Owl Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I think if he gets in touch ill tell him where to go but I'm not going to start drama with him now kills me that I know that right now he's probably curled up on the sofa with her Why not start drama? It's not like it's going to be long lived...in fact, you're heading off the drama, you're taking action to resolve the issue now, rather than passively sitting there hoping it'll all go away. That's your REAL problem. Stop being passive, for crying out loud. Don't waste your time with a long, drawn out good bye. Call him, tell him it's done, you're done, and it's not up for discussion. If he TRIES to suck you into a discussion, don't let him. If he tries to make you feel bad, GET MAD, darn it!!!! I just can't stop pointing out to you, you have GOT to take charge, and stop being passive. Seriously...I don't mean to insult you, but you strike me as a tentative teenaged girl...not at all sounding like a mature, intelligent woman. ACT like a woman, and you'll feel like a woman. ACT like a scared little child, you'll get treated like one...and feel like one. 2
veryhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 If he's had another child, the child must be a baby/toddler? Sex is scarce and there you go...be my sex slaves, no return for you. What a POS all around. Why are you willing to have an a with a guy who has a young child at home? It's always been a no for me. We all have limits and that's one of mine. A pregnant woman/ young mother is very vulnerable and the idiot should be home with the offspring and his partner sucking up the lack of sex. Something to reflect on... You come across as a doormat and he knows it. If you'll say no, he'll proposition ten other if he hasn't yet. He's having kids left and right and only looking for a brief fun time. Are you okay with being a doormat? 3
gettingstrong Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I can empathize with your feelings right now. You were so strong to do NC as long as you did. I only made it 6 or so days. The feelings of, "what if" are so overwhelming. The high from being back in touch with the person you love is clearly enough to make one throw all their common sense out the window. I don't have any advice, just wanted to give you a hug and let you know you aren't alone. 1
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 thanks everyone idk why I have him on such a pedastal and as for his kids I officially only know of one and I found that out by mistake long after he was born I am not kept up to date on mm's life apparently I don't need to know
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I just think if I start ignoring him it will make me as bad as him What?! This doesn't make sense. You're ignoring him because he is toxic to your life...hello?? He isn't some lame puppy or starving child you're passing by and ignoring on the streets, he is a manipulative SOB who doesn't give a shyt about you whom you NEED to ignore. Please wake up imperfect. 4
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I understand its hard hes been in my life so long it hurts too much
Daisy2013 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 he said many times that he wants to be with me but at the same time he's not going to leave his wife I asked him why if he's so happy does he want to see me he just said its the way it is thoughts? if you had another chance with your mm/me honestly, would you take it? Oh my goodness! There must be a play book for these guys. I got the same lines. And the "I love you, but don't want to divorce." And "can you handle our relationship as it is bc I can't give you what you want." Yes, I went back, over and over. Nothing changed. We'd get close, he'd dump me for a week or two, then reappear saying he loved me and never dumped me. That's what it will be like. I pray you have strength and self-respect enough to just tell him "no" and move on along. I lost who I was and allowed myself to be his toy. Don't do it. If you do, you will eventually have to settle all the while knowing he is getting what he wants at your expense, and you will have to die to yourself and know that one day he will leave again. And accept it. 1
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I understand its hard hes been in my life so long it hurts too much I get it. Lots of people prefer to stay with the comfortable uncomfortable. They prefer to stick with the evil they know than to seek better for themselves, but as others have said, the short term withdrawal and hurt from leaving him will be a lot better than compounding your problems by continuing. You won't die from the hurt. It's hurting you by speaking with him. This relationship you have had is what hurts and continuing it will only hurt more, whereas if you move on, you will hurt short term but be better off in the long run. It's not like you guys had some glorious, loving, supportive relationship...EVER. It's been filled with disrespect, drama, lies, you couldn't even tell him the truth that you were pregnant with his child...I mean...it's not as though this is anything to really "give up." But you're used to it and I'm sure feel this dysfunction and his half assed attention is better than nothing, which is really sad, and I really do hope that you start to value yourself a lot more and get fed up with thinking this is worth something. It's one thing to break it off with a man treating you well but he's not divorcing but this isn't even the case at all. He's been in your life causing drama and you've allowed it for a long time...it's like alcoholics who think the bottle is their friend because it's been their comfort and crutch for years when it's KILLING them! It's the same thing. Letting go of the bottle isn't easy, it's their comfort zone and what they know but in the long run gives them back their life and I hope you see that this situation is the same. I don't know if you ever want marriage, or a relationship with a man who is all yours, who you come home to and him you, who introduces you to his family, where you have children together, he supports you and loves you for all you are and not just what you can give to him on the sly, but if you do, wasting time with this jackass isn't getting you there.
