purplehues Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) The world is a bleak place today and I feel pathetic posting online…so much pain and it stinks. My partner and I (girl/girl) were together for almost 2 years. My first relationships at 26 of age and my first heartbreak at 28--guess it had to happen sometime. Things have been rocky for a while. She's an addict and relapsed during our time together. Her lies shook the very foundation of our relationship, namely trust, and when she got clean again I subsequently turned into a control freak of sorts. I just stopped believing her. I broke up with her twice, most recently right before Christmas, and had no contact with her for nearly a week. She came back both times, begging me to start anew and I did, trusting that we could move past it all. While she was using, she mentioned a time or two that "she loves me less"…and then later explained (when she begged me to take her back) that she just wanted me out of the way so that she could use. Last night, after I pleaded for her to tell me why she's been so distant in our relationship lately (she's been clean for a month now) she explained that she fell out of love with me and has wanted to break-up with me for a week, just didn't know how to go about doing it. I packed my stuff, took my dog, and left. I don't plan on contacting her, I know better. The pain, however, seems unbearable. I feel so cheated. I would have fought for her and for us. I know I made mistakes, and I know I stopped trusting her, but I was willing to work on that and have made progress during her clean time. In my opinion, things were going well. She told me last night that I became too overbearing because I would call her while she was out with friends (which I did only if she was not back when she said she would be, I wanted to make sure she was okay, etc) And one of those friends she admitted she's attracted to last night (a new co-worker). I sensed it and confronted her about it over the past 2 weeks, but she denied it all along….I'm at a loss. I really am. Why didn't she just let me walk 2 months ago when I first broke it off? I would have put 2 months of this misery behind. I cry and cry and cry some more….I can't and don't want to imagine my life without her. At the same time, I know that we could never be together again--but the heart still hopes. Love is worth all the pain, right? Yikes. Edited January 21, 2014 by purplehues
flightplan Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Love can suck, no doubt about it. But is this the kind of relationship you really want? or are you thinking this is the best you can do? Loving an addict is one thing, living with one and building a solid, holistic, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship is another. You would be building it all on your own. It's better to go through the pain now, end it and move down the road with someone that is more spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.
TheyCallMeOx Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Right now, you're going through an addiction. For almost two years, you developed some sort of habit. You'd see her on a daily basis, talk to her, and do all sorts of things. Like her, you have that feeling of emptiness when you don't satisfy your addictions. You're going through withdrawal, my friend, and it's going to take some time to break from the habit of things. You may keep telling yourself that "things could've been different IF" and it's the "what if" scenarios that are going to prevent you from overcoming your addiction to your ex-girlfriend. What happened in the past happened, and that's all there is to it. What you need to do now is that you need to take this time to grieve. Cry until you can't cry anymore. At some point, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself. Figure out what went wrong with the relationship, why it went wrong, and what you are going to learn from it for your next relationship. Surely you're going to find someone else, but you're going to have more experience knowing what you want in a woman and what you don't want in a woman. It seems like you don't want to date an addict (as most of us), so next time...you probably don't want a woman who does drugs. You have to look at this as an experience, and that you're going through an addiction as well. You'll break from the cycle, but you have to stay motivated and know that you're going to get better if you don't give up. I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years and I may still be in love with my ex-girlfriend, but I can see why it failed I'm glad I didn't save up for an engagement ring or anything like that because at some point...the relationship was doomed. It was all just a matter of time. The bottom line is that you and her were just incompatible. You may think otherwise, but breaking up with someone twice is a clear indication that something is seriously wrong with the relationship, and something is preventing you from really moving on. Maybe it's your fear of being lonely, or maybe it's your fear of not going to be able to find someone else. At some point, you have to trust yourself and realize that you're going to be okay. You've probably been through tougher **** in your life, and you know that it's all just a matter of time and effort before things start getting better. It may take a little bit of time considering she was a significant person in your life (and she probably will always be), but work on one thing at a time. You'll eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you can't contact her for any reason even if you feel it's important. Take this time to heal and better your life because right now...you're more important.
Author purplehues Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Thank you both so much. When we started dating, she had 7 years clean--I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her otherwise. She relapsed on weed, which doesn't seem like a big deal, but any drug is a big deal for an addict. And I stayed because I loved her--because I really believe in love and the struggle that comes along. At least that's what I tell myself…I'm not scared of being alone and I believe I'll someday fall in love again. I just hate that this relationship failed and that she's no longer a part of my life. I can't breathe thinking about this…. *Flightplan--no, I believe I can and should be in a much healthier relationship. It's not even the addiction that gets me, but poor boundaries (ex: why in hell would you spend a day alone with your co-worker if you're attracted to her and in a relationships with someone else? That's just asking for trouble). *TheyCallMeOx--I broke up twice due to lies about her using (she was telling me that she was clean, but was smoking weed). I couldn't take it. I tried to separate her addiction from her and remember the person she is when she's not using, the person for whom I fell. I gave her chances because she did get clean again and hasn't used for a month now. So after all that, she tells me she no longer loves me. Wonderful. I have so many questions. Right now, I just want out of my head and out of my skin. Hurts too much in here.
fixing Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 As painful as this is right now. I think its for the best. Dont underestimate the power of your first love too. Its unbearable. You said you would never had gotten with her if she was an addict. She was clean for 7 years right? Before she met you, and now this last two years she has been on and off it and that is very hard on you. Its for the best. She hasnt appreciated all the commitment you gave to her. Stick with the no contact and i promise it will get better with time.
Author purplehues Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 Fixing--to answer your question, I said that I would have never gotten into a relationship with her had she not been clean for 7 years. I was aware that she's an addict. She's not a mean person and she's never treated me poorly, at least not directly. The lies came to cover up her using…I feel like I'm just looking for positives and making excuses. I miss her. She contacted me via e-mail last night asking for her FB password (she had me change it so that she wouldn't be tempted to contact ppl for drugs). I didn't reply, there's no really need because I told her the day she broke up with me that I'll change it back to her old password (which I did that same night). I really want to accept that this is over….blah, blah, blah I guess the only control I have at this point is not contacting her (since my feelings and my heart are a freaking mess) and I don't intend to break that. Day 2, here we go…keep your fingers crossed for me.
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