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How does someone with no social skills combat people that ooze charisma?


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Posted

I wasn't sure where to put this topic, because I'm going to talk a lot about a situation where I work, but it's applicable to my attempts at creating some semblance of a social life for myself.

 

Let's get started with some background info. I work part time at a little retail store. I've been at the same place for about five years, now, and despite me having indicated plenty of times in the past that I wanted to do more at the store, I've always been stuck being nothing more than a cashier. Not to mention, I seem to never get cut any slack, and if I call off or show up late or make a mistake, I get grief about it.

 

Around a year after I started working there, we hired another guy (we'll call him "T", just for reference). T has always had kind of a sleazy personality (he's always been full of himself and a complete womanizer), but he's also extremely charismatic. Everyone seemed to fall in love with him immediately. After about a year, he started getting more opportunities to do other things at the store.

 

And ever since then, he's charmed all three store managers into loving him (including a female coworker who I had very strong feelings for). He gets to do whatever he wants, he gets to not do "menial" tasks (like the stuff I get stuck doing) if he doesn't want to, and he's consistently 20-30 minutes late for every single one of his shifts. Yet, he never gets reprimanded, and management continues treating him like he's a saint. Hell, most of the time, whichever manager is there specifically goes and assists him with his work, simply because they love spending time with him and talking to him.

 

Me, I haven't called off (aside from two deaths in the family) or even been late in years. I know the store like the back of my hand. And yet, I still get stuck doing all the menial stuff, never getting to do what I want to do, and always being sort of an "outcast".

 

Now, I've always had very poor social skills. I'm quiet, reserved, and generally don't know how to start discussions with people. But I'm nice, friendly, kind, generous, sympathetic, and I TRY to make the effort to talk to people, I TRY to say things that are funny or interesting when I can.

 

This frustrates me at work a lot, but to be honest, I just don't care enough to do anything about it, as I'm only working retail until my education is finished.

 

The problem is that this kind of thing is also detrimental in trying to establish a social life. I find that people have pretty low interest in having friendships with me, yet they'll hang all over someone else that happens to be charismatic. I certainly never date, because I'm never "good enough" in that way for a girl.

 

This guy, T, has been trying to kinda help me out, socially, but I still have reservations about him, and he's really not reaching out that much to me to begin with. I'm trying to give him a chance, but I'm concerned that if I become friends with him, I'll always be in his shadow.

 

If we go places with other people, HE'S the one they'll all want to hang out with, and I'll just be the third wheel. If we happen to meet girls together, they'll all flock to him and won't have any interest in me.

 

And the thing is, even if me and this guy don't become "friends", I feel like there's always going to be someone like him right around the corner that I just don't have the tools to compete with.

 

So like the topic title says, how does someone with pretty much zero social skills combat the charisma, the charm, and the silver-tongued status of a guy like this?

Posted

Dont compete. Everybody has something special going for them and that applies to you as well. Coming across as confident can hide other failings. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. Accept who you are. I would never dream of pretending to be something i was not to impress a girl. I would be found out rather soon. Enjoy your education and soon you will be doing something you love and as soon as you do that things tend to change.

 

 

I wasn't sure where to put this topic, because I'm going to talk a lot about a situation where I work, but it's applicable to my attempts at creating some semblance of a social life for myself.

 

Let's get started with some background info. I work part time at a little retail store. I've been at the same place for about five years, now, and despite me having indicated plenty of times in the past that I wanted to do more at the store, I've always been stuck being nothing more than a cashier. Not to mention, I seem to never get cut any slack, and if I call off or show up late or make a mistake, I get grief about it.

 

Around a year after I started working there, we hired another guy (we'll call him "T", just for reference). T has always had kind of a sleazy personality (he's always been full of himself and a complete womanizer), but he's also extremely charismatic. Everyone seemed to fall in love with him immediately. After about a year, he started getting more opportunities to do other things at the store.

