And now he is ignoring me...

[Kalinka1]

What is wrong with this picture is that he at least owes me a thank you for all the help I've given him as a friend. And I thought we were 'friends' enough not to play power-games and ignore each other etc. But if that's how he wants to end it, fine. I still don't see why you are so surprised that I expect a goodbye. I think it is extremely immature and rude to just drop off the face of the earth in our specific situation, were nobody is supposedly getting hurt by my decision as he claims he was over me (he dumped me twice, for God's sake) and I just did what I thought was best for me, and I did it in the nicest way possible.

[TXGuy]

He really wanted to stay friends, telling me what an amazing person I am etc...so I e-mailed him that I am sorry, but we can't be friends, it's just not working for me.

 

He is ignoring me completely… do you think he is acting from a place of upset or don't-give-a-****?

 

It sounds like he is respecting your wishes/request. What is the problem? You asked him to do this.

[Kalinka1]

I didn't ask him to never contact me again. I only stated that I can't be friends where we communicate every single day about every single issue and where he asks me for advice. Mind you, I gave him the advice he asked for the next day, but no reply to that.

[Allumere]

What is wrong with this picture is that he at least owes me a thank you for all the help I've given him as a friend. And I thought we were 'friends' enough not to play power-games and ignore each other etc. But if that's how he wants to end it, fine. I still don't see why you are so surprised that I expect a goodbye. I think it is extremely immature and rude to just drop off the face of the earth in our specific situation, were nobody is supposedly getting hurt by my decision as he claims he was over me (he dumped me twice, for God's sake) and I just did what I thought was best for me, and I did it in the nicest way possible.

 

He owes you nothing. Would it be respectable of him to acknowledge that he understands? Of course. But he may simply not see it that way. Here is the other thing, when you do or give something for/to anyone, whether a friend or a stranger on the street, if it given with a condition or expectation then it really isn't giving. That's hard to grasp, I fight that one all the time and have had the exact same reaction as you (different scenario). We expect people to react and respond as we would and well, they ain't us. Ask yourself, if you had never dated, would you have helped him in the same ways?

[Kalinka1]

I would have certainly helped him the same ways. I helped him a lot before we started dating, without any romantic interest involved on my part. I really believe that he is just trying to demonstrate power, because he knows how convenient and comfortable a friendship with me would have been for him, and he doesn't like it that I'm taking that away. And I just think he is being rude for doing this and that I don't deserve to be treated in this way.

[pickflicker]

What is wrong with this picture is that he at least owes me a thank you for all the help I've given him as a friend. And I thought we were 'friends' enough not to play power-games and ignore each other etc. But if that's how he wants to end it, fine. I still don't see why you are so surprised that I expect a goodbye. I think it is extremely immature and rude to just drop off the face of the earth in our specific situation, were nobody is supposedly getting hurt by my decision as he claims he was over me (he dumped me twice, for God's sake) and I just did what I thought was best for me, and I did it in the nicest way possible.

 

No, he really doesn't. A ex doesn't owe you anything. And you don't owe him anything. The world is not like that, the sooner you accept it, the easier your break ups will become. The relationship is over. No other "thank yous" or obligations are required.

[Kalinka1]

… PARTICULARLY as he is supposedly not hurt by this action as he claims to be over me big time.

[Kalinka1]

No, he really doesn't. A ex doesn't owe you anything. And you don't owe him anything. The world is not like that, the sooner you accept it, the easier your break ups will become. The relationship is over. No other "thank yous" or obligations are required.

 

I happen to disagree. I do believe that when you dump someone you owe them an explanation, you owe them the courtesy of doing it face-to-face, you owe them an acknowledgement of the mistakes you've made (if you've made them) and appreciation for the love and support they've given you.

[Kalinka1]

No, he really doesn't. A ex doesn't owe you anything. And you don't owe him anything. The world is not like that, the sooner you accept it, the easier your break ups will become. The relationship is over. No other "thank yous" or obligations are required.

 

I find it hard to believe that you dispose of people who you supposedly loved and had strong feelings for that easily...

[pickflicker]

I happen to disagree. I do believe that when you dump someone you owe them an explanation, you owe them the courtesy of doing it face-to-face, you owe them an acknowledgement of the mistakes you've made (if you've made them) and appreciation for the love and support they've given you.

 

Then you'll be waiting forever. No reason will make you feel better, and no one got an award for being the best breaker-upper. Do it fast, do it decisively, and move forward.

[Kalinka1]

Then you'll be waiting forever. No reason will make you feel better, and no one got an award for being the best breaker-upper. Do it fast, do it decisively, and move forward.

 

Well, that's how I break up with people. Some still told me to go to hell as they were hurt, but I guess that was to be expected. I did not just tell them randomly 'it's over' and disappeared on them.

[pickflicker]

I find it hard to believe that you dispose of people who you supposedly loved and had strong feelings for that easily...

 

I hate breaking up with people. I try to avoid it at all costs. But when it had to be done, it had to be done. I have friends, and a lovely family - plenty of emotionally fulfilling relationships. A partner fulfills a certain role, and when they can't fulfill that role anymore, whether i am dumper or dumpee, I walk away and don't look back.

[pickflicker]

Well, that's how I break up with people. Some still told me to go to hell as they were hurt, but I guess that was to be expected. I did not just tell them randomly 'it's over' and disappeared on them.

 

And how's that working out for you?

[Kalinka1]

And how's that working out for you?

 

Fine. Of course I felt guilty in the beginning, but I guess that's normal for dumpers who never really wanted to hurt someone on purpose but found themselves in an unfulfilling relationship.

