curly Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Is it possible that MM lie about everything? Or just most things? It seems unbelievable that they all come from an unhappy releationship, they are not having sex at home, you are the best thing to happen to him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Why do they all say this? OK, I haven't posted in a while because, once again, I was waiting it out. He was staying in the house through the holidays just to get through. He asked me, no, pratically begged me to wait until Jan. 15 when he would move out into his own apartment. We talk every day, saw each other a lot, spent a couple of nights together, etc. I asked him over & over if he was sure he wanted to do this. He said yes. Then last Saturday night he got very drunk and called me. We had had a big fight the night before and he came over Saturday morning to try to calm me down, make me know that he was doing everything he could to let us be together. Then Sat. night we talked from 11:30pm to 2:30 am. He was arguing with me about whether or not I have been seeing anyone else. During this argument, he was yelling periodically. He was at home and evidently, his W heard. She never confronted him during her eavesdropping. Then was out all day Sunday. He came over to my house Sunday night and I told him that I think he might be busted. Monday morning, sure enough, he tells me that she ambushed him when he got home Sunday night and wanted to know who I was. She threatened to tell his (adult) kids and father about his affair. The fear he has is that everyone will basically disown him. And even if they don't do that, it will be a long time before they will forgive him and especially longer before they would ever accept me. I told him that if he really wanted to leave, this is the perfect time. Now that the truth is out. He doesn't think he can take the risk of losing his family. And according to him, she has him by the b*lls. Would a man actually deal with his wife like this? Does this scenario sound believable? And regardless, bottom line is that he told me that he would not be good for me and I should walk away. He's never run hot & cold but he has continued to advise me to walk away. However, everytime I do, he calls and begs me to come back. So, I know I must walk away from this situation. I am dying inside. It's almost too hard to breathe at this point. I need some bucking up & support. I can not think of anything but him & all the dreams we shared. Again, I've never felt like this about anyone.
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 You know what they say..."All good things must..." Friend...you KNOW he was lying to you all that time. Of course he lied about how horrible it was at home. It was the only way that he could try to justify what he had going on with you. And now the cat's out of the bag. What did he tell her when she asked who you were? Bluntly, he sounds like a jerk. And a not very bright one at that. He gets drunk, calls you while he's at home and yells at you??? LOL...not only tremendously rude and disrespectful to both you AND the wife...but damn stupid as well. I would seriously suggest that you end it now. Since the wife already knows/suspects something...maybe the best course would be to tell him to just come clean?? Or call her yourself? If he's planning on leaving her, now's the time. I hate to say it, but I doubt he was ever serious about doing that, or he would have already done so. I feel for you, but these things will always eventually come out in the open...and now he should be FORCED to make a choice and to start acting like a man. Good luck friend.
Author curly Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 He said that he told her that he loves me. She thinks he's crazy and needs to go on medication and see a therapist. He's very against that scenario. She also thinks that because I am 15 years younger than him, I pose no threat. He said she is not scared of me, however he said she has threatened to find me and come to my work place. This won't happen because she does not know who I am, doesn't know my last name, we never email, and his phone is a company cell that she could not access. There are no records of me anywhere. Plus, I work in a very secure place with 2 forms of security to get through before she could even find me within the office. Anyway, I'm not sure I believe this scenario actually happened. It's just so convenient. But I feel so horrible. I feel so abandoned and used. He threw me under the bus again. And I know it's for the best and all that. It just doesn't help me get through the day, the next 10 minutes, etc. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Then quit taking this crap from him!! Instead of letting him treat you this way, LEAVE HIM!! Why stay with someone that you could even suspect of telling you something like this was going on if it wasn't true?? Curly, you KNOW you're better than this. You DESERVE better than this. Instead of waiting for him to eventually, someday, MAYBE make a decision that you've got like a 50/50 chance of coming out on top of....YOU start making the decisions!! Don't take this kind of stuff! You may think he loves you...but he's darn sure not treating you like he does, now is he??? I know it sounds horrible, but it seems to me that this is the time for you to go get what YOU deserve...and it's got to be a darn site better than this!!! The worst that could happen is that you end up alone...for a while. But how long can it be?? You've got a lot going for you...so why sit here and settle for this??? So you end up alone for a while...you won't be going through this kind of BS treatment from someone at least. And then you've got the chance to find the person you're SUPPOSED to be with. It can't be him...look at all the indicators that he's not the one for you....he's a jerk, he's inconsiderate, manipulating, lying, sorry SOB who is just interested in what HE gets out of your relationship. Dump this guy....and go find the person you REALLY want to be with.