 

And ever since then, he's charmed all three store managers into loving him (including a female coworker who I had very strong feelings for). He gets to do whatever he wants, he gets to not do "menial" tasks (like the stuff I get stuck doing) if he doesn't want to, and he's consistently 20-30 minutes late for every single one of his shifts. Yet, he never gets reprimanded, and management continues treating him like he's a saint. Hell, most of the time, whichever manager is there specifically goes and assists him with his work, simply because they love spending time with him and talking to him.

 

Me, I haven't called off (aside from two deaths in the family) or even been late in years. I know the store like the back of my hand. And yet, I still get stuck doing all the menial stuff, never getting to do what I want to do, and always being sort of an "outcast".

 

Now, I've always had very poor social skills. I'm quiet, reserved, and generally don't know how to start discussions with people. But I'm nice, friendly, kind, generous, sympathetic, and I TRY to make the effort to talk to people, I TRY to say things that are funny or interesting when I can.

 

This frustrates me at work a lot, but to be honest, I just don't care enough to do anything about it, as I'm only working retail until my education is finished.

 

The problem is that this kind of thing is also detrimental in trying to establish a social life. I find that people have pretty low interest in having friendships with me, yet they'll hang all over someone else that happens to be charismatic. I certainly never date, because I'm never "good enough" in that way for a girl.

 

This guy, T, has been trying to kinda help me out, socially, but I still have reservations about him, and he's really not reaching out that much to me to begin with. I'm trying to give him a chance, but I'm concerned that if I become friends with him, I'll always be in his shadow.

 

If we go places with other people, HE'S the one they'll all want to hang out with, and I'll just be the third wheel. If we happen to meet girls together, they'll all flock to him and won't have any interest in me.

 

And the thing is, even if me and this guy don't become "friends", I feel like there's always going to be someone like him right around the corner that I just don't have the tools to compete with.

 

So like the topic title says, how does someone with pretty much zero social skills combat the charisma, the charm, and the silver-tongued status of a guy like this?

  • Like 2
Posted

You combat it by thinking you're the shizz.

 

Get a little confidence and stop comparing yourself to others. And don't get down because you aren't advancing in retail. You've got a future beyond that. Does he?

Posted

All my life I had to compete with some girl the bosses wanted to bang AND their good 'ol boy friends. Life isn't fair, especially in the workplace. I fought for every bit of progress I made, which at one time included going over my supervisor's head and copying the board of directors on MY plan. And I won.

 

Do continue to try to be friendly and interesting. Don't try too hard so it comes off desperate. Do stand up for yourself if you feel you're being passed over only because of personality in a job that doesn't require a sparkling personality. Don't wait until you're mad to say something. Plan it and execute it. Put it in writing if you want to. Writing is harder to ignore. You can't really compete with those charismatic people, but you can demand you get what you deserve and infer anyone who prizes personality over hard work is promoting cronies.

  • Author
Posted
Dont compete. Everybody has something special going for them and that applies to you as well. Coming across as confident can hide other failings. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. Accept who you are. I would never dream of pretending to be something i was not to impress a girl. I would be found out rather soon. Enjoy your education and soon you will be doing something you love and as soon as you do that things tend to change.

 

I don't know, I don't think there's really anything special about me. Sure, I have good qualities, I like to think I'm a nice, caring, sweet person, but that's not enough for people. Never has been, in my experience, and I don't see that changing any time soon.

 

Plus, it could take me a while to find a job. I'm trying to be optimistic that I finish school soon, but realistically, it could be years before I find even a decent new job.

 

You combat it by thinking you're the shizz.

 

Get a little confidence and stop comparing yourself to others. And don't get down because you aren't advancing in retail. You've got a future beyond that. Does he?

 

I'm sure he probably does. He may be a cocky "player", but he's not dumb. He knows how to get what he wants, so I think he'll be perfectly happy no matter what. Honestly, he'll probably advance towards a career before I ever do.

