charlieoz Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Hi, this is my first post on a forum like this. I am in a very tough situation and looking for any advice. My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We are both nearly 25 and were not living together. Things had been going quite well prior to the break-up. We were talking about eventually moving in together etc. However admittedly there was some pressure on the relationship for around three months due to outside forces (conflicting work hours and a disastrous new housemate of mine who parties every weekend - hence she would not stay over). She still lives at home however we had been house-sitting for a month, which I saw as a good trial to test our compatibility for the future. The major problems started when she told me that she would not be staying over a few nights of the week as she had to get up early for work the following days, I was angered/confused by this and took it personally instead of understanding her reasoning. We had a fight which she couldn't quite get over. In the ensuing weeks she became progressively more distant and the more I tried to pull her closer, the worse this became (understandably). I was seeing everything she did as a sign and became needy. We had some discussions about this but it just seemed to confuse her more. Eventually she sat me down and said "what are we going to do?", I had no answer. She followed with the classic, "I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you". Since the event I have seen how my behaviour pushed her away. I was putting the responsibility for my happiness on her shoulders and she could not cope with the burden of my expectation. I explained this to her 4 days after the break and have since been largely non-contact. I have remained positive and upbeat the few times she has contacted me and have not once pleaded, begged or tried to reason with her in any way. I sent her a letter which she will receive tomorrow thanking her for the relationship, saying "I think I forgot to love myself" and that I am optimistic for my future. I have since been going to the gym, buying new clothes, reading a lot, generally getting my life together. I have spoken to her family who are devastated and stopped short of saying that they wanted us to get back together. They thought that things "were going so well" and "think the world of me". She has always been one to care what her family thinks - she contacted me after this to say thanks, "liked" something I posted on fb and messaged me the next morning asking if she could come around that night with my things. I have told her that I have been too busy so far (as I do not want to talk to her when my emotions are driving me). I plan get the things from her in the next week, and perhaps chat. I feel I am largely doing the right things at the moment. Given the situation, I feel that she has made a mistake, I'm wondering if I should continue the NC or try to reach out. I am not sure that she knows how keen I am to make things work - I feel that it is a huge shame to lose her. Is there hope or should I just move on? I know that there is loss of attraction however I feel that this is very retrievable - especially given the NC. I have read GIGS and LoA threads and saved them. I know this is a long thread. I feel very stuck/helpless. Any help/thoughts would be awesome..
notthathard Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I'd say to give the relationship up for a bit. She may come back, she may not. At this point I know the only thing you want is to have the relationship back on the cards. By you staying in contact (letters, calls, Facebook) you are giving her no time to miss you. The memories she has probably are not the best, the good memories will be remembered later. Put yourself in her shoes.. if you want out of a relationship and the person you left just keeps trying it would push you away further. Attraction just doesnt work like that. Forget about the family thing, you were in a relationship with her not her family. They wont help.
Author charlieoz Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Thanks notthathard. I intend on following through with the NC and understand the push/pull concept. I just don't want her to think that I have no interest in correcting my wrongs. The letter is upbeat and positive. No sign of desperation or neediness at all. In saying that it's not too late to get it sent back before she sees it. Am I shooting myself in the foot?
notthathard Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 No probs. I can only speak from my own experience. The letter that I sent to an ex I wish held off for a bit. It also had no sign of desperation or neediness. I would suggest you get the letter back if you can, wait a bit (1 month at least) then read it again, then see if you REALLY want to send it. It's only been 3 weeks so your still pretty fresh out of the breakup and although at the moment you think the letter is good, after a few weeks your thoughts might change. You may want to write something different or not send a letter at all. Not much will change in 1 or 2 months unless she is quick to grab someone else, and even if she does that's probably what she is going to do anyway and a letter wont stop that.
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