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Do rejections from people you are not interested in bother you?

Eternal Sunshine

By Eternal Sunshine
in General Relationship Discussion

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

This is mostly for women as men get rejected differently (if they pursue someone it's a given that they are interested).

 

Say you go on a first date with someone and by the end of the date you know you are not at all interested in dating that guy. He never contacts you again. Do you still feel down/rejected? Personally, I don't care. It's my preference that guys I am not into not contact me. I also act differently when I am not interested, I don't flirt, I am not that engaged in the conversation etc to lessen the chance of me having to actually reject them. It usually works.

 

A friend of mine claims that she still feels very much rejected when that happens and she feels down about her looks, personality and so on.

 

Thoughts?

Secret Advisor Established Member

Secret Advisor

Posted
Posted

I think that most girls feel a sense of let down even when they are not interested in the guy. It's an insecurity thing and an ego thing. The difference with you is that you are showing your disinterest as a method of getting the guy to back off. So obviously with your goal accomplished, there is no reason to feel rejected because you orchestrated the rejection yourself.

  • Like 2
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

I've only been on dates from OLD with 2 guys. With the first guy, interest seemed lukewarm from both sides. I was relieved the feeling was mutual.

charlietheginger Established Member

charlietheginger

Posted
Posted

You should have shown more interest...

 

I decided to date hotside what people call " attractive "

 

I had coffee with a woman that is what society might call

mousey ugly unattractive. On the second date with talked about

Andy Warhol the pop icon soup can picture , rembrants magpie and shaggy

night and a few other artist. We had awsome talk about new Orleans the

French colonial Victorian gothic revival styled architecture .

she wanted to show me her photography and paintings. As we talked

her eyes glowed her smile got bigger. this was no game no act it was

genuine interest in each other and suddenly this woman became one

of the most beautiful women I ever met. I don't kiss and tell incase

she is on this forum because I think she is after I told her

about it but the companionship is great although were not exclusive

mainly because I like being single but I could call her and

goto the artwalk this weekend and she would be all for it....

 

had I dismissed this woman at first sight I would have missed

out on knowing a great person

  • Like 2
nomadic_butterfly Established Member

nomadic_butterfly

Posted
Posted
This is mostly for women as men get rejected differently (if they pursue someone it's a given that they are interested).

 

Say you go on a first date with someone and by the end of the date you know you are not at all interested in dating that guy. He never contacts you again. Do you still feel down/rejected? Personally, I don't care. It's my preference that guys I am not into not contact me. I also act differently when I am not interested, I don't flirt, I am not that engaged in the conversation etc to lessen the chance of me having to actually reject them. It usually works.

 

A friend of mine claims that she still feels very much rejected when that happens and she feels down about her looks, personality and so on.

 

Thoughts?

 

Lol...wont bat an eye or lose a minute of sleep. I'm generally pragmatic so if it aint there I just move on to the next one. Logically, why would it matter? Unless one is egotistical and wants to be completely "in control" of the situation, being desired just for the sake of it. Who cares if someone you don't vibe with, can see a future with and/or are not attracted to requites the feeling? That's inane..

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charlietheginger Established Member

charlietheginger

Posted
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Can't edit my post... I ment monets magpie rembrants starry night

InnocentMan Established Member

InnocentMan

Posted
Posted
Can't edit my post... I ment monets magpie rembrants starry night

 

Ah, your post makes sense now.

  • Like 2
Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've noticed over the years talking to women about dating is that they typically dislike the feeling of being "rejected" regardless of whether or not they were that interested in the guy...because they still tend to ask or feel "well why wasn't I good enough? what was wrong with me that he wasn't interested and didn't pursue me? Does he think he's better than me!" it plays on their self-esteem, then they can feel like "No, this guy has to want me and I'll break up with him..but he's not going to reject me, screw him"

 

So for some women this is without a doubt true, so if you want to break up with a woman or stop seeing a woman IMO as a man and don't want to be like "Hey, I don't want to see you anymore" and hurt her feelings or do the disappearing act like many guys do...just act really interested, clingy and available and it should work like a charm, never just act disinterested and unavailable as a man.

 

Women seem to move on much quicker and painlessly when they do the rejecting, but when they're being rejected it can be a blow to their ego and it can compound on her self-esteem which can already be quite low depending on the person...no matter who he is...that fact that someone that "low" on her list chose to "reject her" just makes her feel all the less worthy, how's mr hot pants supposed to want her if this guy doesn't.