 

I'm more "down" because guys like him make me realize why I'm so alone -- because I'm simply not an interesting person. He can talk his way into and out of just about anything. Me, I couldn't hold a person's attention if my life depended on it. I just wish I could be more interesting and likable, so that maybe I could have friends, date, and have some semblance of a social life.

Posted

After 32 years of working, I can say with much wisdom, there will ALWAYS be someone "working" the Boss's. I find it humorous, the antics used.

 

Best I can tell you is stay true to yourself, set personal goals ( like be on time or

enhance a social skill). I absolutely had a "dead fish" hand shake, and as a lady it came off well... dead...and insincere. A simple thing as greeting someone with a welcoming hand shake can actually aid in self confidence. Its little block building skills. Ignore the Baffoon there will always be one that catches the managements eye, consider him the entertainer...He is smart in getting thru business yet I sincerely doubt there is anything under the costume he wears...

 

You caught us readers eyes, so give yourself credit. You are versed in conveying ideas...that is a start :) When you compare, you take yourself out of the real equation.

Posted

You aren't competing against this guy. You are competing against the image you have set for yourself in the work place. The way you combat this is by setting a standard the first time you meet anyone. Do you know why T gets away with everything including being late? Because it matches him and isn't unusual for him. Why do you get all the crap work nobody wants to do? Because that fits you in the eyes of your bosses. You aren't as popular in the social pyramid.

 

Change your personality immediately. It will take time and is hard but you will see gains I promise. Don't listen to any of this crap about accepting yourself or ignoring these type of situations. Doing that I promise the world will pass you by while at the same time stepping on you.

  • Author
Posted
Best I can tell you is stay true to yourself, set personal goals ( like be on time or

enhance a social skill).

 

Eh, I really have no personal goals in the workplace, at this point. My current job is a lost cause. I've been trying to do the tasks expected of me to the best of my ability for years, now, and it's clear to me that no one is watching (or if they are, they simply don't care).

 

The thing is, not only am I not at the top of the "pecking order", I'm pretty much at the very bottom. In management's eyes, it seems like it's T > Everyone else >>>> Me. I feel like despite the good qualities I do bring to the table, I'm so far off the radar that I'm just an unimportant little cog in a machine.

 

And again, the social connotations of this are what really bother me. I'm so far off everyone's radar, no one is ever really "interested" in me, no one really cares to actually be close with me. Because I'm not "interesting" enough, "charming" enough, "talkative" enough, "fun" enough, I get overlooked and ignored, and then I have to sit by and watch everyone go gaga and hang all over someone that actually has charisma.

 

Change your personality immediately. It will take time and is hard but you will see gains I promise.

 

What does that even mean? I mean "changing your personality" isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world. To some extent, I am who I am.

 

It basically comes down to the question "How do I become more interesting/ charming/ likable?", and unfortunately, that's not a question anyone can really answer. It's kind of one of those things where you either are or you aren't. I've spent several years trying to learn how to be a more likable person, the kind of person that can have friends and date, and whatnot, and clearly, I still haven't learned a thing, otherwise I wouldn't still be completely alone.

Posted

So like the topic title says, how does someone with pretty much zero social skills combat the charisma, the charm, and the silver-tongued status of a guy like this?

 

Start skydiving.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Start skydiving.

 

Okay... Anything less extreme...?

Posted
Okay... Anything less extreme...?

 

No. Scaring the **** out of yourself will give you the charisma and confidence that is missing in your life.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
No. Scaring the **** out of yourself will give you the charisma and confidence that is missing in your life.

 

Eh. That seems oddly specific, and to be honest, I don't really work that way (getting confidence from extreme fear).

Posted
No. Scaring the **** out of yourself will give you the charisma and confidence that is missing in your life.

 

 

Don't discount this so fast. I am naturally a quiet and shy person, but when I open up I can be the life of the party so to speak. The more outgoing I am in my activities the more I stay open, and the better my social interactions are.