[TXGuy]

...I really believe that he is just trying to demonstrate power, because he knows how convenient and comfortable a friendship with me would have been for him, and he doesn't like it that I'm taking that away. And I just think he is being rude for doing this and that I don't deserve to be treated in this way.

 

So, you dumped him as a friend and now you expect him to be friendly with you? That's amusing.

 

Also according to you, he is now losing out on something great-because you are dumping him as a friend. And you want him to thank you and tell you how wonderful you are? That's even funnier.

[pickflicker]

Fine. Of course I felt guilty in the beginning, but I guess that's normal for dumpers who never really wanted to hurt someone on purpose but found themselves in an unfulfilling relationship.

 

I don't know if it is. Your previous posts have intimated a level of inappropriate post-break up relationships. Why is there a need to be friends with an ex?

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't know if it is. Your previous posts have intimated a level of inappropriate post-break up relationships. Why is there a need to be friends with an ex?

 

That's what I was driving at in my post. This poster has a weird fascination for wanting to stay in an ex's life that I just don't get. It's unhealthy.

[rosedl]

Friends does not work unless both people no longer harbor romantic feelings for the other.

 

Until that happens, it just causes pain for the person who still is emotionally attached. At that point, it is unlikely both parties will want to continue a friendship because they have moved on in their life and had to emotionally distance themselves from the other person. However, if there is a long history or children have been involved, people may choose to remain friends.

 

I am friends with a total of ONE ex. And, that relationship was long term (over ten years) and he helped me raise my daughter.

 

This new break up, I don't know. He would have to own up to a lot of his behavior and I think that is highly unlikely to ever happen. It isn't that he broke up with me, it is how he played games with my heart, broke up with me twice, and then pushed me away as if I didn't exist and blamed me for his life long pattern instead of owning it. Not really friend material.

[Kalinka1]

I am sorry, but HE dumped me TWICE. I agreed to staying friends because I still cared about him and had hopes that we would get back together. But I won't be used just because I am nice and helpful, and I tried to get my self-respect back and consider myself a package-deal. If he doesn't want me - fine, his choice, but he shouldn't expect me to be there whenever he has a little issue. Every considerate person would understand where I was coming from, and if he really 'liked' me as a friend, his reaction should also indicate some friendliness.

 

Let's say we never were romantically involved. When a good friend tells me he can't be around me because he has feelings for me, I don't just shut off all communication and start ignoring him. Considering that I'd know that person very well and value him or her as a human being, I'd at least communicate that I understand, will respect their request and wish them well.

[pickflicker]

That's what I was driving at in my post. This poster has a weird fascination for wanting to stay in an ex's life that I just don't get. It's unhealthy.

 

There's also the expectation of being patted on the back for being such an awesome person. We don't live in that kind of world. You do nice things for people because you want to, not because you expect a reward, because more often than not, you won't get one.

[Kalinka1]

I don't know if it is. Your previous posts have intimated a level of inappropriate post-break up relationships. Why is there a need to be friends with an ex?

 

These things just happened, really, years after the relationships were over. And I would not call it being 'friends', more like polite acquaintances. Apart from my long-term boyfriend, with whom the friendship developed during the relationship and we both discovered that we were just purely platonic and should let each other go. No hurt involved there for either one, so we still hang out sometimes because we enjoy each other's company. I did not see a reason to throw him away, just because we did not want to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.

[Kalinka1]

There's also the expectation of being patted on the back for being such an awesome person. We don't live in that kind of world. You do nice things for people because you want to, not because you expect a reward, because more often than not, you won't get one.

 

Obviously I am coming from a position of hurt here. I don't expect rewards when I do things for people. But if people treat me like crap in return, frustration kicks in and I at least want to be treated with some sort of politeness.

[Simon Phoenix]

Let's say we never were romantically involved. When a good friend tells me he can't be around me because he has feelings for me, I don't just shut off all communication and start ignoring him. Considering that I'd know that person very well and value him or her as a human being, I'd at least communicate that I understand, will respect their request and wish them well.

 

Well you should, because you are torturing the poor guy if you don't. If he says he can't be around you because he's conflicting, then you respect his wishes and stay away. I mean, your thought processes on these matters are ass backwards. You stay in contact with a person who asks you not to be in contact, then you say you don't want to be friends but then get upset when the other person doesn't kiss your ass and act friendly to you.

 

I mean, do you think every day is opposite day or something?

[pickflicker]

I am sorry, but HE dumped me TWICE. I agreed to staying friends because I still cared about him and had hopes that we would get back together. But I won't be used just because I am nice and helpful, and I tried to get my self-respect back and consider myself a package-deal. If he doesn't want me - fine, his choice, but he shouldn't expect me to be there whenever he has a little issue. Every considerate person would understand where I was coming from, and if he really 'liked' me as a friend, his reaction should also indicate some friendliness.

 

Let's say we never were romantically involved. When a good friend tells me he can't be around me because he has feelings for me, I don't just shut off all communication and start ignoring him. Considering that I'd know that person very well and value him or her as a human being, I'd at least communicate that I understand, will respect their request and wish them well.

 

Aha! You remained friends for purely selfish reasons! You thought remaining friends would get you back into girlfriend status. There was nothing altruistic about your motives, so why on Earth should you be thanked for it??

[Simon Phoenix]

There's also the expectation of being patted on the back for being such an awesome person. We don't live in that kind of world. You do nice things for people because you want to, not because you expect a reward, because more often than not, you won't get one.

 

Exactly. A selfless act is done without the expectation of praise or thanks. It's nice to get those things, but that's not why you are nice to people.