Current GF still not over her EX

[worthwhile]

Hi everyone, I'm in a bit of a rough patch at the moment and wanted some feedback.

 

I met this girl, D, over the summer. We had met about 6 months prior one weekend and really hit it off, but we live in different countries and she was dating someone at the time so nothing really happened. Last summer she got an internship near where I live and we started hanging out. Long story short we really hit it off, like whoa. I've never clicked with someone like this, I've never felt like I do when I'm around her. Wow, and she reciprocates these feelings!

 

She was still dating her BF from back home when she came down. After 2 months down here, hanging out with me semi-regularly, she ended the relationship with her BF of ~3 years to be with me for the remainder of her time in the states. We had an amazingawesomestupendous month together. During that time I was really pushing for a relationship, shushing my inner dialogue that maybe she needed some time to heal and get over her ex before moving on to a new relationship. But I kept pushing, and she reluctantly obliged.

 

I was feeling really insecure at the time, I really wanted to be with her. I had played the "kind of dating but not" game before and ended up getting burned, so I really didn't want to go down that path again. I was willing to go into a LDR with her (something I vowed never to do) because she was so amazing, and I had never clicked with anyone like I do with her.

 

Now, 6 months later (like no one saw this coming) she is really struggling with getting over her EX. I really, truly, love her, I feel comfortable saying that even after 6 mos. I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship, or if she is going to try and go back to him, but it's definitely putting some stress on us. I had been single for ~4 years before this relationship, so we are coming from two opposite ends of the spectrum. And we're in different places emotionally.

 

Overall it really sucks knowing the person you love is sometimes regretting their decision to be with you, and that they are still deeply in love with someone else. I don't know how she managed to fall in love with me while still having feelings for him. It probably had something to do with her being in a new exciting place with him not there.

 

She has been really honest with me throughout all of this, and I really appreciate that. I try my best to let her know that what she's feeling is normal and that it takes time to get over someone you truly loved. I really don't know what to do. She mentioned breaking up the other day, and getting back together until she is in a better place. I don't want that, but at the same time I don't want to force her into this, as I've already learned that lesson. I feel like she would try to go back to her BF, I really don't want to hold her back if she truly feels that way. I think we have something really special. I want to preserve it and let it grow.

 

I really don't know what to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. I really regret not being more secure and confident and just waiting to get into a relationship with her.

 

tldr: meet girl, amazing connection, really hit it off, she breaks up with bf, i push a relationship, LDR commences, she's still struggling 6 mo's later.

[shinealight]

Well you really like this girl, and she knows how you feel?

You need to know/ask her who she wants because you don't want to be waiting for her and find out she still wants to be with her ex boyfriend.

 

Tell her how you feel if you haven't already and if she does feel the same way and wants to be with you then good luck Because i will keep saying it is 2014 a new year if you really like someone do not let them go!

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I couldn't be with someone knowing that they still longed for someone else and perhaps regretted entering a relationship with me. Period. I expect more than that in a relationship. She tried to tell you she wasn't ready and you didn't listen to her. Her heart isn't yours - you're sharing it with her ex-boyfriend. Why do you not want more than that?

[mutualove]

I think you're in a rebound relationship.Especially when she jumped right out of a three year old RS into a new one.

 

Personally I never invest my heart in someone who leaves another person for somebody else.Sooner or later you're going to be that "another person".Do I even need to mention why?

[worthwhile]

Well you really like this girl, and she knows how you feel?

You need to know/ask her who she wants because you don't want to be waiting for her and find out she still wants to be with her ex boyfriend.

 

Tell her how you feel if you haven't already and if she does feel the same way and wants to be with you then good luck Because i will keep saying it is 2014 a new year if you really like someone do not let them go!

 

She knows how I feel. We have great communication and are really honest/open with each other about everything. She wants to be with me, her actions and words are evidence enough.

 

Honestly, I couldn't be with someone knowing that they still longed for someone else and perhaps regretted entering a relationship with me. Period. I expect more than that in a relationship. She tried to tell you she wasn't ready and you didn't listen to her. Her heart isn't yours - you're sharing it with her ex-boyfriend. Why do you not want more than that?