 

I am the type of person where all it takes is a week of doing very little to become withdrawn and not say much.

 

There is a lot to be said about doing the things you are scared of, it really does help you to become the best person you could be. I think it helps a lot with perspective.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Don't discount this so fast. I am naturally a quiet and shy person, but when I open up I can be the life of the party so to speak. The more outgoing I am in my activities the more I stay open, and the better my social interactions are.

 

I am the type of person where all it takes is a week of doing very little to become withdrawn and not say much.

 

There is a lot to be said about doing the things you are scared of, it really does help you to become the best person you could be. I think it helps a lot with perspective.

 

Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I've done stuff that "scared" me (nothing extreme, like sky diving, but still), and I never felt like any of it helped me to become more outgoing and likable to people.

Posted
Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I've done stuff that "scared" me (nothing extreme, like sky diving, but still), and I never felt like any of it helped me to become more outgoing and likable to people.

 

That's cause you haven't taken yourself all the way to the edge. Just try it. You will see what I mean.

Posted
Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I've done stuff that "scared" me (nothing extreme, like sky diving, but still), and I never felt like any of it helped me to become more outgoing and likable to people.

 

Define extreme by your own standards. What kind of thing do you find intimidating? Are there certain situations that you find overly uncomfortable?

 

Expose yourself to those things frequently, get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

 

From really really young until about 24 ( was forced for grad school) I thought it was just my personality, I really just accepted it. Sure my personality played a big factor in my leaning towards the antisocial sorts of things, but ultimately it wasn't the defining factor.

  • Author
Posted
Define extreme by your own standards. What kind of thing do you find intimidating? Are there certain situations that you find overly uncomfortable?

 

Expose yourself to those things frequently, get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

 

I mean, there were some irrational "fears" I had in the past, but I eventually worked through them and they're no longer an issue. I guess it felt mildly good to have overcome them at the time, but I stopped caring and didn't really think much about them anymore shortly afterwards.

 

There's nothing right now I can think of that I find particularly "scary" in my day to day life. Yes, I find building a social life and making friends, and whatnot, to be intimidating, but it's less about fear and more about me simply lacking any kind of proper social skills. I'm not "afraid" of people or being around people, I just don't feel like I know what to say or how to act, so I just kinda... do nothing, unless they initiate first.

Posted (edited)
I mean, there were some irrational "fears" I had in the past, but I eventually worked through them and they're no longer an issue. I guess it felt mildly good to have overcome them at the time, but I stopped caring and didn't really think much about them anymore shortly afterwards.

 

You're going about it all wrong. I'm talking about rational fears. Like skydiving. No rational person would jump out of an airplane at 16000 ft without fear. If someone tells you that they aren't afraid they are lying.

 

Conquer that fear and you will be the kind of man you hope to be.

Edited by skydiveaddict
  • Author
Posted
You're going about it all wrong. I'm talking about rational fears. Like skydiving. No rational person would jump out of an airplane at 16000 ft without fear. If someone tells you that they aren't afraid they are lying.

 

Conquer that fear and you will be the kind of man you hope to be.

 

Eh. Just seems kinda silly to me to do some extreme thing like that "just because". I don't really see what that has to do with making me a better, more likable person. Most people manage to be likable and social just fine without having to go skydiving or doing some other extreme activity. So why do I? How does something like that do anything for me?

 

At best, that's just something I could do to maybe experience a "rush" one time, and maybe a slightly interesting story to tell a few people. Beyond that, it would be nothing to me. I'd just walk away thinking "That was kinda neat, but I'm never doing that again", and modest and reserved I am, I'd probably never use the story in a way that would make me more attractive. And even if the story did win me a few friends and maybe some dates, would I really want people to be with me just because I'm "the guy that went sky diving that one time"?

 

I just want people to like me for me.

