My first post and a lifetime of losses and loneliness

[SoulTears]

Hello LoveShack people. I am brand new here, and I found this site because I am exhausted from trying to find love and have a history of being jerked around by bad relationships most of my life. I will ask specific questions later in future posts and will be reading posts from others here in order to get some insight.

 

I am a mature lady and have been divorced three times. My first husband was an emotional abuser and controller, second was a drunk, third was emotionally unavailable, yet I loved him and we were together for 18 years. He left me for another woman suddenly during my second battle with breast cancer.

 

I have been divorced for 11 years. During that time I had a 7-year relationship with a man who just wouldn't commit. Then I discovered he had a very long-term serious addiction to online fetish porn and he became violent, and I ended the relationship. I then had a 1-year turbulent relationship with a man who had a brain injury and I discovered he had multiple personality disorder (which it is now called "Dissociative Disorder"). Last summer I had a 4-month relationship with a fellow musician which started out wonderfully, but he became verbally and emotionally abusive and I suspect that he is not only mentally ill, but is possibly gay. I feel I have suffered much emotional trauma.

 

I am a good, loving, honest and faithful woman. I am funny, giving, talented, and educated. I lost my shirt in my divorce and lost my house last year. As you see, I have suffered many losses over the past 10 years.

 

I just want to love and be loved.... and to find my one true love to share my life with. I am lonely beyond belief now and afraid of starting over again. Yes, I have attracted losers and men with problems. I want to break that mold. Attracting men has not been my problem. Attracting the wrong ones is my problem.

 

Thank you all for listening and reading, and I hope to find new friends here and people I can learn from and share insight. Please help me find the way to begin.

[Philosoraptor]

We all go through troublesome times and it both builds character and helps mold us into strong individuals.

 

Why do you feel you are attracting these types of men? Where are you finding these men? And what type of man is it that you are hoping to attract?

[SoulTears]

Why do you feel you are attracting these types of men? Where are you finding these men? And what type of man is it that you are hoping to attract?

 

I think my being a musician has had a factor in my attracting wrong men in some way. Fellow musicians have not made the best partners for me, and also gives me exposure to people in clubs and bars. Again, not the best place to meet a good mate. But it is difficult when these are the men you are around often and get to meet.

 

My third husband was not a musician, and we met at our workplace at my day job. I had a 7-year relationship was met through a dating site. But he was a musician.

 

Maybe I settle initially for less at the beginning. Maybe my self-respect is low. Maybe I tolerate behavior that I shouldn't until I cannot anymore. Maybe I am attracted to the familiar. My father was a controlling, angry, violent and unpredictable man. I've spent a lifetime trying to break the pattern. And each time, the man turns out to be such a disappointment and I end up heartbroken and devastated.

 

I am good natured, kind, loving, gentle, giving (maybe too much so), no drama woman. I have a pattern of selfish men. At least I am recognizing it early on now and getting out.

 

Yes, I am lonely. Yes, I take care of myself and do everything I can to have a rich, full life on my own... but a big part is missing. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want a companion. I want a man who wants to touch and be touched, loves to talk to me and loves to listen. Emotionally available and wants to share his life, his family, his hopes and dreams with me. I want what I've never had. The missing part, a man to share my life with. To be my equal partner in every way. Am I missing something? Am I being unrealistic?

Edited January 23, 2014 by SoulTears

[Babolat]

Hello LoveShack people. I am brand new here, and I found this site because I am exhausted from trying to find love and have a history of being jerked around by bad relationships most of my life. I will ask specific questions later in future posts and will be reading posts from others here in order to get some insight.

 

I am a mature lady and have been divorced three times. My first husband was an emotional abuser and controller, second was a drunk, third was emotionally unavailable, yet I loved him and we were together for 18 years. He left me for another woman suddenly during my second battle with breast cancer.

