Arrow Sanctuary Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Hi all, First time post but have been reading the forum a while and have gained a lot from the wisdom of other posters. I would be interested to hear people's takes on my current situation. Basically I met a girl over a year ago and we became fast friends. We got on really well, our personalities complemented one another perfectly. Initially the feelings did not extend beyond friendship but in July last year we went out together, got drunk and ended up in bed. We continued like this for awhile, kind of like a friends-with-benefits thing. At the time I had been casually dating a couple of people but as time wore on I realised that anything I did with another girl I would much rather have been doing with her so I let everything else go. As time went on we became closer and closer and it felt more and more like a relationship. The thing is, because we were already best friends it just worked so well. We would do a lot together and never get bored of each others company, we shared a lot of interests, and we never fought or argued. It was just really really good fun. In a previous relationship I had been in love from the start, when you just fall head-over-heels in love with no rationality whatsoever. That relationship was so up and down, and so turbulent and occasionally destructive that I had to end it. This latest one though felt so healthy, so easy, so uncomplicated.. and it just made sense. We weren't in love initially but the relationship was definitely evolving. She went away on holiday in Oct and we missed each other a lot. There was definite shift and by November we were definitely an official couple. Things were going really well and I could feel myself falling in love and I was sure she was the same. Anyway, I was also aware that as things were getting serious we would need to have a talk about the future at some point - our future prospects etc. particularly given that we both are newcomers in this city / country (I'm Irish, she's Portuguese) and may well leave after a few years. As it was coming up to xmas I decided in my head I wouldn't bring it up until the new year. I didn't expect the talk to go badly but just in case it did, I wouldn't have wanted to part on bad terms when we went back to our respective countries for xmas. Anyway, things seemed ok over xmas, we texted a lot, although she did text me less towards the end. When she came back to London she was different... Or maybe indifferent is the word. She was homesick, she seemed uncomfortable around me.. I didn't make a big deal of it initially and gave her space. But eventually I had to say "Look what is going on? We need to talk about this because something is obviously wrong...." So we met up and went to the pub for a drink. She basically said that she had been becoming attached and that she really didn't want to as she was afraid I would leave (she knows I have <vague> plans to travel) and that there was no point in having a relationship. She says this all dawned on her while she was back in Portugal and that she had firmly made up her mind and that she didn't feel anything strong for me anymore (I was a bit shocked by the ease which that appeared to happen!)... Anyway, I tried to reason with her, told her she was worried about things that may never happen... I tried to kiss her - it always works in the movies but **** YOU HOLLYWOOD - it didn't work... She reiterated that she wanted to be alone rather than in my company. This pissed me off, so I stood up, said bye, and walked out. I was quite upset. The next day I wrote her a long email summing up my thoughts, trying to tell her that being together was totally feasible, that we were a good couple, that I had genuinally been falling in love with her.. I said what I thought to be all the right things. She responded with an equally long email ultimately saying "thank you for everything but no" and that she really wanted us to be friends like before if that was possible. And also she urged me not to shun our mutual friends just because of her. Anyway for a couple of days I was a complete mess. I resisted the urge to contact her though. I have since read a couple of threads on here (notably the HOW TO WIN BACK A LOVED ONE superthread from thekhris. I've been employing the "no contact" for two weeks. At the weekend she texted me to ask me if I'd like to come out with her and our mutual friends. I didn't respond for a couple of hours and then politely said "Thanks but already got plans, have fun!). I did have other plans - went out clubbing and dancing and flirted and danced with lots of girls which helped me no end. I've thread some posts on here and I'm not in the "I can't live with out her" or "She is the only one in the world for me" camp. I think I am still pretty rational about it. I don't have trouble meeting girls and I know that I will be able to find a new girl if I want to. The bottom line though is, that I'd like to be with her.. She was my best friend, we have soo much fun together, and I think if I were to spend the rest of my life with her that would be a very happy life. I know she will miss me, as a friend at least. I am giving her this space in the hope that she does. I'm not going to make contact because the ball is very much in her court. She is having a party at her house this coming weekend. I think she will want me there, but I'm not planning to go, which might make her angry, but I just don't think it's a good idea. What do people think? I know the NC rule is a good rule of thumb, but when you have lots of mutual friends it might look like I'm shunning them too. Should I go to the party and just be a little indifferent, maybe subtly flirt with some other girls to gauge her reaction? A little cruel you might say, but I need to get some inkling of where her mind is at. If you've got this far, any thoughts or observations would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance x
Author Arrow Sanctuary Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Anyone have any suggestions?