Edited by Ninjainpajamas
  • Like 2
Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

Posted
Posted
This is mostly for women as men get rejected differently (if they pursue someone it's a given that they are interested).

I'm fascinated in this statement. Did you just imply that if a woman pursues someone, it's NOT a given that she is interested? Can you amplify that statement a little bit?

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

I only had dates with two men from OLD, one I liked and we went out for a while, the other I didn't, he texted me but I blew him off.

 

Otherwise I've never been on a date with a man I didn't like already. As for relationships, when there is conflict and I know about 4-6 weeks in that I don't want the guy, I would feel relief if they just faded but they don't. An example is an ex I went out with 2 years ago. He really annoyed me at the end, the sex was bad, he was an idiot, etc. He went away for a month and I didn't try to contact him, not even when there was an earthquake in that area (I knew he was fine anyway). I thought that would be a clue but no, when he came back he got in touch so I had to tell him to let it be.

 

So yes, when I'm not into a guy, I would prefer him to disappear rather than have me spell it out.

  • Like 1
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
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Haha.

 

My self esteem, admittedly, is not sky high!

 

However, I DID appreciate it when a guy I went on 2 dates with "got it" that I just wasn't into him in that way...

 

He was nice, I did like him a lot as a person! I just didn't feel chemistry. He tried to kiss me date two; I shut him down.

 

He got the message but we still met up again as friends. He is cool.

 

I was relieved that he took a hint. I was not rude at all - he could just sense that I had someone else on my mind, whom I actually had good chemistry with.

regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

Posted
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I will feel happy it's mutual actually!

I tend to feel guilty when someone likes me but I don't like him back.

  • Like 2
EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

Posted
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Nope not in the slightest.

 

Usually a big freakin relief that I don't have to dodge their calls/texts or somehow think up some reason for ditching them that doesn't involve me telling them what I really think of them.

  • Like 5
Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
Posted

If i'm not into him then it's not a rejection lol

Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
Posted

 

My self esteem, admittedly, is not sky high!

 

 

I've seen time and again that you mention you're not very confident, dont' like your nose etc etc.

 

Girl, you are FABULOUS. Why? Because you say so. No nose is gonna dictate how awesome you are, and by your picture, you could have a deformed or gianormous nose and it wouldn't ugly you in the slightest.

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted
This is mostly for women as men get rejected differently (if they pursue someone it's a given that they are interested).

 

Say you go on a first date with someone and by the end of the date you know you are not at all interested in dating that guy. He never contacts you again. Do you still feel down/rejected? Personally, I don't care. It's my preference that guys I am not into not contact me. I also act differently when I am not interested, I don't flirt, I am not that engaged in the conversation etc to lessen the chance of me having to actually reject them. It usually works.

 

A friend of mine claims that she still feels very much rejected when that happens and she feels down about her looks, personality and so on.

 

Thoughts?

 

Most of the time it is a relief and I don't consider it rejection.

 

However, I did have an ego slam on new years eve. I met a man who was not interested and I doubt I would have had a relationship with him, but it wouldn't hurt to have someone to do things with. In the end, his shyness, disinterest was downright rude.

 

I remember thinking, "Sunshine, you may THINK you can do better than me, but you definitely can't..."

 

So that rejection did bother me, but it was more of an ego bother than an emotional one.

acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

Posted
Posted

No, I'm happy! Means neither of us is sad it can't go any further. Just proves that the lack of chemistry was palpable from both sides. I presume if I'm not getting sparks from him he isn't getting them from me neither but I'm always amazed at the number of guys who seem to have had an amazing night and ask me out again when I'm like... that was terrible :\

  • Like 1
Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

Posted
Posted
Most of the time it is a relief and I don't consider it rejection.

 

However, I did have an ego slam on new years eve. I met a man who was not interested and I doubt I would have had a relationship with him, but it wouldn't hurt to have someone to do things with. In the end, his shyness, disinterest was downright rude.

 

I remember thinking, "Sunshine, you may THINK you can do better than me, but you definitely can't..."

 

So that rejection did bother me, but it was more of an ego bother than an emotional one.

