough slog so they pine a lot more because often THERE IS NO 'next' woman. I have not had a single date since we broke up a year and a half ago. Completely disagree with you. I've been the dumpee more than the dumper and each time they've jumped straight into a relationship and I haven't at all. Women don't have it easier- no one wants to be with a depressed person, pining over someone else.
OhThatGirl Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 that is a point I have long made. it is typically easier for women to get over breakups because they can just go to the next man who asks them out, he will shower her with attention and she will forget about you. but for men actually getting another date is often a huge tough slog so they pine a lot more because often THERE IS NO 'next' woman. I have not had a single date since we broke up a year and a half ago. Oh dear. For every girl that moves on to the next guy there is the guy that she moves on to. See what I'm saying? Unless she gave up men and turned into a lesbian there was a guy out there that got the girl. No more of this "it's so easy for girls" stuff. It's equally easy for both unless one sex is making a massive shift to homosexuality. Let's be honest. What you're really saying is "it's so easy for people who are confident and know there is something out there for them." Now the trick is being one of those people. It takes work. Be the guy you would want to date. I hope this makes sense. My point is, best advice for a girl is "put on some makeup, a smile, your most flattering clothes and keep moving." Do whatever the guy equivalent is. Hell. Maybe they're the same. Do what it takes to like what's in the mirror, learn to smile again (a real one, us girls know when you're faking it) and get active. It's the ooooonly thing you have to do. 1
organizedchaos Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 that is a point I have long made. it is typically easier for women to get over breakups because they can just go to the next man who asks them out, he will shower her with attention and she will forget about you. but for men actually getting another date is often a huge tough slog so they pine a lot more because often THERE IS NO 'next' woman. I have not had a single date since we broke up a year and a half ago. No, its not a huge tough slog for a guy to get a date. A guy can get a date just as easy as a girl. In the 6 months since my bu I've dated 6 different women. Some only once and no gf yet but that's ok. I'm getting out there. 3 were from online, 2 met in a bar a 1 was a setup from a mutual friend. Just put yourself out there.
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Completely disagree with you. I've been the dumpee more than the dumper and each time they've jumped straight into a relationship and I haven't at all. Women don't have it easier- no one wants to be with a depressed person, pining over someone else. wow and you live in Melbourne as well! the thing is my last dumper basically dumped me because she said I was a failure in life with no ambition and going nowhere - i personally don't believe that, I am enrolled in a Masters and work full time but I don't have a 'career type' (9 to 5 in which you wear a suit) job so apparently she thought I was a go nowhere loser and dumped me. stuff like that is not easy to recover from. I know you have to 'get back on the horse' but I just have not had the strength or energy to go back to singles bars again after being dumped. and when I saw her last night walking hand in hand with this new guy it said to me that she had absolutely no problem forgetting about me
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Oh dear. For every girl that moves on to the next guy there is the guy that she moves on to. See what I'm saying? Unless she gave up men and turned into a lesbian there was a guy out there that got the girl. No more of this "it's so easy for girls" stuff. It's equally easy for both unless one sex is making a massive shift to homosexuality. Let's be honest. What you're really saying is "it's so easy for people who are confident and know there is something out there for them." Now the trick is being one of those people. It takes work. Be the guy you would want to date. I hope this makes sense. My point is, best advice for a girl is "put on some makeup, a smile, your most flattering clothes and keep moving." Do whatever the guy equivalent is. Hell. Maybe they're the same. Do what it takes to like what's in the mirror, learn to smile again (a real one, us girls know when you're faking it) and get active. It's the ooooonly thing you have to do. yeah but since guys are typically the ones expected to do the asking out it is easier for girls cos they don't have to risk rejection. I can't count the number of times over the past year where I have met a girl I thought was interested but she was just being polite and has a boyfriend. but a girl can be anti-social and shy and nervous and guys will still ask her out. good luck though to an anti-social, shy and nervous guy to find a date.