fancy feast Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 If you don't feel like you can handle going to the party, don't go. Don't worry about what she thinks, or what anyone else thinks, just do what's best for you. And ffs, don't go just to "get some inkling of where her mind is at." She already told you where her mind is at. Twice.
bronzon Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Kind of in a similar situation. Ex wants me to be her friend because we were best friends. I would say do what makes you happy. If you're going to be sitting alone at home, miserable that you didn't go, then go to the party. Don't be too friendly with her, have fun with the other people instead. But honestly, make sure you're invited. Don't infringe on her personal 'safe' zone just to get the kick of having fun in front of her.
Winter blue Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 I'd say don't go. She broke up with you and expect you to be able to go back to where you were before? she must be kidding. Has she thought about how you might feel about that? obviously not. If she really cares for you she would leave you alone so you can move on from this broken relationship. Otherwise, it sounds to me as she was just trying to string you along. I'm sure she miss your company, but she rejected you for a relationship and now putting you in the friendzone after you had a close relationship. All she has cared it's her own feelings but not yours. Let this one go.
Author Arrow Sanctuary Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Thanks for the replies... When I said an inkling as to where her head is at, I meant where it's at now e.g. is she having doubts etc? Anyway I don't think I'm going to go. I'll make sure I do something that night, something fun to keep my mind elsewhere. Still can't believe this has happened!!
Author Arrow Sanctuary Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 So, in the end I did go. Her flatmate had texted me earlier to ask if I was going, and I replied and said I wouldn't. An hour later she texted me saying "I hope you are coming tonight. Please. I was just told you probably aren't... Come on...".. I left it a couple of hours and texted back saying I had other plans so I wouldn't be there but have fun. I left it really late and then turned up at about 11 / 11.30. I knew everyone there and they were super happy to see me since they thought I wouldn't be coming. She was happy to see me too, we talked and laughed a bit. There was plenty of arm touching etc. Right at the end (around 3am) she told me she had missed me and we had a bit of a heart to heart, we ended up kissing a couple of times, then she said we were just making it harder. I dunno, maybe it was stupid to kiss. Alcohol and emotion is the strongest cocktail! Since the party she has been in touch twice. The first time to ask how I was and say that I had helped her with her English so much but the way things were going she wouldn't improve much in the future (a reference to the fact that we don't see each other anymore). I didn't reply until the next day, and kept it brief, saying I was good/busy etc. The second time was to ask if I was selling my TV (I had posted on fb that I was) because her aunt is looking for one. I replied again but kept it short. It didn't seem her aunt was majorly keen.. so this was possibly an excuse to make contact? That was the last I heard from her... 9 days ago.. Now I know with regard to NC, I haven't been ignoring her completely. I have been replying but always late and always keeping it brief. For whatever reason in the last week I've had a bit of a relapse of the withdrawals. I really miss her and it's taking all my strength not to pick up the phone! But I know I have to maintain it. Eventually she'll contact me again.. The question is, what then? How long do I blow her off?
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 You do it one day at a time. Stop projecting "What if". Deal with the what it is NOW. Some people here use the term "emotional tampon". That's what you are doing for her: being there for her when she needs or wants you yet sacrificing YOUR needs and wants. I got dumped by a guy yesterday after 2 weeks because he wanted instant commitment from me. I am now giving him exactly what he wishes: the loss of my enjoyable company. Do the same. You are valuable. Right?
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