 

I have been divorced for 11 years. During that time I had a 7-year relationship with a man who just wouldn't commit. Then I discovered he had a very long-term serious addiction to online fetish porn and he became violent, and I ended the relationship. I then had a 1-year turbulent relationship with a man who had a brain injury and I discovered he had multiple personality disorder (which it is now called "Dissociative Disorder"). Last summer I had a 4-month relationship with a fellow musician which started out wonderfully, but he became verbally and emotionally abusive and I suspect that he is not only mentally ill, but is possibly gay. I feel I have suffered much emotional trauma.

 

I am a good, loving, honest and faithful woman. I am funny, giving, talented, and educated. I lost my shirt in my divorce and lost my house last year. As you see, I have suffered many losses over the past 10 years.

 

I just want to love and be loved.... and to find my one true love to share my life with. I am lonely beyond belief now and afraid of starting over again. Yes, I have attracted losers and men with problems. I want to break that mold. Attracting men has not been my problem. Attracting the wrong ones is my problem.

 

Thank you all for listening and reading, and I hope to find new friends here and people I can learn from and share insight. Please help me find the way to begin.

 

Research Codependency; you've got it, work on it, work on you.

[Eau Claire]

You obviously have some issue...attracted to the mentally ill, controllers, abusers, etc. Anyone can have a poor relationship but as we mature, our social skills should also be maturing.

 

It may be associated with musicians....but then after all your experience you date another musician and you claim he was abusive. Why are you attracted to losers? If it wasn't musicians it would be some other undesirable group of fellows. Do you live a healthy lifestyle...avoid association with guys who abuse alcohol, use drugs, etc.?

 

You need to change your social situation and at the same time try and understand why you are attracted to self destructive relationships.

[Emilia]

Yes, I have attracted losers and men with problems. I want to break that mold. Attracting men has not been my problem. Attracting the wrong ones is my problem.

 

Thank you all for listening and reading, and I hope to find new friends here and people I can learn from and share insight. Please help me find the way to begin.

Welcome to Loveshack!

 

It appears you form codependent relationships with abusers and addicts trying to fix them, putting their needs first before your own, working hard for relationships with men who aren't able to give you anything in return.

 

What is your family history OP? Are there alcoholics in your background somewhere? Are your parents divorced/in a difficult marriage?

[Emilia]

I want to be loved unconditionally.

I've just seen this. This could be the main issue. Loving unconditionally isn't a good thing, as you are finding it out for yourself. That would mean loving a man who threatens your child or who kills or rapes someone or who beats you, abuses you, treats you badly. You need to accept that the other person has to deserve your love and vica versa. You can't keep on loving regardless who and what he is.

[Lokie]

SoulTears, I know you are in a vulnerable state, and I hope you are really open to honest feedback since you wrote to us here.

 

When I read your post, I hear you strongly presenting yourself as a victim. You state the problems with each of your previous partners, yet you only lightly elude to the fact that you may be playing a part in your own choices in men.

 

When we feel like a victim, we tend to draw more users to us whether we know it or not. When we feel like happy, empowered women, we draw more healthy people towards us. We play a very strong role in our own happiness in relationships. This is YOUR work now.

 

I strongly urge you to build a loving, respectful relationship with yourself now. Put men on hold. Once you learn to really love and honor yourself, your choices will change and you will attract different people.

 

I speak from experience. I spent 6 years with a relapsing crack addict. I stayed with him because I would have wanted someone to stay with me if I were in his shoes. Once he finally got sober, he left me for someone he felt was more attractive, I believe. After that relationship ended, I saw that many of my previous relationships had the same flavor. I endeavored to work on myself before I entered another romantic relationship. Last summer, a lovely, sexy man and I had a fling. I wanted more, he didn't. Instead of hanging on to that, I walked away - and trust me, I was hooked and wanted more of him for sure - but by then, I wanted more for myself first and foremost.

 

My best to you,

L.

[SoulTears]

I've just seen this. This could be the main issue. Loving unconditionally isn't a good thing, as you are finding it out for yourself. That would mean loving a man who threatens your child or who kills or rapes someone or who beats you, abuses you, treats you badly. You need to accept that the other person has to deserve your love and vica versa. You can't keep on loving regardless who and what he is.