 

I do want more than that! Maybe I lack the self respect/esteem to not put myself through this. I really love her, we have such an awesome connection. I didn't know I was waiting for this until I found her.

 

Over time I know she will get over him, but I'm kind of worried this might leave us damaged beyond repair by the time that happens.

[ExpatInItaly]

She knows how I feel. We have great communication and are really honest/open with each other about everything. She wants to be with me, her actions and words are evidence enough.

 

 

 

I do want more than that! Maybe I lack the self respect/esteem to not put myself through this. I really love her, we have such an awesome connection. I didn't know I was waiting for this until I found her.

 

Over time I know she will get over him, but I'm kind of worried this might leave us damaged beyond repair by the time that happens.

 

Hm, I have to disagree there; a girl who truly wants to be with you (and only you) doesn't float the idea of breaking up. I don't mean to be harsh...but I think you're in quite a bit of denial. You said yourself that she reluctantly obliged you and entered this relationship. If you hadn't pressured her, where would she be today? I would feel pretty crappy knowing my partner didn't voluntarily accept the relationship, but maybe that's just me. Now she is openly struggling to get over her ex-boyfriend and thinking of ending things with you for a while. I think you're seeing what you want to see and feeling these amazing things that she obviously isn't feeling - and you seem to be minimizing the huge, waving red flags.

[jphcbpa]

well, you knew she was in a R when you met.

 

she never took the time to heal from that R.

 

you should not be shocked that she can bounce back an forth so easily. she could just as easily leave you like she left him.

[worthwhile]

Hm, I have to disagree there; a girl who truly wants to be with you (and only you) doesn't float the idea of breaking up. I don't mean to be harsh...but I think you're in quite a bit of denial. You said yourself that she reluctantly obliged you and entered this relationship. If you hadn't pressured her, where would she be today?

 

I probably am in denial, as I know I'm definitely not thinking straight. As for the break up idea, I think she saw how this is affecting me, and realizes how it's bull**** for me. I don't think she wants to put me through this. I'm putting myself through this more than anything else.

 

You said yourself that she reluctantly obliged you and entered this relationship. If you hadn't pressured her, where would she be today?

 

She says that she would have still broken up with him, albeit in a less rushed, more controlled manner she was more comfortable with.

 

I would feel pretty crappy knowing my partner didn't voluntarily accept the relationship, but maybe that's just me. Now she is openly struggling to get over her ex-boyfriend and thinking of ending things with you for a while. I think you're seeing what you want to see and feeling these amazing things that she obviously isn't feeling - and you seem to be minimizing the huge, waving red flags.

 

I didn't twist her arm to get into a relationship with me. She's not a dog. She is an incredibly intelligent young woman. At the beginning I told her it would be really hard for me to be around her and not be exclusive with her, given the feelings I have for her. She said she didn't want to stop seeing me or cause me any strife, so she accepted the relationship.

 

She definitely has a lot of feelings for me, I'm not going to get into the specifics. But I'm not in so much denial that I'm making up how she feels about me. We have really good communication and both of us feel comfortable talking about anything.

[worthwhile]

well, you knew she was in a R when you met.

 

she never took the time to heal from that R.

 

you should not be shocked that she can bounce back an forth so easily. she could just as easily leave you like she left him.

 

I came to terms with that a long time ago. If she finds something like what we share somewhere else, she is more than welcome to pursue it. I learned the lesson of trying to force people into things (see above) and am now dealing with the repercussions. She has admitted that what we share is something she has never felt before, and doesn't think she could find again, at least not anytime soon.

[Hopeful30]

There is nothing you can do. It's her journey.

 

In the future, never rush into a relationship ESPECIALLY if she just broke up with someone.

 

Let it happen naturally. And I know you did it because you wanted to catch her before anyone else did, but trust me that backfires.

 

My current man rushed me into a relationship too, and now we are facing things we aren't prepared to handle. And it's hurting both of us and the relationship. If he let things progress naturally, we wouldn't be here (at least I don't think so).

 

Go with the flow. My only advice is to be there for her. It's gonna be painful, but let her know she can talk to you. That way she will confide in you with her struggles and slowly transition her emotional influence from him to you.