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Hi Curly, You said..... bottom line is that he told me that he would not be good for me and I should walk away. He's never run hot & cold but [color=red]he has continued to advise me to walk away[/color]. Well obviously he's telling you in a round-about way that he doesn't want to be with you. (exclusively like you want him to be). I'm sorry for you but it's probably in your best interest that you don't end up with someone with such low integrity! I don't think he could get in clearer about NOT planning on being with you, living with you, ect. How much clearer do you expect him to be? I know you said he calls you each time you leave him, but you have to be the strong one and not respond, not go back to him, he is sending you away but then second guesses but of course not enough to leave his W for you. So you honestly in your heart have your answers....he probably is lying and was when he was planning on "moving in" together with you. Anyway, I'm not sure I believe this scenario actually happened. It's just so convenient. See even you see the OBVIOUS, it was time for him to LEAVE his Wife then he starts a fight with you, that eventually "gets him busted" Then he tells you to move on because basically he isn't leaving because he isn't going to "lose his family" over you....SO once again you have your answer! I'm very sorry for your pain but the best thing for YOU would be to take his request and MOVE ON and leave him in your past!
Author curly Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 All good advice. We have had no contact since Monday. And I don't intend to call him ever again. I'm not sure how sincere he was when he said he would not call me but he did promise that. I'm trying very hard to remember that I am strong and can get through this. It's just the questions running through my head. Why? I know the bit about a man will tell you anything to not have the break up scene and not admit that he's "just not into you." But I'm obsessed with knowing what really happened. I don't want to talk to the W. If he's lying about her knowing, which is possible, then I don't wish to involve myself any longer in his marriage. She should be aware that something has been going on. He has spent at least 15-20 nights over my house (all night), all weekend sometimes & definitely hundreds of hours in my company and away from his house. If she hasn't searched for the truth yet, she doesn't want to know really. Anyway, I have been through pain before. I was divorced 9 years ago and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I still love my ex-H but he is a drug user and can not step up to being a grown-up. The difficulty right now is that I have nothing going on. No kids, not even sure I want them. I'm 37 and feel like life may be passing me by while I wait for jerks to figure out their lives. Hmmmm... sounds like I may need to make some more visits to my therapist. God, I so hate therapy. It has never really helped me before. I just go to talk about me. I rarely take the advice. Very stubborn. No offense, Owl, but I'm hoping more people join in. I would love some advice on how to get over the shockwave. I'm not onto the anger yet, but I'm hoping it's coming soon.
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 I advised above as well, it seems like since like November (previous post) that you've been trying to say Goodbye to him?! What's different now? I think the best thing for you to do would be to find a single man, fall in love, have kids (providing you want them) (if this is what you think you're missing in your life). If not then work on you, decide what you're missing then go for it.....be strong this time because you DO deserve more....but if you accept less time after time after time then eventually you're lowering your expectations therefor getting what you deserve.....so chin up, and get yourself something better!
BoatingBabe Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Well Curly, you got played, as the rest of us have somewhere along the way and it hurts, hurts a lot, especially when you loved the person. First step is admitting it to yourself. Don't be in denial about his intentions, fromwhat you wrote, they are clearly obvious, he was stringing you along until "the day" happened..and then he made up this elaborate story to get out of it. He is a patholigical liar with emotional problems. Leave him, not necessary to let him make the decision for you. It hurts, I know...but we all have an inner strength to help us through this. Start a journal and write down your feelings...day by day..you will do better.
Leaf Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Okay call me crazy ro maybe I am looking at this from a different angle....BUT.. I dont know if he is "lying" to you. I think he is freaked out and scared. He needs time to figure out what the heck he is doing. I think he still shares all of those dreams with you, that he does love you. And now prolly thinks that he is going to lose everything and everyone including you. I have found that guys like to do things on their own terms... as frustrating as that is for us women, it is worth noting here. This did not happen on his terms. I am sure that while he was thinking about leaving her for you, he wanted to do so with the least amount of shock waves. Well, thats out the window now. I am sure the guilt of the whole thing has seized him and he is terrified. Only you know this person but it sounds like he is trying to protect everyone right now. If you REALLY want him, then fight for him, remind him of your dreams and let him know that you love him. If you dont really want him anymore, then make a No Contact rule and stick to it. Move on.
stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by curly She should be aware that something has been going on. He has spent at least 15-20 nights over my house (all night), all weekend sometimes & definitely hundreds of hours in my company and away from his house. If she hasn't searched for the truth yet, she doesn't want to know really. She probably doesn't want to know. Thing is, considering what's happened, they can't have a happy marriage. Some people stay in unhappy ones though because they're afraid of change. The difficulty right now is that I have nothing going on. No kids, not even sure I want them. I'm 37 and feel like life may be passing me by while I wait for jerks to figure out their lives. Hmmmm... sounds like I may need to make some more visits to my therapist. God, I so hate therapy. It has never really helped me before. I just go to talk about me. I rarely take the advice. Very stubborn. You're not alone. I'm in the same shoes--and even a little bit older. I feel the same way you do. Therapy doesn't help me because all they do is listen---I never find ones who give advice ---they feel being a sounding board is enough.
stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Barby I think the best thing for you to do would be to find a single man, fall in love, have kids (providing you want them) (if this is what you think you're missing in your life). No offense but have you been out in the single world lately????