Posted

Maybe you should befriend the guy? It could help you in the pecking order? I also dealt with a similar situation in my old workplace, but with a clique. Long story short I got fed up with being treated like crap and left. I also Blame the bosses who lap up this Behaviour with delight. I couldn't stand the brown nosing either. Funny enough they all bitch about the new boss behind his back!

Posted
After 32 years of working, I can say with much wisdom, there will ALWAYS be someone "working" the Boss's. I find it humorous, the antics used.

 

Best I can tell you is stay true to yourself, set personal goals ( like be on time or

enhance a social skill). I absolutely had a "dead fish" hand shake, and as a lady it came off well... dead...and insincere. A simple thing as greeting someone with a welcoming hand shake can actually aid in self confidence. Its little block building skills. Ignore the Baffoon there will always be one that catches the managements eye, consider him the entertainer...He is smart in getting thru business yet I sincerely doubt there is anything under the costume he wears...

 

I disagree with you somewhat that there is little more to people like this than entertainment value. This is the way the world works- people that want to move ahead in the workplace understand this and use their charisma to their advantage. Working the bosses doesn't make this guy a buffoon, especially not if he's getting noticed. I think this guy just knows how to use his charisma to his advantage. The aforementioned doesn't make him a better employee overall- but bosses will overlook certain things if they genuinely like a person. That's just the way the world works- whether it's fair or not.

 

OP, I think your first mistake is seeing yourself in competition with this guy. He's not your enemy- he's just a co-worker that happens to be good at manipulating people because he can read them. That's what charismatic people do.

 

If he's trying to help you out here and there, instead of resenting him, embrace the help, how can that hurt? Everyone falls into certain roles in a team environment- and there is a need for everyone.

 

Stop comparing yourself to him because you are two different people heading on two different paths in life. You're going to move on when you're done school- he's going to head on a different path than you.

 

You just have to figure out what you're good at and capitalize on that skill- that's all this guy is doing.

 

You just need to find your groove. This job isn't even a stepping stone for you because retail isn't your thing. This is just a job, and you should just treat it as such, do the best you can, concentrate on finishing school- and don't take the job home with you.

  • Author
Posted

It's not even really about "brown-nosing", because he doesn't do that. People just always tend to like him a lot, even when they know about some of the questionable things he's done (and/ or is doing). He can pretty much say and do whatever he wants, and not only do people not care, but they fall all over him, and constantly want to spend time with him.

 

Maybe you should befriend the guy?

 

Well, I mean, I kind of am trying to, or something. I don't really know. My social issues have had me in a very dark, depressing place for a very long time, now, and it's bogging me down. He's the only one that's really left to have noticed my increasingly apathetic state, and he's reached out to me beforehand about being friends outside of work. As hesitant as I am about him, I've been being as receptive as I can towards him because of how lonely I am. But we only actually hung out together once, like a month ago, though he did invite me to something on very short notice the other day that I just wasn't able to make it.

 

Being that I suck at being social, I've kinda just been waiting for him to actually set things up with me and make plans, because he's the one that's a lot more out and about, and I've made it very apparent that I'm up for anything. I'll often say things like "Hey, I'm free on ___ if you want to do something", and he'll say yeah, but then we never actually make plans. He, himself, will say "What are you doing on ___? Want to do something?", and even when I say yes, he'll just kind of say "Cool, I'll let you know". But he still comments frequently about my current state, and wanting to help me get out more and have fun, and stuff. So I dunno, it's been a very confusing dynamic, with not much really going on.

 

I think what really concerns me about being friends with him is that I'd always be trapped in his shadow. If he and I hang out with other people together, all of them are going to fall all over him and not give me much of a thought. If he and I meet women together, they're all going to be more attracted to him and I'll just be a "third wheel".

 

I just kinda hate how much I fly under peoples' radar. Not that I want to be the life of the party center of attention, but it just feels like I'm always the least interesting, likable, "attractive" person in any particular group of people.

