HokeyReligions Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 There seems to be a lot of posts from people saying their SO has made [perceived] demands, or replies advising people to dump someone because of a perceived demand. Is this conscious manipulation or are some people so spoiled/brainwashed that they don't even understand the concept of meeting someone halfway or considering other people's feelings? Its like some people have an agenda and if the person they are dating or have a committed relationship with varies one iota from their agenda, they think it is catastrophic and they feel victimized in some way. I'm not talking about obvious abuse cases, but couples making everything an ultimatum and not a discussion point. If one person 'concedes' to another's desire they get advice that it was the wrong thing to do and the person to whom they made the concession is manipulating them and that is wrong and unhealthy and they should dump them. I think that really confuses people. Our own priorities change naturally over time and with maturity and experience, but we certainly have the capability to be flexible and make decisions to change our own agenda without it seeming like a manipulation or incurring resentment because of faulty advice. A bone of contention does not have to equal a break up.
VirginiaBob Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 My ex would always threaten to leave me if I didn't open my wallet to her, if I disagreed with her views that she thought her kids (from a previous marriage) should go to private school, if I went to a different church, if I didn't remodel her house, if I didn't pick up her kids after school, if I didn't agree with subsidizing her mom's lifestyle, etc, etc. etc. What was I thinking? Love is blind.
quankanne Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 flexibility is the key. And knowing to carefully choose what things you're going to stand your ground. some things just aren't negotiable, like being asked to live a certain way that you know will hurt you or the relationship (specifically thinking of cases of addiction), but everything else is fair game!
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 to be successful in a relationship.. you must strive to be co-committed. NOT co-dependent. Everyone has their own way.....you must try to meet thier needs, even though the need may not be priority for you. You cant be a taker all the time and you cant be a giver all the time. YOU must co-commit to each other to make it work.
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Our own priorities change naturally over time and with maturity and experience, but we certainly have the capability to be flexible and make decisions to change our own agenda without it seeming like a manipulation or incurring resentment because of faulty advice. A bone of contention does not have to equal a break up. exactly!!!!
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Depends how big the bone is, and if one or more parties in the relationship is an obvious moron.
moimeme Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 This, Hoke, is an 'every one for himself' world. People are urged to seek their own happiness even at the expense of others' . Everyone is out to ensure his 'rights' are respected. Sacrifice as gift has gone completely out of style. I've ranted about this, myself on occasion. Of course one party ought not do all the sacrificing, but there is not one thing wrong with sometimes giving up what you want for the sake of the other person. Maybe even doing it for a stretch of time. So long as the gesture is appreciated and not taken for granted or never reciprocated, it's healthy, IMHO. What we have now, it seems, is sets of relationships in which people have lists of demands and overweening senses of entitlement, such that if they don't get exactly what they want the way they want it when they want it, buh - bye. 1
Recommended Posts