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Yes actually I have, what are you trying to say.....? You think there are no single men available or none "worthy" of you or something? Maybe if you can't find a decent SINGLE guy it's because you're looking in all the wrong places...?!?! In my area anyway there are several really nice SINGLE men.
stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf I have found that guys like to do things on their own terms... as frustrating as that is for us women, it is worth noting here. This did not happen on his terms. I am sure that while he was thinking about leaving her for you, he wanted to do so with the least amount of shock waves. Well, thats out the window now. I am sure the guilt of the whole thing has seized him and he is terrified. And you'll notice the key here is....."it's all about HIM......." Seems time and time again I see this. It's what is going to benefit THEM. They don't care how their actions impact others---only to the degree that it will cause them problems. Meaning he probably doesn't care about hurting his wife---he may act like it, but it's more the fact that he fears what she'll do in retaliation (what it will mean to HIM). They only see things in terms of how it will affect THEM----they don't care how it's affecting others.
quankanne Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 you ever heard the saying "shxt or get off the pot"? well, it sounds like he's finally at that point where he's got to choose and he's doing whatever he can to keep the status quo. Meaning, keep his lover, keep his wife and let things stay just the way they are so that he doesn't have to make a commitment to anyone's needs but his own. frankly, it's frustrating to read all these OW posts, about women upset because their married lover won't choose them, or worse, convinced that things are going to work out with them when they know in all honesty it doesn't often happen that way. A huge part of me wants to scream, "wake up and smell the coffee honey, he's not going to buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free ... from at least two different sources." but sanity kicks back in, telling me that although y'alls solution appears to be a no-brainer, I'm not the one being needlessly made to suffer. Your pain is real, no matter what kind of half-truths he shares about his marriage or y'alls relationship. YOU are the ones making the ultimate sacrifice, letting your lives pass you by for some guy who doesn't have the cajones to at least come to you freely. YOU are the ones who lose every time he lets the opportunity to make a clean break from his wife/girlfriend slip by. YOU are the ones who have to learn the hard way that as long as you stay with him and he remains otherwise committed, your life can never get better than the situation you're in ... and I feel for you, because no one deserved to be treated shoddily like that Curly, I sincerely hope that you find within yourself the courage and determination to boot the bastard from your life, to just turn and walk away, because I think you've earned something much better than what he can ever hope to give you. if you want a fuller version of "the truth" about his marriage, you're probably going to have to ask his wife, as she is the other party to that relationship. Chances are, she had no idea until recently that her marriage was as awful as he portrayed, and she is a victim to his selfish actions just like you have been. in reviewing this post, I realize I come off as strong, even snide, but that's not really my intention – it just makes me see red to see people get used and they don't realize it.
stormywind Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Yes actually I have, what are you trying to say.....? You think there are no single men available or none "worthy" of you or something? Maybe if you can't find a decent SINGLE guy it's because you're looking in all the wrong places...?!?! In my area anyway there are several really nice SINGLE men. I was basing it on my experience and with other women I know in my location and age group.
Merin Posted January 12, 2005 Posted January 12, 2005 How long are YOU willing to wait for this guy to get it together? How often has he told you to "just be patient"? Now he is worried about what HE will lose in leaving... well, uh.. what about loosing you? It seems more important to him that he not lose his wife, not lose his kids, not lose his other family, and not lose the "Persona" he has put out there for the rest of the world to see... What about YOU?
Author curly Posted January 12, 2005 Author Posted January 12, 2005 To Quankanne - thanks for the "tough love." I actually feel a bit better after speaking to a friend on the phone who has heard all the stories. To be honest, it really hit home when she said that I have been the dope the entire time. I believed his lies even when I've caught him in them. He's not that good a liar. She and my other friend were talking to each other and wondering what he would do to stop the Jan. 15 deadline. I just don't get why he would continue with a specific date. It just puts more pressure on himself. Anyway, once they heard the story that his wife "overheard" him, they knew this is what his plan was. He has no intention of leaving. Why should he, I've taken him back everytime. I've proven that I'm the pushover. They also don't believe she knows. He was just a little more clever this time. I refuse to be the pushover anymore. I guess I found some of the anger (well deserved). Merin thanks for your input as well. I have had this argument with him that he doesn't want to be the "heavy." He wants to keep his facade to the world the same. He agrees with that. I just need to keep "smelling the coffee." It's funny. After all the conversations and soul baring that occurs between the MM & OW, he does tell her exactly what kind of man he is. She just has to read between the lines and become the most insightful person. People are not that hard to figure out. They are motivated by comfort. In it's simplest terms. Food, love shelter, companionship, sex, money, etc. It's all comfort. A MM must be very comfortable with his situation. A W who cooks, cleans, shares his time, shares the responsiblities, raises the kids, shares her body, etc. And then a lover who adores him, worships him, thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, has mad, crazy passion for him. Quite a deal for them. That sounds like quite a comfy situation. Of course, there are the lies, but once you get the hang of it, it can't be that hard. I thank everyone for their input. It's really been helpful. It got me through the work day (hard time as we all know). That's when we would talk the most. Don't stop the posting.
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