 

People don't really care about being around me, talking to me, spending time with me. If I'm there, it's whatever to them, but people tend to not really care one way or another about me. Girls aren't attracted to me. I'm not funny, witty, interesting, or talkative enough to spark a girl's interest, and I'm certainly not charming enough to make her want to date me.

 

And really, it seems like you don't even have to actually do interesting things with your life in order to be an "interesting" person. This guy, in particular, can take even the most mundane things and talk them up in a way that makes people laugh and express emotion, and care about what he's saying. Me, on the other hand, even when I have something genuinely interesting to say, I just can't express it in a way that actually makes people care. I've had a number of good stories and anecdotes that just completely fall flat with people when I try to talk about them. I'm just... not good at being interesting and charming, I'm afraid. :/

 

OP, I think your first mistake is seeing yourself in competition with this guy. He's not your enemy- he's just a co-worker that happens to be good at manipulating people because he can read them. That's what charismatic people do.

 

If he's trying to help you out here and there, instead of resenting him, embrace the help, how can that hurt? Everyone falls into certain roles in a team environment- and there is a need for everyone.

 

Stop comparing yourself to him because you are two different people heading on two different paths in life. You're going to move on when you're done school- he's going to head on a different path than you.

 

You just have to figure out what you're good at and capitalize on that skill- that's all this guy is doing.

 

You just need to find your groove. This job isn't even a stepping stone for you because retail isn't your thing. This is just a job, and you should just treat it as such, do the best you can, concentrate on finishing school- and don't take the job home with you.

 

Again, though, I'm looking at things in a way that's bigger than the workplace. I hate that it's set up this way, but having a social life, and especially dating, are absolutely "competitions". The most "desirable" people are the ones that get the most human companionship, and us least "desirable" people get little to none.

 

I try to keep as far away from the people I know I absolutely can't compete with, but it seems like everywhere I turn, there's someone that absolutely knows how to command that kind of attention, and I just don't. As much as I wish I could have friends and find an awesome girl to date, I simply feel like I'm not desirable enough, and that that has to do with some fundamental flaw of mine that's just a part of who I am.

Posted

 

This guy, T, has been trying to kinda help me out, socially, but I still have reservations about him, and he's really not reaching out that much to me to begin with. I'm trying to give him a chance, but I'm concerned that if I become friends with him, I'll always be in his shadow.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^

There's your answer in a nutshell!

T's been trying to help you out just as he does with everyone else. Evidently, whether or not he's trying to help you, you have the impression he is. Probably everyone else thinks he's "for" them, too!

But, you 1. have reservations about him (critical of him) and 2. are concerned you'll always be in his shadow. So, in you mind at least, you are thinking of yourself and have some resentment of T.

 

Try this: If a critical thought about him comes into your mind replace it with a generous thought about him. Forget about impressing anyone or even saying kind things.

 

Just learn to love others people from your heart.

 

It is love that will draw people to you. But, it works best if you don't fake it. If the love comes straight from your heart!........................................................................

 

So like the topic title says, how does someone with pretty much zero social skills combat the charisma, the charm, and the silver-tongued status of a guy like this?Don't combat it, join it! And don't worry that he gets all the attention. If everyone else is focused on him laugh along with them and enjoy it! If you're enjoying the fun and putting out good vibes one of those millions of women around him is going to notice you at some point.

 

OP, it is not your fault that you are having this problem. It's the way you've learned to interact. Probably T grew up learning to act the way he does because of the way his family acted and/or treated each other.

 

But, you can learn to act differently and will in turn be treated differently. Don't try to be funny, kind or anything else. Just learn to truly love who you are and to love other people from your heart and good times will flow out of you in the unique way you are meant to be!

  • Author
Posted
OP, it is not your fault that you are having this problem. It's the way you've learned to interact. Probably T grew up learning to act the way he does because of the way his family acted and/or treated each other.