Daisy2013 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 He does want her - On his terms and time frame IN an affair setting. That's it. They are addicted to one another, all that the affair brings - But that is not 'healthy love' nor is fulfilling long term. IMP, please really think about what it is you're doing. And this, too. Ask him if he loves you on the other side of the affair line. And if he would trust you in a real relationship. You might be surprised of his answer. He and you both know what you both are capable of. Why would he ever leave his faithful wife? How would you trust each other? I did. He does love me, but is unsure of us outside of our A. He also asked how would I trust him and vice versa. I tried to explain my heart, but who was I kidding.
sunburned Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Again, read above, the first time someone is a "complete arsehole" with you is the last time you see him or speak with him. He's going to give you more contact, until this weekend. It's better to live with a little pain and suffering than to have a huge high and then crash. Here are some reasons for you to call this off. 1. Your dignity 2. You go out on top on your terms. He doesn't get to dictate it, you do, you're in control. A woman in control is a strong woman. 3. It's a win/win, emotionally. You'll feel better in the long run and you prove you can stand up for yourself. Instead of seeing him, go to a spa, pamper yourself and treat yourself right. I wouldn't even call him. Just blow him off. If you refuse to do this, tell him if he wants to be with you, he either leaves his wife that night, or you'll tell her everything. if he doesn't want to be with you, than never contact you again. This is so true. You will feel so much better if you leave with the "power" you have left. Be the one to shut down him for a change. Celebrate taking the wind out of his sail. Think about that as you re-enter the NC Zone and make a permanent home there. He is basically asking you for the occasional booty call. Yuck. Also, not for nothin', but this is what you posted just earlier this month (never mind your sad posts for the LAST TWO YEARS!!): I am a OW - long distance but have always maintained somewhat loose contact I guess I could never handle it ever been "over" I'm now learning that really it was over a long time ago; never got a merryxmas plus I've been very ill recently and he's never asked how I am (his explanation for this is that its out of his control) I've learnt the hard way that really I was just like a toy to him to play with whenever he could be bothered to for some reason and I think it was really my illness today I'm just feeling so over it and I'm mad at myself for letting it drag on this long there's no spark there anymore I don't get the butterflies when his name pops up on my phone, I'm mad at him for doing this to me and now I'm even more mad at myself for letting him
sunburned Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 One more thing ... BruisedNBroken's signature quote is a good mantra for you: When the past texts, don't answer. It has nothing new to say. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 idk why I have him on such a pedastal **Passing you a big sling shot so you can knock him down** IMP, you have to kill the fantasy of who you've built him up to be in your head. He is NOT that man. Not all. Figure out why you think so highly of him. He is not a God, a King, or a real "man". 1
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 oh lord when my own words are used against me what can I say?! all true and something I've always said on the forum I give good advice but I can't take it. when its your own situation you always see your affair as diff for whatever reason for me I met him when I was barely a teen, I'm now 29. it isn't some random guy I met at work or online - for those at least you can say you've lived without them I can't with him sure I've had other proper, real bf's over the years but they've never compared to him and that rush its true though when his name pops up I don't feel excited more of a dread because I know it won't be what I want to hear
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I understand its hard hes been in my life so long it hurts too much So what? Stop being afraid of the pain and feeling hurt/sad/alone/scared. That's life. Shi.t happens, we all suffer at some point in time in our lives, whether by choice or if it's forced upon us. You can face it, fight it and become stronger and wiser, or you can play possum and let it eat you up, take control of you and make you weak. Stop using the fact of how long you've known him as an excuse. Sorry I'm being harsh, I just want to shake you and then give you a big hug! Maybe you haven't hit your 'enough is enough' stage/phase yet with your MM, you need to suffer more pain, shame, and hit your rock bottom before you really realize what he is all about and see that your life is being wasted on someone who really couldn't care less either way. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 sure I've had other proper, real bf's over the years but they've never compared to him and that rush its true though when his name pops up I don't feel excited more of a dread because I know it won't be what I want to hear IMP, that's a good thing though. What you've shared with him is unhealthy, dramatic, exhausting, addictive and selfish love...Sure it's love but look at what it's done to your life! To your self esteem, self respect. That is not long lasting love that binds and holds a couple together. That's not a healthy love that grows in the right direction. It's not an unselfish love when you just know that person brings the best out in you... it's an affair love behind closed doors, hidden away from friends, family and the real world. A love like that cannot survive or thrive forever. I hope you know this. No love will compare as long as you hold him close to your heart. 1
Author imperfectangel Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 trust me after being told I "didn't need to know he was married" or anything else for that matter was a huge wake up call I am getting there I think it's because I've made such a effort with him I wanted all this hurt and everything else to be worthwhile I know it needs to end but when I do try to that's when he comes on strong all the ILYs etc is just too much even when I tell him I know he doesn't mean it he still carries on I know it needs to end I just know how much I'll miss him I hate the thought of never seeing him again not just sexually I really did/do like him I like to think he's just got himself into a **** situation that he can't get out of when really I know deep down he's just a selfish prick