Sugarkane Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Finally another Melbournian! So she said you're not ambitious, but you're doing your Masters- WTF? And you can still have a career, even if it's not 9-5, in a suit, my dad has for years in the fire brigade! I don't understand why dumpers talk such crap?! And what did your ex do that so "ambitious"? [ QUOTE=Ordinaryday;5482260]wow and you live in Melbourne as well! the thing is my last dumper basically dumped me because she said I was a failure in life with no ambition and going nowhere - i personally don't believe that, I am enrolled in a Masters and work full time but I don't have a 'career type' (9 to 5 in which you wear a suit) job so apparently she thought I was a go nowhere loser and dumped me. stuff like that is not easy to recover from. I know you have to 'get back on the horse' but I just have not had the strength or energy to go back to singles bars again after being dumped. and when I saw her last night walking hand in hand with this new guy it said to me that she had absolutely no problem forgetting about me
Sugarkane Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 yeah but since guys are typically the ones expected to do the asking out it is easier for girls cos they don't have to risk rejection. I can't count the number of times over the past year where I have met a girl I thought was interested but she was just being polite and has a boyfriend. but a girl can be anti-social and shy and nervous and guys will still ask her out. good luck though to an anti-social, shy and nervous guy to find a date. I disagree I've found being shy/ nervous can put people off. Or they think wrongly that you're stuck up, even though you're not.
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 23, 2014 Author Posted January 23, 2014 Finally another Melbournian! So she said you're not ambitious, but you're doing your Masters- WTF? And you can still have a career, even if it's not 9-5, in a suit, my dad has for years in the fire brigade! I don't understand why dumpers talk such crap?! And what did your ex do that so "ambitious"? [ QUOTE=Ordinaryday;5482260]wow and you live in Melbourne as well! the thing is my last dumper basically dumped me because she said I was a failure in life with no ambition and going nowhere - i personally don't believe that, I am enrolled in a Masters and work full time but I don't have a 'career type' (9 to 5 in which you wear a suit) job so apparently she thought I was a go nowhere loser and dumped me. stuff like that is not easy to recover from. I know you have to 'get back on the horse' but I just have not had the strength or energy to go back to singles bars again after being dumped. and when I saw her last night walking hand in hand with this new guy it said to me that she had absolutely no problem forgetting about me it is all about perspective. she was a fitness nut and she told me upfront that she had to be with someone who believed in a 'healthy lifestyle'. I do, and I told her that, but it turns out we had different definitions of what a 'healthy lifestyle' is. her definition was NEVER ever eating junk food, training at the gym four times a week, running every day and so on. mine was eating generally all right and exercising once a week. she said that I 'lied' to her about having a healthy lifestyle, I simply believe my definition is of what it is is different to hers. she also cracked it cos I live in Footscray and she said that no one with ambition in life would live in a junkie suburb. and she lived in frankston. it is easy to laugh and say she was 'crazy' but it still really hurt me and seeing her with this new guy absolutely broke my heart.
Ajax Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 As someone who felt "defeated" by a breakup a few years ago, I can relate to how you're feeling. My ex also moved on pretty quickly and easily, leaving me feeling like I just wasn't good enough. It took time, but it got better. Now having read your posts and about her attitude towards you, I think you really dodged a bullet. Your ex wants to live a certain lifestyle with a certain type of person, and that's not you. You could fake the lifestyle for a while, but it would be exhausting for you and you wouldn't be happy anyway. Or you could be yourself and put up with constant nagging about how you should be doing more, and again, you wouldn't be happy. Getting over someone who hurt you takes a while, but in the end you'll find someone who's a better fit for you and will help you grow without putting you down. 1
Sugarkane Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 You're ex sounds pretty rigid sort of person. I don't think someone who lives in Frankston should be putting someone down for living in Footscray! Sorry that made me laugh. Reminds me of my arrogant ex who would do the same to me, except he lived in Oakleigh. I mean without Chadstone what else does Oakleigh have? It's just like anywhere else. it is all about perspective. she was a fitness nut and she told me upfront that she had to be with someone who believed in a 'healthy lifestyle'. I do, and I told her that, but it turns out we had different definitions of what a 'healthy lifestyle' is. her definition was NEVER ever eating junk food, training at the gym four times a week, running every day and so on. mine was eating generally all right and exercising once a week. she said that I 'lied' to her about having a healthy lifestyle, I simply believe my definition is of what it is is different to hers. she also cracked it cos I live in Footscray and she said that no one with ambition in life would live in a junkie suburb. and she lived in frankston. it is easy to laugh and say she was 'crazy' but it still really hurt me and seeing her with this new guy absolutely broke my heart. 1
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