 

Of course I could never tolerate or stay in a relationship as you describe above. That wasn't what I meant by "unconditional" love. I base that as the conditions that my ex-husband put on our marriage. I became ill with cancer and he left me for another woman during my treatment. A man who loves and stands by me, regardless of illness, and I him. That was what I meant by that.

 

I do not associate with known drug users or addicts. There was no alcoholism or drug use in my family of origin. I didn't grow up in that kind of environment. However, my father had a brain injury in WWII, which resulted in his sometimes erratic behavior. And my mother stayed with him all these years... She shut down emotionally to keep the family together, regardless of how he acted out. She was the consummate co-dependent.

 

Lokie.... I think you hit the nail on the head. I am in "loss" mode right now, feeling horribly alone and sorry for myself, full of regrets and losses. My beloved cat died in my arms on Christmas Eve. That didn't help my condition. I cry all the time. I hate my life... I love my music, my only solace. I live in a new town where I know nobody. I can't seem to meet people and make new friends here. I feel shell-shocked and hopeless.

 

Thank you Lokie for you helpful insight. hugs..

[mea_M]

Of course we all want to be loved and give love. The best way to accomplish this is by taking a deep look inside. Because we need to love ourself before we can truly love another. Or for that matter, have someone love us. It seems you have attracted men that are less then desirable abusers and such. Perhaps if you can identify why you've attracted them it may help to avoid them in the future. I'm sorry for what you encounterd. Truth is, we all have battles in life so you are certainly not alone. Keep sharing. And look within. Best wishes.

 

Mea

[Lady2163]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Until about 12 years ago, I was a bum, loser, abuser, neglected magnet.

 

After last boyfriend cheated and dumped me, I had a friend who was a bartender at private club that hosted swingers and bdsm parties. I would go hang out with him. Sometimes I played with others, only a few times in the last ten years. I met plenty of dorks, losers and manipulators there as well. BUT, what was my turning point was the ability in that casual environment, to evaluate and simply say, "no thank you".

 

Men had not-so-politely been doing it to me for years. I felt like I was actually making a choice. It was powerful to be in a position to say no.

 

It carried over into my regular life. If I'm dating a guy who says he will call and then he doesn't, guess what? I can argue with him about it, I can get pissy or I can say, "I'm worth more than to be 'forgotten' because you want to play games." I've discovered the jerks and losers usually mess up within a month or two.

 

I had three dates with a man who was a head honcho federal prosecutor. Yet, he lived in deceased grandmas home. His computer was 10 years old. He had dial up connection. His car was in the shop for over two weeks, so I had to pick him up for dates. He probably made a really good salary, but lved in almost poverty.

 

We talked almost every night. Every night he was drinking or finished socializing from drinking. He had a group of friends that hung out at the bar a couple blocks from his house. He was in a dart league.

 

I had my suspicions, but was able to do some checking. Yup, he had no money or apparent hobbies because he was a high functioning alcoholic. I headed the other way.

 

People have told you to check out codependency. I would also encourage you to check some things out about being a victim or victim traits. I don't know what exact phrase to use, but often people who find themselves in bad relationships unknowingly send out a "victim vibe" that users and abuses pick up on. I was guilty of this.

 

I had a tendency to "mother" and try to remove stress from their life. "Oh, you can't go out tonight because you have to go to the laundrymat. Oh, let me pick up your clothes on my lunch hour and I will start a load and after work I can throw it in the dryer. Oh...you're going to hang out at the bar this afternoon? Sure I can pick you up there when we go to supper. Yes, I will bring your clean clothes with me. Well, if you want that ironed, we should probably go out to supper a little later."

 

So, he gets to hang out at the bar with the boys, gets his laundry done, gets to go out for supper (which he probably doesn't pay for) and then gets dessert. What a great, productive day he has had! And he didn't have to work for it at all.