krazikat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 Ahhh that was manipulation...he knew you wouldn't ask him to do so, so he threw out out there I'm sure probably in the midst of an argument to make you feel like he would then you said oh no, don't do it... He had NO intention of telling her. Think about it. Why would he need your permission???? A man who loves you and wants to be with you and further, one done with his marriage doesn't need his OW to ask him to leave or "okay" him telling his wife. He would do it of his own volition to SHOW YOU he means business. This dude said this as part of his manipulative tactics and knew it would lead nowhere...if he were serious do you think he would turn around now and be all upset that you're upset he's married? NO! He would say, you know what, I didn't tell her that one time but now I will. He didn't do that. He was NEVER going to do that and he never will. I understand you think you love him...but based on what you're saying and my own experience, this love on your part is also coming out of a very low place, it's almost this desperate kind of "love" and I really mean this with no judgment, as I have been there. But once I learned more about the issues that led me to even want some loser to love me and to THINK I loved him, the more I realize without loving myself most of all that kind of love was very toxic and not love at all. When you're in a good place within yourself you CANNOT love someone like this and you most of all don't allow them to treat you badly...but when you aren't in a good place you accept bullshhhyt as though it's the best thing ever. But it takes time and also courage to start small by saying no to nonsense, and over time I hope you look back and can feel disgusted with this. ^^^^ another excellent, spot on post, Miss Bee... OP, I am also sad for you. You are being manipulated and he is only put for himself. You are opening yourself up for even more heartache... Love yourself! Tell him where he can go...home to his wife and to leave you alone. Then block all ways he has of contacting you and do a self love boot camp or something. He is not a good guy, he knows exactly what he is doing. Dont do ot, girl. Go look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation. 1
krazikat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 that last line made me lol I'll wait till he contacts then tell him where to go I can't just ignore him that's not me That is why you block him! So block him!
krazikat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 no if I ignore him he'll more than likely just show up if I email him now hell tell me I didn't give him chance blah blah blah I may ignore him for awhile but I'm not letting him turn up at my house Girl...whaaaat? So what if he shows up at your door....ignore him! If he wont leave tell him you will call his wife right after you call the police.... STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
krazikat Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 So what? Stop being afraid of the pain and feeling hurt/sad/alone/scared. That's life. Shi.t happens, we all suffer at some point in time in our lives, whether by choice or if it's forced upon us. You can face it, fight it and become stronger and wiser, or you can play possum and let it eat you up, take control of you and make you weak. Stop using the fact of how long you've known him as an excuse. Sorry I'm being harsh, I just want to shake you and then give you a big hug! Maybe you haven't hit your 'enough is enough' stage/phase yet with your MM, you need to suffer more pain, shame, and hit your rock bottom before you really realize what he is all about and see that your life is being wasted on someone who really couldn't care less either way. Omg, me too! I find myself looking for that Zap Some Sense button and a Hug button. Can you go away on a girls weekend? Vegas, maybe? Or like another poster said, maybe a spa.day? Just something, anything (almost lol ) without donkey face. It is so damm sad to see you toss the best years away, and what i mean by best is the years you could be building your life, you are instead pining over this turd. Have I said I hate affairs before? I HATE AFFAIRS!!!! (((((imperfectangel)))))
MissBee Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 oh lord when my own words are used against me what can I say?! all true and something I've always said on the forum I give good advice but I can't take it. when its your own situation you always see your affair as diff for whatever reason for me I met him when I was barely a teen, I'm now 29. it isn't some random guy I met at work or online - for those at least you can say you've lived without them I can't with him sure I've had other proper, real bf's over the years but they've never compared to him and that rush its true though when his name pops up I don't feel excited more of a dread because I know it won't be what I want to hear How old is he? I don't remember your story exactly but if it is what I vaguely remember is he much older and did he essentially prey on you when you were a teenager...if so...come on...it's even more apparent the kind of scum he is. And it's even more unfortunate for you that you became hooked on him at an impressionable age where you now feel dependent on him smh...it's very upsetting. 1
Author imperfectangel Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 he's only a year older honestly I don't know what it is with him I just can't let him go but when he gets in touch about the weekend ill have to tell him where to go I don't want to be in the same situation in another years tjme
Author imperfectangel Posted January 22, 2014 Author Posted January 22, 2014 FYI I emailed him and ended it - no reply so far thank goodness 2
beach Posted January 22, 2014 Posted January 22, 2014 The only things he's asking is if he can use you a bit more. I don't recommend it.
MissBee Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 FYI I emailed him and ended it - no reply so far thank goodness GREAT!!!! Just fortify yourself and be strong in case he pops back up and tries to argue with you or convince you to be with him. But hopefully he gives up.
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