What do you suppose differentiates that experience from ones in which you find it a relief? I have my ideas, but I wonder if you have given that any thought.

devilish innocent Established Member

devilish innocent

Posted
Posted

It never bothered me when I was dating. I knew I was quite picky about who I wanted to continue seeing so I expected guys to be the same way. I didn't see a reason to take it personally.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
This is mostly for women as men get rejected differently (if they pursue someone it's a given that they are interested).

 

Say you go on a first date with someone and by the end of the date you know you are not at all interested in dating that guy. He never contacts you again. Do you still feel down/rejected? Personally, I don't care. It's my preference that guys I am not into not contact me. I also act differently when I am not interested, I don't flirt, I am not that engaged in the conversation etc to lessen the chance of me having to actually reject them. It usually works.

 

A friend of mine claims that she still feels very much rejected when that happens and she feels down about her looks, personality and so on.

 

Thoughts?

 

I can understand how it may be a blow to your ego like "Well darn, I don't want you but am I not fabulous, you should like me darn it!" :laugh: However, I think it's dangerous to be the kind of person who puts so much weight into your worth based on whether or not someone wants to date you.

 

Like you, if I am on a date and I am not feeling it, I prefer for it to be mutual and prefer if neither of us contacts the other without a word. If I don't like them and they never call me again I'm relieved and I don't worry about why they don't. I suppose it would feel more "ouch" if they actually verbalized it like sent an email saying "Thanks but I don't want to see you again" or something...I would actually prefer in the mutual cases for us both to just fade off.

tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted

Can't say I've ever been rejected after a first date.

 

But what I find annoying, are men who without dating or much interaction, feel the need to tell you that you're not their type, even though you weren't interested in the first place.

 

The annoyance isn't because of a hit to self-esteem. It would take a lot more than crassness to affect my self-esteem. It's the rudeness and assumption that their preferences matter to me. Honestly, were you born and raised in a barn?

  • Like 3
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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Can't say I've ever been rejected after a first date.

 

But what I find annoying, are men who without dating or much interaction, feel the need to tell you that you're not their type, even though you weren't interested in the first place.

 

The annoyance isn't because of a hit to self-esteem. It would take a lot more than crassness to affect my self-esteem. It's the rudeness and assumption that their preferences matter to me. Honestly, were you born and raised in a barn?

 

Maybe they were negging you?

 

A while back, I was eating lunch at a cafe alone and some guy came up to me and asked me if he can join me. I was OK with it and after he sat down, he proceeded to tell me how he sees me as a sister because I am not his type. I mean WTF. He needed to approach me to tell me that?

 

He later gave me his number and asked me to call him if I want a date. I concluded that he was doing some PUA routine and his number went straight to the trash can.

kodakgirl Established Member

kodakgirl

Posted
Posted

I've only had it happen once-- I've only met up with a couple guys from online dating, because I only want to if I feel pretty interested already, but I thought I should try to be more open-minded, so I agreed to meet up with this one guy who seemed a pretty good fit on paper and in our correspondence but somehow didn't really interest me. It was totally decent, we got along well, had things to talk about, he was pretty cute, but I still just didn't feel anything between us. Still he asked me if I wanted to go out again and I had no reason not to, so I agreed. Anyway the second date was the same-- totally decent, but just no chemistry. Neither of us mentioned meeting again and neither of us contacted each other (we split the bill, or else I would still have texted a thank you, if he'd paid).

 

It didn't bother me in the slightest. I don't know why he wasn't into me-- I was cute and charming etc etc. But I wasn't into him either, so really it doesn't matter. Maybe he was as aware as I was that whatever 'spark' is, th combination of our personalities didn't create it. Maybe he just thought I was weird. Whatever it was, he felt I wasn't the right girl for him, and I agree, so case closed. We tried it out, didn't work, no loss. It's a relief, honestly... I really, really hate when a guy I don't care for really likes me, I feel awful. I hope any future lacks of interest on my part are reciprocated!

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted
What do you suppose differentiates that experience from ones in which you find it a relief? I have my ideas, but I wonder if you have given that any thought.

 

It was the overall rudeness. He was asked to come to the party to meet me. He wasn't forced, but knew his cousin wanted to introduce us.

 

If I truly believed it was shyness, I could excuse it.

 

But, he took one look at me and it was evident he wasn't interested. Neither was I, but I could still be pleasant and attempt to make conversation.

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