 

I know you're a musician, you hang out in bars a lot, but not everyone is so blasé about alcohol as you might be. Everyone's normal is different. I probably wouldn't be interested in a man who drank more than 150 drinks a year. It is January 23rd. The last time I drank was two beers on New Years Eve. Before that, I had a glass of wine at a friends house...on Halloween.

 

Oh - and I'm not telling you to leap into swinging or bdsm, but I think you might be a great candidate for online dating. You may not get to always say no in person, but it can help you start the process of picking, choosing and not settling.

 

Good luck..and I hope you believe me when I say this - I truly think for you, the best is yet to be.

[Lokie]

I am in "loss" mode right now, feeling horribly alone and sorry for myself, full of regrets and losses. My beloved cat died in my arms on Christmas Eve. That didn't help my condition. I cry all the time. I hate my life... I love my music, my only solace. I live in a new town where I know nobody. I can't seem to meet people and make new friends here. I feel shell-shocked and hopeless.

 

((SoulTears)) I'm so sorry you are going through all this pain. Losing an animal is soooo hard. I can promise you that you will survive, and if you are willing to look within and do the work, you will THRIVE. You are in a very special place at this very moment to really grow from this pain.

 

That crack addict I told you about? Leaving me to find something better after I'd stuck by his sorry ass for 6 years? I lost my job and my cat died all within about 4 months. I think I felt the most pain from losing my cat! I shut down for a while and just last year was ready for dating again. And… best of all… after I said I could not withstand the loss of another animal, I finally now have a huge boy tabby sharing my apartment that I love to pieces.

 

I hope you keep posting here - we are here for you.

 

L.

[Emilia]

However, my father had a brain injury in WWII, which resulted in his sometimes erratic behavior. And my mother stayed with him all these years... She shut down emotionally to keep the family together, regardless of how he acted out. She was the consummate co-dependent.

Do you sometimes feel that relationships are there to be 'endured'?

 

I don't mean it simply working through the tough times (I'm very sorry your husband left you during such a difficult time) but more specifically, do you feel that relationships don't necessarily need to be enjoyable mostly but to be worked at regardless? Do you think you stick around for too long?

[SoulTears]

Do you sometimes feel that relationships are there to be 'endured'?

 

I don't mean it simply working through the tough times (I'm very sorry your husband left you during such a difficult time) but more specifically, do you feel that relationships don't necessarily need to be enjoyable mostly but to be worked at regardless? Do you think you stick around for too long?

 

Oh yes, Emilia. I am ashamed to admit that over the course of my relationships that I have stuck around way too long. I am making progress. My marriage I stuck around for 18 years. The next relationship was 7 years. The following one was 1-1/2 years. The last one was a little over 3 months. The last three relationships were ones in which I called it quits. I have learned the hard way what I DON'T WANT in a relationship and I have learned how to say no and to leave when it is not working for me. I feel I am getting better. I owe that to a good therapist, good friends and a little pat on the back to myself.

[Emilia]

Oh yes, Emilia. I am ashamed to admit that over the course of my relationships that I have stuck around way too long. I am making progress. My marriage I stuck around for 18 years. The next relationship was 7 years. The following one was 1-1/2 years. The last one was a little over 3 months. The last three relationships were ones in which I called it quits. I have learned the hard way what I DON'T WANT in a relationship and I have learned how to say no and to leave when it is not working for me. I feel I am getting better. I owe that to a good therapist, good friends and a little pat on the back to myself.

Don't be hard on yourself. We learn a lot from our parents' dynamics and some of that is very hard to unlearn unfortunately.

 

Sounds like you are on the right path! But then most people that find Loveshack often are, that's what makes you search. Knowing that you need to make some fundamental changes.

 

My parents divorced when I was 7, my father was an alcoholic. It is very easy for me to slip into relationships with men that are weaker - or at least it used to be easy. Nowdays I'm much more mindful of that habit and have a more rational assessment of the other person. Even if I relate to their vulnerability, I focus very much on what is good for me.