 

If you are a friend and listen to her, and comfort her (and yes, you won't like it because its about her ex) then she will gain respect for you for being so mature and supportive about it.

 

I think that would be the first step.

[KatZee]

Honestly, I don't think she's IN love with you.

 

You had a great time in the beginning and you basically forced her into a relationship with you. You admit that she "reluctantly" agreed.

 

She didn't 100% willingly enter the relationship with you. She didn't really close the relationship she was in before getting with you, and now it's caught up to her, and to you.

 

She never had a chance to resolve any feelings, she never had a chance to be alone, to mourn/heal/move on from the past relationship.

 

You say you're insecure, and I think that's why you're so desperately clinging to a person that really isn't yours.

 

If you love her so much, let her go. Let her make a decision to either leave you and figure it out, or stay, or whatever she wants to do, but do NOT pressure her, beg her, manipulate her, convince her, make her feel sorry for you, bargain with her, say you'll wait for her, or anything like this. Just let her go.

[worthwhile]

I'd like to sincerely thank all of you for giving me advice while I try and sort through all of this. It really means a lot to me that complete strangers are willing to stop in and lend some help. Thanks!

 

There is nothing you can do. It's her journey.

 

In the future, never rush into a relationship ESPECIALLY if she just broke up with someone.

 

Let it happen naturally. And I know you did it because you wanted to catch her before anyone else did, but trust me that backfires.

 

My current man rushed me into a relationship too, and now we are facing things we aren't prepared to handle. And it's hurting both of us and the relationship. If he let things progress naturally, we wouldn't be here (at least I don't think so).

 

Yea, definitely, absolutely 100% agree. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I knew it was bad, and would have told a friend in the same situation to do the opposite of what I did. My decision to push forward with it was clouded by naivety and hopefulness and a touch of insecurity.

 

I hope you and your guy can work through the stuff you guys are dealing with. If both of you truly care about each other I don't think there's any reason why it wouldn't work out to your preference.

 

Go with the flow. My only advice is to be there for her. It's gonna be painful, but let her know she can talk to you. That way she will confide in you with her struggles and slowly transition her emotional influence from him to you.

 

If you are a friend and listen to her, and comfort her (and yes, you won't like it because its about her ex) then she will gain respect for you for being so mature and supportive about it.

 

I think that would be the first step.

 

This was my first instinct, and the same thing I told her when we were initially talking about how this would likely play out. I still stand by it, and yea it does suck hearing about it but I want to be there for her so I will do my best to not let it bother me. Hopefully we'll be closer by the end of all this.

 

Honestly, I don't think she's IN love with you.

 

Ehh agree to disagree. I don't think discussing this point is worthwhile as you haven't seen us together and only know a few details of our story. Her friends have noticed a marked difference in her happiness when we're together.

 

You had a great time in the beginning and you basically forced her into a relationship with you. You admit that she "reluctantly" agreed.

 

She didn't 100% willingly enter the relationship with you. She didn't really close the relationship she was in before getting with you, and now it's caught up to her, and to you.

 

She never had a chance to resolve any feelings, she never had a chance to be alone, to mourn/heal/move on from the past relationship.

 

You are absolutely right. This is exactly why it's awful to jump into a relationship right away, especially one you were heavily invested in. It has been a tough lesson to learn but at least I can more fervently avoid this in the future as well as speak from experience to anyone else in this situation.

 

You say you're insecure, and I think that's why you're so desperately clinging to a person that really isn't yours.

 

I wouldn't say I'm "desperately clinging". I have made progress on my insecurities since we started dating and before, but I still don't think I'm there yet.

 

She made the decision to be with me and makes that decision every single day we're together. She's not a dog. I didn't put a leash on her and drag her into the relationship zone.

 

If you love her so much, let her go. Let her make a decision to either leave you and figure it out, or stay, or whatever she wants to do, but do NOT pressure her, beg her, manipulate her, convince her, make her feel sorry for you, bargain with her, say you'll wait for her, or anything like this. Just let her go.

 

This this this a thousand times. I will definitely heed this advice. It has been tough getting to this point but I think you're exactly right. I need to respect her healing process and only be there if she needs me. I am really ashamed of myself for pushing a relationship on her, that's not the type of person I want to be and not how I want to start a relationship.