Winning over a girl

[mouldy96]

Hi,

 

I'm writing to find some advice on my issue. I have been snooping around on various forums and sites, and I have been thinking about the mistakes I've made. I feel though that I should mention all of the details though, as they're important.

 

Let me start with the background first of all. I had a depression for 3 years. It caused me to be isolated, and I didn't feel worthy at all. Whenever I would speak, I would often stutter and lack words. I became a shy introvert, and I found it difficult to communicate with people or make friends, mainly probably due to the fact I was a migrant, felt like an outcast in a foreign country. College made it slightly better, and I was able to overcome shyness slightly, open up and be more confident with people. I had a chance for two relationships. One worked out, but broke quite quickly. She went off with another guy, I was probably too nice.

 

I guess I just lacked certain social skills. I've been working on them lately, and I'm a little bit more open than I used to be, but still get occasional bad moods and such which drive me into anxiety. I also lack belief in my abilities. When I think positively, I can achieve quite a lot.

 

So, I started university in September. On the very first day, we had a little house party, and we chatted. You know what it's like, freshers. I was new to the entire halls thing, and I was quite overwhelmed by the entire thing. New place, new people. So I did meet them, and then one of my flatmates came around. We introduced ourselves, had a little chat...

 

She was very open, friendly and probably interested, but I was passive and didn't notice this. I was polite and we did talk for a while. I went to see my mate, while she went out to town with some other flatmates. I guess I wouldn't have made this mistake, if I wasn't so passive to her interest. I think it was caused by the fact though that I didn't want to fall for any feelings, or I didn't want to have a relationship. Perhaps I should have just taken it as a friendship.

 

Moving on, we'd see each other every other day and just chat. I'd only hint her about my worries, and she would be friendly and give me advice. "Don't think what other people make of you" she said. "Your life's too precious". I then saw her again the other day, and said I'm going to do some shopping, and asked politely whether she wants anything. She said "Wait, I'll think I might come, I need something". And it ignited the first spark in my heart. Unfortunately, luck wanted otherwise. Urgent private family issues.

 

No loss though. We then went out together after a text from her, with other flatmates. I bought her a drink, we had a picture, we danced and we laughed. It was going okay. She felt very confident, as she knew everyone at that club. We had a good night, she sent me a text "I hope you had a wicked night". I replied, the night ended. I already felt something for her, so I thought I'd buy her a box of chocolates as a thank you. It was just an excuse really to see her. I got a hug, and kind words. I clearly emphasized that I like her.

 

Two days later, I text her in the morning asking how she's doing. I didn't get a reply. As I came back from my lectures, I accidentally overheard a conversation with her friend. "I think he likes me". "Do you like him?", "I do, but I don't think about him all of the time". Five minutes later, I received a reply. It turned into a night long chat. Didn't get anywhere though, I think we we're both cautious about what we say. And it all ended in a space of two, three weeks. We kept going out, but I never had the guts to grab her. I usually have let my feelings go, and she was probably fed up of hearing "I like you" everyday. The feeling got me so strong, I couldn't stop myself from going to see her, or texting her. I didn't give her any space. She didn't refuse when I invited her for a drink over to my room though, nor for a little outing when I'd ask her "Do you want to go somewhere?". I gave her the choice obviously, and she said "Wednesday maybe? I have to do work Monday and Tuesday". It went quiet after that.

 

I guess I was too much of a 'too nice' wishy-washy, awkward at times bloke. Too much feelings, too little action or adventure. So she went for something completely on the other side of the spectrum. When I went in for the shot, to get to know where I'm standing, she said "It won't work, sorry. I was just being friendly, sorry if you got the wrong impression". I felt defeated, when she told me she's dating someone older than her by 6 years. She wanted a man, not an insecure boy. I was confused though, because she would give me clues, or at least what I thought were clues. "I think I want to settle with someone quiet". I just smiled shyly, not knowing how to react. If she was being friendly, why was I getting all these clues and flirts?

 

She would text me one night though. She used a guy on the corridor screaming as an excuse at 11pm. I felt she already made her mind up, so I was casual about it. I just got this text off her... "So strange on the corridor". I replied "Lol, I was wondering who that was :P". Few texts, and it ended. I didn't get what that could mean.

 

It ended around November time. Although I feel she has moved on, people are telling me otherwise. I guess I'm either lacking self confidence again, or they're just trying to keep me in good spirits. I'd just go "Hi, you alright?" everytime I'd see her. I didn't see her that often, we clearly distanced. But throughout these months, I tried moving on. While I could move on from previous two girls in a space of 2-3 weeks, I still cannot get over her. I keep thinking on and off, and although as cliche and naive this may sound, I think I found happiness. I would like to try and win her back.

 

I feel I can. After working out her behavior, she isn't complex... she's just another girl that is friendly, that talks and that laughs... a normal human being. I think my brain is telling me otherwise though. I am scared she isn't feeling or thinking about me anymore. And moreover, my timeframe is a little bit tight. She graduates in May, and will move on forever. I want to at least show her that I changed from a boy into a man. I clearly know what I want, but I don't know how to win her over. I want to be able to try again, to either move on, knowing I gave it everything I could, or if I'm lucky, seek a happy ending. I don't want to live on thinking about her, I have to at least try again.

 

How can I win her back over?

Edited January 22, 2014 by HighFlyerPL185

[Philosoraptor]

Look if you want to take a chance you need to go all in. Speak to her with confidence and say "Look, I'm interested in you as more than a friend. Let's go to dinner xday and see where this goes". If she says yes, great. If she says no, then move on.

 

Life is way too short to waste this kind of time on one person. It's time to man up and just see what happens. Be confident and clear. There will be no "what if's" afterwards as you will have clearly got your point across.

[mouldy96]

Look if you want to take a chance you need to go all in. Speak to her with confidence and say "Look, I'm interested in you as more than a friend. Let's go to dinner xday and see where this goes". If she says yes, great. If she says no, then move on.

 

Life is way too short to waste this kind of time on one person. It's time to man up and just see what happens. Be confident and clear. There will be no "what if's" afterwards as you will have clearly got your point across.

 

I've done that already, when she rejected me, I said to her "I really like you, and I'd like for us to be more than just friends". I was clear, but perhaps I lacked the confidence, and knocked her off with the lack of maturity at times. I want her to like me again, and perhaps then go in with my confidence act.

 

Friends told me to distance from her for some time, would you recommend this, or rather go for the confident and clear approach? I'm just scared, because I've done that, and got rejected. I'm not afraid of rejection as such, but I wouldn't like to make the same mistake again. Apparently she needs to see change in me, that I'm enjoying life. I don't know how much truth there is in this.

[Philosoraptor]

The longer you live your life in hopes that a single female will like you, the longer you will not be living for yourself. This stand is more about you gaining your own emotional and mental power back than it is about getting this girl. There are 3.5 billion women on this planet, but only so many days you live and they are ticking down.

 

You'll either get this girl or get the motivation to get her out of your system. Do not listen to your friends, playing games will just confuse and mess up your already fragile state.