 

I guess... I dunno. I don't know a whole lot about his past or his family life, or anything like that, but I know bits and pieces. I know he used to be very overweight, for one. He also told me a story once about a time when he was still in high school where he was so depressed about a breakup that he contemplated suicide and that he was given a psych evaluation and went to therapy for a time after that. He told me that he started gaining confidence and making friends by joining his high school football team, and ever since then, he's been good.

 

So I don't know. Part of me understands that he's been in a dark place, himself, and I can relate to that, but I also sort of see his transformation as a "fat kid" who lost weight and joined the football team and became a cocky macho "cool guy". That's great for him that he "found himself", but that's not who I want to be, and it makes me sad that I, as I am, am just destined to never be as well liked and received as a guy like him.

 

But, you can learn to act differently and will in turn be treated differently. Don't try to be funny, kind or anything else. Just learn to truly love who you are and to love other people from your heart and good times will flow out of you in the unique way you are meant to be!

 

I don't really "try" to be anything just for the sake of appeasing people, though. Everything I say and do is just who I am. I understand that I'm quiet, introverted, reserved, that I'm not very assertive nor do I tend to "take the lead" very often, and that I can sometimes be a tad bit naive. But I like to think I'm a warm, caring, kind, gentle, sweet, helpful, generous easy-going guy. I'm respectful of people, I do "gentlemanly" things when I can. I like to think I have a particular sense of humor, but it often seems like the only person that genuinely thinks I'm funny is me, so...

 

But anyone, I don't have those qualities just because I try to be what people want me to be. I have those qualities because that's just who I am.

 

Sadly, as I've come to learn in my 25 years of life, that just doesn't seem to be enough. People say "Just be yourself", and whatnot, but if "being myself" actually mattered any, I feel like I'd probably have at least one or two good friendships by now, that I'd probably have had at least one or two girlfriends in the past. But I haven't. I'm just not a desirable person, in any capacity, and that's very frustrating to me.

Posted
I guess... I dunno. I don't know a whole lot about his past or his family life, or anything like that, but I know bits and pieces. I know he used to be very overweight, for one. He also told me a story once about a time when he was still in high school where he was so depressed about a breakup that he contemplated suicide and that he was given a psych evaluation and went to therapy for a time after that. He told me that he started gaining confidence and making friends by joining his high school football team, and ever since then, he's been good.

 

So I don't know. Part of me understands that he's been in a dark place, himself, and I can relate to that, but I also sort of see his transformation as a "fat kid" who lost weight and joined the football team and became a cocky macho "cool guy". That's great for him that he "found himself", but that's not who I want to be, and it makes me sad that I, as I am, am just destined to never be as well liked and received as a guy like him.

 

 

 

I don't really "try" to be anything just for the sake of appeasing people, though. Everything I say and do is just who I am. I understand that I'm quiet, introverted, reserved, that I'm not very assertive nor do I tend to "take the lead" very often, and that I can sometimes be a tad bit naive. But I like to think I'm a warm, caring, kind, gentle, sweet, helpful, generous easy-going guy. I'm respectful of people, I do "gentlemanly" things when I can. I like to think I have a particular sense of humor, but it often seems like the only person that genuinely thinks I'm funny is me, so...

 

But anyone, I don't have those qualities just because I try to be what people want me to be. I have those qualities because that's just who I am.

 

Sadly, as I've come to learn in my 25 years of life, that just doesn't seem to be enough. People say "Just be yourself", and whatnot, but if "being myself" actually mattered any, I feel like I'd probably have at least one or two good friendships by now, that I'd probably have had at least one or two girlfriends in the past. But I haven't. I'm just not a desirable person, in any capacity, and that's very frustrating to me.

 

You seem desirable in your posts! You have an excellent attitude and you're not arrogant! It takes some of us a while to do what they call, "Come into your own." Meaning becoming the person you are meant to be.

 

Are you spiritual at all? Do you believe in the Bible?

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